MATT DAMON ATE PANDA MEAT

The Studio Exec breaks the shocking news Matt Damon ate Panda meat. The Ocean’s 13 star Matt Damon ate panda meat first while filming the action fantasy The Great Wall in China, and he doesn’t care who knows it.


We spoke to Matt recently while he publicized his upcoming all action construction-based TV blockbuster show, The Bourne Condominium.

 

Matt, tell us what The Bourne Condominium will be about?

It’s like this see, Jason Bourne has finally retired from all that spy shit and running about. He’s made his money and decides to build his dream condo. It has everything you could want. It’s the fucking tits, the cat’s ass. It has a hot tub, panda grill, walk-in wardrobe, under floor heating and an outdoor Tiki bar. So he starts off by buying the land-

 

Just one second Matt. What did you say?

Whassup?

 

Did you say, Panda grill?

Uh-huh. Sure.

 

Is Panda Grill a company name?

No man. It’s part of my cooker. The part I use to grill my Panda meat.

 

Are you telling us that Matt Damon ate Pandas?

Why does everyone always ask me that question with that look on their face? Look, it’s perfectly simple. When I was filming The Great Wall in China, I was given a VIP tour of a Panda sanctuary. I hadn’t had my Golden Grahams or Fruit Loops that morning and I was starving. The head keeper started telling me about how they feed them on bamboo and sugar cane. That got me thinking, if they eat all that sugar cane, their meat must be really sweet and tender. I’m salivating now just saying it.

 

 

What happened after that?

I asked the keeper of I could have something to eat, I gave him a wink and he knew what I meant. One AK-47 and a good panda grill later, I was eating like a king. So now, I gotta guy down in Florida who scores me top grade Panda meat. All my friends love it. George, Brad, Kristen and even Gwynny. They love nothing more than coming over for a good grill-up.

(L to R) Matt, George and Brad – Meat Heads

 

Do they know they’re eating butchered endangered species?

Umm, yeah, why not? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it to them. Once, maybe. Who knows? Look, if you get invited over to someone’s home for dinner and they go to the effort of illegally importing endangered species meat, then it would be a bit rude to start asking questions about it. It ain’t easy cooking Panda y’know. If it’s too rare, it’s all rubbery. Cook it for too long and it’s like shoe leather. You got to have it medium-rare. Mmm, pandalicious.

 

Ok, I think we’re done here. Thank you for your time Matt.

No worries man. You hungry? You can stay for dinner, if you want.

 

Umm, yeah alright then.

MATT DAMON DISCUSSES NEW BOURNE MOVIE AND REVEALS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon has discussed for the first time the new Bourne movie which he is to star in directed by Paul Greengrass.

After the mega-success of the Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon will play Bourne for the fourth time, following a less successful incarnation The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner, which existed in the same universe but did not feature Jason Bourne.  Matt Damon dropped by the Studio Exec Jacuzzi to discuss the new film, to be entitled The Bourne Austerity:

We’re still in very early stages, but I can tell you some stuff.  The first Bournes were very much a result of the Bush presidency and so we were in a War on Terror and black ops and that whole feeling of the US running rogue in the world. With Obama came a sense of hope, but now we have an austerity struck Europe and a US foreign policy that relies on massive surveillance which has also been used domestically.

So The Bourne Austerity is like a post-Snowden thriller?

Exactly. The film starts off in Greece where some of you might remember that Bourne actually helped run a scooter hire business. He’s gone back there where he used to be happy with his new girlfriend Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But Greece is defaulting on its loans and in the run up to a new bailout Jason Bourne is activated by Angela Merkel to take out Alex Tsipiras, the new Greek prime minister. Of course, Bourne realizes he is being used and turns against his masters once more. Then they send in Jeremy Renner as a cheap version of me – again the austerity theme – but because of Quantative Easing they finally manage to spend some money on destroying Greece and they send in Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) to finish the job. It’s very exciting at the end.

The Bourne Austerity will be released in 2017.