NOT ENOUGH MOVIES WITH A BLUE LIGHT GOING INTO THE SKY, AUDIENCES FEEL

HOLLYWOOD –  A new audience survey has revealed that the public actually wants more movies in which a blue light shines into the sky, usually opening a portal.

The Movier Goers Association of America (or MOGOAA) today published the results of a nation wide survey that proved that audiences wanted more movies in which a blue light is shone into the sky, usually above a city, usually to open a portal. The survey asked over seven thousand theatre goers for their disappointments and expectations. Frequently the results are used by studios to craft big budget entertainment that caters for the widest audience. MOGOAA spokesperson Ali Ppshaw explained the results to the Studio Exec:

The people have spoken and one thing they said is ‘more blue light shining into the sky please.’ This year we had the Suicide Squad but there was very little blue light shining in the sky action in films such as Jason Bourne and Snowden. Audiences have also demanded that movies include more thirty minute fight scenes at the end of movies when a team of disparate individuals finally learn to work together as a team to defeat a supermodel who can’t act.

What else did the survey find?

The public believe there is too much originality and there are a lot of people asking where the Manimal reboot is.

Manimal starring Will Ferrell will be released in 2018.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON EARNS MORE THAN $100 A DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers star Scarlett Johansson makes more than a $100 a day, the Studio Exec has learned.

The blockbusting star Scarlett Johansson earns more than $100 a day and perhaps substantially more, according to reports. Having made two successful movies this year, The Jungle Book and Captain America: Civil War Johansson has seen her income, which was already high, rise considerably.

Our resident accountant Xavier Poulis reports:

Scarlett Johansson is the highest earning female star ever and although I don’t have the exact figures, it’s definitely more than $100  a day, or a minute, one of the two. She definitely got enough money to buy herself a car and probably a house, though she might need a mortgage. She should have no problem getting one. If she walks into a shop and sees something she likes, chances are she can just buy it without having to worry about it. A round of drinks or treating someone to lunch at an inexpensive cafe shouldn’t be a problem though she’ll probably not want to be too ostentatious as that will just encourage hangers on.

Other stars like George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt also earn about $1000 plus a week.

COULD SOKOVIA BE THE NEXT COUNTRY TO LEAVE THE EU?

BRUSSELS – Following the shock Brexit result of the UK’s EU referendum, small European republic Sokovia looks to be the next country to abandon the European Union.

The result of the Brexit referendum is still reverberating around Europe with many shocked and the far right across Europe clamoring for their own referendums to leave. In France Marie Le Pen has already called for Frexit, but the most likely to go first is the small central European republic of Sokovia.

Our Sokovia correspondent writes:

Everywhere the vote to leave the EU on the part of the English has been a surprise but here in Sokovia there is widespread belief that this small European nation will be the next to leave the EU.

Why is sentiment so strong?

Mainly because the Sokovians have always felt that they have been abandoned after Ultron attacked them and lifted their capital city high up into the atmosphere and then the Avengers blew it up.

But what has this to do with the EU?

Not very much but the Sokovians can’t vote to exit from the Avengers, can they?

Sokovia will go to the ballot box in August.

CAPTAIN AMERICA R-RATED DIRECTOR’S CUT FEATURES BUCKY SEX SCENE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Captain America: Civil War, Marvel are to release the Russo brothers’ extended cut in a special R rated edition which will feature the much rumored Captain America / Bucky sex scene.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, a Marvel insider spilled the beans on the steamiest Marvel movie ever.

There was always a scene in the script. It’s in the original Mark Millar comic book. It was filmed and right until the last minute it was in the final cut, but there was an emergency meeting and cold feet prevailed. However, if you watch the movie as it stands now in theaters, you can tell that there is a missing sex scene between Captain America and Bucky. Otherwise the whole film doesn’t really make sense.

But it will appear in the director’s cut?

Yes, the film is very long as it stands and so there were questions of length as well as rating and the kind of audience we were hoping to pull. But the Russo Brothers were committed to the scene and Chris Evans was a partisan for it as well. Robert Downey Jr thought that it was obvious and the tension worked better when you didn’t have an on screen consummation. Evans and Downey got into a bit of a scrap, ironically mirroring the action of the movie.

Captain America: Civil War: The Director’s Cut will be released in June.

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

LOKI GETS STAND ALONE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – After another movie-stealing turn in Thor: The Dark World, Tom Hiddleston has confirmed that he will be playing Loki in a new stand alone Marvel feature provisionally entitled Loki: The Darker World

Attack the Block director Joe Cornish is one of the names currently in the running but some have even suggested Oliver Stone might be the surprise choice. Stone was at pains to say he had heard nothing officially but did suggest that he would be willing to take the job if it was offered. 

I’m a huge fan of the Marvel universe and Tony Hopkins told me that Thor was a lot of fun to make and I believe him. As for Loki, sure why not?  He’s by far the most interesting character and I love the way Tom plays him. 

Hiddleston himself said he would be delighted at the opportunity to fill a whole movie with Loki. “There’re a lot of issues to explore, so yeah sure,” said the English actor. 

However, some believe the maverick actor would be a risk for the studios, given his recent history of swan killing and his membership of the British ex-pat club The Jolly Bastards.  
One thing is for sure: with his huge online army of Loki fans to placate, Marvel will have to pull out all the stops to make it a good one. Here’s Loki-ing at you kid!

Loki: The Darker World will be released in 2016.

TOM HIDDLESTON KILLS A SWAN

LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.

Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.

‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’

Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off.  ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.

As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.

‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’

Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.

MARK RUFFALO TO PLAY COLUMBO

HOLLYWOOD – Following a sustained and prolonged 24 hour Twitter campaign, Mark Ruffalo ceded to the will of the people and declared he would be playing Columbo in an upcoming movie, possibly scripted and directed by the Coen Brothers.

Mr. Ruffalo initially was caught off guard by the suggestion made in a tweet by Gary Whitta, a screenwriter famous for Book of Eli. Ruffalo said he had to finish another remake of Woman Under the Influence, in which he will also take on the Peter Falk role. This will be part of Ruffalo’s extended preparation process which saw him play Edward Norton off Broadway before essaying the Hulk in The Avengers.

Ruffalo, who appeared in Foxcatcher as the Incredible Hulk, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve always been a huge fan of the television series. I thought Peter Falk was magnificent in his crumpled genius. He is an Everyman often finding crime in places where he is despised. I really can’t wait to get on the rain coat, practice my squint and say the immortal line, ‘Oh I almost forgot, just one more question.’


Columbo will be released whenever Twitter wants.

TOM HIDDLESTON ‘NOT GUILTY’ OF SWAN MURDER

LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.

The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).


The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston  listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.

Court artist’s impression

The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.

For more on this story, CLICK HERE and CLICK HERE.

IN CONVERSATION: SAMUEL L. JACKSON

 
Good Morning Mr Jackson. Can I call you Sam?
Mr Jackson will suffice.
 
Fine. Mr Jackson, The Avengers was a great success, you must be very proud.
I turn up on set, do my job and get paid. If the movie does well I get a bonus. I like bonuses.
 
But surely after the long build up, the cameo’s in Iron Man, Captain America etc…you are pleased that your character Nick Fury finally got to strut his stuff?
Strut his stuff?
 
Er…I mean you must be happy your role was extended.
I turn up on set, do my job and get paid. If the movie does well I get a bonus. I like bonuses.
 
Ok. It’s been almost 20 years since Pulp Fiction was released. What are your memories of the shoot?
Shut the f*ck up Fat Man it ain’t none of your God Damn business
 
Er…what?
What does Bruce Willis look like?
 
What?
What country you from?
 
What?
What ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
 
What?
ENGLISH, MOTHERF*CKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
 
Yes!
Then you know what I’m saying!
 
Yes!
Describe what Bruce Willis looks like!
 
What, I-?
Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherf*cker. Say what one more god damn time.
 
He’s w-w-white…
Go on.
 
He’s bald…
Does he look like a bitch?
 
What?
DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
 
No!
Then why you try to f*ck him like a bitch?
 
I didn’t.
Yes you did. Yes you did. You tried to f**k him. And Bruce Willis don’t like to be f*cked by anybody, except Mrs. Willis.
 
Mr Jackson I think we better wrap up the interview you seem to be a little fraught.
Aw Man. I’m just F*cking with you.
 
Jackson breaks into hysterical laughter.
 
Oh…Ha-Ha. Phew that’s a relief I thought you’d gone crazy.
You calling me crazy Motherf*cker!
 
Samuel L Jackson’s will star in Django Unchained due for release Christmas 2012
 
 
 
 
 
 

NEW MARVEL POLICY: ‘WE WILL ONLY PRODUCE FILMS WITH A NUMBER IN TITLE’

NEW YORK – Marvel has announced that from now on they will only produce films which have a number in the title (or a colon), because they have ‘got tired of the demands of originality’ and it makes their collective ‘heads thobbing! Can’t THHINKKKK!’

Their current platform will not be affected at all. Iron Man 3 is due out next year, which will see Robert Downey Jr continuing his protracted break from acting. Everyone is eagerly anticipating Thor 2 or something. Captain America 2 is also planned along with The Avengers 2, or as it will be called in the UK The Avengers Reassemble.

Studio Exec asked Joey Sclerosis – head of innovation at Marvel – What happens if you come up with a new idea?


‘What? Like Hulk? or Black Widow? or Something like that? Sheesh, easy peasy. We just call it Hulk 3 or Black Widow 2 and then we do a prequel later called Black Widow 1.’


And Pepper Potts, the stand alone Gwyneth Paltrow film?


‘Are you high? That’s never going to happen. We just did that as part of her contract negotiation. That ain’t gonna happen.’


No?


‘BAM, no, THWOCK, you hear me? WALLOP!’


Erm…okay.