DAVID DUCHOVNY: ‘THE X-FILES ARE MADE BY A SHADOWY CONSPIRACY’

HOLLYWOOD – David Duchovny today unveiled the disturbing truth about his new TV show The X-Files: it is produced by shadowy organisation that is possibly run by aliens.

David Duchovny today broke cover to reveal that his TV show The X-Files is actually produced by a shadowy organisation with their own agenda and who might not be off this Earth. He dropped by the Studio Exec underground garage in order to talk to us about his concerns:

It’s the strangest thing but ever sine I started doing the show I wondered whether the plot of the show wasn’t sometimes reflected in the very way it was made. Fox Mulder – the character I play – would along with Dana Scully (played by good friend Gillian Anderson) receive a clue that something strange was going on and over the course of an hour there would be revelations that hinted at some larger more powerful agenda. Well imagine my surprise when I realized that the name of the station that broadcasts the show is Fox, just like the first name of my character Fox Mulder. Coincidence? I thought so too but this was only the beginning.

Really?

Absolutely. Fox is short for Fox Broadcasting Company which itself is subsidiary of Fox Entertainment Group which is owned by 21st Century Fox, which also owns Endemol whose biggest hit was Big Brother. Big Brother was also the name that George Orwell gave to the system of mass suveillance perpetrated by the totalitarian regime of his dystopian novel 1984. You still thing this is all a coincidence?

I don’t believe it.

The whole kit and caboodle is owned by Rupert Murdoch a registered alien.

I thought he was Australian.

Wake up, Exec! Don’t you see what’s going on? Murdoch owns the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Harper Collins, he even owns National Geographic Magazine for crying out loud! He was involved in case of phone hacking in the UK where his newspapers were found to be lousey with the practice.

Normally I’d say you’re crazy but you talk with that weirdly convincing nasal drone.

I have adenoids! Murdoch is without doubt one of the most powerfull men on the planet. He has a mass media empire that is rumored to be worth trillions. He makes and breaks governments, Presidents and Prime Ministers. And I know for a fact that he is behind the X-Files. Especially the most recent episodes whcih have gone away from extra-terrestial explanations to a shadowy conspiracy of government agencies. This is none other than the same bilge he’s been shoveling in his Fox News Channel, designed to make us cynical and despairing and ready for the next populist who comes along with a half decent haircut and the ability to rant in a nasal drone.

Wait, you have a nasal drone!

That’s right buster. I’m the one. I’m the new overlord. I’m going to take over and then it’ll be red shoe diaries 24/7.

The new X-Files are on.

 

HAYAO MIYAZAKI’S LAST FILM ‘NOTHING TO DO WITH FARTING’

TOKYO – Hayao Miyazaki responded angrily last night to rumors that his last film, the Oscar nominated The Wind Rises, was ‘all about farting’.

The 83 year old maestro of Japanese animation said:

This is a disgrace. This is a serious film, a summation of my life’s work and a testament to the powers of the imagination and yet this so called website The Studio Exec is making cheap bottom woof jokes at its expense. It is utterly unforgivable. 

The Studio Exec published the news in an article simultaneously with this article that you’re currently reading. The world of Hollywood was enraged by the suggestion and Ben Affleck rushed to the defence of the film maker.  

‘Miyazaki is a master at what he does,’ said Batman. ‘By all means take shots at me. I’m a bit of a hack. But Miyazaki is an artist deserving of respect.’

The Studio Exec was unavailable for comment.

DISNEY BUY MIYAZAKI REMAKE RIGHTS

TOKYO – Beloved Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki announced today that he has sold the rights of all his films to the Disney Company.

Miyazaki – whose latest film The Wind Rises has been nominated for a best animation Oscar – said today that he believed that Disney would be the perfect company to retell his stories for Western audiences.

The Maestro of Studio Ghibli told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY: 

My films are works of supreme imagination. They are flights of fancy with characters who I hold close to my heart and treasure as dear to me as my oldest friends. But – on the other hand – Disney have lots of money and they’re willing to give quite a bit of a it to me. It’s a no-brainer.

The news was met with dismay by Peter Berklidge, an adult man who actually cares about what normal people call ‘cartoons’.

The universe of Miyazaki and that of Walt Disney are utterly different. They’re like Country and Western and Gangsta Rap. They should not be mixed. We’re talking about a major upset in the very fabric of reality.  

However, a spokesperson for Disney said:

I find it outrageous that anyone can find this move anything other than wonderful. It’s like you haven’t even watched Saving Mr Banks! Did you learn nothing from Tom Hanks?

 We asked whether there would be any significant changes? 

Not at all. No I don’t think so. The first film is going to be based on My Neighbor Totoro and Elton John is doing the music, Phil Collins is singing. Jack Black will do the voices. The weird Shinto stuff is all going. We’ll just put a loosely veiled Christian symbolism in there. And we might use some material from elsewhere to tie it in and puff the story a bit which is a bit weak. But no. It’ll will honor the Miyazaki spirit. 

Totoro and Stitch will be released in 2015.