KANYE WEST TO CO-HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.

Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster  earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:

We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.

So you’re going to do what?

We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.

Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.

Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.

I can’t wait for the Oscars.

Neither can I.

 The Oscars are Sunday-ish.

BEASTMASTER TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – In a surprise move it was revealed today that the Oscars will no longer be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, who has moved aside to be replaced by Beastmaster.

The How I Met Your Mother star spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the shift:

Of course I was really excited about the gig. I had worked on material and we were going to do song and dance numbers as well. But late Friday night the call came in that Beastmaster was going to be available after all. And the minute I heard that I acquiesced. This is a historic moment in Oscar history.

Beastmaster had been approached in the early 1980s to host the Oscars but had consistently refused claiming that the awards ceremony was an infantile way of judging a medium which ‘should aspire to artistic relevance and genuine profundity, not these feeble trinkets’. Despite this the Academy continued to woo Beastmaster for three decades claiming that ‘What with the animal demographic alone, he could make the show a spectacular success.’

Beastmaster was born in a realm of fantasy and despite living the humble life of a hero and demi-God, he gained fame in 1982 when he was the subject of the film Beastmaster starring Marc Singer. Two sequels and a TV series followed, but lately Beastmaster’s powers have been on the wane. Uma Thurman, a longstanding critic of Beastmaster told Studio Exec:

I met Beastmaster when we were making Kill Bill Volume 2. He was great buddies with David Carradine and he came on location. It was sad really. This guy had commanded lions and mountain wolves, eagles and bison. Now he had this little otter on a string that he’d jerk and pretend was coming to his summons. It was pathetic.

What do you think of him presenting the Oscars?

Oh that’ll be great. He’ll bring his A game, I’m sure.

The Oscars will be broadcast on Sunday.