HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has tweeted what many are interpreting as a cry for help directly to the Studio Exec Twitter account.
It’s been a tough week for Kanye West. Begging Tweets to Mark Zuckerberg, there’s talk about Son of Pablo being a bit m’eh, and finally not interrupting Taylor Swift at the Grammys, which now looks like a bad move given her passive aggressive motivational speech. So of course the Studio Exec has had some fun on his behalf as well, spreading joy in the world and making everyone happy and full of life-affirming joy.
But now Kanye has sent a tweet specifically calling the Exec out and pleading with us to peace up. Now, the Exec might be one of the most acerbic, satiric, hilarious, popular, hugely endowed, creative, imaginative, sexually athletic… I’ve lost my point. Anyway, Kanye, you called, we answered. We will hold off the satiric dogs until you get your house in order. On top of that, we’re also sending you a Postal Order for $37. I hope this helps. If you don’t need to use it straight away, you can put it in your war chest for your presidential election campaign. We have coupons as well.
Another tweet from his account referenced a story we did some time ago.
HOLLYWOOD – Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul creator Vince Gilligan has announced his new project, a TV show based on the Studio Exec.
Vince Gilligan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec (who else?) about the project:
This is going to be the darkest thing I’ve ever done. When I first thought up Breaking Bad, I pitched it as Mr. Chips becomes Scarface. Well, this is more like Scarface becomes … I don’t know, but something a lot worse than Scarface by gum!
Can you give us an idea of the plot?
Sure. I mean broad strokes. The Studio Exec is a Hollywood producer with deep ties to the Colombian cartels…
He’s a dealer?
No, but he has a loyalty card. He gets into trouble when he starts to make a movie about Pablo Escobar starring Benicio del Toro. His dealers are none too pleased by the portrayal of a man they consider a local hero and so some how the Studio Exec must square them, make the movie, deal with a difficult star and at the same time come to terms with the fact that his daughter wants to marry Val Kilmer.
You’ve been reading my f*cking diary!
I’m ashamed to say I have.
Breaking Exec will be broadcast in the Fall.
HOLLYWOOD – The twitter account known to the world as @MysteryExec was taken down today and it is understood that Emile Hirsche will be questioned.
The star of such films as Into the Wild and Milk Emile Hirsche is not a suspect, a police spokesperson was eager to point out.
We don’t even know if there is a crime here. An anonymous twitter account has been taken down and it is believed the account holder was a studio exec of some description. However, Mr. Hirsche did plead guilty to assaulting a studio exec in another totally unrelated situation and so we thought it wise to eliminate him from our investigations.
So Emile Hirsche is now locked up somewhere?
No, he’s currently… hey where are you going?
The Studio Exec will be in an undisclosed location for the rest of the Summer.
HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.
Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.
Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.
Yeah. I know.
How did it feel being fired?
Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.
Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.
I’m kidding. I kid.
Not funny, Amy.
Okay so I’m already fitting in.
Hey hurtful. Not cool.
There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.
Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.
Okay, okay, gotcha.
So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?
It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.
Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com
As of today, The Studio Exec will only be carrying serious movie news to bring it into line with other film blogs available on the internet. Serious news will include trailer reviews, box office reports, top tens of the best film inspired cheeses, essays about on set photographs, sequels, comic book franchises, posters, publicity, DVD and blu-ray stuff, interviews with actors, directors, associate producers, gaffers, ADs, cinematographers and critics.
Please vote what features you would like to see more of in the new improved version of the The Studio Exec.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec is sick and tired of the bull crap that passes for screenplays in this town.
Not to mention all the messages and emails about screenplays that assholes have written and they have the audacity to ask the Exec to put on his bifocals and actually ingest this sopping filth. So he – in his fifteen percent wisdom – has decided to give all you aspiring Barton Finks some simple rules for you to follow.
- Have a story to tell you really don’t care about. Horrible things are going to happen to that story so it’s better you ain’t too invested. Never write about something that happened to you. You are really boring. Don’t make me fucking tell you. Use the Glen L Larson approach, copy something you like from film for a TV show or you like on television and put it in a feature format.
- Remember the three act structure and the character arc and denouements and stuff. Not for when you’re writing but for when you’re talking about writing.
- Originality is a cancer. Stamp it out from the very get go. Clichés are your bread and butter. Traffic cops only stop cars with bodies in the trunk. Funerals happen in the rain. Couples walk and talk in parks. When your protagonist is undecided have him sit in view of a bridge. Anger should be expressed by trashing a desk or punching the steering wheel. If someone’s a recovering alcoholic in Act One, they have to go on a bender in Act Three (that’s Chekov!)
- Give up on your dreams. Accept that statistically you’re never going to make it. All that bull crap about persistence and never giving up on your dream is horse shit. 99% don’t make it regardless of persistence and never giving up on your dreams. If you enjoy the process, good for you, otherwise it ain’t worth the butt ache.
- Finally, don’t send it to me. Believe me, we tolerate agents because they’re only slightly less odious pits of scum than writers. They’re filters. They man the barricades. Get yourself a good one and he can break my balls so you don’t have to.
Oh and put a colon in the middle of your title so we think you’re on to a franchise. Now, get out of my Goddam face!
Established in 2012, the Studio Exec is a satirical movie based website, publishing spoof news, reviews and comedy masterpieces.
Our work has been reported internationally and we have been directly responsible for three marital breakups, the sacking of fifteen copy editors and the devaluation of the word ‘satire.’
We do use profanity so if you’re under 18 go away.
If you wish to advertise with us or give us free money the email address is email@example.com and if you wish to contribute ideas, articles or give us free money the email address is firstname.lastname@example.org but if you wish to sue us or otherwise try to hurt us then the email address is email@example.com
‘If you’re gonna make shit up about me, at least do it with the
imagination of Studio Exec’
The two contributing editors prefer to remain anonymous for the sake of maintaining personal and professional relationships.
HOLLYWOOD – It is disgusting that many people have been attacked as a result of this website.
So many indeed that some have decided to wear t-shirts claiming their innocence of any involvement. While it’s obvious that we do not want to claim to be Nelson Mandela, Gandhi or Salman Rushdie, if you force us to extremes we will adopt exactly that kind of mantle.
Studio Exec is a beacon for truth and hope in an otherwise depressing miasma of falsehood and mendacity (Long Hot Summer), all lies and mendacity. If you wish to support us against Ayatollahs of good taste and accuracy, then please help us. Otherwise, you know, whatever.