The Studio Exec breaks the shocking news Matt Damon ate Panda meat. The Ocean’s 13 star Matt Damon ate panda meat first while filming the action fantasy The Great Wall in China, and he doesn’t care who knows it.
We spoke to Matt recently while he publicized his upcoming all action construction-based TV blockbuster show, The Bourne Condominium.
Matt, tell us what The Bourne Condominium will be about?
It’s like this see, Jason Bourne has finally retired from all that spy shit and running about. He’s made his money and decides to build his dream condo. It has everything you could want. It’s the fucking tits, the cat’s ass. It has a hot tub, panda grill, walk-in wardrobe, under floor heating and an outdoor Tiki bar. So he starts off by buying the land-
Just one second Matt. What did you say?
Did you say, Panda grill?
Is Panda Grill a company name?
No man. It’s part of my cooker. The part I use to grill my Panda meat.
Are you telling us that Matt Damon ate Pandas?
Why does everyone always ask me that question with that look on their face? Look, it’s perfectly simple. When I was filming The Great Wall in China, I was given a VIP tour of a Panda sanctuary. I hadn’t had my Golden Grahams or Fruit Loops that morning and I was starving. The head keeper started telling me about how they feed them on bamboo and sugar cane. That got me thinking, if they eat all that sugar cane, their meat must be really sweet and tender. I’m salivating now just saying it.
What happened after that?
I asked the keeper of I could have something to eat, I gave him a wink and he knew what I meant. One AK-47 and a good panda grill later, I was eating like a king. So now, I gotta guy down in Florida who scores me top grade Panda meat. All my friends love it. George, Brad, Kristen and even Gwynny. They love nothing more than coming over for a good grill-up.
(L to R) Matt, George and Brad – Meat Heads
Do they know they’re eating butchered endangered species?
Umm, yeah, why not? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it to them. Once, maybe. Who knows? Look, if you get invited over to someone’s home for dinner and they go to the effort of illegally importing endangered species meat, then it would be a bit rude to start asking questions about it. It ain’t easy cooking Panda y’know. If it’s too rare, it’s all rubbery. Cook it for too long and it’s like shoe leather. You got to have it medium-rare. Mmm, pandalicious.
Ok, I think we’re done here. Thank you for your time Matt.
No worries man. You hungry? You can stay for dinner, if you want.