STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

MORGAN FREEMAN TO STAR IN REEFER MADNESS

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winning actor Morgan Freeman is to star in what is being described as a tongue-in-cheek postmodern take on 1930s cult classic Reefer Madness.

Morgan Freeman will play Dr. Alfred Carroll, a high school principle who tries to instruct parents of the danger that soft drugs pose for their children. The 1936 original was directed by Louis J Gasnier and financed by a church organisation was straight forward anti-drugs propaganda. The new version will be directed by Kevin Smith and is being described as an ironic take on anti-drugs hysteria.

Morgan Freeman dropped by to the Studio Exec bungalow earlier today to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film:

The thing is Kevin, Kevin Smith, he has such a … vision. You know. He can see things. I’ve always admired that. I saw Clerks and I thought I really want to work with this cat, but we never had a project we can do together but then I thought what if we found a project and the one we could make, but I wouldn’t know which one, not really. I mean I’m kind of hungry. Are you guys hungry? What have you got for snacks?

Just these M&Ms Terrence Malick left. Here you go.

Oh, very cool. Yeah so we had the project set up and we thought the script was pretty funny. I mean not laugh out loud funny, but you know think about it and smile funny. A long dreamy smile. And we said who shall we get to direct it and I thought I honestly don’t know . And then someone –  I think it was me – said, Kevin Smith. And I said, what film has he done? And then I remembered, he did Clerks! I dug that movie. I’m just going to lie here. Oh wait my hand has gone to sleep. These M&Ms don’t have peanuts in them.

No. They’re chocolate M&Ms.

Oh that’s cool. What did Terry say when he had them?

He freaked out.

I’m not surprised. If Terry don’t get his peanut M&Ms he goes ballistic. He’s some crazy loon. Did you see Tree of Life?

Yeah. 

And?

Didn’t make much sense.

Did you see it stoned?

No. 

No? Well, let me tell you, it makes even less sense when you’re stoned! Ha ha ha! [15 minutes of giggles].

Reefer Madness will be released in 2018.

TERRENCE MALICK TO DIRECT BOND 25

HOLLYWOOD – Although Spectre hasn’t yet been released talk is already rife about the follow up Bond film, known simply as Bond 25.

Daniel Craig recently confirmed that he would be signing on for another two Bond films, which will make him the third most Bond of the Bond actors to have played Bond, after Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

A massive explosion of news on Bond 24 came with the confirmation that Terry ‘The Machine’ Malick will be taking on directorial duties for the latest installment of the most popular action franchises in cinema history. Malick first made his name with Badlands back in 1973 and then became notorious for the time between projects: there was a gap of some twenty years between Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998). 

Daniel Craig greeted the announcement with some confusion: ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. However, the producers have made a habit of taking directors from smaller independent films and giving them the reigns: Sam Mendes being the latest example of this.

Although Malick has not himself commented on this latest project, a spokesperson close to him said that ‘Terry is looking forward to exploring 007’s spiritual dimension. There will be guns, gadgets and girls, but there will also be whispered voice overs imploring an ineffable god for signs of grace as well as magic hour photography and perhaps even a dinosaur or two.’


Estonian composer Arvo Part has also been added to the team to provide a stirring minimalist soundtrack. The film is not due for release until at the earliest 2016 and so time enough for Terry (at his current rate) to make another 6 or 7 films.

ANN COULTER TO STAR IN SHARKNADO 3

HOLLYWOOD – Exclusive promo of Sharknado 3 featuring Ann Coulter has hit the internets this morning.

The Sharknado 3 poster is an obvious pastiche to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws and also hints that Ann Coulter’s role might be to play one of the sharks. This effectively halts speculation that Coulter was due to play a politician, or media pundit as first reported. The other guess was that she would play the wind that causes the Sharknado also looks unlikely.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is also due to guest star in the SyFy extravaganza which has been delayed due to union troubles. Director Anthony C. Ferrente also confirmed that stars Tara Reid and Ian Ziering will also be returning in the roles of April and Finn.

I tihnk people are going to be surprised at the direction we’re taking Sharknado. People have got used to it being a kind of ‘not funny enough’ comedy, with shitty cheap special effects and poor acting by actors who are poor. But we’re hoping to take this in a more politically relevant and serious direction. The presence of Ann Coulter as a political commentator shows how seriously we ought to be taken now.

There were reports that Terrence Malick was due to direct the latest installment but Ferente dismissed them:

We were in talks early on, but then I saw an early cut of Knight of Cups and I’m sorry but he blew it. Sharknado is a franchise which has certain requirements and I’m afraid Mr. Malick does not meet them.

Sharknado 3 will be broadcast in July.  

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

A STUDIO EXEC APPEAL: MALICK FAN FILM

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas has had them, Peter Jackson has had them and now it is the turn of Terrence Malick.

I’m talking fan films. Just as the Phantom Menace and more recently the Hobbit have been re-edited and re-imagined by enthusiastic fans who dare to second think the genius of their original creators, so it is time for Mr. Malick’s works to be taken out of his hands. The Studio Exec would like to appeal to anyone out there with the basic software and skills to make a series of fan film versions of Mr. Malick’s latest work. We’re not asking for excessive editing, or narrative manipulation. There’s no Jar Jar Binks to get rid of, it’s just … well… take out the voice overs.

All of them, take them all out. It is our contention that The New World, The Tree of Life and To The Wonder would all be vastly improved by an absence of voice over. I’d even be curious to see what The Thin Red Line, Badlands and Days of Heaven would play like. I have a feeling that the luscious visuals, the swaying camera, the ‘visual poetry’ would be all more bearable without the platitudes and Heidegger, the endless irritating whispering. I might be wrong but it would be really interesting to see.

If anyone is up for it, we can publicize your efforts on the site and repay you with sloppy wet kisses and potentially life destroying legal problems.

Who shall take up the gauntlet?

MUPPETS JOIN KNIGHT OF CUPS

HOLLYWOOD – The extraordinary cast of Terrence Malick’s new film Knight of Cups already includes stars such as Christian Slater and Natalie Portman, but it can be revealed that they will be joined by the assorted talents of the Muppets.

Kermit the Frog told The Studio Exec:

This is a very exciting development for us. We are essentially an old fashioned Vaudeville act and although we have striven to be taken seriously with our adaptation of great literary works  – The Muppet’s Christmas Carol and The Muppet’s Treasure Island to name but two – our efforts have not always been a resounding effect. Here was have a great director, with an artistic vision, and he wants us in the film alongside the likes of Christian and Natalie.

It is understood the decision to cast the Muppets was taken quite late on in the process after filming had already begun.

Fozzie Bear had this to say:

Malick works in unconventional ways and I think while he had begun shooting Knight of Cups he realised that it really lacked a comic edge. The comedy of To the Wonder had gone over everyone’s heads and so he phoned me up and he said ‘Fozzie, I need you bud, I need that old Wokka Wokka magic!’ I said, ‘Can I bring Gonzo?’ He said ‘Bring everybody!’ Five minutes later he phoned up again and said ‘Don’t bring Gervais though.’ Ha ha!

Knight of Cups will be released in 2015.

TERRENCE MALICK: LOOK AT MY HATS

AUSTIN – People often say ‘Hey Terry, what’s with the motherf*cking hats?’ and I say ‘The f*ck you want? Get the f*ck out of my wardrobe! Get outta there ‘fore I kick yo ass!’ But you know – pon reflection – I kinda get the question so here’s an answer. If’n you want it.

Okay first off this photo of me (above) directing The Thin Red Line is f*cking iconic, don’t you think? Look at me rock that bad boy. I look like Indiana Mother-F*cking Jones, boo-ya! I got my tunes on my Sony Walkman (Cypress Hill, bitches). And I’m happy because I just saw Sean Penn step in a rabbit hole and break his ankle. Har-Har!

Now this photograph over here is my first ever film role. It was Badlands. I wanted to play Martin Sheen’s character. He’s such a bad actor. Really poor. And I was all like let me do it, but the studio were nervous cause it was my first film and they were all, ‘Hey Terry, wouldn’t it be best if you focused on directing this time out.’ Then they even cut my role here. It was three hours of screen time in the original. Assholes. Still the hat is a smooth little Panama number, which despite the name are actually made in Venezuela. HAT FACT!
 
 
Let me be clear about one thing: I don’t wear a hat cause I’m folically challenged, no. It’s because I’m as bald as a motherf*cker, is what it is. Look at that globe. I’m balder than Jennifer Lawrence’s knee cap. You can see in my eyes, I’m thinking ‘Where’s my Goddam hat?’ It’s obvious. 
 
 
Now this is just flat out embarrassing. Honestly, I have to hold my hand up and just say that was the day Woody Harrelson visited the set and I was stoned as a motherf*cker. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking there. I got my shades that Michael Jackson (a dear friend) gave me and I’m saying to Ryan Gosling, ‘Just wander round looking sad and we’ll fix it all in post’. He didn’t care. We got well and truly wasted that night.
 
For more Terrence Malick Click Here.
 
 

TERRENCE MALICK: KUBRICK? WHO HE?

Our regular columnist Terrence Malick considers the work of director Stanley Kubrick.

Yo! Yo! YO! From the M to the A to the L to the I … this is too long. It’s me, Malick T. Your favourite Director/MC. Bringing da noise for da girls and da boys, for da bitches and hos there’re strong female characters I suppose. Yo Yo YO!

So everybody be talking about this dude Q-Brick, like he some kinda God, like he da man and everything. Well, I don’t know bout dat. I done watch his punk ass films and I gotta tell you dey were rank. Take Dr. Strangelove. Supposed to be a Goddam porno, asshole don’t even bother getting out of his wheelchair to till the last shot! What’s up with dat?

2001: a Space Odyssey looks nothing like 2001. A Clockwork Orange, I was thinking aw, nice, a children’s film. It’s just a bunch of Goddam rape. And The Shining? The Shining? If ever a film needed J.J. Abrams’ magic touch it was The Shining.

 
No, I don’t get it. Q-Brick had a beard. I get it. But making films? No dice pal. Whenever one comes on the TV my Eyes are Wide Closed motherfckers! You feel me?
 
For more of Terrence Malick inimitable wisdom, click here.

TERRENCE MALICK: ‘CRITICS, SHUT YOUR HOLES’

A new column by Tree of Life director, Terrence Malick begins with a reply to his critics. 

YO yo yo yo! Motherfckers, Lissen up. Terrence Malick in da Badlands. The Knight of Cups Baby! Tha’s Right. His true self. Gonna lay some goddam TRUTH on yo punk asses. So lissen and LEARN.

Some Bitches been goin round sayin I been doin too many voiceovers and not enough dialogue an’ shit. You goddam assholes better shut yo noise or I’m gonna kick yo sorry asses To the Wonder. You feel me motherfckers? Three Thin Red Lines be coming out three motherfcking bullet holes bro, you don’t stop yo bullshit.

And David Denby of The New Yorker gonna tell me To the Wonder is ‘trivial narcissism’? You lissen up Denby, I’ll introduce you to The New World, The New World of Pain motherfcker!

And Michael O’Sullivan at the Washington Post says the story ‘isn’t compelling’? I’ll compel him up the ass with a Goddam UZI!

And A.O. Scott of The New York Times says the film ‘paves the way to puzzlement, not awe’? Well, you lissen carefully now: you can just shut up. Yeah, I said it.

So pull up the Jagermeisters and sit yo asses down while I lay it out. I do my shit the way I do my shit cos of my keen perception of what Martin Heidegger called Dasein, being that knows it is being, and my hope is to escape that and somehow capture an opening to the actual being in a world of things and how that relates to an openness to God but not a doctrinal and narrow deity, but rather a God grasped in the magic of being and the brief moments – the magic hours – when the perception of this can be most readily achieved, even when it is at its most transitory, motherfckers.

For More Malick CLICK HERE and follow @theTerryMalick on Twitter.



2014 CANNES LINE UP ANNOUNCED

PARIS  – The 67th Cannes Film Festival line up was announced today in Paris, France by Gilles Jacob and Thierry Frémaux, and there were some big surprises.

Opening Film: 

Space Nugget (3D), Dan Harmon

In Competition:


My Wife the Leper, Gundi Baba

Tedious China, Xi Ling

My Grandmother’s Dog Has Cancer (Again), Zoltar Vochkin

Soup. Croutons. Soup. Abdellatif Kechiche

Knight of Two Cups, Terrence Malick

Not Just a Pretty Face, Ryan Gosling

Il Mio Debut Numero 3, Asia Argento

Sex and the City 3, Ken Loach

Mr. Potter and the Chamber of Prequels, Mike Leigh

I Haven’t Had a Glass of Clean Water for Five Years, Soso

Sosoko

25 Year Old Asshole, Xavier Dolan

Are You Being Served? Tommy Lee Jones

Fox Kisser, Alba Wonka

Admit it, You Thought I was Dead, Jean Luc Godard

Malaysia’s Last Chocolate Biscuit, Brillante Mendoza

My Father’s Racist Vagina, Lars Von Trier

Closing Film:

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (Andy Fickman)

KNIGHT OF CUPS: A ‘PORN FILM’

HOLLYWOOD – Showing at Cannes this year, Terrence Malick‘s new film Knight of Cups is a hardcore porn film according to actor Christian Bale.

Speaking in an interview with French Cultural magazine Chapeau, the Dark Knight actor stated bluntly: ‘I have sex with lots of women. And that’s basically it.’

Very little is known about the film, except for the bare bones of the plot, which has Christian Bale working in the music industry and having relationships with a series of women, including Natalie Portman, Freida Pinto and Cate Blanchett. Later in the interview, Bale gives some idea of Malick’s motivation for the extraordinary genre shift:

When Tree of Life came out, Terry was a bit nonplussed that Lars Von Trier hogged the limelight with his Nazi gaffes and Melancholia, which some thought was a better film. So once he heard Lars had done Nymphomaniac he phoned me up and said ‘Right Christian, drop the Heidegger and strip!’

However, fans of Malick needn’t worry about the new direction the film is taking.

Once we did all the sex scenes, and there are many and they’re all very explicit. But once we’d done them, Terry got us all in the recording studio for two weeks and we dubbed hours and hours of whispered voice over.

Philosophical stuff? Spiritual yearning?

Erm. No, not really. More, ‘Oooh that’s a big one’ and ‘Mmmmm lovely tits’. Tastefully done mind you. Tons of Goreki.

The Knight of Cups will be released 2016. 

5 ACTORS’ REAL NAMES REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – ‘A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet’ wrote Shamlyn Pod, or William Shakespeare as he is better known.

However, in Hollywood (real name Dusty Hills) what a rose is called is of great importance. For the first time, The Studio Exec will name and shame those such as Valerie Shitstain (Jessica Chastain) and Mammory Driver (Winona Ryder) who have left behind the handle their parents ill-advisedly gave them in their climb to stellar-ish stardom. 

1. Michael Caine: Everybody knows him as the cheerful cockney butler with a love of tangerines and a tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a bat, but he was first brought into the world as humble Nickelback Micklemouse, a name which would later be used as inspiration for one of the more tedious examples of ‘rock’.

2. Scarlett Johansson: Famed Norwegian beauty and star of Her was baptized after the patron saint of Jam sandwiches: Slappy Dappy Fffnerfenerrff.

3. Spike Lee: The radical black director, friend to struggling graphic designers everywhere and vigilante distributor of the wrong addresses, was known to his schoolmates as simply Seamus Flannagan O’Rourke.

4. Terrence Malick: Film director and voice over artist extraordinaire, bird watcher and stand up comic, Terrence Malick changed his name in order to gain more respectability. His real name is Larry Giggles.  

5. George Clooney: George Clooney’s birth name is Brad Pitt (and Brad Pitt’s is George Clooney), but while they were both struggling young actors, they decided to swap their names as a gas. Before they knew it, they were world famous and it was too late to swap back. For a joke, shout out Brad whenever George is in the room and watch him spin around, before checking himself.

For more 5 FACTS click HERE!