BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR IS CARLY FIORINA

HOLLYWOOD – Carly Fiorina admits that she is the ‘Becky with the good hair’ referenced in Beyonce’s new album Lemonade.

Following the release of Beyonce’s video album Lemonade speculation has been rife as to the identity of ‘Becky with the good hair’ referenced on one of the tracks. Many in the Beyhive believed that the song was a snipe at ‘Shake It Off’ diva Taylor Swift but it has been revealed that Ted Cruz’s vice-presidential pick Carly Fiorina is actually the target.

None other than Carly Fiorina herself made the revelation EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I was very good friends with Beyonce for a long time following my experience at Hewlett Packard where I became famous for firing people with a real panache. We would hang around a lot in the nightclubs after hours and Jay Z would sometimes come round and he would always say ‘wow Becky what great hair you have’, and I’d say, ‘but my name isn’t Becky’ and he would get flustered because he’d see that Beyonce had heard everything so he would make up a lame excuse like ‘No, I was talking to Becky, the waitress. She has really nice hair’. She did have really nice hair as it happened and her name was Becky and I think her and Jay Z had a thing later on, but Beyonce knew that he was really talking to me and the last I saw of the two of them they were heading into an elevator with Beyonce’s sister. She never called again after that.

Beyonce has not commented on the rumors, but Carly Fiorina has declared that Becky with the good hair will soon be the Vice President of the United States of America.

More on this story as it comes in.

MADONNA AND BOB DYLAN TAKEN INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

HOLLYWOOD – Pops legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody it was revealed today.

The two musical legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody in a secret medical facility, the White House said, following the death yesterday of Prince. A spokesperson for the White House told the Studio Exec:

We just can’t risk it. We picked them up last night and we took them to a secret location where they will have twenty-four hour care and monitoring. There are also recording studios attached and writing materials in case Mr. Dylan wants to continue that wonderful autobiography of his. We’re going to keep them until January, 2017 if necessary.

The move received bipartisan support with the exception coming from Ted Cruz who, speaking from 1956, said that ‘pop music was the work of the devil’.

More on this story as it comes in.

DONALD TRUMP AND TED CRUZ TO STAR IN SWINGERS COMEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Ted Cruz and Donald Trump plus their spouses are to star in a remake of classic swingers comedy Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.

With the Republican primary kicking up some of the highest figures in TV debate history, it’s no surprise that Hollywood has come a calling. Although many were talking about a superhero franchise, the word has come down that Donald is a huge fan of Paul Mazursky’s 1969 swingers comedy Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.

A studio insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We thought it would be challenging to get the candidates to agree to appear in a movie which involves wife swapping, but it turns out they were peachy keen! We thought it wouldn’t be presidential but apparently that boat sailed a long time ago.

The official synopsis reads:

Melania and Donald Trump are a happily married couple until Donald decides to run for president. He thinks that it will fill a hole in his life, but in reality it is just more frustrating and boring than his life already is. The only pleasure he gets from it is socializing with arch-rival Ted Cruz and his wife Heidi. Entering the final convention with no clear winner, deliberations take a turn for the kinky when the candidates and their wives decide to have an orgy. This remake of a classic tale of contemporary sexual mores will take on a new relevance as they do to each other what they’ve all done to the American democracy.

Don & Heidi & Ted & Melania will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SEAN PENN AND LOUIS CK DENOUNCE LARRY VAUGHN

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood liberals Sean Penn and Louis CK have decided that the time to speak up is upon us and have set about savaging Larry Vaughn, the former mayor of Amity who is currently the front runner in the race for the Republican nomination.

A ferocious week of attacks on Larry Vaughn appeared to loosen his grip on the Republican presidential race on “Super Saturday”, with his rival for the Republican nomination, conservative champion, Ted Cruz winning convincingly in the Republican caucus in Kansas. Cruz also won by a similar margin in Maine, before Vaughn underlined his national advantage with victories in Louisiana and Kentucky. This comes in the wake of stinging attacks from many quarters of his own party and the liberal media.

Sean Penn in an interview for Chapeau said that a Vaughn presidency would be a disaster:

This is the man who opened the beaches, knowing full well that a predator, a great white shark was hunting in the region. This reckless endangerment of lives would be multiplied if he were to be placed in the position of running the country.

Louis CK wrote a letter to his fans and in his trademark wry manner asked them to vote for anyone but Vaughn:

Do you want the man who oversaw the 1977 shark attacks to be the man carrying the nuclear codes. I mean look at the record. There was no way those injuries were consistent with a boating accident. And he knew that.

The Vaughn juggernaut however continues to plough on and the chances of stopping him are becoming increasingly slim.

For more political news on the progress of Larry Vaughn’s Presidential Bid CLICK HERE.

PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKS TO SEE DONALD TRUMP’S DICK CERTIFICATE

WASHINGTON – In an unprecendented intervention in the Republican nomination primaries, President Barack Obama has asked to see Donald Trump’s dick certificate.

The call came from the White House following the last Republican debate in which the ex-reality star Donald Trump seemed to imply that his penis was of normal size or perhaps a little larger.

The President however, apparently stung by Trump’s insistence on seeing Barack Obama’s birth certificate, replied that it wasn’t enough for Mr. Trump to assert that he has a normal or slightly larger than normal schlong.

I think, and I believe the American people would agree with me, that the next Commander in Chief must be as good as his or her word. If they make a claim that is easily verifiable then that must be verified. If Hillary Clinton has to publish her emails and I have to produce my birth certificate, then it is only right that Mr. Trump produce evidence – a dick certificate if you will – that he has it where it counts.

Mr. Trump has failed to respond but a hashtag trending on Twitter calls for the mogul to whip it out. Ted Cruz replied that size wasn’t important and Marco Rubio has suggested that they all wear no trousers to the next debate, saying that ‘he believed in complete transparency’.

ARE REPUBLICAN DEBATES THE NEW TORTURE PORN?

WASHINGTON – Watching the last Republican Debate, The Studio Exec asked himself, sourly under his breath if they have now become the equivalent of torture porn.

Televised political debate in America has rarely looked like a subgenre of horror but the Republican debates are increasingly resembling some steamy mess that Eli Roth would concoct. Starting in August 2015 when ten presidential candidates put themselves forward for the Republican Party nomination the similarities have become uncanny.

First of all there’s that number. Ten candidates in the first debate. With another seven relegated to a shameful mini-debate. It was more like a later entry in the Final Destination franchise than a political line up. We just knew that some of these guys were only in it for the imaginative if implausible kill somewhere further down the line. And we also knew that as with The Green Inferno and Hostel it would be the ones who weren’t complete assholes that would be killed first. The second debate weirdly had more people rather than less though – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, and Scott Walker – but surely this was the calm before the storm. It wasn’t until the fourth debate that we began to get the numbers down, but that was only because the debate was held in Milwaukee and who wants to go there?

Then there was the content of the debate. The racism and the xenophobia, the promises to torture and to bomb, the sexism and the negativity, pyramids full of grain, snuff videos of babies limbs being harvested while they were still alive on the table, Megyn Kelly being shamed like Sissy Spacek in the first scene of Carrie.

Then there’s Ted Cruz who is essentially a cross between Grandpa Munster, the Zodiac killer and Damien from The Omen: The Final Conflict. Marco Rubio malfunctioned like one of the Westworld robots but in this version he shot himself in the foot and Donald Trump…

What can be said about Donald Trump that already hasn’t been said? He was invented by North Korea to show that although they have a mad dictator we are actually choosing Trump!  John Kasich is the only one among them that looks like he doesn’t have someone in the cellar waiting for a basket to lower the lotion.

However, the true horror is that this is all real. The victims have turned out not to be the contenders, but the country. I don’t want any of these people to win (that much should be obvious). And there have been voices celebrating a Trump nomination as essentially guaranteeing the White House for whoever will face him. But there are two problems with this analysis. One, your ideas improve if you have some quality opposing you. It sharpens your wit, and hell who knows, they might actually have some good ideas that you can take and use, even benefit from. Richard Nixon might have been the duplicitous shit bag that he was but he was strong on the environment and his rapprochement with China was a necessary step.  And two. They might win. They very much could win. The minute that the GOP sees that it is going to have to swallow a nomination, watch how Trump will tone down and think pieces will begin to appear about how Presidential he has begun to sound. Jesus Christ, I read three of them following his victories on Super Tuesday.

Fortunately, unlike Hostel, an election is an interactive experience. You can get out of your chair and pull a lever. A lever that might stop the torture that one of the candidates is actually proposing. And if you don’t pull that lever. Someone else will.

LARRY VAUGHN WINS BIG ON SUPER TUESDAY

WASHINGTON – Former Amity Major Larry Vaughn looks to have his hands on the GOP Presidential nomination following a strong performance on Super Tuesday.

Despite having come into the Presidential nomination race late, Larry Vaughn has gone from novelty to likely candidate, having won big on Super Tuesday. Following his win in Nevada, Vaughn has taken seven of the eleven states up for grabs tonight. Winning big in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Vermont and Virginia, Vaughn is also expected to take Alaska. Rival Ted Cruz won home state of Texas while Hillary Clinton swept the South, strengthening her claim to be the Democrat nominee.

In a victory speech in Georgia, Vaughn repeated his campaign promises to build a coastal wall against shark attacks, introduce karate chopping proof fences and hang offenders up ‘by their Buster Browns!’ Despite having had a tough week in the press with high profile critic oceanographer Matt Hooper once more attacking him, Vaughn’s optimism and breezy style seems to have captured the enthusiasm of the Republican base. He told cheering fans:

We are going to the White House. We are going to be the next President of the United States of America. We are not going to let that Kintner boy spill out all over the dock!

For more on Vaughn 2016, CLICK HERE.

ZODIAC 2 ‘WILL FEATURE TED CRUZ’ SAYS FINCHER

HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher has said that Zodiac 2, due to start filming in April, will feature Presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

David Fincher announced today that his long mooted sequel to his 2007 movie Zodiac will feature Ted Cruz ‘in some shape or form’. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Fincher outlined the approach of his new film about the mysterious serial killer who terrorized the San Franscico area in the late sixties and early seventies.

Everyone liked Zodiac I think and we had some very positive feedback from both critics and audiences, but the one thing that came up again and again was that the film didn’t really have an ending. It wasn’t exactly our fault. After all the police never found out definitively who the Zodiac killer once and although we tried our hardest to give the film a sense of closure it would have been too much to have actually invented an ending. But now with new information we feel that we can say with more or less certainty who the Zodiac killer might actually have been. Or be.

Wow. Tell us more.

Our film will go back to the original crimes and instead of seeing the investigation therough the eyes of Robert Greysmith, played by Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie and the detective Dave Toschi, played by Mark Ruffalo, we’re going to take the whole case from th epoint of view of the actual killer. We’ll also show why he stopped and how that coincided with the political rise of Ted Cruz.

So you’re saying that Ted Cruz is actually…

Hey, you’ll have to buy a ticket like everyone else, SE!

Zodiac will be released in 2017.

STUDIO EXEC ENDORSES LARRY VAUGHN FOR PRESIDENT

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has announced that following his win in Nevada, Larry Vaughn is the only Presidential candidate who can take this country back.

The Studio Exec has largely tried to stay above the political fray that is currently sweeping our great nation. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on the part of the Democrats and Donald Trump, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz on the part of the GOP have been locked in endless coil, littering our newspapers and the internet with copious amounts of entertainment: none of it amusing, some of it scary. His surprise triumph in the Republican Primaries in Nevada has seen previously little known mayor Larry Vaughn thrust into the national limelight. And the Studio Exec has decided.

Only Larry can save this country and keep the beaches open. After all, Larry is a friend of business – more so perhaps than Donald Trump. He has a good relationship with law enforcement, able to control the law and make sure that it does his bidding. He has a good rapport also with the locals. If you need a shark fisherman, Larry knows where to go, or at least he used to. The last one died. Larry Vaughn isn’t exactly a man you can trust, but he is a politician and I’d rather have a politician run the country than a fictional character like Donald Trump.

I will be wielding the considerable power of The Studio Exec media empire and placing it at Larry’s disposal.

After all, his kids were on that beach too.

If you want to support Larry Vaughn for President, join the conversation in the comments box below.

For more political news on the progress of Larry Vaughn’s Presidential Bid CLICK HERE.