KIRSTIE ALLEY JOINS JAMES WOODS TO REMAKE BIRTH OF A NATION

HOLLYWOOD – Kirstie Alley and James Woods are to remake DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation.

We talked to James Woods and Kirstie Alley about their planned remake of Birth of a Nation. 

So, Kirstie and James, thank you for agreeing to talk with us today:
Kirstie Alley (KA) – Who said that about us? Fake news!
James Woods (JW) – Yeah, that’s fuckin’ bullshit man!

We haven’t actually said anything yet:
KA – Ok, but just watch it, ok? Because we aint taking any of your liberal bullshit.
JW – Darn tootin’ Kirst. Virtual high five.

Anyway, can you tell us where you got the idea to remake The Birth Of A Nation? Isn’t that film about the Ku Klux Klan and didn’t it lead to the resurgence of the Klan and their racist ideology in America?
JW – It aint racist, because it has a load of black folks in it.

Racism

I’m pretty sure it is racist and most of those ‘black characters’ were white actors with their faces ‘blacked up’. Do you not find that problematic to say the least?
KA – Now look here… boy, you just wait a goddamn minute. Because you can’t come over here with your high fallutin’ talk and fancy science degrees spoutin’ off all kinda nonsense. That way decent folk don’t take kindly. Now where’d I put my AR-15?
JW – I think what Kirsty is trying to say is that we wanted to show that there were very fine people on both sides in that film. Bring it to a modern audience.

Who will you play?
KA – I’m gonna play Elsie Stoneman, she’s from some fag Union family up north. But it’s ok, she marries the good ol’ boy Ben Cameron, who’s a Confederate war hero.
JW – And I’m gonna play me the villain of the piece. You know, that evil minded sumbitch, Abraham Lincoln. Because I’m good at villains. And we gonna get Steve McQueen to direct it.

Steve McQueen? You’re sure about that?
KA & JW – Yep.

I’m not sure you have the right Steve McQueen:
KA – Sure we do, he’s the Cooler King, the Bullit, the god damned Papillon mother fucker.

The Steve McQueen you’re thinking of is dead. You might want to look them up on IMDB. I’ll send you a link:
JW – What the fuck you on about?
KA – What? But Scott Baio said…
JW – Why did you want to listen to that liberal pinko for, Kirsty? I told you he’s a crazy mofo, ever since Diagnosis Murder. Hang on, let me open up this link and… mother fucker. He aint no Cooler King. Hang on, he directed 12 Years A Slave, that sounds promising, let me just read what it’s abo… shit. It’s political correctness gone mad!
KA – I’m definitely gettin’ my AR-15. You just wait there boy.

Call terminated

Thankfully, The Birth Of A Nation has been shelved indefinitely.

ADAM SANDLER TO REMAKE THE BIRTH OF A NATION

Hollywood – Despite recent setbacks with his upcoming western Ridiculous 6, Adam Sandler has confirmed that his next movie for Netflix with be a remake of D.W. Griffith’s epic Klu Klux Klan picture, The Birth of a Nation.

“Adam doesn’t want a repeat of the unfortunate incident with the native american actors”, said David Spade.

So his new policy is to only hire white actors so there is no chance of him offending any ethnic minority. It’s much harder to piss all over the proud history and cultural identity of white people because, well, they don’t have any. We basically spent a thousand years or so wiping out other races with either war, disease or religion and as for cultural identity, the only thing white people have in common is a high risk of skin cancer.

Spade went on to talk about the logistics of making such a mammoth movie:

We’ve hired 500 hundred white horses, some of which we spray painted black or brown to make the scenes more realistic and we’ve also hired 3000 extras, some of which we spray painted black or brown to make the scenes more realistic. I’ll make no bones about it, this film is brutal but we are not glorifying the violence committed by the Klan on african americans and no african american has the right to be offended because it’s white people, pretending to be black. To put it simply, no person of colour will be harmed during the making of this picture.

It’s rumoured that Sandler’s next project after ‘Birth of  a Nation’ is a remake of ‘A League of Their Own’ starring and all-male cast but Spade dismissed the gossip:

We’re going to be making a comedy based on ‘Schindler’s List’. Granted, it’s a difficult subject to tackle but we think we’ve got around causing any controversy by having no people of Jewish origin in the cast, just Chinese actors and maybe a few Arabs.

Birth of a Nation is due for release in 2016