TOM HIDDLESTON AND TAYLOR SWIFT REUNITE FOR SISTERS OF MERCY BIOPIC

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift are teaming up to play Andrew Eldritch and Patricia Morrison in a new movie about the Sisters of Mercy.

Although no longer a romantic couple, Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift will be appearing again in a new film, directed by Duncan Jones. This Corrosion tells the story of iconic goth band The Sisters of Mercy. Andrew Eldritch formed the band in the 80s in Leeds, England and had a break out international success with the album Floodland in 1987.

Hiddleston told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve always been a huge fan of The Sisters of Mercy. Especially First and Last and Always. So I jumped at the chance to make the film. I’d already played a musician with Hank Williams in I Saw the Light, so it was not difficult to get back into it again. I read the script while I was still seeing Taylor and it was natural that we look for something to work together on. She wanted to play Patricia and so that’s what is going to happen. We’re both pros so I don’t see there being any difficulty. And anyway, the relationship between Andrew and Patricia was also quite difficult so that can just feed into it.

Duncan Jones was equally sanguine about bringing Hiddleswift back together:

Tom is a great actor. And Taylor is supremely talented. I’m sure if we have any difficulty we can just ‘shake it off’. Ha ha.

This Corrosion will be released in 2022.

TAYLOR SWIFT TO STAR AS MADONNA IN BLOND AMBITION

HOLLYWOOD – Taylor Swift has signed on to play young Madonna in a new movie: Blond Ambition.

Madonna as a young woman making her way in New York is the subject of a new movie, starring Taylor Swift. Ms. Swift’s first movie role will portray a young pre-fame Madonna, struggling to find her place in New York. The singer/actress spoke with the Studio Exec earlier today:

I’ve always admired Maddy. Let me Begin Again. Madonna and I are great friends. She’s an inspiration, a White Horse and never in my Wildest Dreams did I think I’d get this chance to tell her story. You have to go Back to December, for when I read the script. I read it Fifteen times. I couldn’t Shake It Off. The idea. So I said to the script: ‘You Belong to Me’.

Wait a second aren’t you just…

 I’ve always felt like a bit of a Blank Space when I was growing up, people were Mean, I even wept Teardrops on my Guitar, but Madonna made me feel Safe and Sound.

You’re just quoting your own song titles. 

Am I?

Yes. With scant relevance to this important news item.

Sorry. I’m sorry. What did you want to ask?

What appealed to you about the story?

It’s the Story of Us, isn’t it?

Blond Ambition will be released in 2018.

KUBRICK’S DAUGHTER DENIES DIRECTOR’S INVOLVEMENT IN HIDDLESWIFT

LONDON – Stanley Kubrick’s daughter has denied that her father had any involvement with the Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston romance known popularly as Hiddleswift.

Using her twitter account Vivian Kubrick put to rest the conspiracy theories that claim the late director Stanley Kubrick faked Hiddleswift, the love affair between singer Taylor Swift and actor Tom Hiddleston.

My father was devoted to artistic integrity. Again and again in his motion pictures you can see that he was a keen observer of reality with a finely tuned moral and social conscience. So the idea that he could somehow be involved in faking a tawdry celebrity romance is absolutely preposterous.

However, Gianni Carmichael, author of the book Kubrick Did Everything, argues that Vivian Kubrick’s denial is in fact proof that Kubrick is involved.kubrick

He says:

What is the most compelling argument for Kubrick not being behind Hiddleswift? The most obvious? Surely, it’s that first of all Stanley Kubrick ‘died’ in 1999. And yet in her statement, his daughter doesn’t even allude to that. Surely that’s the slam dunk. Now, why is that?

I don’t know.

Well, it’s simple, isn’t it? He didn’t die in 1999. He’s a live today and he’s spending his time in a bunker somewhere in the Surrey countryside faking celebrity romances and filming news clips that will be shown as if there really is a space probe called Juno going around a planet, supposedly called ‘Jupiter.

Hiddleswift: The Animated Series will drop on Nickelodeon later this year.

TAYLOR SWIFT OKAY WITH TOM HIDDLESTON’S SWAN KILLING PAST

HOLLYWOOD – ‘I don’t care if he killed a swan,’ says Taylor Swift, defending her new love Tom Hiddleston.

The whiz-bang romance of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hit a small bump in the road when the pop singer had to confront the fact of Tom Hiddleston’s record of swan killing. Although the event occurred several years ago, Hiddleston has been branded a swan murderer – perhaps the most heinous of crimes – in his native Britain and has been unable to return to the ‘Sceptred Isle’ except to pick up some stuff or drop in for a cup of tea (but no biscuits). Swift opened up about her lover’s dark history (click here for the details) EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I know people said to me, don’t get involved with a swan murderer. They said once someone has the taste of swan murder in their mouth they never let it go. But I think that people exaggerate this stuff. They’re always trying to get between you and what is good. After all, haters gonna hate, hate, …

Yes, but it must affect you.

If he’d you know killed the swan violently, yes it would, but he just kind of drowned it peacefully. And Tom told me the swan was in a lot of pain.

The swan was fine, just swimming and he kicked its head off. 

Well, yeah maybe. But are you sure that it wasn’t the swan’s fault?

What do you mean?

Well, maybe as Tom was trying to help the swan and the swan started to thrash around and its head came off.

You mean to say the swan…

Shook it off. Yes.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston will be appearing in Las Vegas, August.

KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

KANYE WEST REACHES OUT TO THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has tweeted what many are interpreting as a cry for help directly to the Studio Exec Twitter account.

It’s been a tough week for Kanye West. Begging Tweets to Mark Zuckerberg, there’s talk about Son of Pablo being a bit m’eh, and finally not interrupting Taylor Swift at the Grammys, which now looks like a bad move given her passive aggressive motivational speech. So of course the Studio Exec has had some fun on his behalf as well, spreading joy in the world and making everyone happy and full of life-affirming joy.

But now Kanye has sent a tweet specifically calling the Exec out and pleading with us to peace up. Now, the Exec might be one of the most acerbic, satiric, hilarious, popular, hugely endowed, creative, imaginative, sexually athletic… I’ve lost my point. Anyway, Kanye, you called, we answered. We will hold off the satiric dogs until you get your house in order. On top of that, we’re also sending you a Postal Order for $37. I hope this helps.  If you don’t need to use it straight away, you can put it in your war chest for your presidential election campaign. We have coupons as well.

Another tweet from his account referenced a story we did some time ago.

kanye west

 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

 

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS

MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.

Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.

So what did you do?

Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.

How so?

Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of  sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.

And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?

At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.

However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’

For more  music news CLICK HERE.

TAYLOR SWIFT SONG LINKED TO RISE IN GANG VIOLENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The release of a new Taylor Swift song ‘Shake it Off!’ has been linked to a sharp peak in gang violence this weekend.

Commentators have pinned the blame on the songstress and VMA winner for a number of drive bys and shootings and police have issued a warning to the singer, asking her to refrain from music ‘if at all possible’.

Cultural commentator and sociologist Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

I don’t know what it is about Ms. Swift’s sound, but the moment a new record of hers hits the ‘streets’ the next sound heard is the unloading of Uzis and Glocks and the screaming and crying of the wounded and dying. It could be that she speaks to the black experience like no other, because she herself is not black; is in fact as white as it is possible to be. Maybe it’s because her heart rending vulnerability adds tenderness to what is otherwise a brutal existence. As she sings, ‘players gonna play play play play, haters gonna hate hate hate hate’.

What has made Shake It Off a particularly incendiary mix is the music video which accompanies the song and has the country singer dressed as a gang member amidst twerking dancers.

Spike Lee didn’t watch the video and so was immediately available for comment:

It’s an obviously insulting appropriation of black culture for racist ends. What is so disgusting though is that so many brothers love the Swift and are willing to go to war with rival gangs whenever she has a song out.

When Kanye West interrupted her acceptance speech at the VMAs in 2009, LA exploded in rioting and Kanye West’s home and record company was burned to the ground.

Hopefully this year’s VMAs will pass without incident, but chances are more than a few gunshot victims won’t be able to ‘shake it off’!

BEAUTIFUL RICH YOUNG WOMEN ‘NOT FEMINISTS’ SHOCK

 HOLLYWOOD – Lana Del Ray, Shailene Woodley, Taylor Swift and Kirsten Dunst are not feminists and have taken the radically brave position of standing up for the status quo, ‘because patriarchy works for all of us and not just men who feminists – if they had their way – would almost certainly kill, or something’.

The movement against feminism taken by privileged rich women should be applauded. Kirsten Dunst has come out as a pioneer for those women who wish to go back to the Fourteenth Century to enjoy the benefits of death in childbirth and droit du seigneur:

Sometimes, you need your knight in shining armor. You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That’s why relationships work.

Asked if she was a feminist, Divergent actor Shailene Woodley diverged from the Femi-Nazi-ist position:

No, because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance … And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.

Here she joins the vast majority of men who also would like a fine balance with women cleaning lavatories and being sexy while the male takes care of the football watching and porn. Taylor Swift remarked: 

I don’t really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life.

Lana Del Rey said the whole thing was a snore bore, compared to intergalactic politics which nowadays are much more pressing than female circumcision, reproduction rights, the terrifying incidents of rape around the world, income parity and domestic violence: 

For me, the issue of feminism is just not an interesting concept. I’m more interested in, you know, SpaceX and Tesla, what’s going to happen with our intergalactic possibilities. Whenever people bring up feminism, I’m like, god. I’m just not really that interested. My idea of a true feminist is a woman who feels free enough to do whatever she wants.

You can almost hear Sylvia Pankhurst shouting ‘You go girl!’ as she spins energetically in her grave.