THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

DAN AYKROYD’S VODKA IS ‘SALTY WATER’

NEWFOUNDLAND – Ghostbuster, Blues Brother and now spirits manufacturer Dan Aykroyd has been accused of bottling and selling salty water and labelling it as vodka.

The accusation came after years of trade as Dan Aykroyd secretly formulated a recipe for what he called the purest essence of vodka in 2007. Packaged in a crystal skull in honor of the one bad Indiana Jones film – Aykroyd appeared briefly in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – the transparent liquid was labelled as being pure additive free vodka, which was also gluten free and certified kosher.

Vodka aficionado Mary Stopes said:

At first we of the vodka community were blown away that Ghostbuster and Blues Brother, Dan Aykroyd was deigning us with his presence. No one wanted to criticise him, despite the fact that his crystal skull vodka was really salty and no one seemed to get drunk when they drank it. You have to understand that vodka experts tend to me quite lonely people with really unhealthy lifestyles, so any shred of glamour we can get we pick up with both hands. We’ve been drinking his salt water for years now, but finally it’s time we joined together and said, Dan, this isn’t vodka. It’s possibly sea water, or it could be water you cooked your pasta in.

A close associate of Aykroyd anonymously stated that ‘Dan is a follower of homoeopathy and believes that the memory of vodka exists somewhere in the salty water. That means you can gain the same effects of vodka but without the sclerosis. And you can drive!’

Since this article was published everything it contains has been found to be untrue and potentially ruinously libellous.