UFC CAMPION V ELLIOTT ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of their public spat regarding Campion’s Oscar nominated The Power Of The Dog, a UFC Campion V Elliott cage match has been announced. The fight will take place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. The UFC Campion V Elliott fight will be broadcast live directly after the Oscars.

Grudge Match

Bad feelings between the two started brewing when Elliott gave an interview where he called Campion’s The Power OF The Dog ‘a piece of shit.’ Campion responded in kind in an Esquire interview where she called Elliott a ‘Bit of a bitch’. Tempers frayed from there and when the two bumped into each other at a charity gala in Beverly Hills, Campion launched a terrifying physical attack on Elliott. Witnesses to the fracas said, ‘Campion flew at him like she was possessed. She kicked him in the balls before round-housing him in the throat.’

Not In The Balls

Elliott reportedly squealed at a pitch nobody had ever heard come from the rich baritoned actor before. He screamed, ‘Not in the balls! You just crossed a line Campion. I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, padre.’ Campion responded by laughing in his face before flat-palming her hand into his nose. As the blood ran into his mouth, he spat through the crimson, ‘You piece of shit. You name the time and the place. We’re gonna do this properly.’ And with that, he ran away holding his dripping nose.

Let’s Get Ready To Ruuuuumble!

Within days, their respective agents had arranged the standard UFC sanctioned grudge match, which will take place at the Vegas MGM Grand Hotel. It’s going to take place directly after the Oscars. So Campion, whose The Power Of The Dog is nominated for both Best Picture and Director will not be attending the ceremony should she win. She will instead be backstage in Vegas, warming up for her fight. Sam Elliott, who isn’t troubling any of the Oscar categories this year, has been in intensive training since the fight was announced. ‘I’ve been doing a lot of road work and sparring with Tyson Fury.’ said the Blue Jean Cop and Big Lebowski star. ‘I’m in the shape of my life.’ He added, ‘I’m gonna nail this scene in one take… down.’

 

Shit’s Getting Real

Campion has been equally intense in her preparations by staying with Shaolin monks and learning their fighting secrets. She had this to say on the upcoming fight, ‘Shit’s getting real, man. I’m going to tear that piece of shit a new asshole. I’ve been training in Shaolin ways. I can shove my hands into hot gravel and everything. This is going to make one mother f**king badass movie. And my training sessions will be the perfect montage. It’ll make Rocky IV look like a f**king picnic. Bring him on. I’m thirsty for rhinestone cowboy blood.’

The Fight Takes Place After This Year’s Oscars Ceremony

INHERENT VICE: REVIEW

INHERENT VICE: REVIEW – Paul Thompson Anderson remakes the Big Lebowski, but without the wit.

First things first: Paul Thomas Anderson is one of those directors who – any movie of his I’m watching, that becomes my favorite movie, his Alien Vs Predator movies aside, which are bafflingly poor.  Magnolia is a masterpiece; Boogie Nights, a masterpiece; There Will Be Blood, obviously a masterpiece; Punch Drunk Love, a small quirky masterpiece and The Master is so much a masterpiece he even put half the word in the title. So what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?

Oh, and an addendum to that, I also love Thomas Pynchon and think V is a masterpiece; Gravity’s Rainbow is a masterpiece… okay? Yeah, you follow me. So again what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?

It’s not bad, it looks handsome and sounds fantastic, the performances are all good, Wacky Phoenix a likable comic lead. And PTA does TP justice, but that might just be the problem. Pynchon’s dialogue in the novel is a gag filled delight, taking from Chandler both plot and raison d’etre and giving us Marlowe played by Elliot Gould via the ‘Dude’ Lebowski, with Wolverine’s sideburns. But in PTA’s adaptation, the scenes are simply too long and too similar; one feels he’s too in love with his source material. More bothered about being true to it than creating a good movie.

At the behest of an ex-girlfriend Shasta (Katherine Waterson), private investigator ‘Doc’ Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) investigates a pair of linked disappearances. Doing so, Doc comes across a parade of semi-crazy characters from a hopped up dentist (Martin Short) to a flat top cop called Bigfoot (Josh Brolin). The lugubrious narration is given by a beach babe astrologer Sortilège (Joanna Newsom) not so much to clear up the intentionally complicated plot, but to read out chunks of the novel. Pynchon’s prose is good, cinematic even, but it does not need to be here. Just as his wise-cracking dialogue crackles on the page but burns up way too much screen time. What should be snappy comes across as gassy. And people tells us too much that sounds more interesting than what we are seeing. A dentist dies in weird vampiric trampoline accident? Let’s see it.

Again Inherent Vice is not bad. It’s just – and it pains me to say it – not a masterpiece.

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