BREAKING NEWS – In a shock announcement, the name of the MCU is to be changed to the Marvel Content Universe in order to reflect its corporate rollout strategy. We spoke with the Marvel Content Universe impresario, Kevin Feige to discuss this latest development.
Kevin, Why Have You Rebranded To The Marvel Content Universe?
We wanted to make sure our consumers are fully aligned with our product output and are always using the latest version of our operating systems. By which I mean they are fully subscribed to Disney+, following our Instagram and TikTok accounts. Oh and also watching our movies. I guess people wanna do that also. But mainly they’ll need to keep up with our shows that are currently streaming on Disney+. Disney, the home of Marvel.
Can Fans Keep Up With Phase 4 If They Haven’t Watched All Of The Shows?
Yes, yeah, sure absolutely. And by that, I mean no. They haven’t got a fucking chance of knowing what the hell is going on if they have haven’t seen all our shows and just expect to understand what the fuck Dr. Strange is doing now. I produced all this bullshit and I can hardly understand it all.
But Why Change From Cinematic To The Marvel Content Universe?
You have seen some of our recent movies, haven’t you? I mean, Jesus H Christ all our Phase 4 movies make the Iron Man trilogy look like Kieslowski’s Three Colors trilogy. Would you call The Eternals cinematic? Would you?
Um, Well, It had Pacing Issues.
Pacing issues? You’re being very kind, but we all know that was a turd. Just a big old steaming turd. Besides, we got a sweet deal going with Disney+. The more crap we release directly on Disney+, the greater the percentage of subscription receipts for little old me. I know Thor: Love and Thunder will make truckloads of cash, but the Taika bubble is about to burst. We rode that pony for as long as we could. Then what? A Moon Knight movie? Gimme a break. Oh my god, what have I done with my life?
Thor: Love and Thunder Is Currently In Cinemas.
BREAKING NEWS – In a heart-felt plea to the New Zealand writer, director, actor and all-round quirky guy, Ryan Reynolds tells Taika Waititi to ‘tone it down a bit’. We spoke to meta-hilarious 4th wall breaking Reynolds why he wants Taika to calm it down.
So Ryan Reynolds, Why Have Told Taika Waititi To Tone It Down?
First things first, I just wanna say how much I love Taika [looks over his should and winks at a non-existent camera]. But before he suffers the same fate as me, I just think he should calm down the whole kooky, quirk thing. You know what I mean?
Who Were You Winking At?
Um, nobody. No-one at all.
Don’t Give Me That Bullshit, You Were Meta-Winking.
Ok, ok, alright. I was, I admit it. But this is exactly what I don’t want to happen to my buddy, Taika. I can’t stop it anymore. When I started breaking 4th walls and being meta, it was fun and fresh. But it’s grown old very quickly. Now look at me. Yeah sure, I make at least $20million a picture, but they’re all on fucking Netflix. Who gives a shit about that!
What’s Your Message To Taika?
Your early movies, Eagle Vs Shark, What We Do In The Shadows and even Hunt For The Wilderpeople, they had kook and quirk, yeah sure. But they also had real heart at the center of them. Get back to that heart, that humanity, man. Don’t end up like me. I accidentally saw the opening credits of Magnum P.I and all it took was his little wink and eyebrow thingy to camera, and I was hooked. This shit is worse than fucking crack, man. I just can’t quit [does a funny look over my shoulder].
You Just Did It Again, Didn’t You?
I’m beyond saving. It’s hopeless. It’s just gonna be never-ending sequels to Red Notice and The Hitman’s fucking whatever from here on in.
Thor: Love And Thunder Is Currently In Theatres
HOLLYWOOD – Taika Waititi admits vandalism charge as CCTV captured images of him spray-painting the Hollywood walk of fame with obscene cock and balls images. The LAPD released a statement earlier stating Waititi admits vandalism charge in the face of irrefutable and rather disgusting evidence. The Exec caught up with the New Zealand director for an explanation.
Taika, why did you spray-paint the Hollywood walk of fame with childish cock and balls pics?
What do you mean childish? How very dare you sir. I take umbrage with your ignorant statement sir. UMBRAGE! These aren’t just simply childish pictures to be sniggered at. They’re works of art, with their own individual style and form. But ok, they are also pretty funny. I’ll give you that.
But why on the Hollywood walk of fame?
As Ming The Merciless said, why not? I just can’t stop myself. And what better way of sticking it to the man, than drawing a good classic cock and balls. I do the little dotted line, dots on the balls, and some little flies, but just around the tip.
It sounds like you take this quite seriously?
Oh, you can’t fuck about when it comes to art. Especially amusing art that gives such insight to the male psyche. Where else can you find a truer expression of the male as an animal? The cock. And then the balls. A perfect metaphor for the fragility of the male ego. Give them a kick, it’s agony and everything shrivels right up.
That’s all very poetic but it’s still vandalism.
One person’s art is another person’s vandalism. Banksy gets this shit all the time.
Are you claiming you know Banksy?
Well, let me put it like this. You’ve never seen me and Banksy in the same room, have you? (Makes a winky face)
More on this story as it breaks.