HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.
Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.
It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.
But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?
Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.
In that it’s shit.
Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’
But The Happening?
Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.
I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?
Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.
HOLLYWOOD – Summer is here and the time is right for Movie Sequels We Really Don’t Give a Sh*t About, not even a little bit.
The Studio Exec FACT squad have been hanging around the SE Bungalow looking a bit grim of late so we sent them out on a recon mission to find the 5 most m’eh sequels that we can’t be bothered to even look up on IMDb.
1. Ted 2. It’s Seth (A Million Ways to Die in the West) MacFarlane and Mark (The Happening, Transformers 4, Pain and Gain, The Gambler…) Wahlberg. What could possibly go funny?
2. Hotel Transylvania 2. Hotel Transylvania might have been a harmless kids movie, but anything that puts money in Adam Sandler’s pocket is evil and needs to be discouraged.
3. Mission Impossible 5. We all saw the pictures of Tom Cruise clinging to the side of a military plane as it ACTUALLY took off, and now in the trailer we see the sequence as he ACTUALLY clings to the side of the plane during the ACTUAL take off. But the only thing that could get us excited about this tired franchise is if Tom Cruise ACTUALLY fell off the plane.
4. Magic Mike XXL. Steven Soderbergh’s Magic Mike was surprisingly good. This might be good as well. And I’ll be surprised.
5. London Has Fallen. Sequels are usually for people who saw the original and liked it and want to see more. Few people saw Olympus Has Fallen. Those who did didn’t like it. So the biggest excitement that London Has Fallen can hope for, is to see who will unwittingly wander into the movie theater by chance. The film itself will be silly tripe.
For more FACTS click HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.
Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.
Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.
I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.
But why Mark? Why?
Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.
Why don’t you just try and make a good film?
I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.
That’s not going to happen.
Then I’m going to keep at it.
Why are you doing this?
Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?
Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.
NEW YORK – Following a rousing feminist speech last month by Emma Watson on the role of women in society, Seth MacFarlane also received an opportunity to address the UN and chose to use his role as Good Will Ambassador to launch an impassioned plea to joke about and ogle women’s breasts.
The writer and director of Ted and Family Guy told a packed session of the General Assembly:
Yeah, I’m into feminism and all that. Sure! Equal rights? That’s cool. I’m a liberal guy. Especially, if by liberal, you mean someone who likes to get stoned often and look at women’s breasts. Ha ha! No but really. I’d like to test those Bechdels. Ha! I mean are you with me, fellas? I know my man Ban-ki Moon is! You see comedy has come a long way since the good old days where you can joke about your mother-in-law. Everyone’s a feminist! Take Beyonce. I mean please, take Beyonce, ah ha, yeah.
Erm. It’s like when I did that song at the Oscars about wanting to see the tits of all of those actresses, even Jodie Foster’s in The Accused and that was during a – ahem – rape scene.
[Loud protests from the Scandinavian countries]
But I got away with it, because I’m being IRONIC! Like when I’m mildly racist in Ted. Irony. That’s the only way to beat ISIS. That’s what beat Hitler. And that’s what brings the world peace and feeds the hungry. Well, you’ve been a great General Assembly. Try the veal.
[DROWNED OUT BY BOOS]
In response to the angry protests by many member states, Ban-ki Moon apologized for inviting Mr. MacFarlane to address the assembly, saying that ‘We all got stoned last night and thought it would be a totally crazy idea. I now see that was wrong.’
Ted 2: the Rwanda Years will be released in 2015.
BOSTON – Seth MacFarlane announced today that Ted 2: Ted’s Kampf would be even more racist than his Fox show Dads.
“Racism is the new rock and roll,” MacFarlane told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY this morning:
I broke down barriers with Family Guy, single-handedly destroying political correctness with my cartoon toilet humor outrageousness. Then when I did the Oscars, cultural elitism was kept at bay when I sang a song about seeing women’s tits that even included the rape scene in The Accused. Ha ha ha ha! In Dads, we’ve been laughing at the orientals, or whatever name you’re supposed to call them now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! So in Ted 2 we’re going balls out. Balls out!? Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What can we expect to see?
Everyone is going to get it: Jews, black people, orientals again, of all types. Errrrrr. Mexicans. Arabs. Ted puts them all in special camps when he becomes President by accidentally assassinating the black guy by basketball. Mark Wahlberg read the script and said “Really Seth? Are concentration camps funny?” I told him, I can make you funny, Marky, I can make anything funny.
Is there a limit to what you would joke about?
White guys from Boston have a hard enough time without people picking on them, but no, other than that, probably not.
Ted 2: Ted’s Kampf is out Passover, 2015.