THE BATMAN THE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, the review is here. The Studio Exec delves into what worked well and didn’t work so well in THE BATMAN THE REVIEW.

Holy Shoegazing Batman!

Thankfully, The Batman spares us yet another origin story. If you’re going in to this film unaware Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed yada-yada-yada, then congratulations on living on a desert island for the last 50 years and maybe this film might be a bit much for your introduction into post studio-system cinema. Perhaps try Bonnie and Clyde, and then work your way up from there. But we join our caped crusader as he investigates a mysterious murder at the invitation of Jeffrey Wright’s Lieutenant Gordon. The murder is gruesome and there clues aplenty, even a riddle or two. And as he leaves the scene the cheery Nirvana ditty Something In The Way strikes up. The mood is set.

Holy Floppy Hair!

Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne is a billionaire emo who is sad. We can tell he is sad by the angle he holds his head and how he walks, like a teenager who has been told to be home by midnight and not to spend all night standing outside that 7-Eleven smoking Marlboro Golds all night long.

Holy Imperial March!

The music and score is wonderful, but the main theme’s melody owes a great deal to the Star Wars Imperial March, which can be a little distracting. As the music plays you expect to see a completely different black cape clad iconic character emerge from the darkness.

Holy Sore Throat!

Most of the male characters in the movie are attempting to out-do Pattinson’s rough sounding Batvoice except for all of the lower ranked ‘toughs’ and ‘hoods’ who all sound like they’ve been plucked straight from Rocksteady’s Batman: Arkham series of games.

Holy Bang For Your Buck!

The action set pieces are spectacular and this version of the Batmobile is wonderful. It’s no indestructible Tumbler as in Nolan’s trilogy, but that makes it all the more thrilling to see it in action. The fight scenes are brutal and bone crunching. And the villains’ gallery is well populated with turns by Colin Farrell as The Penguin, John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. Paul Dano reprises his Prisoners role as The Riddler. Zoe Kravitz does all she can with what she’s given as Catwoman, but more could have been made of her character. And why does it always have to be ‘sexy skin-tight Halloween costume’? Why not a practical boiler suit and steel toed flat boots? Oh well.

 

Holy Summary!

There is more than a whiff of Fincher’s Seven in the art design, which is no bad thing and Pattinson is likely to develop nicely in future outings. So, pretty good if you like that kind of thing. Now let’s all funk it out to Prince’s Batdance.

The Batman Is Currently In Cinemas EVERYWHERE!

MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

RICHARD KIND SLAMS COLIN FARRELL FOR NORM-FACING

HOLLYWOOD – Colin Farrell slammed by Richard Kind for “norm-facing”.

Richard Kind has launched a broadside against fellow thespian Colin Farrell following the publication of onset photographs from The Batman. In an interview with the French Cultural Magazine Chapeau, Kind said:

It’s appalling. I saw it and I was appalled. You see, a chap like me we don’t get the handsome leads. We don’t get to kiss the girls. With our chops, we fight and scratch just to get small parts, best friends, angry bosses, characters in other words. Farrell is a fine lad and I like his work. But he’s a pretty boy. What right does he have to come along and take a part like The Penguin? He hasn’t lived our life experience. He hasn’t earned it. It’s just “norm-facing” is what it is.

Norm Facing?

The only me and me mates have is that we look normal. Ask Tom Wilkinson or Ciaran Hinds. We’re not winning any beauty pageants. But then they slap on a bucket of makeup on some pretty Irish boy and he snaffles one of the prime roles from us ugs. Look at Batman Forever. Danny Devito played that role. Perfect. Imagine how he would have felt if Robert Redford had put on a mask and taken it from him.

Colin Farrell however has not taken the criticism lying down. He told Deadline last night:

Richard Kind should keep his stupid fat mouth shut. I’m doing him a favour. Everytime he dines out now he’s going to be surrounded by young women thinking he’s me. Plus Kind and his kind are hypocrites. You didn’t see me whining when Richard Kind some years ago, put on a Colin Farrell mask and starred in Alexander, a role Oliver Stone had promised to me.

The Batman will be out in 2043.

MATT REEVES’ THE BATMAN: ‘WILL CONCENTRATE ON PREVIOUSLY UNTOLD ORIGIN STORY’

HOLLYWOOD -The new Batman movie – The Batman – will concentrate on Batman’s origin story.

Matt Reeves new take on the Caped Crusader Batman – entitled The Batman – will recount the origin of how Batman became Batman.

Matt Reeves talked to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s amazing that this hasn’t been covered before, but if you read the comic books carefully there’s a fascinating story about how Batman becomes Batman.

Really?

Yeah. It goes all the way back to his childhood.

Go on.

Well, he was out in the city one night with his parents. At the opera, I think. And they came out and they were walking down an alley by the theater when some criminal stepped out of the shadwos and held a gun on them. It’s not clear what exactly happened but both Bruce Wayne’s mother and father ended up being fatally shot. Perhaps there was a pearl necklace that got broken as well and something about the moon. But poor Bruce witnessed all this. Can you imagine the effect it must have had on him?

So he became Batman?

Not straightaway, no. I mean as a child I don’t think he would ahve got very far fighting crime dressed as a bat. He waited until he was older.

But why a bat?

That I’m not sure about. Maybe he was scared of them when he was a kid. I don’t know. But the thing I want to do is connect the dots between his parents dying and his lifelong devotion to being a vigilante against crime.

The Batman will be released in 2020.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

 

BEN AFFLECK TIPS MICHAEL HANEKE TO TAKE OVER AS DIRECTOR ON THE BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has recommended Michael Haneke to take over as director of The Batman.

As Ben Affleck steps down from The Batman, the star who will still act and co-producer has some firm ideas about his replacement. ‘I think they should get Michael Haneke,’ he told the Studio Exec in an EXCLUSIVE interview:

First, I’ve always loved Michael’s work from The Seventh Continent to The White Ribbon. I think tonally he is a perfect fit for The Batman. And with Funny Games US he’s already shown he can direct in English michael hanekelanguage movies.

But isn’t Batman a more action-oriented picture?

Traditionally yes. But what separates it from other superhero pics is the tone. And Haneke really has that tone. I talked to him a lot about this. I found out he’s actually a huge fan of the DC universe.

And you’re a big fan of his?

Yeah. You know when that Sadfleck gif was going around? Well, that was partly because I’d watched a lot of his movies. A Haneke marathon kind of leaves you like that.

What do you think Will Michael Haneke’s The Batman be a movie you want to see? Comment below.