ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE SPIDER-MAN RETIREMENT HOME

HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.

 

AUNT MAY SPIDER-MAN SPIN OFF MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone’s favorite super-hero’s aunt Aunt May is to get her own spin off movie, Sony announced today.

The studio which owns the rights to the Marvel superhero issued a statement saying that an Aunt May trilogy is projected wit the first film coming out July, 2016.

The statement reads:

Sony are proud to announce that we are continuing to wring dry explore the Spider-Man universe with a spin off film featuring one of the most beloved superhero relatives in history, Aunt May. This character, most recently brought to life by the iconic Sally Field, will now have her own adventures, foiling Betty Stevens from across the road, baking cookies and winning the local flower competition. All of this however is merely a cover for her real work conniving in the murder of her husband’s brother so that she can steal the baby Peter Parker for herself. She is a twisted evil character, who only comes to realize the errors of her ways with the awakening of the maternal instinct. And just to shake stuff up we’re going to make her black, or Chinese.

Aunt May: The Beginning will be released in 2016.  

JONAH HILL IS SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Jonah Hill to join Sam Raimi’s reboot of Mark Webb’s The Amazing Spider-Man, which looks set to be on a collision course with Webb’s own sequel in the wrung dry comic book franchise.

Raimi announced today that his Spider-Man has been chosen and it will be Jonah Hill.

The Superbad and Money Ball actor said:

Of course, it’s always been a dream of mine to play a super hero and when Marc was searching for his Spider-Man I actually tested for the role, but there were technical aspects that we couldn’t get right. Every time I was trying to you know fly through the air using my web shooter, the chains kept snapping. So they went with that limey asshole. But since then I’ve become really svelte and so, you know, when Sam called me and told me we were going to do it right this time and said count me in.

The Amazing Spider-Man Begins Again will be released on the same day as The Amazing Spider-Man, and we’re hoping for fist fights. 

REMAKE WATCH: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – News coming in about The Amazing Spider-Man took a twist this week. As well as the Marc Webb directed sequel The Amazing Spider-man 2, starring Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, fans of the web slinger can also look forward to a remake of the original The Amazing Spider-Man directed by none other than the wizard of Oz, Sam Raimi.

Raimi said the the remake will not be a sequel or a prequel or a standalone movie:

This will be a remake of Mark Webb’s film. I don’t want to contribute anything particularly new. I have no new ideas. But the fact is I just want to make a Spider-Man film and it isn’t as if anyway came to me and said, “hey do you mind if we just regurgitate the shit you’ve been working on?”

Isn’t it a bit early for a remake?

Yeah (laughs) yeah I suppose it is. And?

Er…

What I love about making films is taking original ideas and doing something with them. That’s what I did with Evil Dead and Crimewave and Dark Man. But then I thought, why bother? So now I’m just doing remakes and sequels and prequels and I don’t give a shit.

The Amazing Spider-Man Begins is set to start filming on Sunday.

STUDIO EXEC TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR



HOLLYWOOD – As the year draws to a close Studio Exec gives his unbelievably brilliant Top Ten of the top ten films of the cinema movie year:

  1. The Avengers: is my number one movie of 2013. It’s witty and action packed, stuffed with special effects and loads of possibilities for ancillary sales and sequel rights. It might cost a fair bag of coin to make but flipside, we’ll be making other spin-offs with the least expenditure of original thought. And it made $623,357,910.
  2. The Dark Knight Rises: satisfying end to a movie trilogy that convinced even the most hardened cynics that Christopher Nolan is a great director of Puccini operas. In fact, for all the nit-picking about the film many people seemed to forget that the actual original idea was complete hogwash before Nolan made it convincing. Plus it made $448,139,099.
  3. The Hunger Games: showed young girls kicking ass in an intelligent piece of dystopian entertainment, which grossed $408,010,692.
  4. Skyfall: Bond came back and blew everybody away with bangs, bullets and Bardem, not to mention a billion worldwide but domestically $289,600,000.
  5. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: If only because it means we won’t have to put up with any more Twilight films plus it made $286,130,000.
  6. The Amazing Spiderman: gets especial kudos for being so original even the fans were saying ‘another Spiderman? Really?’ The film was boring and nonsensical and absolutely pointless, but it made $262,030,663.
  7. Brave: was shit but it made $237,246,988.
  8. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: was a flaccid waste of everyone’s time and there’s more to come. Having made $222,703,000, who am I to ask for originality, brevity, some sense of innovation!?
  9. Ted: managed the miracle of having many people use the words Mark Wahlberg and good film in the same sentence without a negative particle. It also made $218,665,740.
  10. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted: I didn’t even see this (after all why would I?) but it did make $216,391,482, coincidentally the 10th biggest box office of the year.