HOLLYWOOD – Federal authorities have warned that the release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows might cause violence and have insisted that distributors take precautions.
The release of any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a big deal, but the highly anticipated arrival of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows has prompted law enforcement agencies across the country to issue some of the starkest warnings yet since M. Night Shyamalan released The Happening. A spokesperson for the FDD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We know for a fact that some people are going to want to go and see this film. Most of these people are honest, decent hardworking folk who just wanted to relax in front of one of the big tent pole releases of the Summer blockbuster season. And yet we also know that the demand is going to be so high for tickets that not everyone is going to be satisfied and that’s where the trouble might start. We will be stationing full riot police at every cinema and erecting outside screens to try and deal with the overflow.
The extra measures will hopefully avert the scenes that greeted the release of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 2014 which saw over five thousand people lose their lives in what was described as ‘the nearest thing to a movie civil war’.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be released in July, 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the massive success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jonathan Liebseman has announced that he is planning to film a live action version of the Hanna-Barbera classic Touché Turtle.
Touché Turtle and Dum Dum has already got a script finalized and is due to start filming in the Fall. Jonathan Liebseman came into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the project:
Many people will be saying to me, ‘Jonathan Liebseman enough with the Turtles already’, but once you start researching turtles as I did extensively for TMNT then you start to realize how fascinating these creatures actually are. Did you know that turtles typically live until they’re more than one hundred years old?
I think. I mean I don’t know. They look old, don’t they?
What about the new film Jonathan?
It is based on the first ever Touché Turtle episode The Whale and the Tale but we’ve made it longer and Hans Zimmer is already working on a score, which he’s calling Touché Away. Lots of tuba. We have Andy Serkis interested but he hasn’t decided yet. He’s a bit worried about being typecast and he’s also quite busy with The Jungle Book. Jack black has been begging me to let him play Dum Dum but I’m not convinced. Did you know the shell is actually part of the turtle’s body and not just like a little house they carry around?
Yeah, I knew that.
Touché Turtle and Dum Dum will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay produced, Megan Fox starring and Jonathan Liebesman directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has hit the screens and is winning plaudits and applause universally, with not a single dissenter. But how much do we know about these ‘TMNTs’? And is there anyway we could kill them? The Studio Exec sent the FACT squad into the sewer of untruth to delivery the pizza of KNOWLEDGE.
1. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles don’t exist. They were just made up by some guy. First as a comic book, then a cartoon, then a film, and now this. I mean it’s pathetic really the lies people tell.
2. Among fans there is a huge controversy over adjectival order. In their first appearance they were called the Mutant Teenage Turtle Ninjas, but then this was changed to Ninja Teenage Turtle Mutants and even for a short period the Turtle Ninja Mutant Teenagers. In Los Angeles a series of drive-by shootings from rival gangs were blamed on the mutant ninja or ninja mutant dispute of 1998.
3. Although still labeled as Teenage, the Mutant Teenage Mutant Ninjas are all now in their mid-forties.
4. Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael and Leonardo all take their names from German novelists.
5. Michael Bay.
For more FACTS click HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – With originality as popular as ass cancer in Hollywood at the moment, studios have just launched a plan on how to make sure they never have to touch an original idea again: to remake remakes which are already in production.
An insider told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the industry wide plan, known by its code name ‘Double Whammy’:
There are only so many remakes available because of the quickly vanishing seam of old films that were any good. We’re also doing TV shows and toys, games and comic books and films that weren’t particularly good, naturally, but even so sometimes there’s a gap in the schedule and some bullshit like Wolf of Wall Street or 12 Years a Slave slips through.
The plan looks to double the number of films that can be remade by remaking films which are already in the process of being remade:
We got the idea from the Amazing Spider-Man series at Sony. It works like this. Private Benjamin is currently being prepped with Rebel Wilson. Well, we’re going to piggy back the production with a remake of that version but starring Kate Hudson and we’re going to put it out in a year or so after the release. Ditto Point Break. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles already has a prequel in the works.
The Blog-o-sphere has been divided by the news with the Geek-o-verse jizzing while people who like films redrafting suicide notes from 1987, before realizing the awful irony.
Private Benjamin and Point Break will be released in 2015 to be followed in 2016 by The Amazing Private Benjamin and Point Amazing Break.
HOLLYWOOD – As the whole world holds their collective breath in anticipation of the Michael Bay produced and Jonathan Liebesman directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this Summer, news is already leaking of a prequel planned for next year: Pre-Teen Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Liebesman, who is slated to start directing the new film as soon as the first movie wraps, had this to say:
The new film will be an origin tale that will fill in the backstory of everyone’s favorite greenies. With the film we’re finishing up now, we’ve gone very dark. There’s a lot of stuff about needing heroes and some metaphysical stuff we put in there, all of which will go over the heads of many younger members of the audience. So we’re going to take out the subtlety and the philosophy (a lot of which we lifted straight from Schopenhauer), completely eliminate the Swedish dialogue and we’re going to add some really dumbed down humor and a couple of explosions and we’re good to go. Oh and the next film will be in color.
PTMNT will show how Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo grew up, getting into mischief in the sewers of New York until they are recruited and guided by Splinter. Zac Efron (Donatello) said that the new film will be ‘much lighter. Nowhere near as serious as TMNT.’
Pre-Teen Mutant Ninja Turtles will be released August, 2015.