ADAM MCKAY PROMISES PROFITS OF BIG SHORT TO CHARITY

HOLLYWOOD – In a move that has shocked and delighted Hollywood Adam McKay director of financial comedy The Big Short has promised that all profits of the movie will go to charity.

New comedy The Big Short starring Steve Carrell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt has a lot of fun with the financial crisis but director Adam McKay has decided to put something back:

It’s very simple. Thousands of people lost their homes as a result of the chicanery that we are portraying. It is great that people will know more about it because of our movie but the important thing is that satire and laughter lines cannot put a roof over people’s heads. So we’ll be taking every penny we make from The Big Short and giving it to the people who suffered from the financial crisis. Those who had their homes foreclosed. Those who lost their jobs.

That’s amazing.

I know. Brad, Steve and Ryan are joining suit. But it isn’t the first time we did this. When we made The Other Guys which is my answer to Serpico we used the profits to fund an organisation that investigates police corruption. When we made Anchorman 2 the only reason we did that is so that we could raise funds to build a home in new Mexico for unemployed men with mustaches.

Wait, is this a joke?

And when we made Step Brothers we used the money that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly donated to buy Africa and fill it with food.

This is bullshit Adam. So you didn’t give the money to charity? 

Are you kidding? I’m taking all the money I make and I’m giving it to my fund manager. This economy is going to crash and burn and I’m set to profit twice over. First with the shorts I’m paying for now and second with The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots.

The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots will be out shortly.

CHRISTIAN BALE BUILDS SECRET MOUSE ARMY

HOLLYWOOD – You know him as the star of such movies as The Big Short, The Knight of Cups and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but Christian Bale has also spent the last five years building up a secret mouse army, it was revealed today.

Christian Bale, star of Rescue Dawn, The Dark Knight and American Psycho, popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain revelations that broke about his 15,000 strong mouse army mustered in a secret location somewhere in Colorado.

I’ve always been fascinated by rodents in general and the possible military application an organised horde of cheese nibblers could have. Imagine if you will the desert in Syria. The terrorists are just breaking for lunch and in the distance they hear this thundering. The ground begins to tremble. But it isn’t in the distance, it’s actually really close and over the dunes arrive 15,000 mice, led by me in a chariot. I would be in my famous Berserker mode, probably quite thin for this one. And we’d just cut them to pieces.

But surely…

I thought of that. I tie tiny little razor blades to the ankles of the mice and so when they just run straight through the ISIS people it’s just blood spurt and arterial spray everywhere. The squeaking of the mice will be deafening along with the screams of dying Jihadists.

Where did you even come up with such a scheme?

Werner Herzog.

Oh that makes sense.

We are already in talks with the US military about our deployment and I would remind them that they said no boots on the ground. They didn’t say anything about tiny mice feet.

The Big Short is on general release. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.