STAR WARS: DEATH STAR JANITORS REALITY SHOW ON DISNEY+

BREAKING NEWS: Following up on the runaway success of the Obi Wan-Kenobi series, Disney+ have announced Star Wars: Death  Star Janitors will premiere on the streaming service this November. The reality show will follow a team of hopeful cleaners competing to earn a much coveted job on the genocidal space station. The Exec caught up with Kathleen Kennedy to talk about the high concept reality show.

Kathleen, Where Did You Get The Idea For Star Wars: Death Star Janitors?

Honestly? It was the only idea we hadn’t made from the Disney+ Canteen Suggestions Box. We’re getting kinda desperate now. Can you tell? I know I have more money than anyone else in the world that isn’t responsible for war crimes, but at what cost? I remember the good old days when I would hang out with George. We weren’t greedy; we only had a couple of billion dollars between us. It was a simpler time. We were happier back then.

Has This Work Left You Feeling Unfulfilled?

In a way, it has. I mean, yeah sure, I have my own island where I rule the population like a malignant, petulant god. But that’s only fun for some of the time. I wanted to make films that were important, that had something truly meaningful to say. Something like Taken or Taken 2.

What Do Those Films Have To Say That’s Important?

I dunno. Get off my kids? Foreigners are dangerous and frightening? Who do you think I am? I produce Star Wars shit, I aint no philosopher.

Tell Us About This New Reality Show.

There’s not much to tell. It takes place during the build up to and behind the scenes of Episode IV: A New Hope. That film is going on in the background and the contestant’s task is to clear up after all the mess the escaping rebels make. Think of it as Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead crossed with Big Brother.

You Really Have Given Up, Haven’t You?

Yep.

Star Wars: Death Star Janitors Premieres On Disney+ This Coming November

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

TAKEN 4 LOOKS CRAP

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson fans everywhere rose up in disgust at the first images of Taken 4.

The eagerly awaited Taken 4 arrives late this year, but already fans of the Liam Neeson actioner are hot under the collar.

Uber-Taken fan, Leonard Katz told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I have a particular set of skills. One of them is to spot a terrible Taken film. This looks like a terrible Taken film. Liam is just kneeling and praying. And who are those Japanese guys behind him? Terrorists I imagine, but why is he praying like some kind of girl’s sandwich? And what’s with that shirt? It’s almost as bad as the prequel he did when he went back in time and saved all those Jews.

Director Martin Scorsese responded to criticism by telling everyone ‘to shut up.’

Taken 4 will be released December, 2016.

LIAM NEESON DISPATCHED TO RESCUE CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Liam Neeson has been dispatched by the FBI in an attempt to rescue New Jersey Governor.

Action film star and revered Irish actor Liam Neeson is to attempt to rescue New Jersey governor and former presidential candidate Chris Christie. FBI spokesperson Audrey Hamilton spoke exclusively with the Studio Exec:

Mr. Christie’s family first got in touch about a fortnight ago. He had not returned home following the suspension of his presidential campaign. At first family members believed that Mr. Christie needed some space and time to reflect. They were shocked when they saw him endorsing his arch-rival Donald Trump. Despite his words it was evident to law officers that from his body language and especially from the look in his eyes that Mr. Christie was very likely behaving under extreme duress. Further film evidence shows him being paraded around by Donald Trump who at whim uses him as the butt of his jokes, or orders him to get back in his plane, where he is believed to be chained up like the ‘gimp’ in Pulp Fiction and only fed fruit flavored pop tarts.

 Liam Neeson was called, using a special number that causes a red telephone to ring in his house. A representative for the actor says that he has been training with Gabriel Byrne for just such an eventuality.

We at the FBI have nothing but praise for the conduct of Mr. Neeson. He answered his differently colored telephone almost immediately and said he had a ‘certain set of skills’. We asked if he would use these skills to free Mr. Christie.

Would Liam Neeson be expected to ‘take out’ Donald Trump?

The FBI couldn’t possibly comment on that. That would be the CIA’s department.

Liam Neeson will be appearing in Martin Scorsese’s The Silence next month.

GRUMPY OLD MEN REBOOT: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – The new re-imagining of the Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau classic Grumpy Old Men gets its first poster featuring stars Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington.

Famous for their more serious dramatic/action roles in films such as Malcolm X and Taken, Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington both expressed their delight at being involved in the Grumpy Old Men remake.

They spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec.

So what attracted you to the project?

Liam Neeson: We’ve both done remakes in the past. I’ve done The A-Team and Denzel did The Equalizer and…

Denzel Washington: The Taking of Pelham 123.

LN: Right. But we don’t get much opportunity to do comedy. People look at us killing people in our films and they don’t connect that with comedy for some reason.

DW: Cameron Crowe has been trying to get a remake of the film off the ground for years and the script has been circulating. I was looking for something to do with Liam because I’ve admired him as an actor ever since I saw Krull.

LN: For me, I became a big Denzel fan after watching Ricochet. That was one hell of a movie. I pointed at the screen and said ‘I want to do that’.

How did you divide the roles?

DW: Liam was already attached to play John Gufstafson, which was Lemmon’s role. But that was perfect for me because I’ve always seen myself more as a Walter Matthau man. I’ve got the same hangdog looks.  So I took to the role of Max really well.

LN: When I was re-watching the original I noticed that John was kind of a handy man and I thought, I too have a particular set of skills. And so that made my mind up really.

How will the new film differ from the old film?

DW: No one wants to see a carbon copy. What’s the point of that?

LN: Right. In the original, John and Max are both basically bitter old men arguing about the affections of an attractive neighbor Ariel. They spy on each other and try to sabotage each other’s plans.

DW: In our version I’m ex-CIA.

LN: And I’m ex-Secret Service.

DW: And we both love Ariel, playing by Melanie Griffith.

LN: But terrorists have kidnapped her.

DW: We need to forget our differences and team up to kill the terrorists, evade the police commanded (as ever) by Forest Whitaker and save Ariel.

Wow. It doesn’t sound like a funny premise.

LN: Funny? Why on earth would it have to be funny?

Because it’s a comedy.

DW: Comedies don’t have to be funny.

LN: Look at This Means War.

Yes, but...

DW: Or anything with Vince Vaughn in.

LN: He’s made hundreds of comedies and not once have I laughed.

DW: Good point Liam.

LN: Thanks Denzel.

Grumpy Old Men will be in cinemas in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

TAKEN 4: SNEAK PEEK

HOLLYWOOD – Rushed into production last week, the first image of Taken 4 can be EXCLUSIVELY seen here.

Studio Exec got a sneak peek along with an interview with star Liam Neeson.

So Liam what’s the film about?

Well, the original idea was a good one but after the first three that story is beginning to wear a bit thin, so in the new Taken we’re going in a totally new direction.

Which is?

Space! The final frontier. Ha ha.

Sounds fantastic.

Yeah. Bryan Mills has been cloned and is used as a universal soldier, but when all the families of his clone army are kidnapped by the Naboo mafia, the clones use their particular set of skills (a kind of forcefield that surrounds everything) to wage inter-galatic war.

Taken 4: The Mills Awakens will be released Tuesday.

SCRIPT LEAK: TAKEN 3

HOLLYWOOD – The new script for Taken 3 has leaked EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. Read here.


EXT. CHECHNYA. DAY.
Bryan (Liam Neeson), Kim and Lenore Mills arrive in a taxi outside a run down hotel in the middle of an area still devastated by years of warfare. They step over a dead body on their way to the lobby.

BRYAN
(clapping his hands)
This looks like the place. 

INT. HOTEL ROOM
The family unpack.

BRYAN
It’s a nice room, isn’t it?
KIM
Why do we have to keep coming to these dumps dad?
LENORE
Yeah Bryan, last year it was Beirut. The year before that…
KIM
The Democratic Republic of the Congo.
BRYAN
Ah, this way we avoid the crowds. I’m going out to stretch my legs.
 
 
EXT. PHONE BOOTH ACROSS FROM THE HOTEL
Bryan takes out a folded piece of paper and dials the number.
 
INT. BACK ROOM OF A SLEAZY TERRORIST CLUB
A bunch of hirsute villains listen to someone rapping in Arabic. The phone rings. 
TERRORIST
Yes?
 
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Bryan talks into the phone.
BRYAN
They’re in room number 314.
 
Bryan hangs up and then cover his eyes with his hands.
 
BRYAN (CONT)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…
 
FIN 
  

LIAM NEESON’S SONS FREED FROM LUC BESSON’S LAIR

PARIS – The French world of film was reeling with shock today when in the early hours of Monday morning, Luc Besson was arrested for kidnapping Liam Neeson’s sons.

The Gendarmes freed the two young men from Luc Besson’s basement following a raid on his house in Paris.
Suspicions were initially raised when Liam Neeson changed his mind and then made a series of substandard action films for the French producer/director. The two boys were ‘taken’ in 2007, when Liam Neeson turned down the lead in Taken, saying ‘the role is poorly written and the plot badly conceived’. Many were surprised when he changed his mind following ‘rewrites’. It is now clear that these rewrites came in the form of ransom notes, demanding his participation in the films in return for their continued safety.
A spokesperson for the 6th Arrondissement police department told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We could dismiss the first Taken as a kind of joie de vivre, it had a certain je ne sais quoi even if it was très ridicule. But the sequels and then Unknown and Non Stop were just too much. This is the man who played Oscar Schindler for crying out loud. There was only one explanation. Luc Besson had obviously kidnapped members of Mr. Neeson’s family and were using them as leverage to force him into ho-hum movie roles that were gradually wasting away at his talent.
The police also revealed that Mr. Neeson himself participated in the raid and was responsible for killing of a number of M. Besson’s henchman that the Nikita director had hired from the Russian Mafia, though Besson himself almost escaped capture. ‘He climbed over a garden wall and was running down a back alley when Neeson captured him with a flying scissor kick,’ said one witness in French. ‘It was f*cked up.’
The police added:
A Europe-wide search has begun as it is believed that Besson has hidden Gary Oldman’s grandmother and George Clooney’s aunt in secret locations,
perhaps in Switzerland or Alsace Lorraine, though Besson refuses to give a precise location until he has a firm commitment from the actors to appear in a live action version of Asterix in America. The crime against Mr. Neeson however is the most grave, compounded by the fact that Mr. Neeson was forced to play a father whose child has been kidnapped, cruelly forcing him to reenact his real life situation before an unsuspecting world.

Taken 3 will be released in 2015.

THE PHANTOM MENU: THE LIAM NEESON COOKBOOK

The Phantom Menu: The Liam Neeson Cookbook is released today. Written by the Michael Collins star, Liam Neeson, every recipe is connected to a film that the The Big Man has appeared in by a dubious pun.

The Studio Exec met Mr Neeson in his Hollywood kitchen where -surrounded by a film crew – he walked us through the dishes included in the book. ‘I’ve always liked food,’ Neeson said. ‘I like cooking it, I like preparing it and I like eating it. What’s wrong with that?’
Nothing.

Good. Because I travel with work there are a lot of different nationalities. For instance, we have here the Bavarian themed Schnitzel’s List, a lightly bread crumbed chicken breast fried it butter and rosemary. What do you think? 

Neeson offered me a forkful and I tasted it. ‘Delicious!’
Each plate was arranged like a work of art.

And here we have the traditional English Steak and Kinsey Pie with Battle Chips. For the fish lover, I have The A Bream and Cod Roy and for the daring The Grey.

Steak and Kinsey Pie

The slab of thick meat quivers under a drizzle of olive oil. That wouldn’t be..?

It’s wolf.

Right.

Taste it.

I’m not sure…

Taste it.

Delicious.

Dark Ham, Hash of the Titans and Lamb.

Lamb? What’s the pun? I mean it’s… lamb.

I was in a film called LambBut you know I don’t just like eating in, sometimes I get tired of cooking. And do you know what I say?

Let’s get a Taken Away?

That was my fucking joke.

Oh sorry.
Neeson hangs his head and looks desperately unhappy. Then he walks out of the room. He doesn’t come back and after forty minutes I decide it would be better if I left. 

The Phantom Menu: The Liam Neeson Cook Book is available from all good book shops and the proceeds will be added to those of the A Team, Taken and Taken 2, all of which sit in Liam Neeson’s bank accounts.

TURNER AND HOOCH REBOOT ANNOUNCED

BRUSSELS – Jean Claude Van Damme and his loveable Chihuahua Champion-Man are currently filming the Turner and Hooch remake in various locations across Europe.

The sure-fire winning combo of wise cracking cop and loveable dog concept movie is set to rise again and the Studio Exec managed to catch up with both stars.

No one has ever seen action like this. This is a whole new genre of entertainment. It’s beyond your imagination.

Could you break it down a little for those of us who may need help then?

Have you ever seen a dog rip out someone’s throat while firing a semi automatic machine gun?

I don’t think so.

See! I told you. You didn’t imagine it. I put that in there. That’s just one of the images you will see for the first time. Champion-Man will bring new depths of excitement to modern cinema.

What is the actual story this time around?

The REAL story is that I was watching the movie Taken with Champion-Man and we both agreed that it was weak as cabbage pee and that it’d be vastly improved with a real martial artist and a real dog. I know for a FACT Neeson could never do the splits in a time of crisis. He’s an ass biscuit. Neither could he train a small dog to steal a Vespa with nothing but a hand gesture. Do you agree with these statements?

Well…I know Liam quite well, I’m fairly sure he couldn’t do the splits.

Thank you. That will look good on the poster. I must leave you now. Champion-Man must tinkle then feed.

Turner and Hooch: The Belgian Connection is currently held up due to copyright infringement allegations.

TAKEN 3: ALTERNATE OPENING SCENE

HOLLYWOOD – Taken 3 scripts alternate draft leaks onto the internet. Read Here EXCLUSIVELY.


EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Somewhere in Eastern Europe a funeral is taking place. A matriarch is burying 89% of the cast from Taken 2.
A bulldozer has dug what is effectively a mass grave. Swarthy gangster types and their runny nosed children weep desperately as the coffins are forklifted down into the grave.

MATRIARCH

This is just getting fucking embarrassing.

FIN 

LUC BESSON IS ON BOARD FOR THE FRENCH CONNECTION 3

PARIS – Luc Besson, French film director of such classics as Nikita and Leon, as well as producer of the Taken series, has announced that he is to produce and direct the long awaited sequel to the French Connection.

“I’ve talked with Gene Hackman and Bill Friedkin and they are both happy for me to do it”, said Luc. 

In fact, Bill Friedkin told me that he had always envisioned it as a trilogy but the seventies was so lame when it came to making decent movies that no one would put up the money for a trilogy.

What do you bring to this film which is considered a classic of the genre?

I agree. It is a classic, but one thing always gave me Le Hump. This was the French Connection, right? But where was France? Or the French? Even Fernando Rey (who played the original villain) was Spanish. So in our version, I added some French things which will make it a real FRENCH connection. Ooh la la! As we say, constantly.

 The official synopsis reads:

Joey ‘Popeye’ Doyle Jr. (Chris Pine) and Det. Buddy (Channing Tatum) are on the trail of a mysterious high end drug dealer, called Frenchie (Jean Reno). They track him down to Paris, a large city in France, where Frenchie maintains his cover as an onion seller, riding a bicycle and wearing a stripy jumper and a beret. Then there is a very exciting bicycle chase and they are fighting with baguettes and riding bicycles. And they get mixed up with Le Tour de France! 

The French Connection 3: Attack on Paris will begin shooting in August. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 3. LIAM NEESON

 

DUBLIN – Liam Neeson sits across from me staring. I shift position nervously but he looks like he is measuring me up, trying to decide on the best way to kill me, whether to break my neck, or throttle me, or drive my nose bone deep into my pulpy brain flesh. He’s been sitting here in silence for twenty minutes.

When I first sat down, I sensed something was wrong. ‘You can’t sit there,’ Neeson growled in his famous Irish burr. ‘It’s Taken.’
I sat in the other chair. 
‘You can’t sit there either,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘That’s Taken 2,’ he roared with laughter.
In order to join in with the mood, I said, ‘Are you Taken the piss?’
At which point he stopped suddenly and stared at me. And that’s where we came in. Him staring at me for twenty minutes. 
Finally he sighs and begins to devour his food with something like savage grace. 
‘So,’ I say. ‘When George Lucas first approached you for the role of Qui Gong did you…’
‘Money,’ Neeson growls.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Were you a big fan of the TV show The A Team?’
‘Money,’ says Neeson.
Battleship?’
‘Money.’
The Grey?’
Neeson smiles. ‘That was the catering.’
‘I…’
‘I don’t know who you are’ Neeson says.
‘I’m Chad…’
‘I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for quotes, I can tell you now I don’t have them. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me daughter go…’
‘What?’
‘That’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t… stop crying Chad, if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.’
At which point I ran for it.

For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.