HOLLYWOOD – What was on the menu at the Oscar Luncheon yesterday? Find out.
The Beverly Hills Hilton was packed yesterday with actors, directors and studio execs was everyone pretended to like each other while secretly wishing that their rivals would do something to greatly upset a Mexican drug cartel or an effective terrorist organisation, or a foreign power with no scruples about targeted assassination. The occasion was the Oscar Luncheon that is traditionally served before the actually awarding of the Academy awards (also known as Oscars) at some point in February, we can never remember.
But what did the stars eat? Top chef Alain Pitioise has four Michelin tires and a degree in Home Economics from the Further Education College in Dijon, France – home of mustard. He was among the waiting staff and was able to sample the food and even improve it with some of what he obliquely refers to as ‘his special sauce’.
Antipasti – Lightly shaved dolphin flakes, on a bed of brown rice placed inside German pastry crowns and drizzled in blood from a three year old girl.
First Course – A choice of free range risotto with chopped kale and lightly mocked partridge – or – curly freedom fries and a disproportionate response burger beaten by Chris Brown and delivered by drone.
Second Course – Braised tiger, released live into the luncheon room and hunted and killed by a team of top dentists and then served on the tips of flaming swords – to continue the Force Awakens theme.
Sweet – Peanut M&Ms lightly grilled, and served on bifurcated Oreos – ‘Here the chef has gone somewhere towards highlighting the problem of diversity in this year’s Oscars with a lightly satirical take on the whole OscarsSoWhite scandal. Very sweet, with notes of carcinogenic additives.’
Light white wine was served chilled by the hearts of the Koch brothers.
HOLLYWOOD – In a shock move the Quentin Tarantino movie The Hateful Eight has had its Oscar nominations revoked and the film has been disqualified from the Oscars completely.
The Hateful Eight was nominated for Best Supporting Actress Jennifer Jason Leigh, cinematography and score for Ennio Morricone. However, all these nominations have been rescinded. An Academy spokesperson gave the Studio Exec the rationale for this unprecedented move:
We hadn’t seen the full film and when we did we realized that the actor Samuel L. Jackson has quite a prominent role in the film. And well… this is embarrassing, but you see, he’s a little bit black.
A little bit…
Well, actually, he’s very black. And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but here at the Academy we’ve been trying to make things easier, streamline the whole process and just have people who are white get the awards and stuff.
But Samuel L. Jackson isn’t even nominated.
Yes, but what if Jennifer Jason Leigh invites him along?
But you have a black host.
Chris Rock is black.
No, he isn’t. I mean I saw him in Madagascar. He’s black and white.
But that was an animated movie. He’s not actually a zebra.
Are you serious?
Oh, come on.
No, wait this will work. We have Chris Rock, who is apparently black, hosting and then everyone else white, that’s great because then no one can accuse us of racism! Problem solved. And no angry Samuel L. Jackson telling us horrid stories about forcing someone’s son to do unspeakables on his unmentionables.
HOLLYWOOD – As the award season picks up, one favorite contender for the best actor Oscar, Will Smith, has told the Studio Exec why he won’t be picked up the best actor statuette, or attending the ceremony during which he would win it.
My name is Will Smith. You might know me from such films as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II or perhaps The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I was also in Wild Wild West, but no one really remembers that and in our house we just call it ‘the time dad was always angry’. As the Oscars approach I think it’s important that I make a statement concerning my decision not to attend the ceremony and not to accept the award for Best Actor, which I was going to win for my amazing role in the football drama Concussion. You see over the years I’ve seen the number of films made by and starring black artists increase. The diversity on our screens is staggering and yet the Academy every year seems to pass over these talents in a way that you don’t want to attribute to prejudice but for which no other explanation is readily available. My wife Jada Pinkett Smith has been an actress for as long as I have but her work in The Nutty Professor, Matrix Revolutions and Madagascar 3 has not received even one nomination. Not one. As in zero. This can only be because of racism.
I have a unique position in the black community as one of the few actors, along with Denzel Washington, who has the genuine ability to open a big budget film. I’ve been offered nominations all the time but I’ve always turned them down because I feel that to accept the nomination and then the Oscar while my brothers and sisters are not even getting nominated would make me into the worst kind of hypocrite. I won’t do it. It doesn’t make me happy. I wish I could say, well, okay I’ll take it. I worked hard, I deserve it. I got my speech written down and everything. All the folks I want to thank. We even timed it so the orchestra doesn’t start playing the music to Independence Day while I’m still speaking.
But there is a bigger issue at stake. It’s bad enough the levels of massive inequality, the poverty, the way the prison population likewise bespeaks a society that far from being over racism seems to be becoming more entrenched behind positions of prejudice: it’s bad enough young black kids are getting shot in the streets by the police, but the stinger, the real thing that is gonna get everyone fuming mad is if some very rich people don’t get more recognition from another bunch of very rich people in a televised ceremony and everyone talks about the clothes they’re wearing. Of such injustices revolutions are made.
So this is why I respectfully ask that the Motion Picture Academy of Cinematic Arts do not reward me the Best Actor Oscar for Concussion. But instead give it to someone else. Leonardo deserves it. But anyone else. Not Eddie Redmayne though. I mean Jesus, not him. Christ that film was dull.
Will Smith will be next visible in Suicide Squad.
HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.
Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:
We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.
So you’re going to do what?
We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.
Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.
Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.
I can’t wait for the Oscars.
Neither can I.
The Oscars are Sunday-ish.