HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.
Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.
In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.
The Crushing Of HBO MAX
The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.
Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore
Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.
Hasta La Vista, Disney
Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.
HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.
HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.
Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?
As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.
Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?
Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.
It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?
Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.
If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.
No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.
Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.
Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.
These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-
This Interview Is Over.
Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.
HOLLYWOOD – The new reboot of Terminator has a synopsis and you’re going to love it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to return as the killing machine robot in a new Terminator reboot which promises to fix some of the problems with the franchise. He popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to give us the nut:
It’s amazing. I was so busy governing California I took my eye off the ball. Jim Cameron did his best to keep the boat steady but now ‘I’m Back!’ in charge and I have already worked out the story of Terminator 5 or 6.
Okay. What is it?
My Terminator will go back and kill all the other movies that were made featuring the Terminator after Terminator 2: Judgement Day. I was tempted to go back and kill that one too but we’ve decided to let that one stand. The others are toast.
I know. So Rise of the Machines, Salvation, Genesys, er… I mean that last one. They didn’t even know how to spell Genesis, for crying out loud. Anyway we wipe them out.
How do you wipe them out?
I kill the entire cast and crew of all the films except me.
Terminator: Apocalypse will be released in 1992.
HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Titanic director, James Cameron received widespread criticism after claiming Wonder Woman should have been more feminist.
It’s an odd state of affairs. On the one hand, it looks like mansplaining on a Titanic scale, which has seen James Cameron thrown into an Abyss of opprobrium. But the actual comments he made seemed like a valid response. He stated in an interview with British newspaper The Guardian:
All of the self-congratulatory back-patting Hollywood’s been doing over Wonder Woman has been so misguided. She’s an objectified icon, and it’s just male Hollywood doing the same old thing! I’m not saying I didn’t like the movie but, to me, it’s a step backwards. Sarah Connor was not a beauty icon. She was strong, she was troubled, she was a terrible mother, and she earned the respect of the audience through pure grit.
As galling as it can be to have an older geezer telling a female director what she should have done with a female character, her response talks more about how the audience – specifically women – react to the character, rather than the depiction of the character herself. Here it is in full:
Audience react to it, so it must be good is an argument, but it isn’t necessarily a strong one. I loved Wonder Woman and I think it still had problems. Ultimately, there’s always going to be debate about objectification of female characters which often comes down to intention and literally point of view. The male gaze stuff isn’t as popular as it once was, as a theory. And here we should note that a Marvel comic book movie isn’t some auteur-led vision of the director alone. So all this is just to say we shouldn’t shut down debate quite so quickly. We’re not Aliens, snapping about like Piranhas, waiting for some Judgement Day to come. We’re human beings try to work out how best to deal with each other via the Avatar of art.
James Cameron will release Avatar 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 subsequently.
HOLLYWOOD – Once more James Cameron is to take over the reins of a Ridley Scott film as he prepares to shoot the Gladiator sequel.
Following close on the news that James Cameron is to direct the sequel of Prometheus came the revelation that he is also prepping a sequel to the Russell Crowe sword and sandal epic Gladiator. Gladiators will be set ten years after the events of the first film. The official synopsis reads:
Maximus Decimus Meridius is dead but not forgotten. The people of Rome have elevated him to the status of a demi-God and a symbol of freedom. Lucilla mourns her dead lover and her son, the new emperor, Lucius Verus, now known as Optimus, believes he is the model of manhood. When Rome is threatened by an invasion of Vandals and Goths from the North, Emperor Optimus with the help of the High Priest of the Temple and necromancer decide to raise Maximus from the dead to lead their armies. Unfortunately, they are too late and the Barbarians are already at the gates of Rome. Killed halfway through the ceremony, the priest manages to complete the incantation and as the invaders celebrate their victory a hoard of Maximuses are brought to life. Will they be able to free Rome and free the imprisoned Lucilla and Emperor Optimus or are they doomed to fight in the Coliseum for the entertainment of Rome’s new Masters?
James Cameron popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film.
I’m looking forward to it. I am putting Avatar on hold to do this and Prometheuses but I believe both films will extend much loved universes and I am confident, following my success with Aliens, that everyone will be happy.
What is it with Ridley Scott’s films in particular?
It’s like this. I consider Aliens to be my first big break. Terminator was a success, but I don’t know if I would have got Terminator 2: Judgement Day without Aliens. So I have a lot of affection for that movie. Whenever Ridley comes out with a film, it is almost a reflex for me to think, would it work in the plural. Sometimes, it’s obvious that it won’t. Thelmas and Louises I wrote a script but the story of two sets of twins who went on a road trip into the badlands of misogyny was never going to work. Matchstick Men was already plural and Black Hawks Down seemed tasteless. More recently I briefly considered The Counselor, but really, what’s the point?
Gladiators will be released in 2018.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Director of Avatar, Titanic and the first two Terminator films, James Cameron has come out swinging in support for the latest film in the Terminator franchise, but his shirt mutely contradicted him throughout his comments.
Even as James Cameron said that he considered Terminator Genisys – starring Emilia Clarke and Jason Clarke – as the third film in the series – dismissing Terminator Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation – his shirt seemed to be colorfully saying ‘I liked Terminator Rise of the Machines’. Cameron spoke about how he loved watching Terminator Genisys as a fan and how pleased he was with how respectful the film was to its predecessors, the paisley (?) shirt suggested a suppressed love of Christian Bale’s John Connor.
Science fiction aficionados were quick to hit the comment boards and pick apart the subtext of Cameron’s shirt.
Swiss Sci-fi buff Xavier Poulis wrote on the Freejack fan site Jaegger:
I think it’s obviously a throwback to the sixties and the Golden Age of Science Fiction shirts. It’s psychedelic exuberance suggests nothing less than the Stargate section of 2001 a Space Odyssey. Although Cameron was letting off spoilers, left right and center, his shirt seemed to subtly undermine almost everything he said. Hinting that fans of the first movies will again be wearing that fixed fake smile that Schwarzenegger flashes in the trailer as they watch the new film unfold before their unbelieving eyes.
It is believed that Paramount have given James Cameron’s shirt a three picture development deal and that its first project will be a remake of The Deep.
Terminator Genisys is directed by Alan Taylor, written by Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier and will be released on July 1, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron announced today that he had sent John Connor back in time to destroy a number of Terminator sequels.
The sequels Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the Sarah Connor Chronicles and Terminator Salvation will all be destroyed by Connor, James Cameron stated.
Things have gone to far and they’ve gotten way too complicated. The original film was a blast and it had a lot of stuff I was very proud of. Then Terminator 2: Judgement Day took it to another level. The best film in my opinion. Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better and Linda Hamilton and the story actually had something interesting to say. But then we got to the third one. I didn’t direct it myself and the result was frankly substandard and then things really started to go south.
According to the Avatar director, the mission will see Connor meeting Cameron in the past and either persuading him to forego the ancillary rights or killing him.
With the sequels all gone, the new film Terminator Genisys might just make some sense.
But surely that will create a paradox?
What do you mean?
Well, if they succeed in killing you, then you won’t be able to send John Connor back to stop you from… you see?
F*ck, I have to get Arnie on the phone tout suite! Thanks Exec.
Terminator: Genisys will be released or not in the FUTURE!
HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey’s Civil War time travel comedy previously known as the Free State of Jones has got a change of name and direction: Home Alone: Origins.
Although originally billed as a serious drama, director Gary Ross said the change of direction had been motivated by the star himself. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Matthew was very concerned that he had done perhaps one too many gritty role. He’d got his Oscar and it had served him well and his roster looked just a gritty with the the new Reese Witherspoon drama Gritty Mud coming up. So we got together and we thought what can we do to return Matthew to the zone of Failure to Launch and Fool’s Gold. The glory years as we call them.
Well, we had the rights to the Home Alone series and we decide wouldn’t it be fun to do a kind of Lost in Time prequel. What if Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) was staying at his mad scientist uncle’s place, played by McConaughey, and he accidentally got trapped in a time machine and left behind at the time of the Civil War. The uncle has to go back in time to find his nephew. Meanwhile, Kevin goes from bloody battlefield to bloody battlefield, playing a key role in victories and defeats, using improvised cartoon-like weapons, bowling balls, tennis rackets and buckets of cold water.
Sounds hi-lar-ious. Will Culkin be age appropriate though?
Don’t worry we’ll Serkis him. We’ll need to use a lot of CGI anyway. What we first shot is still quite dark and gruesome. But there was always a darkness to Kevin’s story. And Andy Serkis will be perfect in bringing the out.
And what about the Terminator connection?
I’m glad you asked me that. Of course, that is the other great time travel franchise, so we thought why not tie it in? It’s not as if anyone is actually paying attention anymore to continuity or logic. So yes a T2000 will feature in the film, voiced by Joe Pesci!
Home Alone: Origins will be released in 2016.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor
MARIANA TRENCH – Deep beneath the Ocean, I caught up with the visionary genius and Captain Nemo wannabe James Cameron to discuss his latest projects and eat a hearty breakfast of plankton and krill.
So James, I suppose we should first talk about the Avatar sequels. Is it true that you’ve written three scripts simultaneously?
Yes that is true.
Well, it’s not like I think about them that much. Or write characters or such.
Oh I see.
Though I was hurt about a lot of the criticism I got, after the first film. People were saying that the first Avatar was basically Dances with Wolves crossed with the Blue Man Theater group.
That was preposterous.
And inaccurate. It was obviously Pocahontas and The Smurfs.
Oh, yeah absolutely. What can we expect this time around?
We’re going to see a lot more of the planet. And there’s going to be some fabulous creatures and adventures and I want it to be more political. The Na’vi are going to be ethnically cleansed basically.
That sounds quite heavy.
No, don’t worry. When I made Titanic everyone was saying, ‘Jesus Christ Jimmy! Three thousand people died’. But I was like don’t worry, the way I do it, it’ll look like fun. And it certainly did.
Finally can we have a few words about the new Terminator.
Of course. My role is going to be decidedly a back seat one.
So you’re producing.
No I’m sitting in the backseat of my limo while my agent runs into the studio to collect my fifteen percent.
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HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that the FCC is about to bury the concept of Net Neutrality, communications giants Comcast and Time Warner celebrated by announcing that their post-merger super-company will henceforth be known as SkyNet.
A spokesperson for the new company said that the new name was supposed to inspire ‘a sense of awe, trembling and fear in our valued customers as well as encouraging a predisposition to obey our digital overlords.’ Asked whether the name had any connection to the machines which take over the world in the Terminator films, the same spokesperson said the following:
Ha ha ha! Terminator films? Oh really come on. I mean, really! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously? Seriously? Ha ha! You’re comparing a merger of Time Warner with Comcast with a Science Fiction movie about a heartless capitalistic mechanism taking over the world and mercilessly crushing all opposition. Well, yes. Obviously.
Sofia Coppola’s Terminator 5 will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – During an AMA on Reddit James Cameron, genius submarine driver, revealed that he is working on a spin off from his Oscar busting commercial success Titanic.
The Abyss director and ‘King of the World’ (TM James Cameron) declared:
The new film will be a prequel – naturally – and will be based entirely on Billy Zane’s character. I don’t think a day has gone by without someone saying to me: ‘but what about Caledon ‘Cal’ Hockley? What was his life like following the Titanic disaster and maybe even before?’ So we decided to answer those questions.
The Terminator 2: Day of Judgement brain face continued:
My idea was very simple. What if Cal was struck by huge remorse at having betrayed his notion of honor and escaped the sinking ship. He’s made a vast fortune and although we might have given away something in the script about him killing himself, he actually fakes his death so he can use the money he’s squirreled away to build two brand new Titanics. That’s the title by the way. I always come up with the title first and then try to fit the story into the title and that’s often a challenge. Anyhow unbeknownst to Cal, on the maiden voyages of the Titanics, the Atlantic Ocean has something in store for them – two icebergs – which the arrogant captains are rushing towards believing (mistakenly) that their ships are unsinkables.
Internet speculation has been explosive as to whether Cameron is serious or whether he is telling True Lies.
Titanics will be released in 2031.