After the box office success of Skyfall, director Sam Mendes has been given a 250 million dollar war chest to finance his dream project, an epic black and white remake of the cartoon classic He-Man & The Masters of the Universe performed exclusively in ancient Sumerian.

It’s a great script,“ said an excited Mendes. “Myself and David Mamet have been working on it for well over a decade and we both agree that it’s our best work to date.”

Mendes admitted that the original drafts of the script were much too child friendly and he was struggling to make it work.

It was like Game of Thrones but without the violence and incest. It was only when I saw Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ that I decided it should be done in another language. After all the characters are from Eternia, not Earth, so it makes no sense that they would speak with an American accent. Originally I asked David to create an entire language from scratch but after he eventually stopped laughing and offered his resignation, we decided that Sumerian was the way forward.

That bold decision inspired Mendes to make further drastic changes.

Everything has been stripped down to the bare minimum. Originally it was going to be in 3D with masses of CGI and special effects but it’s going to be in black and white and no effects at all. In fact the only reason it’s costing so much is that we are building a life-size replica of Castle Grayskull in the Scottish Highlands.

Mendes also revealed that he already has his main cast in place.

Chris Hemsworth will play He-Man and Tom Hiddleston is Skeletor. I didn’t known Chris but I’m known Tom for years and his Skeletor is genuinely one of the most frightening characters in cinema history. He sent us an audition tape of himself dressed in a skull mask brutally murdering a swan and I knew immediately that he was the cold-hearted bastard we’d been looking for.

Despite the changes Mendes is sure that fans of the original series will enjoy his twisted version of the He-Man Universe.

If I had to compare it to another film, I’d say it’s like The Seventh Seal but much, much bleaker and the violence is so extreme we’ll be lucky to get a R-rating. Then there’s the incest, the bestiality and the murder and torture but it’s not all grim. Orko the magician makes an appearance and his rape scene mainly takes place off camera.

He-Man & The Masters of the Universe is due for release in 2015.


LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.

The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).

The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston  listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.

Court artist’s impression

The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.

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