HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.
Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.
Paul Schrader Downs Facebook
After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.
Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.
Bringing Out The Shit
Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.
Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.
Hollywood – Disney today announced they have greenlit a James Gunn Kundun remake.
The Suicide Squad director will helm a remake of the Scorsese tale of the young Dalai Lama. With the James Gunn Kundun remake greenlit, The Guardians director promises it will be an all action CGI spectacular. The Exec sat down to talk remakes and Scorsese with Gunn.
How will your Kundun be different to the Scorsese version?
“What many people don’t know about the early life of the Dalai Lama, he was a hyper-violent vigilante. He would often dress up in a costume, sneak out of the monastery and fight crime.”
Was there much crime to fight in rural Tibet?
“Oh shit, yeah. There were gangs of psychopathic supervillains everywhere. But many of them had superpowers. Luckily, the Dalai Lama can fly with his rocket boots. So, many nights, he would put his Walkman on, listen to Bowie and fly around looking for criminals.”
That sounds a bit like Star Lord from Guardians?
“No. It’s completely and totally different. Honest.”
Who is playing the Dalai Lama?
“Chris Pratt. Because he has the right balance of physicality, spirituality and slapstick comedy chops. Michael Rooker will play the Chinese Government representative who shafts the Lama. But in this version, the Lama doesn’t go into exile. There’s gonna be a huge CGI fight between the two. Because Skyscrapers blowing up everywhere as they fly around in their laser-ships is true cinema.”
What do you think Martin Scorsese will make of this, given his recent comments?
“Marty? He wrote the fucking script! This was the story he originally wanted to tell but couldn’t get the funding. He wanted to film mid-air battles but the technology wasn’t available. People are making a whole thing about what Marty said. But it’s all misdirection, believe me. Taxi Driver would never have ended like that if he’d had a decent budget. Travis Bickle would have become a masked vigilante. Goodfellas would have had a running gun battle like Heat. It’s all bullshit.”
In our increasingly innumerate series of 47 films to see before death, we present Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy.
Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy is an amazing film. Decades before The Office made cringe comedy a recognizable form Scorsese’s film was up there. Robert De Niro plays Rupert Pupkin, a wannabe comedian who kidnaps a real life talk show host played Jerry, by Jerry Lewis with the help of deranged fan Sandra Bernhard. Before we get anywhere near that, Pupkin tries to waylay Jerry, diving into his car, preparing a comedy tape and stalking him in his office. All the while, he indulges in a fantasy life where Jerry is a great friend and it is Rupert who gets hassled in restaurants for his autograph.
De Niro has never been better, especially because this places him outside of the cool movie star image that roles in Godfather Part Two had placed him. Yes, Travis Bickle might be a dysfunctional psycho but he looks like De Niro and gets a date with Cybil Shepherd. Rupert is absolutely delusional but his naivety is also pitiable and human. He has a constant fund of optimism that persists no matter what the circumstances are. And the genius of the movie is that he isn’t a bad comedian. He’s actual got quite an astute line in observational comedy.
And his act isn’t an imitation of Jerry’s but there’s something in there that is painful and autobiographical. But that’s assuming the act we see at the end of the movie is not just another part of the delusion. Incidentally, I don’t think it is. This is why Rupert and the film insists on us watching it in a bar with other witnesses. Rupert needs to assure himself other people have seen it. The ultimate validation.
There are moments of comic genius. Sandra Bernhard’s hilarious nut job and her sweater she knits for Jerry. The home invasion Rupert perpetrates. The fan who upset at Jerry turns on a nickel from adoring to shouting ‘You should only get cancer’, suggested by Lewis himself and based on a real experience. And it is Jerry Lewis’ film also. Quietly, we get a portrait of an almost silent man, utterly alienated and lonely, twisted by the bitter need to stay top dog while utterly distrustful of his fans and everyone around him. The tragic irony is that Jerry seems a better person in Rupert’s fantasies as well. And even though he is in the position Rupert is aiming for, Jerry is utterly miserable.
Coming out in 1982, The King of Comedy flopped. The tag line – This is no laughing matter – exactly summed up the uncomfortable tragicomedy of embarrassment. It was a style no one was ready for yet. But its savage satire on celebrity culture seems more prescient with each passing year.
For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.
NEW YORK – Robert De Niro’s new film is the best in years and will make you forgive him for Dirty Grandpa and Meet the Fockers.
Grudge Match was awful, as was Meet the Fockers and a whole list of other woeful comedies. But this new film is equal to Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Godfather Part II, The Mission, Goodfellas. Welcome back Bobby. We missed you.
HOLLYWOOD – Veteran Hollywood actor Al Pacino is to join Robert de Niro for Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas according to a statement issued today.
Al Pacino and Robert de Niro have teamed up in the past: the generational drama of The Godfather Part 2 and the diner confrontation in Heat being particular highlights. However, they are set to break box office records with their new comic pairing Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas.
Al Pacino popped into the Studio Exec Jacuzzi Spa last night to give us the gist:
Any chance I get to work with Bob, I take it. I’ve always admired his work and our careers have taken some might say parallel paths, only occasionally meeting. When I saw Dirty Grandpa, I shouted ‘Whoa! Whoa! Hoo-har!’ because this was something I hadn’t seen for a while. Genuinely breaking new ground. People say Bob is sliding downhill, but it isn’t true, he’s looking around him at the culture and he’s making what he sees as the keystone of the culture. In the seventies that was Taxi Driver and Godfather Part 2, in the eighties it was Once Upon a Time in America and Raging Bull and now for the millennials he’s making Dirty Grandpa. If you don’t like it, don’t blame Bob. He’s just following the zeitgeist. As indeed am I.
Will you be joining him also in some David O. Russell films?
Please! Do I look absolutely desperate?
Zac Efron will also reprise his role as Jim, or Jason or whoever; and Dan Mazer will return to direct. John Phillips will once more be writing the ‘script’.
Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas will be released in 2018.
NEW YORK – At the Angelika theatre in New York, Shia LaBeouf has been joined by Robert de Niro to watch the rest of Shia LaBeouf’s movies back to back in a marathon.
Robert de Niro showed up at the Angelika theater today in New York today to join Shia LaBeouf in his marathon of Shia LaBeouf movies the #AllMyMovies event.
Mr. De Niro spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his participation in what is being billed as either the most interesting art project of the century or alternatively the moment the new millennium disappeared up its own asshole:
Shia LaBeouf is the most interesting actor of his generation and I am not going to just be a part of the project, I also want to actually see his Transformers trilogy again.
What fascinates you about Shia?
In a word his range. He has such an incredible range. Look at Bobby and then look at what he does in Fury. Or look at Disturbia and compare it to his role Nymphomaniac. And it isn’t only me, I don’t know a serious actor who doesn’t greatly esteem Shia. The new film that Daniel Day Lewis is making about Shia…
That’s still happening?
Oh absolutely, but you know Daniel. He wants to be absolutely perfect. Especially because it’s Shia. He is more committed to this than he ever was to Lincoln. And he loved Lincoln.
Is there anything you’d help Shia with in terms of his acting?
Are you kidding? I’m the one asking him advice. I wished he’d been there when I was making Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull. I’m sure he would have given me some good notes. I asked him the other day if he could help me with my recent performances. He said he’d seen The Intern. And he emailed me his reaction.
NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese is to follow up Boardwalk Empire with a new HBO mini-series based on perhaps his most critically acclaimed film: Taxi Driver.
Original script writer Paul Schrader has already been working on scripts, but Robert de Niro has said that he won’t return in the part of Travis Bickle.
‘I think it makes a lot more sense with a new young actor playing the part,’ said De Niro.
Scorsese says the show will be set in the seventies:
We’ve worked on various scenarios and we are combining them into a three season narrative arc. We’ll begin with Travis in Vietnam for the first season and we’ll find out what made him into who we see in the original film. Then the second season will be more or less the events of the film but stretched out and with some stand alone episode where Travis goes and fights crime and what not. I’m thinking something between First Blood and Death Wish. The final season will be a series of stand alone episodes telling us what happened to Travis. Spoiler alert: he becomes a private detective.
PARIS – This morning 11 am Paris time, the full line-up for the 68th Cannes Film Festival was announced, which will break with tradition by only featuring films made in the 1970s.
Outgoing president Thierry Frémaux said that usually the film festival shows exclusively new films:
The whole raison d’être of Cannes is to promote world cinema in its current form, but recently we’ve been looking around and it’s pitiful. So we decided in order to ensure ten days of creme de la creme cinema we thought why not use films that we know are good for sure.
The full list contains The Conversation, Chinatown, Deliverance, Taxi Driver, Barry Lyndon, Aguirre Wrath of God, Dog Day Afternoon, Days of Heaven, Le Cercle Rouge, Picnic at Hanging Rock, The Big Bus, Solaris and The Spy Who Loved Me.
Pierre Lescure, the new Cannes president, said that it was an exciting time for Cannes:
We’re really pleased to have such outstanding film-makers such as Stanley Kubrick and Terrence Malick included in this year’s competition. Hopefully one of the famous recluses will make a surprise appearance!
Defending the lack of women directors in the list, Lescure shrugged and blew air through his lips.
C’est la vie! It was the seventies.
Cannes will take place from the 13th to the 24th of May, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – High School Musical star Zac Efron is set to star as Travis Bickle in a remake of Martin Scorsese’s classic film Taxi Driver.
The talented 26 year old Bad Neighbors star told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he had been preparing for the role his whole career:
Robert de Niro in that film is the reason I became an actor. I’ve done my bes tover the years to try and breakout of the squeaky clean image and do something truly challenging. Now that I see de Niro isn’t really that interested in acting anymore, I’ve decided to go back through his career and remake his movies for a new younger audience.
Taxi Driver will mark Seth Rogen’s directorial debut.
‘If the film is a success and I truly believe it will be,’ said Rogen. ‘Then we’re also going to make Raging Bull and The Mission, all starring Zac who is mad keen on getting some respect.’
Robert de Niro, who is set to star opposite Zac Efron in new ‘comedy’ Dirty Grandpa, expressed his delight at the idea.
I look back on what me and Marty did in 1976 and I’m very proud, but it was 1976 and we didn’t have the CGI or the likes of Ben Stiller, so how good can it be, right? When Zac suggested he remake it today I was all for it. I’m sure he’ll knock me off the screen and maybe he can do a couple of songs as well. ‘Are you talking to me?’ would make a great solo number I believe.