The Dark Knight Rises Archives -

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

THE ANNE HATHAWAY DIET BOOK PUBLISHED

HOLLYWOOD – Going head to head with Gwyneth Paltrow, Catwoman actress and Oscar winner Anne Hathaway has published her own diet book Eating Nothing, hoping in this way to deal head on with the nation’s obesity problem.

‘People often ask me how I managed to look so ravaged in Les Miserables and ravishing in The Dark Knight Rises,’ said the Rachel Getting Married star. ‘So I thought yeah why not let them in on all my little secrets.’

Mixing anecdotes from the world of glitz and parties with nutritional advice and calorie counting recipes, Eating Nothing provides the aspiring waif with a veritable ‘how to…’ guide to transform your whole body into one slender cheekbone.

Here’s an extract from the Book:

Tuesday:

Breakfast

Breakfast:

Start the day well with some light exercise, perhaps a stroll or turning the pages of a large coffee table book and then treat yourself to a glass of cold water. The preparation is simplicity itself.

Get a glass from the cupboard (a dishwasher will do but be sure and rinse) then carefully measure out a half pint of water from the tap. Drink and enjoy the filling goodness.

Lunch:

Lunch

After an active morning shopping or reading magazines or playing with cats or just thinking about stuff, you’re going to need a nourishing meal and this light lunch is perfect for the taste buds and won’t be a weight on your mind, or your hips.

Simply pour a glass of water, about a third of a pint, and then add an ice cube. Be sure and let the ice cube melt completely before tucking in to this healthy meal.

Dinner:

An evening meal is often a social occasion and a time to reward yourself for a day spent acting your heart out or winning awards. Variety is also important because many of us will abandon a diet if it becomes too boring or restrictive. Therefore enjoy this wonderful feast which is calorie light and easy to prepare!

Pour half a pint of water in a bowl and put it into a microwave for about eight or nine minutes on full power. When you remove it, serve with a towel. Remember a bowl of hot steam is also perfect for winter evenings.

Dinner

Eating Nothing is available from all good book stores.

MAN OF STEEL LAWSUIT ISSUED

HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit has been issued against ‘director’ Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan to immediately cease and desist promotion of the movie/film/cinematic product Man of Steel, a trailer for which has recently been released and which is due to hit screens on June the 14th, 2013.

The lawsuit was issued for copyright breach and plagiarism and was issued in the name of DC Comics by Mr. Arron Sucklenet.

‘I’ve been keeping my eye on this Man of Steel malarkey, the posters and all,’ said Sucklenet. ‘With everything I saw, my suspicions grew, but once I saw the trailer, the second one that is not the one Terrence Malick directed, the second one, I knew I had to act. Man of Steel is just a cheap rip off of Superman. There’s the badge, the costume – stuff with the school bus? fuck that, I don’t know what that’s about – but then there’s even the Fortress of Solitude.’

Mr Sucklenet has previously sued Christopher Nolan on behalf of the Bob Kane estate when he claimed The Dark Knight was actually a Batman film! The case was settled out of court and many were expecting Sucklenet to reappear when The Dark Knight Rises was released, but he said: ‘That was obviously not Batman. I mean, seriously.’

With Man of Steel, Sucklenet claims to have an unanswerable case: ‘They’ve tried to throw stuff in to cover their tracks. Noah turns up for instance which is not in the original comic book, but I think even a child could see Man of Steel is Superman.’

Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan were both washing their hair and thus unable to comment.

STUDIO EXEC TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR

HOLLYWOOD – As the year draws to a close Studio Exec gives his unbelievably brilliant Top Ten of the top ten films of the cinema movie year:

The Avengers: is my number one movie of 2013. It’s witty and action packed, stuffed with special effects and loads of possibilities for ancillary sales and sequel rights. It might cost a fair bag of coin to make but flipside, we’ll be making other spin-offs with the least expenditure of original thought. And it made $623,357,910.
The Dark Knight Rises: satisfying end to a movie trilogy that convinced even the most hardened cynics that Christopher Nolan is a great director of Puccini operas. In fact, for all the nit-picking about the film many people seemed to forget that the actual original idea was complete hogwash before Nolan made it convincing. Plus it made $448,139,099.
The Hunger Games: showed young girls kicking ass in an intelligent piece of dystopian entertainment, which grossed $408,010,692.
Skyfall: Bond came back and blew everybody away with bangs, bullets and Bardem, not to mention a billion worldwide but domestically $289,600,000.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: If only because it means we won’t have to put up with any more Twilight films plus it made $286,130,000.
The Amazing Spiderman: gets especial kudos for being so original even the fans were saying ‘another Spiderman? Really?’ The film was boring and nonsensical and absolutely pointless, but it made $262,030,663.
Brave: was shit but it made $237,246,988.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: was a flaccid waste of everyone’s time and there’s more to come. Having made $222,703,000, who am I to ask for originality, brevity, some sense of innovation!?
Ted: managed the miracle of having many people use the words Mark Wahlberg and good film in the same sentence without a negative particle. It also made $218,665,740.
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted: I didn’t even see this (after all why would I?) but it did make $216,391,482, coincidentally the 10th biggest box office of the year.