RIDLEY SCOTT TO FILM CANDY CRUSH

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has confirmed that he will film a motion picture based on the popular app/game Candy Crush Saga by King.com.

Gladiator and Prometheus director Ridley Scott today confirmed he will be filming a new adaptation of the popular game Candy Crush, recently purchased by Activision. Scott spoke to the Studio Exec exclusively: 

I’ve always wanted to film something that is just about connections, patterns and confectionery, with no characters, no dialogue, just sweeties and shapes and stuff. And this looks like my chance.

Billed as a cross between The Parallax View and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Scott’s film is already in the late stages of pre-production. Scott told us:

The real problem was getting a story. Angry Birds you have a story, so that script wrote itself (well actually Cormac McCarthy wrote it) and I’m hoping to film it sometime late next year. Kevin Smith wrote a brilliant treatment for Monopoly but it was too obviously Marxist, so we had trouble selling that to the big studios. Candy Crush is colorful and exciting but where’s the story? Then I saw Battleship and it was like I had been hit by lightning. Eureka! We don’t need a story. We can just go ahead. We don’t need characters or any human emotion. Obviously I’d been experimenting with that kind of film with The Counselor and Prometheus but this will give me the scope to go all out.

Michael Fassbender is to play the yellow sweets whose paradisiacal home is threatened by the multicolored gobstoppers led by Kevin Spacey.

Candy Crush is due out late in 2016.

MERYL STREEP TO PLAY CAMERON DIAZ IN DIAZ

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard today confirmed that Meryl Streep is to star as Cameron Diaz in a new biopic based on the actress’ life entitled simply: Diaz

Scripted by Peter Morgan, the film will see an elderly Cameron Diaz looking back on her life and reminiscing about the peaks and the troughs. The writer said:

It is something of an imagined history if you like, but I find Cameron Diaz endlessly interesting, fascinating even and I think only an actress of Meryl’s calibre could take on the challenge. 

Streep confirmed that she was a lifelong fan of Cameron Diaz, claiming that the role represented a dream come true:

What Cameron did in Knight and Day, what she did in Gangs of New York, rescuing that film from the inadequacy of Day-Lewis, what she pioneered in There’s Something About Mary… I mean she lit a torch that we all followed.

 Have you spoken with Cameron Diaz about the role? 

No, I’ve researched the role obviously, but whenever I’ve played real people I’ve preferred not to meet the real person in case I end up doing something that is merely an imitation. Plus with Cameron Diaz I don’t mind admitting I’m intimidated. I mean no actress is so technically adept and so courageous. Just watch Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle! The stunts!Amazing.

And more recently The Counselor

No, she was shit in that. 

Diaz will be released in 2015. 

MICHAEL FASSBENDER DROPS OUT OF CREED

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender has dropped out of Rocky spin off Creed [Click Here for the original story], due to artistic differences.

Michael Fassbender or the Counselor (as he prefers to be known) explained that his involvement in the boxing film – which follows the fortunes of Apollo Creed’s grandson – was actually a mistake.

I thought it was video game spin off Assassin’s Creed but I’d simply gone in the wrong door. Everyone was so nice and polite, but it was clear they weren’t expecting me and when I shot my first opponent with an arrow the director Ryan [Coogler] called me over and said there had been a communication breakdown.

Coogler said that Fassbender’s commitment to the part was uncanny and everyone has denied that this has anything whatsoever to do with race. ‘Michael is half German, half Irish, which is basically black,’ Ryan explained exclusively to the Studio Exec.

Michael Fassbender will be replaced by Fruitvale Station star Michael B. Jordan.

Creed will be released in 2015.

THE COUNSELOR: REVIEW

THE COUNSELOR: REVIEW – David from Prometheus (Michael Fassbender) has returned to Earth, blended into the legal profession, re-attached his head and is putting it to good use on Penelope Cruz, but – because he knows more than one Mexican – he’s involved in some kind of drug deal and – because this is a film – it goes wrong.

Incidentally, why are drug deals, bank heists and kidnappings always going wrong in films? What a skewed view of the world! I’ll have you know that for every drugs deal, bank heist and kidnapping that goes wrong, there are thousands that go off without a hitch and everyone goes home happy. How about giving the hardworking girls and boys in the criminal underworld a break and show some happy stories about how well organised they all are? Enough of the negativity, Hollywood!

Anyway down to serious business.

Ridley Scott’s film looks good but sounds awful. Because of the f*cking words. Cormac McCarthy’s script is awful: everyone talks like people talk in Cormac McCarthy novels and no one has talked like that for two hundred years and even then… But that’s not the worst thing. The worst thing is some of these lines are spoken by Cameron Diaz, a barely capable comic actress who is utterly out of her depth here, which is odd, because despite the cod philosophizing of the script the film is actually embarrassingly superficial. But still she’s out of her depth.

McCarthy is a kind of superficial writer. You can get away with it in novels, with your spare prose and references to the King James Bible, but films show it up.

No Country for Old Men borrowed its plot from Dumb and Dumber, but it was so well filmed and acted no one cared. The Road didn’t have a plot so much as a setting and some dour clichés. The Counselor decides to do the clever elision thing, so we know there’s a plot somewhere but Cormac isn’t telling and then he repeats ‘symbols’ so we get some larger ‘point’. And the dialogue wants to sound clever but never actually is.  And if you think I’m being a bit cold, remember: the truth has no temperature.

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