EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.
Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.
No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.
I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?
Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.
Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?
Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.
So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?
Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.
But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?
Eh? What the hell are you talking about?
Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring
BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.
Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First
Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.
‘I Was Once Superman… Once’
He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.
Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!
If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.
Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly
With a recent Zack Snyder news absence, Zack Snyder has unleashed a scathing attack on the mainstream media for leaving him out of the headlines. The Zack Snyder news absence, according to Zack Snyder is an attempt by those in power to silence his ‘totally awesome artistic voice’, and prevent the public from seeing his, ‘totally bitching ass-kicking movies’. The Exec spoke with Zack Snyder earlier:
So you’re unhappy about the Zack Snyder news absence?
You’re damned straight I aint happy about the Zack Snyder news absence. Did you know I haven’t trended on Twitter for nearly two weeks? Da fuck is that about man?
Is there any Zack Snyder news? Any new announcements?
Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t come at me with all your questions trying to justify why Zack Snyder aint numero uno in the news. It’s the mainstream media man, they’re against old Zack. Because they can’t handle the darkness of my movies and ass-kicking, totally bitchin’ action scenes. Oh, and the rain, they can’t handle all the slo-mo rain.
Would you say your style has rubbed some people up the wrong way?
Look, the way I see it is that my style is too in their face. They all want Richard Donner’s Superman. Fuckin’ do good hippies. That’s all well and good for the 70s and 80s but this is 2021 man. Because Superman is hench, with friggin’ Vegas zombies, man. There’s undead Tigers running around chewing your face off, man.
So what projects do you have coming up?
Check this out… friggin’ Zombie Batman (Ben Affleck) is captured by the Zombie Joker (Jared Leto) who then makes him fight a Zombie Tiger. It’ll all be narrated by Gerrard Butler… who’s a zombie.
You’ve run out of ideas, haven’t you?
Just shut up and pass me the Adderall.
Zombie Batman Vs Zombie Tigers starts shooting later this year… perhaps.
PREDATOR TO REPLACE HENRY CAVILL AS SUPERMAN
The Man of Steel gets a new actor as Henry Cavill flies off and the Predator steps in.
Warner Bros have announced that the new Superman will be the Predator in a crossover that many fans are hailing as ‘inspired’, ‘genius’ and ‘dumb’. A spokesperson for the studio said:
“It’s amazing because it fits so neatly. They both come from space. They both have superpowers and then there’s the romantic interest which Predator hasn’t really had an opportunity to explore yet. Predator is a super action star but he never got the chance to truly explore his range. He can do comedy, easily. And what with the origami face, he’s so flexible.”
Predator himself told Hollywood Reporter:
“Well, obviously I’m thrilled. Finally, I get to really show people what I’ve got and it’s not just hunting humans and fighting xenomorphs. I’ve already done ‘v’ films so we also have that in common. I’m also writing a novel.”
Superman v Alien will be released in 2020.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the successful debut of the CBS superhero show Supergirl, talks have begun of a potential all male remake.
No sooner has Supergirl taken to the airwaves and the skies, than talks begin on a spin off male version of the show. Melissa Benoist stars as Kara Zor-El, also known as Kara Danvers also known as Supergirl, but show creator Ali Adler has spoken in the past about a possible spin off version of the show featuring a male man boy as the lead character.
A source close to the show spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
We were talking the other day about other versions of the same formula that we could exploit and someone came up with the crazy idea of a male Supergirl and we all began to wonder what that would look like and how that would work. What would ‘he’ wear for instance?
You mean a Superboy?
Maybe, though one thing that came up was that Spider-man is already covering very similar ground. The high school and living with his aunt, having schoolyard crushes etc. So maybe he’d have to be a little bit older for it to work.
And the backlash from fans would be one of the reasons we might not do it. I mean you know how intense these internet trolls can be. However, I’d like to see a little more diversity in the world of superheroes so I think it would be good to have a man entering the Super universe, if you know what I mean.
From the planet Krypton?
Exactly. He could have grown up as an orphan looked after by a pair of surrogate parents and then he begins to learn his own nature and saving the world and stuff. I think it would be neat to see that. The title would be…
Superguy will debut on CBS in the Fall of 2016.
GOTHAM – Zach Snyder has leaked an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek of the new Batmobile which will feature in the upcoming film: Batman Vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice.
Zach accompanied the picture with a short message to all his fans:
So here it is. Sometimes it’s so difficult to keep a secret when you know what you’ve got is awesome. Admittedly, we haven’t got the budget we wanted, but still, just imagine Ben Affleck suited up and driving this bad boy around the mean streets of Gotham.
Reaction to the picture was immediate with Variety calling it ‘a radical re-imagining’ and Hollywood Reporter immediately linking the apparent lo-fi design to the current political climate: ‘It looks cheap.’ Many fans were angered at the idea that the car was obviously not American made. ‘Herr Batman might drive this,’ said one enraged fan. ‘But not Mr. Bruce Wayne.’
However, Uber-geek Kevin Smith described how he fainted on seeing the picture and needed some seconds before he was able to give a considered response:
Awe. Some. I mean. God Damn it! This looks like combining not only Batman and Superman, two of my favorite pop cultural phenomena, but also Herbie from The Love Bug. I’ve just come so much I’ve lost about seven pounds.
Batman vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice will be released in March, 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – In an EXCLUSIVE, the Studio Exec is proud to present an extract from Gene Hackman’s new novel Payback at Morning Peak.
Chapter One. The Old Hand Hangs up his Gun
The sun was westering over the ridge and the frickering breeze from the West held the tang of rain to come. Rubbing his almost bald pate, Geoff Hackford turned his gaze from the horizon to the task at hand, cleaning his gun one last time before hanging it up for good.
He’d fought it off for long enough: age and enemies and scar tissue had done for him, but the memories still came like so many lonely ghosts. The time that criminal Frenchie had got away, the way he’d been cheated by General Zod of the US Cavalry and even when he’d almost died rescuing those people from the capsized paddle steam The Poseidon on the Mississippi. Surely, that had been an adventure. But time it was to sit on his porch and enjoy a conversation with the town folk who passed. Not The Conversation, but a Conversation. And if the Tenenbaum’s wanted to invite him for some chow, well all the better!
To sleep soon. With the sun down. He too would sink, first to sleep then finally obscure rest.
Telegram! Telegram! The urchin had slapped it into his hand and was running away before his hand had even settled into his pocket in search of coin.
He tore it open and read the words:
desperately need you back to play gruff patriarch in quirky comedy stop come at once stop expenses and 5 percent of the gross stop wes anderson stop
He laughed to himself as he replaced the gun in the holster. Maybe his fighting days weren’t over quite yet.