LEONARDAO DICAPRIO TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has confirmed that he will be starring as Spider-Man in the next Spider-Man film.

The amazing webslinger is back! But despite rave reviews and commercial success, Tom Holland has got the boot and been replaced by Mr. Revenant himself: Leonardo diCaprio. The former Romeo came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to chew the fat. I asked what the hell?

Look, people started saying I could be the Joker. Sure, I could do that. But I really want to be Spider-Man. Marty will direct.

Scorsese wants to do a Spider-Man movie?

He will if he wants to see his cat again.

You kidnapped Martin Scorsese’s cat?

Are you kidding me? How else do you explain The Aviator? You think Marty wanted to make that movie.

So what will your take be on Spider-Man?

I’ve loved Spider-Man ever since I was a kid. I grew up with all those comic books. I’m such a nerd.

But isn’t Peter Parker a little young for you to play?

Who’s Peter Parker? Jesus Christ, Exec. Keep up. Spi-der-ma-n.

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Homecoming will be released in 2020.

SCORSESE TITLE REVIEW

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese’s new film The Wolf of Wall Street has caused huge controversy partly for it’s use of the phrase ‘cerebral palsy’, partly for its explicit scenes of sex and drug use, but mostly because the film does not feature ‘an actual wolf’.

‘I went to see a film about a wolf, possibly killing people in the financial capital of our country, perhaps not, but a wolf,’ said theater-goer Blan Haverstock. ‘And what do I get? Some bullshit about Leo DiCarpio.’

The New Yorker review of the movie had as its headline ‘Crying Wolf?’

However, Scorsese defended himself from his critics:

Usually, I am scrupulous with my titles, making sure they advertise exactly what happens in the movie. But sometimes I use a slightly more oblique approach. So no, there isn’t a wolf in Wall Street. Not as in the actual animal. It’s a metaphor or an analogy, or a simile. It’s one of those.

To help the confused here is a brief guide to the veracity of Martin Scorsese’s movie titles.

  • Mean Streets:  The streets are quite mean. 

Veracity score 8/10

  • Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More: Alice does move but where is here? 

Veracity score 7/10

  • Taxi Driver: It is about a taxi driver.

Veracity score 10/10

  • Raging Bull: There’s no bull, just a boxer 

Veracity score 2/10

  • The King of Comedy: He isn’t funny 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Goodfellas: They’re actually Bad Fellas 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Casino: It is set in a Casino 

Veracity score 10/10

  • Kundun: Haven’t got a clue 

Veracity score ?/10

  • The Aviator: Partially true, he’s also a  nut plank 

Veracity score 4/10

  • The Departed: No one leaves for anywhere 

Veracity score 3/10

  • Shutter Island: Set on Shutter Island 

Veracity score 10/10

  • The Wolf of Wall Street: No wolf confirmed (though there is a monkey) but no wolf

Veracity score 2/10. 

 
The Wolf of Wall Street is in Theaters.