MALICK AND TARANTINO COLLABORATE ON GRINDHOUSE 2

HOLLYWOOD -Following the fall-through of his Hateful Eight Western, Quentin Tarantino has announced he will be returning to Grindhouse territory with a another two-hander but this time taking over co-grunge duty is arch-auteur Terrence Malick.

Tarantino told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Robert Rodriguez is off his game at the moment. I mean, all he’s making is Grindhouse stuff now. So I was drinking Jagermeister with Terry and I happened to mention I’d like to go back and revisit the genre, being disappointed, as I am, with Death Proof. His eyes lit up and he whispered ‘the glory, the glory!’ and then danced around the bar for a full half hour to the strains of Goreki. 

Details are sketchy but Tarantino confirms that he will be writing a role for Kevin Costner to turn down. All that we know about Terrence Malick’s contribution is that he is already working on the script under the provisional title Big Tit Nazi Machine Gunners of the Wondrous Light. Terrence Malick was available to comment but we had something we had to do so we didn’t talk to him.

Grindhouse 2 will be released in 2015. 

THOMAS PYNCHON AND TERRENCE MALICK TO STAR IN TWO AND A HALF MEN

 

HOLLYWOOD – Hit CBS sit-com Two and a Half Men will have a new pair of regular stars next Fall when renowned novelist Thomas Pynchon and film director Terrence Malick make their acting debuts, joining Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher in the award winning show.

The long time Two and a Half Men fan and author of Gravity’s Rainbow, Pynchon said:

I watched it from the very beginning and I loved it. I must admit when Charlie Sheen got hit by the train I was sad and I wasn’t sure the show could maintain its highly hilarious comedic output, but on reflection and with everything that is now available, all the information I mean, Ashton Kutcher has been a revelation. And who would have thought it? He was shit in What Happens in Vegas.

Pynchon and To the Wonder director Terrence Malick will play Harvey Schmidt (Walden’s uncle) and Joey Harper (Alan’s uncle) respectively. ‘We move in to the house in Malibu with the guys and at first we’re like chalk and cheese,’ said the New World director. ‘But then, and here’s the genius, we click.’ 

Chuck Lorre – the show’s creator – said:

The idea had been kicking around. I was a huge fan of Tom and Terry’s work. I thought it was just great, if not particularly funny. But when I met them both at a party, I was knocked out by how funny they were in real life. It was like watching Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon sparring. They had the room in tears. I was in the shower the next morning when the idea came to me. I called them up and they were initially reluctant but you know a little numbers flew around and you don’t get that kind of money winning Palme d’Or or shifting hardbacks.

Lorre added that if the 12th season was a success he fully envisioned a spin off movie. ‘We’d like to do an Odd Couple kind of film with Tom and Terry. Hey Tom and Terry! There’s your title.’

Season 12 of Two and a Half Men will broadcast in 2014.  

LARS VON TRIER EXPLODES

COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.

The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang. 

Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’

The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’

However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.

Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’

MAN OF STEEL LAWSUIT ISSUED

HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit has been issued against ‘director’ Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan to immediately cease and desist promotion of the movie/film/cinematic product Man of Steel, a trailer for which has recently been released and which is due to hit screens on June the 14th, 2013.

The lawsuit was issued for copyright breach and plagiarism and was issued in the name of DC Comics by Mr. Arron Sucklenet.

‘I’ve been keeping my eye on this Man of Steel malarkey, the posters and all,’ said Sucklenet. ‘With everything I saw, my suspicions grew, but once I saw the trailer, the second one that is not the one Terrence Malick directed, the second one, I knew I had to act. Man of Steel is just a cheap rip off of Superman. There’s the badge, the costume – stuff with the school bus? fuck that, I don’t know what that’s about – but then there’s even the Fortress of Solitude.’

Mr Sucklenet has previously sued Christopher Nolan on behalf of the Bob Kane estate when he claimed The Dark Knight was actually a Batman film! The case was settled out of court and many were expecting Sucklenet to reappear when The Dark Knight Rises was released, but he said: ‘That was obviously not Batman. I mean, seriously.’


With Man of Steel, Sucklenet claims to have an unanswerable case: ‘They’ve tried to throw stuff in to cover their tracks. Noah turns up for instance which is not in the original comic book, but I think even a child could see Man of Steel is Superman.’


Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan were both washing their hair and thus unable to comment.

TO THE WONDER: REVIEW

TO THE WONDER: REVIEW – Matt Damon’s dumb ass friend and Iran hostage rescuer goes to France and meets old Bond girl. They monkey about on a train, then go back to America where Olga Kurylenko (for t’is she), plus sprog, can’t stop dancing.

Poor Affleck looks a mite confused because a. she’s hot but b. she won’t stop dancing. Later he looks even more confused because Rachel McAdams turns up and a. she’s hot but b. erm… I don’t know. Confused? Hmmm.
The cries – criticising the emperor’s new clothes – were loud when Tree of Life was released, but I for one, thought it was madcap fun (read that review HERE). Here though it’s not so much that the emperor is naked as we can see his internal organs and it ain’t pretty. Well, that said, it actually is pretty. But the Malick aesthetic has now become industry standard for car and jeans adverts and other than the look, there is very little to hold onto here.  The interminable voice over has now become grating. Sixth form poetry passing for stream of conciousness. Poor Ben looks confused.      Olga dances and doesn’t so much hug trees as suck twigs. Javier Bardem turns up, looking baffled to find himself a priest. He preaches a sermon about love being great, a few more shots of sunsets and cows, and we’re done. The film ultimately overdoses on reverence: – not just for nature, love, God etc. – but for Malick himself who seems in great need of an editor who doesn’t like Terrence Malick films.

ZOOLANDER 2 CONFIRMED AS MALICK’S NEXT PROJECT



HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller has revealed that Terrence Malick has signed up to write and direct the long awaited sequel to the fashion comedy Zoolander.
We originally hired David Lynch but the script he turned in was just too bizarre,” said an uncomfortable looking Stiller.


“His idea was to set it in the future and have Hansel and Derek enter into a love triangle with the disembodied head of Laura Dern, which is being controlled by the reanimated corpse of Dennis Hopper. We thought that would work but a couple of scenes in, he completely lost the plot. Singing bananas, spider monkeys on helium and a sex scene between Kristen Stewart and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. I said ‘David. What about the fashion?’ and he turned around, cackled, then disappeared in a puff of green smoke.”

Stiller was left with no option but to track down Malick who – he discovered – was living in a secret bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert.

“Terry has quite the arsenal down there. Bazookas, M16s, a couple of suitcase nukes. He told me he had recently been dabbling in genetics with the aim of trying to create the perfect soldier and did I want to see the results. I declined but a while later I saw three creatures working on his tank that looked like a cross between Christian Bale and the Borg from Star Trek. “

Stiller also denied reports that Malick’s take on Zoolander will be more spiritual and philosophical than the original.

“Oh no, he told me he’s done with all that. His new mantra is sex and mindless violence. My favourite scene in the whole movie is when Derek meets God and makes his head explode by flashing him the new and improved Blue Steel.”

Zoolander 2 is due for release in 2015.


BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 15. SEAN PENN

Eggs (over easy), bacon, ham, pork sausages, ham, coffee, whisky (drunk from broken bottle)

He has long been one of the most intelligent voices in Hollywood. His obvious talent was sometimes hidden in the glare of the publicity afforded him by his hi-profile relationship with a beautiful pop star and his own occasional excesses. As the years have gone by, he has moved into character acting and directing his own films which each give his own idiosyncratic take on the American dream. Unfortunately Ben Affleck couldn’t make it this morning and at a pinch I just happened to run into Sean Penn.

So Sean Gangster Squad? What the fuck?

The idea was interesting. Mickey Cohen and all that period in LA. I really thought it was time as well to make a new version of the gangster genre and I loved Ruben Fleischer’s work on erm… the Jimmy Kimmel show and … er… Oh Zombieland was good. Wasn’t it?

Are you looking on IMDB?

Fuck you! But yes. 

Okay so, The Tree of Life Sean, what the fuck? 

Now listen, Terry Malick is genius and I’d go to the ends of the earth for him. Of course, when I told him that I assumed he’d realize I was talking figuratively. Instead he actually sent me to the Gobi desert to wander around in an Armani suit.

It must have been hell.

Armani’s suits are a bit tight around the crotch but … oh you mean the desert? Yeah. Plus not a fuck did I know about what I was doing in that film. I mean seriously.

And so Sean, This Must Be the Place, what the fuck?

Oh, come on that was good. I had a ball making that and I really respect Paolo [Sorrentino], he’s an artist. You have to understand  I’m a risk taker and sometimes those risks don’t pay off. I’m the guy who is out there on the edge.

So what’s your next project?

I’m doing Prone Gunmen with the guy who made Taken and Danny the Dog

Seriously? What the fuck!

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

  

BEN AFFLECK’S GIANT HEAD TO GO AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS

After the award success of ARGO. Ben Affleck has decided to embark on a quest to become the first man to go around the world in 80 days powered by nothing but his own ego.

Affleck’s self propelled giant head will be appearing over every major capital city in the world and fans are already excited about catching a glimpse of their favourite actor.

I love Ben Assflick “ said Tokyo postal worker Yoshiru Tanaka. “ He big hero in Japan. My favourite movie is To the Wonder. That Terrence Malick, ha-ha, he a crazy guy!.

Although it is expected Affleck will make his global voyage without incident. Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has warned him not to stray into his countries airspace.

It is for his own protection we don’t think for a moment that Affleck is a danger to our nations security “ said a diplomatic al-Assad. “ However many of our people still remember Gigli and therefore it’s safe to assume that gunfire and surface to air missiles will be aimed in his direction”.

This is the second time an actor has attempted such a feat. After his Oscar nomination for The Hurt Lockerin 2008, Jeremy Renner’s head managed to make it as far Wisconsin but it deflated after he heard he had missed out on a BAFTA.

SPIELBERG LOSES DINOSAUR

SAN FRANCISCO – Film director, Steven Spielberg admitted today that one of his dinosaurs is missing.

The dinosaurs that were being kept on an isolated island in the Pacific by his new BFF Peter Jackson, while Spielberg made up his mind whether or not to make Jurassic Park 4

Toby Turns, animal handler, criticised the bearded Duel director saying, ‘They were just lumped together and allowed to roam free. There were holes they could fall down. Not natural holes, mind. Pete Jackson would helicopter in at the weekend and dig them himself. I mean I say holes, they were more like traps.’

A shamefaced Spielberg said that he leant Terry Malick a couple of dinosaurs but hadn’t been able to get the reclusive director on the phone: ‘He isn’t even answering his Facebook messages.’


The dinosaur – a Velociraptor – is said to be ‘dangerous-ish’ and that if seen: ‘it’s probably too late the two either side of you are going to get you anyway.’

Jurassic World is to be released in 2015.

TREE OF LIFE: REVIEW

The ‘oh come off it’ moment,













Benjamin Button marries Jessica Chestain and squirts out sprogs. One grows up to be Harvey Milk, one we don’t care about and the other dies, which leads everyone to think about dinosaurs and the universe from soup to nuts. The nuts bit is on a beach.
Prayer card imagery, National Geographic footage and whispering (SPEAK UP!) voice over. On the one hand a symphonic meditation on the meaning of life and the origin of suffering and on the other a load of old stuff, as Joe Biden might say. Probably both.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 5: TERRENCE MALICK

Bran, fruit, hot milk, Heidegger, Jaegermeister and coco-pops

Terry Malick famously doesn’t give interviews, but he does eat breakfast, and Studio Exec was invited over to Malick HQ to break bread with the great man during magic hour and finally ask him some questions. He was out on the heli-pad waving flares even though I’d told him on the phone I would be arriving by car. He threw the flare into a sand bucket and then, breaking open a bottle of Jaegermeister, grabbed me in a head lock and rubbed the top of my head with his knuckles. “Hey my man!”, he barked, “You bring a camera?”
To my surprise, Terry was very disappointed that I hadn’t brought a camera. “I wanted you to take my photo. They keep using that one of me wearing that big hat – I look like a f*cking dufus.”

I assured him we would use a different one as we went into the house and down the spiral staircase (like a seashell, or a Spanish cathedral, or a fractal drawing of the universe) to the kitchen. The Jaegermeister was gone. “Do you want some coco-pops?”, he asked, “Or bran? What do you want? Who are you? Are you there? What are you that wants breakfast? Two ways of eating breakfast: the way of fiber and the way of taste? Who are you to ask for breakfast? Have you seen the glory? It was here somewhere. The glory? Near the little bowl where I keep my keys, maybe.”


Terry seemed to drift off and indeed was soon wandering about the house, inspecting the microscopic movement of bacteria or glancing out the window at the flaring sun. I asked him how his latest film To the Wonder had come about.


“I was talking to Ben Affleck and the 007 girl and I got them to run about a bit. Buffaloes in a field, birds take flight, the sun glimpsed through the sudden flash of water. Who are we? What are we? Who cares? Threw it all together and hey presto! Classic!”


And you are currently working on Knight of the Cups?


Temptation, celebrity, excess. Yes.


With Christian Bale and…


Everybody on the planet. I got everybody who I could. You hear the phrase open casting call. I mean I know, right now I know, I’m not going to use half of these people, not even a tenth. You see I write a script like a novel, a really great novel. They read it and they say yes. Then I throw the script out. Throw it the fuck out and get them to walk around beaches, deserts, forests looking confused. Some Arvo Part, a little Gorecki, who knows, a dinosaur even. Bang! Classic! Malick in the house!


Right. 


There’s always got to be a river. Every single film there’s a river. Badlands, The Thin Red Line – that fucker Spielberg and his Saving Private Ryan bullshit – Days of Heaven, The New World and The Tree of Life. River, river, river. You ever see that Redford film, A River Runs Through It? That was Bobby’s homage to me. Oh, and a fire and a bird cage.


Terry slumps worn out with all his thinking and bleary eyed with the liqueur. He naps for a few minutes, and then resumes his musing:


And you know, why do we do this? Is there a God? Who is the power? The power that draws us on? What is it at the heart of nature? Where do we come from? Who are you?  


I like it. Philosophical inquiry, like Heidegger?


No, I mean who the fuck are you? Have you come to install my cable? Terry has to have his wrestling


No, I’m Chad. We spoke on the phone. 


But Terry had lost interest he had opened another bottle of Jaegermeister and was setting off flares in the back garden, screaming ‘I see the glory!” at the top of his lungs. On my way out I spoke to Pedro ,his PA, and expressed my disappointment at the interview. “Such a wasted opportunity.”, I said, “He only gives one interview in three decades…”


“What are you talking about?”, Pedro said, “He gives tonnes of interviews, but they’re all like this so no one uses them.”


At last in Studio Exec, Terry had met an outlet with absolutely no standards whatsoever.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WILL ‘BE BAD ON PURPOSE’

NEW YORK – New Fifty Shades of Grey scribe Kelly Marcel has revealed that her script of the ground breaking, lingering, thrusting, moistening novel will be ‘purposefully and dynamically bad’.
‘Making a good film is easy,’ Ms. Marcel said. ‘But this is going to be a real challenge. How can I take this towering, lurching, leering, pumping novel full of sweaty dripping, panting pages and discipline it and make it bad, so bad, you filthy bitch? You know you want it.’

Ryan Gosling was offered the role of billionaire Christian Grey and was so scared he hasn’t stop running yet. He’s currently hiding in Terrence Malick’s crowd sourced movie The Knight of Cups (read more about Malick’s new film here). Angelina Jolie also expressed an interest in the role of Anastasia Steele but was openly scoffed at and anyway her new mother Oprah Winfrey won’t allow her to do rude stuff (read more about the adoption here).

Marcel argues that the book is liberating for women, allowing them to honestly indulge in and explore their own sexual desires.

‘It’s the best thing to happen to women since the spin cycle,’ she whsipered. (Read more about the spin cycle in 50 Shades of Grey).

Fifty Shades of Grey will be released in 2015.

MALICK’S BOND FILM GETS A TITLE

HOLLYWOODTerrence Malick‘s Bond film – previously known as Bond 25 – has now got an official title: The Glory Glory Hallelujah Missile.

The film will star Daniel Craig as Britain’s most feared super spy, James Bond, 007. Music will be provided by Estonian minimalist Arvo Part and the story will revolve around 007 sudden crisis of faith which he will only be able to rekindle by his relationship with a beautiful dancing woman who whispers about nature and reads from a brilliant translation of Heidegger.

The villain is to be played by Adrien Brody but it is unlikely that he will actually appear in the finished picture.

James Bond Vs Godzilla is due for release in 2015.

A MOGUL’S MEMOIR

I must have been 3 years old when I saw my first film—some bullshit about a talking rodent—ever since then I’ve been involved in one way or another with what we generously call the business, or showbiz for those who prefer to drink champagne out of fluted glasses. 

I’ve been working on entertaining you assholes like it was a cure for cancer. I’ve given up all my dreams in making your dreams come true. There isn’t anybody who isn’t somebody who wasn’t a nobody who I made into a somebody and anybody who tells you different is a nobody.

Who told Stanley ‘the elevator doors opening are creepy but what if they were full of something? Blood maybe?’ ME

Who told JCVD post-modern irony is in, ‘look what it did for Arnie in The Last Action Hero’? ME

Who gave Michael Bay his Big Boy’s Book of Explosions and Homophobia for his 8th birthday? ME

Who told George Lucas that 1930s racial stereotypes were HI-Larious? ME

Who introduced Lindsay Lohan to the works of Jacques Derrida? ME, no wait. Actually that was Charlie Sheen.

I partied with Kubrick; got rat arsed with Malick on Jaegermeister and ate pot noodles with Mikey Caine. So for all the inside gossip, the green lights, the sequels, the remakes, the reboots, the franchises, the scandal and hoopla, this is the only blog you’ll ever need. You can also follow me on twatter.