HOLLYWOOD – Danny DeVito has been named the most famous man in the world, according to a recent poll.
Danny DeVito is officially the most famous person in the world. The poll was conducted by the Kevin Pollak Society and took in the largest number of respondents and the most geographically dispersed of any poll known to man. People were polled in places as far afield as Iceland, Afghanistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and San Marino as well as every country in Europe and the American continent. The figures were overwhelming with Kevin Pollak himself announcing the results from his headquarters in New Jersey:
I’m very happy for Danny. He won by a huge margin. The next nearest person was Martin Sheen but he was way down the field. The most famous woman was revealed to be Alison Brie from Community and Mad Men.
Danny DeVito first came to fame in the TV show Taxi. He has had a highly successful career as a film actor, starring in such hits as Romancing the Stone and Throw Momma from the Train. He moved into directing with Hoffa and has recently moved back to television with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
The poll, which tested facial and name recognition, was based on science.
LONDON – Gandalf, Magneto star and occasional actor, Sir Ian McKellen has angrily denied that he is Andy Kaufman (For the original story click here). ‘For a start I’m about ten years too old,’ yelled the Thespian.
He went on to remark:
I know what you arseholes are up to. You’re just spreading rumors and fake news to get cheap laughs. You’re a bunch of parasitical bum cracks.
SIR Ian! You jumped up little turd. I’m a respected f*cking theatre actor, I’ve played Lear, I’ve played Richard the Third, I was in Apt Pupil. I’m not the funny immigrant from Taxi, you twat!
Keep your hair on, Gandalf.
Oh you want to dance, fart face? Is that what this is? You are in dangerous territory. Already Patrick Stewart was like, let’s just go and stomp their bullshit faces to hummus, let’s just tear them new effluent holes, but I was like we’re respected men of the theatre and the X-Men universe, Patrick, some decorum. He was in Dune, you shit stain!
Okay, we’re sorry. If you want we’ll print a denial.
So you’re not Andy Kaufman?
No. Well… Not legally.
What do you mean ‘legally’?
What? No! The line is breaking up… sorry. I’ll call back.
The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug will be amongst us Xmas-y.
HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was in tatters last night as it was revealed that Andy Kaufman had in fact faked his death and had been living ever since under the assumed name Sir Ian McKellen as part of an elaborate prank.
Kaufman’s death in 1984 from cancer was reported and widely believed though rumors that he might have staged his death were even referenced in the Milos Forman biopic starring Jim Carrey Man in the Moon. A few months later Ian McKellen, a previously unheard of actor, stepped for the first time onto a stage in London’s West End and took the world of acting by storm. His meteoric rise took many by surprise including Shakespearean scholar Jonathan Tate:
McKellen sprung forth from the very loins of theatre-dom fully formed. His Richard III, his Lear and later his Gandalf and Magneto were the product of a prodigious talent. Now we finally can see that this was actually Kaufman who had honed his acting chops on the set of Taxi!
IMDb are currently retrospectively reapportioning film credits over the next few days. When asked about his motivation for pretending to be the British thespian, Kaufman said:
I thought it would be funny. Then I just got carried away.
A director’s cut of Man in the Moon featuring a 3 hour long alternative ending will be released in 2014.