MARK WAHLBERG ‘BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD’ ACCORDING TO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.

Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.

It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.

But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?

Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.

In that it’s shit.

Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’

But The Happening?

Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.

I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?

Money.

Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.

SETH MACFARLANE ADDRESSES UN ON BOOBS

NEW YORK – Following a rousing feminist speech last month by Emma Watson on the role of women in society, Seth MacFarlane also received an opportunity to address the UN and chose to use his role as Good Will Ambassador to launch an impassioned plea to joke about and ogle women’s breasts.

The writer and director of Ted and Family Guy told a packed session of the General Assembly:

Yeah, I’m into feminism and all that. Sure! Equal rights? That’s cool. I’m a liberal guy. Especially, if by liberal, you mean someone who likes to get stoned often and look at women’s breasts. Ha ha! No but really. I’d like to test those Bechdels. Ha! I mean are you with me, fellas? I know my man Ban-ki Moon is! You see comedy has come a long way since the good old days where you can joke about your mother-in-law. Everyone’s a feminist! Take Beyonce. I mean please, take Beyonce, ah ha, yeah.

[SILENCE]

Erm. It’s like when I did that song at the Oscars about wanting to see the tits of all of those actresses, even Jodie Foster’s in The Accused and that was during a – ahem – rape scene.

[Loud protests from the Scandinavian countries]

But I got away with it, because I’m being IRONIC! Like when I’m mildly racist in Ted. Irony. That’s the only way to beat ISIS. That’s what beat Hitler. And that’s what brings the world peace and feeds the hungry. Well, you’ve been a great General Assembly. Try the veal.

[DROWNED OUT BY BOOS]

In response to the angry protests by many member states, Ban-ki Moon apologized for inviting Mr. MacFarlane to address the assembly, saying that ‘We all got stoned last night and thought it would be a totally crazy idea. I now see that was wrong.’

Ted 2: the Rwanda Years will be released in 2015.

TED 2: SETH MACFARLANE PROMISES RACISM

BOSTON – Seth MacFarlane announced today that Ted 2: Ted’s Kampf would be even more racist than his Fox show Dads

“Racism is the new rock and roll,” MacFarlane told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY this morning: 

I broke down barriers with Family Guy, single-handedly destroying political correctness with my cartoon toilet humor outrageousness. Then when I did the Oscars, cultural elitism was kept at bay when I sang a song about seeing women’s tits that even included the rape scene in The Accused. Ha ha ha ha! In Dads, we’ve been laughing at the orientals, or whatever name you’re supposed to call them now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! So in Ted 2 we’re going balls out. Balls out!? Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What can we expect to see?

Everyone is going to get it: Jews, black people, orientals again, of all types. Errrrrr. Mexicans. Arabs. Ted puts them all in special camps when he becomes President by accidentally assassinating the black guy by basketball. Mark Wahlberg read the script and said “Really Seth? Are concentration camps funny?” I told him, I can make you funny, Marky, I can make anything funny.

Is there a limit to what you would joke about?

White guys from Boston have a hard enough time without people picking on them, but no, other than that, probably not.  

 Ted 2: Ted’s Kampf is out Passover, 2015.  

STUDIO EXEC TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR



HOLLYWOOD – As the year draws to a close Studio Exec gives his unbelievably brilliant Top Ten of the top ten films of the cinema movie year:

  1. The Avengers: is my number one movie of 2013. It’s witty and action packed, stuffed with special effects and loads of possibilities for ancillary sales and sequel rights. It might cost a fair bag of coin to make but flipside, we’ll be making other spin-offs with the least expenditure of original thought. And it made $623,357,910.
  2. The Dark Knight Rises: satisfying end to a movie trilogy that convinced even the most hardened cynics that Christopher Nolan is a great director of Puccini operas. In fact, for all the nit-picking about the film many people seemed to forget that the actual original idea was complete hogwash before Nolan made it convincing. Plus it made $448,139,099.
  3. The Hunger Games: showed young girls kicking ass in an intelligent piece of dystopian entertainment, which grossed $408,010,692.
  4. Skyfall: Bond came back and blew everybody away with bangs, bullets and Bardem, not to mention a billion worldwide but domestically $289,600,000.
  5. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: If only because it means we won’t have to put up with any more Twilight films plus it made $286,130,000.
  6. The Amazing Spiderman: gets especial kudos for being so original even the fans were saying ‘another Spiderman? Really?’ The film was boring and nonsensical and absolutely pointless, but it made $262,030,663.
  7. Brave: was shit but it made $237,246,988.
  8. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: was a flaccid waste of everyone’s time and there’s more to come. Having made $222,703,000, who am I to ask for originality, brevity, some sense of innovation!?
  9. Ted: managed the miracle of having many people use the words Mark Wahlberg and good film in the same sentence without a negative particle. It also made $218,665,740.
  10. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted: I didn’t even see this (after all why would I?) but it did make $216,391,482, coincidentally the 10th biggest box office of the year. 

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN TRANSFORMERS 4

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg – one of the best associate or executive producers currently working in the business – has shocked colleagues by moving in front of the camera to act in Michael Bay’s forthcoming Transformers 4.

However, it has come to light that Mr. Wahlberg is not a stranger to the limelight, having actually secretly acted in a number of films in the past. Apparently Wahlberg was in a film called Ted in which he was stood next to a teddy bear and he was also in The Fighter (according to sources) standing near Christian Bale. Some wild eyed madmen have even argued that he played the fighter of the title, but surely … was that … was there a fighter? I can’t. Scientist Johnny Harridan explains:

Mr Wahlberg is indeed an actor and has appeared in a number of films but he has a condition which is called IAS: Inductive Amnesia Syndrome. We see him and our eyes see that we see him but something goes wrong with the memory and the brain communication and we forget that we saw him. Like women forget the pain of childbirth. 

Film Critic Sorohan Shanks was less forgiving:

It’s like they taken a huge bucket filled with liquid turd and they just ladled in a bit more turd.