IF YOU PLAY TENET BACKWARDS IT MAKES SENSE

HOLLYWOOD – Playing Tenet backwards causes logic to work.

Professor Archi Newton today revealed that playing Tenet backwards makes more sense than the conventional way of screening the film. Newton who teaches ‘The Phenomenology of Happy Days at UCLA told the Studio Exec about the origin  of his discovery.

I remember in the 60s and 70s people frequently played their albums to find messages. It started with the Beatles and then kids did it with Pink Floyd and all these Heavy Metal groups. It was wack. So when I saw Tenet with my sexual partner Cloris, I thought hell, why not. We filmed the film illegally on our phones and then I used some software to reverse the film. All of a sudden everything makes sense. For one thing you can actually hear what the characters are saying.

No shit?

Absolute shit.

Go on.

So the story obviously starts with the Horcrux being hidden and Kenneth Branagh leaping back to life. Then there’s a lot of stuff about trying to get a briefcase to go somewhere. And they put together a van and restore the briefcase there. Then John David Washington and Robert Pattinson take a team apart and then split up themselves. I’d tell you more but I don’t want to spoil the beginning.

Do you think this is the way Christopher Nolan intended for it to be seen?

I don’t give a fuck. The author is dead asshole. And the academic strides the world like a king or queen.

Tenet is in theaters.

TENET WAS ALREADY RELEASED TWO YEARS AGO

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan announces that he released Tenet two years ago.

In a further twist to the Tenet release saga, we learned today that Christopher Nolan released the film two years ago.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec saying that publications like Variety were rubbish. Here, is the interview in full:

I only talk to you SE, because you’re the only one who can truly grasp the intertwining intricacies of my complicated mind.

Right. Gotcha Big C. So what’s all this about Tenet already being out?

You’ve asked me that question already.

Have I?

You will have have.

Wait. What?

You see all my films firstly have this way in which their distribution and the theatrical experience mirrors the themes of the films. So I want to make a big film like Dark Knight, I use Imax. I want to make a dream I make Inception or I want to go back in time for Dunkirk, that’s what I do. Tenet is about time travel. So the best way of releasing it was to go back in time and release it then.

So you’ve gone back in time and released Tenet already?

That’s absolutely right. You’ve already seen it.

Did I like it?

You loved it. The critical reaction was overwhelmingly positive, except for those arseholes at Variety.

What have you got against Variety?

I hate them. They call their magazine Variety and it’s all about movies. Where’s the variety in that?

I see what you mean. So how come I have no memory of Tenet if I’ve already seen it?

Don’t you have a memory of it?

Wait, the way Kenneth Branagh dies is… oh hang on that’s a spoiler.

No it isn’t. Everyone’s already seen it.

Tenet comes in 2018.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN RECALLS BACK CATALOGUE FOR TENET

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan recalls his entire catalogue of films prior to the release of Tenet.

In a bold marketing move to promote Tenet, Christopher Nolan has recalled his back catalogue. He’s demanded the public ‘Get back to their iMax cinemas and watch my new film’.

The blockbuster auteur famous for complex plots and breathtaking action blockbusters such as Interstellar and The Dark Knight Trilogy released this statement:

‘I decree all my other films will not be seen again until you all get your sh*t together and cough up the price of an iMax ticket. They will be wiped from all streaming sites. If you have them on archaic ‘Blu Rays’ or even ‘DVDs’ (hahahahahahahaha), expect a visit. Someone in a smart Italian suit with slicked back hair will knock on your door. They will resemble either Tom Hardy or Marillon Cotillard. They will point a gun in your face until you hand my films over. Some of you may dream about an idea to wipe all of my films from your hard drives. You will follow up on this dream and obey.’

‘The Academy aren’t getting away with this either.’ said Nolan, ‘Those gutless wonders aren’t pulling out of next year’s Oscars. I’ll win Best Picture if I have to brain wash incept every single one of them. I refuse to accept Trolls World Tour will win the Best Picture Oscar by bloody default.’

Warner Brothers release Tenet on July 17th later this year. I will now delete all of my Batman films, for some reason. I obey, I obey.

TENET CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER TWO DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Eagerly awaited Tenet is almost two days long, according to reports.

Christopher Nolan‘s new film Tenet has a new running time: 46 hours 28 minutes. We learned the figure today from someone on twitter who has fifteen followers and an egg for an avatar. However, film twitter are going wild with the news.

We spoke with Christopher Nolan about his new film and the running time.

So Chris, two days.

Yes, almost that’s right. We think we need a large canvas. IMAX. Almost two days of running time. So bring a bag of crisps and a thermos.

And it’s about time?

Yes. It’s about inversion of time. And it’s about a bunch of people, a hit time of highly skilled professionals doing something that can very easily be read as a metaphor for film making and then everyone in the cinema will go ah! and nod. They work for the government in a kind of agency or something and they’re going to prevent something that’s worse than the apocalypse.

What’s worse than the apocalypse?

An aeroplane exploding!

Brilliant.  

But seriously. This is going to be my masterpiece. It’s like a Wagner film.

What Hart to Hart?

Not Robert Wagner you dolt.

Tenet stars John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Dimple Kapadia, Michael Caine and Branagh.