SERIAL KILLER INTERIOR DESIGNS (PROMOTIONAL POST)

HOLLYWOOD – A rare promotional post that helps keep Studio Exec afloat.

Hi, I’m James Gumm, managing director of Serial Killer Interior Designs. We are the leaders in this exciting new field of cutting edge innovation, design and vision.

Our team of highly trained experts will lead you through the step by step process of taking your unused living space, your cellar say, or your cellar, and turning it into your very own Serial Killer Den.

Whether it’s the clean modernist lines of a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo murder room, the industrial wasteland of the Hostel movies or the more traditional collection of broken dolls, religious memorabilia and bone sculptures of Seven and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we have ideas and plans to serve even the most depraved tastes. 

Partially decomposed body in a bath? No, problem. Collections of snakes in shoe boxes? You’ve come to the right place. Jars? I think we’ve got some lying around.

So don’t hesitate: contact us today and take advantage of our special Southern Gothic offer to celebrate True Detective, made entirely of twigs.

‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE FOETUS

HOLLYWOOD – The Latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre film is to go deep into the past. 

Following the success at cinemas this Friday of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, Lionsgate have announced a further nineteen films based on the popular abattoir worker/murderer franchise.

‘We think that Leatherface and chums just have so many other stories to tell,’ said Munkus Struttal, Lionsgate CEO. ‘And we’re very eager to cash the cheques and buy the cars and houses that the money those movies earn give us.’

Jon Favreau is directing the first two films in what is already being described as a saga:

We’re going for a Harry Potter style biography of Leatherface from soup to nuts. I’m directing the first two films in the series: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Baby. In the first film there’s a fantastic scene, kind of like a Caesarian section, which is ironic because the very first chainsaw was designed for exactly that. Not from the inside out though obviously.

Doesn’t the making of sequels of dodgy genre properties represent a dip in your career?

Are you kidding me? After Cowboys and Aliens I’m just glad anybody will hire me. 

 Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus will be released in 2019.

NIGHTMARE ON TEXAS CHAINSAW STREET THE 13TH

 HOLLYWOOD –  Platinum Dunes – Michael Bay’s production company – have announced the beginning of pre-production on their new project Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th, starring Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner.

Director Alexander Aja commented: 

We were getting bored of doing them all one by one so, taking our inspiration from The Avengers franchise, we wondered why not do them all together in one kind of blendered confection. Will it be bland ridiculous nonsense, a cash grab which is an insult to the imaginative originality of the original versions? D’uh, like yeah! Obviously!

Although Platinum Dunes averages out at critical ranking of only 26% on Rotten Tomatoes many believe that their films are over-rated. ‘Some people say that the remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Nightmare on Elm Street are shit,’ said horror-film critic Lewis Plainfield. ‘Whereas in point of fact, they are f*cking shit.’

The synopsis for Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th states simply:   

A bunch of teenagers (Taylors Swift and Lautner plus the cast of Glee) are all disturbed by the same nightmare of a man called Freddy Face with chainsaws for fingers and his inbred family of mutants. In order to escape from their dreams and to have some soft core sex, they hire an RV and drive it into the woods, in the middle of the desert near suburbia in Texas. Here the RV breaks down and so they split up to cover more ground. 

Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th is due for release in 2015 and again in 2016 and twice in 2017.