HALLOWEEN: TOP 5 SCARIEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME

SCARY-WOOD  – Happy Halloween Folks!

Graves yawn and spew forth vampires, zombies, serial killers, Billy Crystal jokes and ghosts. So, the Studio Exec presents his scientifically proven scariest movies ever made list. Five of the scariest movies ever made. 

Firstly. Mamma Mia! A beautiful idyllic island in Greece seems like paradise on Earth and young Sophie is looking forward to her wedding when the horror and terror which lurks beneath the surface suddenly erupt as Pierce Brosnan turns up to sing. ARRRGGGGHHHHH!! Meryl Streep Sings and ACTS. AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! and everyone sings ABBA. ARRHGHGHGHGHGGGGGGHHHHHUURGHHHHHH-cough.

Secondly. Look Who’s Talking 2: As if it isn’t bad enough that one baby is possessed by John McClane the othe one turns out to be possessed by Roseanne Barr. The second sequel to Rosemary’s Baby closed the most frightening chapter in postnatal terror.

Third. Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeekquel: Not only do those irritating horrible little gremlin-like tribbles sing and dance in one movie, enough idiots (AKA children) went to see it for there to be another. The Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Snuff Movie remains alas just a hopeful dream, something to console the desperate in the darkest longest night of the soul.

Four! Jack: Robin Williams appears in a film the trailer of which describes it as the story of a ’10 year old boy trapped in a 40 year old man’s body’. Urrrrggghhhh.

And finally. The Canyons: Not happy with her Christine inspired shocker Herbie Fully Loaded, Lindsay Lohan is back, showing exactly what her curse can wreak on all those around her. Talents such as Bret Easton Ellis, Paul Schrader and even little Jimmy Deen are left carcasses in her bad movie, awful acting wake. Like the cursed video from The Ring, watch this film AND LOSE YOUR SOUL!

Happy Halloween everyone! from the Studio Exec.   

LINDSAY LOHAN RETIRES

HOLLYWOOD – The Herbie Fully Loaded star, Lindsay Lohan has called it quits today. ‘I’m basically famous for being a f*ck up,’ she told Ellen DeGeneres. ‘And no sane person wants to continue to facilitate that story.’

The Canyons star said that she would no longer be appearing in reality shows, films or television chat shows:

This is my last public appearance. And my last public utterance. I won’t do interviews, appearances, fashion shoots. To paraphrase Richard Nixon, you’re not going to have Lindsay Lohan to kick around anymore.

The retirement – which takes effect immediately- seems to have taken the media completely by surprise and footage from the Ellen Degeneres Show was immediately excised and deleted. All reference to the retirement has been expunged from public record and mainstream media outlets such as Variety and Hollywood Reporter are refusing to cover the story. 

Rumors already abound that Ms. Lohan will be replaced by a replicant who will fulfill the public need for a young rich waster with a car crash of a life to gawp at and will never be satisfied, as the real Lyndsay Lohan is quietly moved to Canada. 

BRET EASTON ELLIS PENS YEEZUS SCRIPT

HOLLYWOOD – After the unwiped orifice that was The Canyons, many believed that Bret Easton Ellis would cry off involvement in an art form he so obviously doesn’t understand, but alas no.

He has happily agreed to turn Kanye West‘s Yeezus album into a movie and has according to reports already finished a draft. 

The American Psycho (as he prefers to be known) had this to say:

I didn’t want to do anything after The Canyons. It was just such a pile of utterly unredeemable asswipery, but then the 27 year old said ‘You have to get back on the horse’. I was stunned. Wow. He just thinks these things up and says them. So I said, ‘What do I do?’ And he had an album playing and he said ‘I don’t know: this?’ So I said okay. 

What was Kanye West’s reaction?

I went up to his house and when I met him I said ‘It’s an honor to finally meet you, Mr. Kardashian.’ He didn’t like that one bit. But once I’d cleaned up and the mace had worn off we had a really good conversation. And we agreed I could write a draft.  

It’s been a long time since we’ve had a film based on an album.

Right, and I love those films. Tommy, Pink Floyd: The Wall

Will Kanye West’s Yeezus be that good?

Oh! [laughs hysterically] That’s hardly likely. I’m writing the script. Didn’t I make that clear? 

Kanye West’s Yeezus will be released in 2018.