LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.
‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’
Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’
The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.
‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’
The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’
Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.
Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.
MALIBU – Advance copies arrived of Mel Gibson‘s new autobiography Sad and Angry and Studio Exec was given exclusive permission to publish extracts.This is the third and final series of excerpts.
From Chapter Twenty Seven: Making The Passion of the Christ
The first thing and the last thing in my life is my religion. For me believing in God is like having an imaginary friend who’s bigger than anyone else’s imaginary friend and can beat them up. I love that. And even when you do terrible things, you go see him Sunday at his house and he goes ‘ahhhh, okay.’ So making a film about Christ was for me an important personal project. The first thing I did was get a whole bunch of religious groups together, Jewish groups and protestants and Mormons and I consulted them and they told me all the sensitive issues surrounding the crucifixion and all the things that could perhaps stir up controversy and offend them, and I’m proud to say I managed to fit most of that in the film. Not all but most. The biggest praise came when the Pope had a private viewing at the Vatican and he whispered to me ‘Is that the guy from The Thin Red Line?’ Words I’ll treasure till the day I die.
From Chapter Thirty Six: Everything Goes all Bull Shit
So I said to the police officer, ‘Is that a Jewish name?’ and he said it was and what of it (in quite a hostile fashion). So I replied – my allergy pills were making me feel a bit blurry but I remember this distinctly – ‘I love the Jews almost as much as I love Star Wars (my all time favourite movie)’ but apparently he thought I said, ‘The Jews start wars'(!) It was terrible.
So I finished screaming down the phone and my ex says, ‘Okay now pretend you’re mad at me and say you’re going to kill me’. By now I’m feeling a bit hoarse and plus Role Playing games and not really my thing but I say okay. And even at the time I was thinking, if you heard these tapes out of context… Nah that’ll never happen. I trust her.
From Chapter Forty: Joe Esterasshole and Jodie’s Beaver
I was at a party at Sir Edwin Fluffer’s house. That guy is Hollywood royalty and you meet some great people. Jodie Foster is there and she’s telling me about The Muppets movie that she just got green lit with Jason Segal starring. I say is there something for me and she says that might change the tone of the movie. I insisted and it turned out Jodie was right. Halfway through filming they turfed us off the lot and Segal’s scenes were re-cut into a separate movie. The stinger was we even lost the name The Muppets and got stuck with a pussy joke.
Read Part One clicking here and Part Two clicking here.