NEW TERMINATOR REBOOT TO GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL ALL THE OTHER TERMINATOR REBOOTS

HOLLYWOOD – The new reboot of Terminator has a synopsis and you’re going to love it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to return as the killing machine robot in a new Terminator reboot which promises to fix some of the problems with the franchise. He popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to give us the nut:

It’s amazing. I was so busy governing California I took my eye off the ball. Jim Cameron did his best to keep the boat steady but now ‘I’m Back!’ in charge and I have already worked out the story of Terminator 5 or 6.

Okay. What is it?

My Terminator will go back and kill all the other movies that were made featuring the Terminator after Terminator 2: Judgement Day. I was tempted to go back and kill that one too but we’ve decided to let that one stand. The others are toast.

Wow!

I know. So Rise of the Machines, Salvation, Genesys, er… I mean that last one. They didn’t even know how to spell Genesis, for crying out loud. Anyway we wipe them out.

How do you wipe them out? 

I kill the entire cast and crew of all the films except me.

Terminator: Apocalypse will be released in 1992.

BACK TO THE FUTURE DAY IS A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

HOLLYWOOD –  Scientists have revealed that Back to the Future Day represent a serious glitch in the Matrix and might bring the virtual reality universe in which we unwittingly live crashing down around our ears.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Neil deGrasse Tyson has warned that October 21st 2015 in matching the date to which Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel at the end of Back to the Future – the so called Back to the Future Day – represents a major paradox in the space time film reality continuum.

‘It’s like Inception, but times like a squillion,’ said the noted astrophysicist.

The only solution that I can think of is to hand over all our most essential computing tasks to SkyNet, a system of coordinated AI servers that I invented with the help of the HAL 2000. Aside from his amazing computing skills and innovative imagination, Hal also has a screen writing credit on Terminator Genisys and plays a great game of squash.

But why does Back to the Future Day represent such a threat?

The thing is when the fictive universe created in film coincides with our own universe, which we like to call ‘real’ but which is in fact only another fiction, then this creates a paradox. Imagine we crossed the beams in Ghostbusters, or like in 12 Monkeys, Madeline Stowe was actually here right now doing things and Bruce Willis was a moderately good actor! Hard to handle, right? Once such a paradox occurs who knows what will happen. My personal guess is that it’ll be like watching Looper on a loop, or dreaming about Inception. People begin designing hover boards and professing a love of Huey Lewis and the News. Once that happens, I’m afraid it is game over.

But won’t SkyNet seek to take over the world and destroy all human resistance?

Well, yes, but you have to ask yourself: is that such a bad thing?

Happy Back to the Future Day from the Studio Exec.

JAMES CAMERON’S SHIRT DOESN’T LIKE TERMINATOR GENISYS

HOLLYWOOD – Director of Avatar, Titanic and the first two Terminator films, James Cameron has come out swinging in support for the latest film in the Terminator franchise, but his shirt mutely contradicted him throughout his comments.

Even as James Cameron said that he considered Terminator Genisys – starring Emilia Clarke and Jason Clarke – as the third film in the series – dismissing Terminator Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation – his shirt seemed to be colorfully  saying ‘I liked Terminator Rise of the Machines’. Cameron spoke about how  he loved watching Terminator Genisys as a fan and how pleased he was with how respectful the film was to its predecessors, the paisley (?) shirt suggested a suppressed love of Christian Bale’s John Connor.

Science fiction aficionados were quick to hit the comment boards and pick apart the subtext of Cameron’s shirt.

Swiss Sci-fi buff Xavier Poulis wrote on the Freejack fan site Jaegger:

I think it’s obviously a throwback to the sixties and the Golden Age of Science Fiction shirts. It’s psychedelic exuberance suggests nothing less than the Stargate section of 2001 a Space Odyssey. Although Cameron was letting off spoilers, left right and center, his shirt seemed to subtly undermine almost everything he said. Hinting that fans of the first movies will again be wearing that fixed fake smile that Schwarzenegger flashes in the trailer as they watch the new film unfold before their unbelieving eyes.

It is believed that Paramount have given James Cameron’s shirt a three picture development deal and that its first project will be a remake of The Deep.

Terminator Genisys is directed by Alan Taylor, written by Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier and will be released on July 1, 2015.

JOHN CONNOR SENT BACK IN TIME TO DESTROY TERMINATOR SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron announced today that he had sent John Connor back in time to destroy a number of Terminator sequels.

The sequels Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the Sarah Connor Chronicles and Terminator Salvation will all be destroyed by Connor, James Cameron stated.

Things have gone to far and they’ve gotten way too complicated. The original film was a blast and it had a lot of stuff I was very proud of. Then Terminator 2: Judgement Day took it to another level. The best film in my opinion. Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better and Linda Hamilton and the story actually had something interesting to say. But then we got to the third one. I didn’t direct it myself and the result was frankly substandard and then things really started to go south.

According to the Avatar director, the mission will see Connor meeting Cameron in the past and either persuading him to forego the ancillary rights or killing him.

With the sequels all gone, the new film Terminator Genisys might just make some sense.

But surely that will create a paradox?

What do you mean?

Well, if they succeed in killing you, then you won’t be able to send John Connor back to stop you from… you see?

F*ck, I have to get Arnie on the phone tout suite! Thanks Exec.

Terminator: Genisys will be released or not in the FUTURE!