NRA GETS OSCAR CATEGORY

HOLLYWOOD – The National Rifle Association (NRA) to get its own Oscar category at the upcoming Motion Picture Academy Awards.

The decision came following a marked increase in movies with firearms featuring prominently. John Wick, Taken 3 and American Sniper all use gun play as an essential element of the narrative, stated a  spokesperson for the NRA.

You can see that we’re winning the argument all across America. Guns have never been more popular or more beloved. Look at the success of American Sniper! Box office records shot to pieces. And Oscar nominations up the wahtoosie! Whereas The Lego Movie… where were the guns in that piece of shit?

But that was a kids’ film?

So what? Kids love guns and they even love to fire them.  Under proper supervision obviously. Not just stealing mom’s gun. That’d be wrong.

The category will be called ‘Most Imaginative Use of Guns in a Motion Picture’.

The nominations this year are:

John Wick

Taken 3

American Sniper

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Still Alice

For more Oscars, click here.

SCRIPT LEAK: TAKEN 3

HOLLYWOOD – The new script for Taken 3 has leaked EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. Read here.


EXT. CHECHNYA. DAY.
Bryan (Liam Neeson), Kim and Lenore Mills arrive in a taxi outside a run down hotel in the middle of an area still devastated by years of warfare. They step over a dead body on their way to the lobby.

BRYAN
(clapping his hands)
This looks like the place. 

INT. HOTEL ROOM
The family unpack.

BRYAN
It’s a nice room, isn’t it?
KIM
Why do we have to keep coming to these dumps dad?
LENORE
Yeah Bryan, last year it was Beirut. The year before that…
KIM
The Democratic Republic of the Congo.
BRYAN
Ah, this way we avoid the crowds. I’m going out to stretch my legs.
 
 
EXT. PHONE BOOTH ACROSS FROM THE HOTEL
Bryan takes out a folded piece of paper and dials the number.
 
INT. BACK ROOM OF A SLEAZY TERRORIST CLUB
A bunch of hirsute villains listen to someone rapping in Arabic. The phone rings. 
TERRORIST
Yes?
 
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Bryan talks into the phone.
BRYAN
They’re in room number 314.
 
Bryan hangs up and then cover his eyes with his hands.
 
BRYAN (CONT)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…
 
FIN 
  

LIAM NEESON’S SONS FREED FROM LUC BESSON’S LAIR

PARIS – The French world of film was reeling with shock today when in the early hours of Monday morning, Luc Besson was arrested for kidnapping Liam Neeson’s sons.

The Gendarmes freed the two young men from Luc Besson’s basement following a raid on his house in Paris.
Suspicions were initially raised when Liam Neeson changed his mind and then made a series of substandard action films for the French producer/director. The two boys were ‘taken’ in 2007, when Liam Neeson turned down the lead in Taken, saying ‘the role is poorly written and the plot badly conceived’. Many were surprised when he changed his mind following ‘rewrites’. It is now clear that these rewrites came in the form of ransom notes, demanding his participation in the films in return for their continued safety.
A spokesperson for the 6th Arrondissement police department told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We could dismiss the first Taken as a kind of joie de vivre, it had a certain je ne sais quoi even if it was très ridicule. But the sequels and then Unknown and Non Stop were just too much. This is the man who played Oscar Schindler for crying out loud. There was only one explanation. Luc Besson had obviously kidnapped members of Mr. Neeson’s family and were using them as leverage to force him into ho-hum movie roles that were gradually wasting away at his talent.
The police also revealed that Mr. Neeson himself participated in the raid and was responsible for killing of a number of M. Besson’s henchman that the Nikita director had hired from the Russian Mafia, though Besson himself almost escaped capture. ‘He climbed over a garden wall and was running down a back alley when Neeson captured him with a flying scissor kick,’ said one witness in French. ‘It was f*cked up.’
The police added:
A Europe-wide search has begun as it is believed that Besson has hidden Gary Oldman’s grandmother and George Clooney’s aunt in secret locations,
perhaps in Switzerland or Alsace Lorraine, though Besson refuses to give a precise location until he has a firm commitment from the actors to appear in a live action version of Asterix in America. The crime against Mr. Neeson however is the most grave, compounded by the fact that Mr. Neeson was forced to play a father whose child has been kidnapped, cruelly forcing him to reenact his real life situation before an unsuspecting world.

Taken 3 will be released in 2015.

TAKEN 3: ALTERNATE OPENING SCENE

HOLLYWOOD – Taken 3 scripts alternate draft leaks onto the internet. Read Here EXCLUSIVELY.


EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Somewhere in Eastern Europe a funeral is taking place. A matriarch is burying 89% of the cast from Taken 2.
A bulldozer has dug what is effectively a mass grave. Swarthy gangster types and their runny nosed children weep desperately as the coffins are forklifted down into the grave.

MATRIARCH

This is just getting fucking embarrassing.

FIN