QUENTIN TARANTINO CASTS SAMUEL L. JACKSON IN NEW STAR TREK MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Samuel L. Jackson joins Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie.

News is coming thick and fast about Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie. First he pitches the idea to Paramount and JJ Abrams. Now it looks like his cast is already firming up with Samuel L. Jackson beaming himself up. Quentin came over to the Studio Exec bungalow keen to chat EXCLUSIVELY to the team.

We’re so stoked about this project. Usually I make my own films up utterly. I mean everything. The plot, the characters, the shots, well not the shots, and some of the lines I take from other movies, and the plots and the characters. But other than that totally original. This will be the first time I enter a pre-existing franchise.

So what’s the idea?

Ah, you know me Exec. I ain’t gonna just spill the beans on this one. Usually that’s Michael Madsen’s job. Ha ha! No, but seriously I am a huge Star Trek fan. I woke up one morning and the idea was there. Boom. So I scribbled it down in the bright green crayon I use for my best ideas. And I was on the phone to Harvey. Shit. I mean I was on the phone to J.J. Abrams and he was as excited as I was. We got into so much that instead of saying goodbye I told him ‘May the Force Be with You’.

Because he’s making the Star Wars film.

What? Yeah, I guess. NO, we’re talking Star Trek now.

And Samuel L. Jackson?

He’s key. There’s going to be a reference to one of his earlier movies. In fact that’s where I got the idea from.

Tribbles on a Star Ship will be released in 2019.

STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ IS RYAN GOSLING’S FATHER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Hollywood was in tatters following the revelation that Ryan Gosling is actually twice-Oscar-winning German actor Christoph Waltz‘s ‘natural’ son.

‘It’s true,’ the Teutonic actor admitted. ‘Ish.’ Rumors have been rife for some time, but when some idiot typed the words ‘Christoph Waltz young’ into Google, they were shocked to find that the truth had been there all along.

Gosling, whose finest work was not in Gangster Squad, has decided to deny reality.

No my dad is Canadian. I’m not related in anyway to Mr. Waltz although I do admire his work.  I think we just look a little similar. Not really that much when it comes down to it. 

Chrisptoph Waltz – who was famous in his native Germany for having invented a dance – was spotted by Quentin Tarantino in the German version of Dancing with the Stars called Tanzen Mit Den Sternen and cast in Reservoir Dogs where he played the manager of the jewelers that got robbed.

I was disappointed not to be in the finished film, but Quentin remembered me and said one of these days I’ll do a film about Nazis and you can be in that. Really I am a very lucky man. 

How do you feel about having a son?

It’s hard to assimilate. I was very drunk in the Seventies so it wouldn’t be impossible and he is an actor, like me. So yes. I’m very happy. We will play the stick and the bat together.  

MASSIVE OSCARS UPSET

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight the Academy for Motion Sickness and Something Something caused massive controversy and consternation in the Hollywood world by not doing anything in the least bit surprising.

The brilliant TV movie Argo won best picture; Daniel Day-Lewis won for best ACTOR; Amour won for best no honestly film is an art form and not just a commercial venture; Christoph Waltz for not being a Nazi and instead being a white Martin Luther King and Jennifer Lawrence won because last time she won something her dress fell off.

Life of Pi won for best visual effects, which was especially nice since the people who were responsible for those effects have all since been fired: ‘We couldn’t have done this without the people now outside protesting’. Adele won for Best Song; Anne Hathaway for discouraging girls to go on crash diets; Ang Lee for best director (which he is, but not for this film); Tarantino for best screenplay, which really should have been best two thirds of a screenplay. How we wish wish there was a category for best script editor. Searching for Sugarman, deservedly won Best Documentary although like many, maybe I’m not qualified to judge as it was the only one I’d seen in the category.

In the end one of the triumphs of the night was Seth MacFarlane who proved an astute choice and injected some much needed edge into the proceedings. Sorry we doubted you Seth. Still, Pope Benedict XVI has some really blue material I’ve heard.

To read all of our Oscars coverage CLICK HERE.

SPIKE LEE HOSTS NEW REVIEW SHOW

Spike Lee is going to take a break from directing films to host his own review show for Fox called: I Already Know it’s Bullshit. The format of the show will be similar to the classic formula of Siskel and Ebert with Lee and an invited guest reviewing new releases every week and giving them the thumbs up or thumbs down and providing viewers with a helpful guide on where to spend their entertainment dollars this weekend. 
Mr Lee said in a statement today:

Course I won’t be making the mistake a lot of so called critics make of actually going and seeing the goddam movie. I ain’t got time for that. Nor the inclination. I mean I’m a film maker. If I can’t tell what a movie is like from the poster and what I already think of the director and just you know stuff people say, then I ought to give it up.

Here are some of Spike’s first reviews from the début show, presented with Armond White.

The Life of Pi: 
Spike: ‘This is racist bullshit. What we’re doing is exploiting that skinny Indian kid waiting for him to get eaten by that tiger.’
Armond: ‘Transformers 3 is better’ 

Zero Dark Thirty:
Spike: ‘Jessica Chastain might be a fine looking lady but this is obviously going to be the same bullcrap from the usual testosterone fuelled white Hollywood male world view.’
Armond: ‘Ghost Rider 2: The Spirit of Vengeance was a finer dissection of the post 9/11 Zeitgeist ‘   

Django Unchained:
Spike: ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’
Armond: ‘Quentin Tarantino is not black.’

TARANTINO POLL: THE RESULTS

‘I am your slave’

The Studio Exec first ever poll has concluded and the results are in and the results are decisive. Quentin Tarantino’s films are ‘a bit violent.’ Literally thirty one people voted.

When given the results Mr. Tarantino broke into floods of tears and said:

‘I suppose I am your monkey and I will have to dance to your tune.’

Many believe that the Studio Exec poll represents a turning point in the whole ‘are Tarantino’s films “violent”?’ debate. Some journalists getting quite giddy and jumping up and down and clapping their hands.

Yes, they are.
  7 (22%)
 
No, they are not.
  5 (16%)
 
A bit.
  16 (51%)
 
More than a bit.
  3 (9%)
 




Total votes  31

TARANTINO TO DIRECT THE ‘CARE BEARS’ MOVIE

After last week’s shock interview on Channel 4, Quentin Tarantino has this morning declared his next film with will be a live action re-imagining of the mid-Eighties animated classic The Care Bears Movie.

We caught up with Quentin in his private S&M dungeon to discuss his latest project.

Quentin. Why the Care bears?

Growing up I was a big fan and as the years have passed I’ve become more and more interested in the aesthetic. I’ve been tinkering with a script for about a decade but I couldn’t find the right angle to reintroduce these characters to a modern audience. It wasn’t until I saw Ted last year that everything came together.


So what we can expect from your take on the much beloved tale?

Well the original bears were all sappy do-gooders with hearts of gold. You had Share bear, Birthday bear, Friend bear. That kind of sweet, good natured stuff is fine for the kids but it lacks what every cinema-going adult craves.

And what’s that?

Violence. Lots and lots of violence.

Can you expand?

Well my thoughts on violence are well documented so I don’t feel it’s necessary to go over old ground.

So you’re an advocate of violence in movies?

As I just said though perhaps you didn’t hear me. My fans know me and know what I believe. If you want a reminder then feel free to google me.

But surely with the spate of shootings in the US, surely even you must see that there is a link between violent movies and violent crime.

Look. I’m not a monkey who’s going to dance to your tune. You want a stupid answer to a stupid question then go ask Seth Rogan. On the other hand if you want a serious discussion about my next film then ask me a more interesting question and I will do my best to enlighten you.

Fine. Tell me more about the Care bears.

Well it’s kind of a mash-up between the original Care bears and Walter Hill’s The Warriors. Basically the Care bears chief gets assassinated and the Care bear cousins think it was this particular group of bears that did it and they have to fight their way back home.

Who will be supplying the voices of the characters?

Sam Jackson’s on board as Bad Mother F*cker bear, Jamie Foxx is Pipe Hitting Nigger bear and Uma Thurman is Big Ole Bitch bear. I’m still casting for Crystal Meth bear , Assault and Battery bear and a bunch of others.

So what you’re saying Mr Tarantino is that you’ve taken a bunch of innocent and inoffensive characters and turned them into violent hoodlums.

Yes, but the violence is necessary and the message I’m trying to convey is that sometimes in order to get back home. You have to kill a few bears.

If you don’t mind me saying, that’s a pretty weak message.

Ok that’s it I’m shutting your butt down. I’m shutting it right down to China Town!


Care Bears is due for release in 2014 



BRITISH JOURNALIST ACCUSES QUENTIN TARANTINO’S FILMS OF BEING “VIOLENT”

LONDON – A British television interview has revealed that the films of auteur director Quentin Tarantino are in fact – as some have long contended – violent. The horror and virulent disgust sent bile waves through the film community and saw trusted moral arbiter Reese Witherspoon declaring from now on the name of Quentin Tarantino would be struck from the record of all film chat and talk.


Kurt Russell – a one time collaborator – shook his head sadly:

As one who defended Quentin time and again, I have to now hold my hand up and say, in the face of this overwhelming evidence, Quentin must be declared a pariah and forced to walk the earth like Kane from Kung Fu. If he appears on my property though, I’m afraid I’m going to have to shoot the violent son of a bitch.

The interview – which seems to have taken place in what the British call a ‘hotel’ – was conducted by an important news journalist, who repeatedly accused Tarantino of making violent films. Mantle Harmony – spokesperson for QTBS a watchdog body devoted to pissing off the Reservoir Dogs director – said:

Though I am grateful to Krishnan Guru-Murthy for having cornered Tarantino so effectively with his shock revelations, I have contended for years that Tarantino’s films contain occasional scenes of violence. Reservoir Dogs has multiple shooting and an ear amputation, Kill Bill is called kill Bill and in Inglourious Basterds an innocent man with a neat moustache is machine gunned in a horrific way.

 Krishnan Guru-Murthy is well known in England for his fearless exposés of nepotism in the British Royal family, the use of violence on battlefields and the dangerous presence of potatoes in packets of what the British call ‘potatoes’.

Please vote in our very first poll, ever and you decide whether they are violent or not, over there on the right. My right.

FLUFFER: END OF YEAR REVIEW: PART 1




For Your Consideration


As award season approaches veteran ham Sir Edwin Fluffer shamelessly campaigns for the recognition he doesn’t really deserve. Here are just a few of his performances from the last year that the Academy won’t find difficult to ignore:

The Hobbit
I had a small but memorable scene in this little picture with that twinkly old darling Sir Ian McKellen, or Serena as I found he doesn’t like to be called. I played his doting father, Gandalf The Greyer, who insists his son wraps up warm before setting off on his big adventure. 
The 3D scarf and matching gloves I had to give him were almost frighteningly realistic. It’s a shame that my cameo didn’t make the final cut, but if they’re running short on Part Two or Part Three they can always pop it in later I suppose. The director, Peter Jackson, was an absolute sweetheart. I would tickle him under the chin and he’d chuckle like a little baby. In the end he had to ask me to stop it because we weren’t getting any work done.

Django Unchained
Let’s just say that westerns have changed a bit since my appearance all those years ago in Apache Chaps! Being the sort of actor who’ll do anything for money I was delighted to be on set with my dear old friend Samuel L. Jackson. We had a lovely chat and I told him all my favorite stories, like the time Gabby Hayes accidentally shot one of my fingers off, and dear old Sam said ‘shit, who is this guy? I can’t understand a word he’s saying!’ That’s Sammy for you: we just fell about laughing! Some of the language was a little ripe for my tastes and I did raise that with the director so I hope he’s turned it down a bit. I’ve not actually seen it yet, but I hope they’ve kept in the bit where I fall off the horse: it was an accident waiting to happen, but very funny. 
Young Leo DiCaprio actually wet himself.

DJANGO UNCHAINED ‘WILL FEATURE NO NEW FOOTAGE’










HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino revealed today that Django Unchained – released on Christmas Day – holds no more surprises. ‘Basically we’ve already shown everything in the trailers,’ the co-director of Four Rooms said. ‘I think we’ve even put some of the deleted scenes in there as well, so the special edition Blu-Ray won’t be worth spending money on if you’ve got a decent internet connection.’
The leakage began the very day Tarantino finished the screenplay and, somehow (possibly via a large bag of weed being smoked in celebration) – wound its way to a photocopier from thence to a scanner and from thence to the internet. During filming of the tale of a slave (Jamie Foxx [not to be mistaken with James Fox]) who is freed by a dentist (Cristophe Waltz) so he can then hunt down the men who captured him and the man (Leonardo di Caprio) who has his wife (Kerry Washington).

Jamie Foxx


Dismissing the earlier leak of the script, Tarantino said at the 2012 Comi-Con that the film had changed over the course of filming with many scenes rewritten and characters added and others eliminated. However, today he admitted that all the footage filmed has already been included in the teasers, the trailer, the international trailer, the TV spots, the TV clips, and the poster art. ‘You can basically Google the film,’ said QT, disgruntled. ‘I fucked up.’ There will be no new footage in the actual and perhaps substantially less.

Anybody who wants to watch the extended trailer in a large room full of people texting will have to wait until December, however.