WELLINGTON – After the underwhelming response to part one of The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson has confirmed to the Studio Exec that he is cancelling the remaining two parts with immediate effect.

We caught up with Jackson in his Wellington office to ask why he is abandoning the project.
Mr Jackson. Why have you decided to cease production on The Hobbit?
Oh it’s just so boring. I was about to film another bloody walking through the woods scene when I thought, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers and I stopped all the cameras and sent everyone home.’
That sounds like a rash move. Surely you are under obligation to show people who saw the first film what happens next?
If they want to know what happens next then they can go down to the library and borrow the book. It’s only short, you could read it on the toilet in one sitting.
So why did you decide to make a trilogy. Why not condense it into one long feature?
That’s what I wanted to do but the studio decided it could triple the box office and after I pissed a load of money up the wall making The Lovely Bones, they had me by the balls.
So what’s changed. Surely you’ve signed a contract to produce three films?

I did and I have no doubt this is going to ruin me me both professionally and financially but if it’s a choice between that and spending another minute looking at Martin Freeman’s hamster face. I’d rather be broke and unemployable.

What about the next installment of the TinTin series. Aren’t you signed on to direct?
I was but the studio fired me. I hear Guy Richie is doing it now. TinTin and the Cockney Slags I believe it’s called.
And what next for you?
I’m going to sell everything I own and remake The Lovely Bones. I want to get it right this time.
Sounds like a bold move. How will it differ from your first attempt.
I’m going back to basics. This time I’m going to do it all on hand held camera with puppets and there will be a graphic 30 minute molestation and murder scene. It’s going to make A Serbian Filmlook like The Little Mermaid.
Exciting stuff. Thanks for the interview.


LONDON – After filming A.I. and then the announcement of the production of Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon script as a mini-series, Steven Spielberg has now announced he’s moving into Stanley Kubrick‘s house in Hertfordshire, near St. Albans.

‘I’ll be dressing up in his clothes,’ said Hook director Steven Spielberg. ‘I’d grow a beard like his as well, but I’ve already got one.’

Childwickbury Manor was Kubrick’s home from the late seventies on, as well as the nerve centre for his film making. Stanley Kubrick’s widow – Christiane – said that it was nice to have a little bit of company, even if, at first, she had been a little put out by the Empire of the Sun director’s sudden uninvited intrusion.

He loved Stanley so I know it all comes from a good place, but he’s been digging in the garden and I’m not entirely sure why.

Mr. Spielberg’s declared intention to make Kubrick’s unfilmed Napoleonic epic into a mini-series was greeted by a massive heat wave in Australia, with devastating bush fires and droughts.


HOLLYWOOD – In alarming news for Star Wars fans everywhere, Chewbacca – the large walking carpet as he prefers to be known – ruled himself out of any participation in the new Disney run Star Wars sequel Episode 7. ‘It’s a blatant cash grab,’ said the Wookie. ‘And frankly I have better things to do with my time.’

Chewbacca retired from acting in 1993 after his character’s scenes were axed from Schindler’s List.

‘When that happened I was devastated,’ says Chewie. ‘I had really seen this as an opportunity not to be typecast and to do something with a little more heft, but Steven said that it wasn’t fitting to the period or tone of the piece. Well, fine but he could have made that decision earlier and saved me six months of hard work.’

Since retiring from acting, Chewbacca has pursued a variety of failed business ventures and botched career changes:

I was a golf pro at a Palm Springs course, but then I had to leave because of … ahem … indiscretions. Then I opened my own series of Korean themed fast food restaurants called Chewie’s Chews; you heard of them? No? I’m not surprised. They were open a week before we got closed down. 

Always seen as the loose canon of the Star Wars cast, Chewbacca is unforgiving in his assessments of the other alumni from a galaxy far, far away, recently causing outrage when he commented: ‘Hamill’ll do anything for a peanut butter sandwich.’

‘I wish them all the luck in the world, but at the moment I have my Zumba club to concentrate on,’ Chewie said, before giving us his trade mark arrghghhghhwargghgh.  


HOLLYWOOD – The bad boys of middlebrow cinema, the Coen Brothers, launched a scathing attack against Ben Affleck today during an interview with French culture magazine Chapeau.

‘That asshole stole our movie and he’s gonna pay with his nut,’ they said in unison in a The Shining way that they’ve perfected over the years. ‘His film Argo was clearly a rip off of our film and when we get our hands on him he’s gonna be shy a nut. We’re going to take it off with pliers.’

It appears that the Hudsucker Proxies (as they prefer to be known) were labouring under the false impression that Affleck’s Argo was essentially a remake of Fargo. Joel – the more coherent of the two – flew solo on this one:  

Mr Potato Head

Mr. Potato head thinks he can do anything just because he used to dingle Beyonce or someone. Well, he can’t. Remaking our film and then just taking a letter off the beginning of the title to try and throw us has never worked. Look how we fucked up Spielberg after he tried to make Arton Fink. We broke William Friedkin’s arm when he was planning a script Brother, Where Art Thou?

Ethan continued:

We’re only gonna take the one nut, because the other one’s there as an insurance for good behaviour. 

Matt Damon – who is widely believed to be the origin of the rumour – looked shaken and tried to explain himself. ‘I thought the guys would watch the movie, see that it was obviously not Fargo and realise I’d been pulling their leg. What I didn’t realise was how heavily these guys are into crystal meth. They sat through the whole screening facing the wrong direction and basically saw their film against the blank wall opposite the screen.’


Me and Danny

Resident inebriate and charmer, Sir Edwin Fluffer gives us a fascinating insight into the making of the years most popular films.

This was quite simply the finest ensemble cast I’ve had the honour to appear with since Hollywood Canteen. I was very taken aback when the phone rang and I answered it to none other than Steven Spielberg! ‘Is that Sir Tom Courtenay?’ he said. ‘No,’ I replied, ‘it’s Sir Edwin Fluffer.’ ‘You’ll do,’ he said and I was on set the very next day! Of course this meant there was no time to rehearse and my performance may have suffered a little as a result.

Two bottles of champagne on the flight over and some terrible jet lag the next day didn’t help much either.  If I had to describe Daniel Day-Lewis as an actor I’d use the word ‘fussy’, but his father was a friend and his limericks did make me laugh. It all went wrong when Tommy Lee Jones bet me $20 that I couldn’t throw a peanut and get it to land on Danny’s top hat. Hal Holbrook was brought in to re-shoot all my scenes, so it was like Into The Wild all over again!


HOLLYWOOD – On a breakfast visit to the set of Lincoln and Daniel Day-Lewis is sat in the corner in full costume eating biscuits and gravy with a side order of cornbread. I was about to go over and say hello when Spielberg pulled me to one side. “ I’m worried about Daniel “ he said. “ He hasn’t spoke to anybody for the last three days he just comes into the cafeteria, orders the same meal and sits there reading the bible until it’s time to clock off and we’re way behind schedule”.

I told Steven I’d have a quiet word with him and so I sauntered over to his table and offered him a handshake. “ Mr Lincoln” I said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Day-Lewis looked up at me, put down his knife and fork and shook my hand “And it’s a pleasure to meet you Sir. Won’t you join me for breakfast?”

 I sat down, ordered coffee and he rambled on about emancipation and battle tactics. I played along as you have to when he’s fully absorbed in his character. I remember on the set of ‘In The Name of the Father’ I spent an entire week with him planning an assassination attempt on the British Royal Family. We even went as far as procuring a pound of Semtex and making a replica model of Buckingham Palace before he finally snapped out of it.”

I could tell he’d got a lot worse since back then though. P.T. Anderson had told me that during the filming of ‘There Will be Blood’ Lewis had drank half a pint of crude oil every morning.

I used to a have a lot of time for method actors. When De Niro said he wanted to go to Italy and eat 10 pizza’s a day to bulk up to play Jake LaMotta I said no problem. When Mick Rourke asked me if I could get him some Virgins to sacrifice to prepare for his role in ‘Angel Heart’ I didn’t even raise an eyebrow but the older I’ve got, the less tolerant I’ve become. Not only that but I like to keep Spielberg sweet just in case I ever require the services of a Mossad hit man.

I listened to Day-Lewis for another 20 minutes or so but halfway through his recital of the Gettysburg address I grabbed his fork and stabbed him right through his hand into the wooden table.

“ Listen you stupid bastard “ I said as he cried out in pain. “ You’re costing us a hundred thousand a day with this bullshit and I don’t give a rats ass how many Oscars you’ve won. If you don’t get in front of that camera and do you job within the next hour. The next time you see yourself on screen you’ll be playing Seth Rogans submissive gay partner in a Judd Apatow re-imaging of ‘The 120 days of Sodom’.”

I got up and went to take a piss leaving Day Lewis weeping at the table like a stood up school girl on prom night. When I returned he was laughing and joking with the crew and talking over the next scene with Spielberg. I was going to go over and apologise but I didn’t want to ruin their flow so I snook out the back door and climbed into the waiting limo.

The next day I got a 40 year old bottle of scotch delivered to me with a note from Steven that simply said “I owe you one”. He didn’t. I was just doing my job but it’s good to know that if you ever require the services of an  Israeli assassination squad; As you do in this business from time to time. One is but a short phone call away.


Famous and accomplished film director, Steven Spielberg has come under attack from Princeton University history professor Dr. Marcus Grumble who claims in his new book Copycat: How Spielberg Robbed History that the 1941 filmmaker stole the story lines of many of his most famous films from reality.
Dr. Grumble even goes so far as to claim that Oscar winning masterpiece Schindler’s List is nothing more than a copy of stuff that actually happened, but with actors pretending to be people who they are really not.
Speaking in the pipe smoke filled office in the leafy confines of frosty academia, Grumble said:

He is a very good film director and I though – when I began my book – a wholly original one. Space aliens and archaeologists whipping people, and what have you. It was to my horror that I discovered that the story behind Schindler’s List was almost entirely taken from reality and Oscar Schindler did in fact exist and save Jews etc. Spielberg even has the audacity to put the real people at the end of his film walking beside the actors. Talk about hiding in plain sight. 

Continuing his investigation, Grumble noticed also that the D-Day landings were an actual event and not a Hollywood set piece devised by Spielberg to show off his new shaky camera. Likewise, he can confirm that Lincoln is not a fictional character and did indeed emancipate the slaves.

The more I dug the more I found out what a fraud and copier Spielberg was. He makes up very little. Amistad? True event. Catch Me If You Can? True story. Munich? Actually happened. Jurassic Park? True. It’s almost as if he’s taking real life stuff, and somehow reproducing it in a dramatic form with people who pretend to be real people who really lived. Spielberg, or Steal-berg as I call him, is no more than a plagiarist of history.

Steven Spielberg refused to be interviewed thus proving everything Dr. Grumble said to be entirely true.


SAN FRANCISCO – Film director, Steven Spielberg admitted today that one of his dinosaurs is missing.

The dinosaurs that were being kept on an isolated island in the Pacific by his new BFF Peter Jackson, while Spielberg made up his mind whether or not to make Jurassic Park 4

Toby Turns, animal handler, criticised the bearded Duel director saying, ‘They were just lumped together and allowed to roam free. There were holes they could fall down. Not natural holes, mind. Pete Jackson would helicopter in at the weekend and dig them himself. I mean I say holes, they were more like traps.’

A shamefaced Spielberg said that he leant Terry Malick a couple of dinosaurs but hadn’t been able to get the reclusive director on the phone: ‘He isn’t even answering his Facebook messages.’

The dinosaur – a Velociraptor – is said to be ‘dangerous-ish’ and that if seen: ‘it’s probably too late the two either side of you are going to get you anyway.’

Jurassic World is to be released in 2015.


Brioche, espresso e succo di arancia  

I met Danny Day-Lewis in Florence, Italy where he works in a small shoe repair shop between movie jobs. We shuffled unnoticed through the arcades to a busy bar near his shop: Negozio di scarpe di Dannio Day-Lewisio. He’s in a cheerful mood after Lincoln: ‘it was a hoot,’ he says. ‘Emancipating and rocking the beard. By a mix up I got the wrong script and so I spent three months hunting vampires in preparation until Steven told me there had been a mix up.’

You’ve always chosen your roles very carefully. What made you choose to do Lincoln?

True. With the exception of Nine. For that role Rob Marshall just got me very drunk, mixed in a bit of Spanish Fly and put in a room with some pigs for two days and some high definition video equipment. I had to do it then. But Lincoln was a no brainer, especially after the theatre scene: Ha ha ha!  

You’re famous for your preparation. What did you do to prepare for this role?

Well, first of all I had to emancipate some slaves. How do you do that in this day and age? I thought, but luckily Steven has his own plantation he’s been keeping because of some legal loophole, something to do with taxes (read more about this horrifying story here), and he let me go over there and liberate some. You know just to get a feel for it.

And the voice?

That was a challenge. I mean how did Lincoln speak? I meditated on this for literally minutes and then I decided, fuck it I’ll just pretend.

What’s next? 

I’d like to do some sequels. I’ve got a script that I’ve written with Jim Sheridan called My Right Foot about what happened to Christy Brown later in life. And with Michael Mann I’ve been talking about a sequel to The Last of the Mohicans called That’s it! The Mohicans Have All Gone. No one seems that interested but it doesn’t matter I’ve got my shoe repair business here. And Florence is a nice city, or as Dante would say, A-Firenze it’s-a nice-a city-a, shudduppa your face!

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


HOLLYWOOD – Director Steven Spielberg announced earlier today that he has a script for a film based on the recent US elections – and he’ll start pre-production in the new year.

Spielberg, whose Lincoln biopic is due for release on November 16th,  also confirmed that he has his cast in place, and is considering shooting in the 3D format.

We caught up with Steven at his retreat in Martha’s Vineyard.

Mr Spielberg. Surely everyone is sick to their back teeth of the elections. Why make a film?

I don’t think people know the real story behind this election and I consider it my duty as an artist to reveal the wizards behind the curtain.


I don’t mean actual Wizards they’re all too busy working overtime onThe Hobbit.

So what do you mean.Are you saying the Klu Klux Klan influenced the elections?

No, I was referencing The Wizard of Oz.

Oh I see. You mean the film with James Franco which is out next year?

No, I mean the 1939 Victor Flemming version starring Judy Garland.

Sorry, it doesn’t ring any bells. So who are these ‘Wizards’ – as you call them?

You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out.

I’d rather know now if you don’t mind.

Well, let’s just say there were invisible forces pulling the strings in the background and they tried, but ultimately failed, to get Mitt Romney elected.

Invisible forces? Wizards lingering behind drapes? Apologies Steven but this all sounds preposterous.

It might seem far fetched but trust me – when you see the film all will become clear.

Can’t you just clear it up now? I’m doing an interview with Adam Samberg in 30 minutes.


Ah. Well why didn’t you just say so that’s perfectly plausible. Anyway, who is in your cast?

Mel Gibson will play Romney and Robert Downey Jnr will play Obama.

I understand the casting of Downey Jnr, he was born to play the role, but Mel Gibson?!

What’s wrong with Mel he’s a very talented actor?
Sure, but aren’t you offended by his anti-Semitic beliefs? You being a gentleman of Jewish persuasion and all.

Oh that old business. Look, I believe a man should have a second chance and Mel was suffering with an alcohol dependency at the time. Forgive and forget I say.

That’s a very noble attitude. What if he goes on another of his rants?

If he does then I’ll click my fingers and a Mossad assassin will execute him forthwith. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Ah good. Okay, Steven that about wraps it up. Just one more question. What do you think of George Lucas’ billion-dollar Disney deal which will effectively make him the most powerful man in the industry. Are you pleased about your old friends success, or are you angered that you are destined to live in his gargantuan shadow for the rest of your life?



HOLLYWOOD – When Steven Spielberg announced that Liam Neeson had dropped out of the Lincoln project – switching from a diet of ham to wolf – Daniel Day-Lewis seemed like dream casting.

However, some of his closest friends and advisers worried that the actor’s famous commitment to the METHOD might prove dangerous in the case of America’s 16th President.

Now Studio Exec can exclusively reveal some of the preparations, The Left Foot – as he prefers to be known –  went through in order to create the most convincing portrayal:

  • DDL grew a beard that covered the chin area and his jaw line but was careful (and this is the important part) not to grow a mustache. He didn’t shave it you understand: he didn’t grow it by an act of pure will.    
  • DDL emancipated the slaves at Steven Spielberg’s plantation in Montana, which he had kept there illegally since the mid-seventies. For more on the story click HERE.
  • DDL texted co-star Sally Fields signing himself, Abe which historian Diane Goodwin-Keane says is exactly how the real Abraham Lincoln signed off when he was texting his wife (though he used a Nokia).
  • To prepare for one of the most difficult scenes in the movie, DDL had himself shot in the back of the head repeatedly for a week in order to develop muscle memory. The stunt coordinator Jimmy Phelps used a revolver and bullets trues to the period.

THE WAR IS OVER: Michael Bay captured by Sean Penn

WASHINGTON -President Obama gave a press conference this morning, confirming reports that Sean Penn has seized Michael Bay, and the director no longer poses a threat to America or it’s allies.

“I got a call from Sean late last night,” said a sanguine Obama, “He only said four words to me – ‘We got him chief’ – and the line went dead. Later, I found out his I-Phone had run out of battery power.”

The president went on to reveal the details of Penn’s daring dawn raid on Bay’s position.

“A CIA operative received a tip off that Bay was located in a KFC in down town Hanoi, where he was posing as a deputy manager. Penn entered the premises unarmed and ordered a Zinger tower meal with a Sprite and gravy side. Bay immediately recognized Sean and tried to bolt for the door, but when he paused to punch out his shift card, Sean managed to subdue him and slap on the handcuffs.”

The news of Bay’s capture had an immediate knock-on-effect in the presidential polls and Obama is now odds-on to win a second term. Mitt Romney, who previously suggested the government should nuke Vietnam in order to end Bay’s reign of terror, admitted he was “Pleased the threat had been neutralized.”, but added, “I’m still convinced we should have dropped the bomb. I mean, what’s the point of having nuclear weapons if we don’t use them?”

Bay is currently on a plane bound for Guantanamo Bay were he will be interrogated by Steven Spielberg who is said to be “Pissed.” that Bay abandoned work on Transformers 4 to invade Vietnam and was overheard exclaiming “I can’t wait to get my hands on that prick. I want my f*cking Dinobots!”

Although Bay’s apprehension officially brings an end to the conflict, the US government is yet to declare what they intend to do about John Milius, who is rumored to be located up the Nung River in Cambodia where he has gathered a band of devoted acolytes and declared himself “Warrior King.”

“We know Milius is out there waiting.”, said an anonymous Pentagon insider, “And it’s only matter of time before we send one of our own to take him down.”


Bran, fruit, hot milk, Heidegger, Jaegermeister and coco-pops

Terry Malick famously doesn’t give interviews, but he does eat breakfast, and Studio Exec was invited over to Malick HQ to break bread with the great man during magic hour and finally ask him some questions. He was out on the heli-pad waving flares even though I’d told him on the phone I would be arriving by car. He threw the flare into a sand bucket and then, breaking open a bottle of Jaegermeister, grabbed me in a head lock and rubbed the top of my head with his knuckles. “Hey my man!”, he barked, “You bring a camera?”
To my surprise, Terry was very disappointed that I hadn’t brought a camera. “I wanted you to take my photo. They keep using that one of me wearing that big hat – I look like a f*cking dufus.”

I assured him we would use a different one as we went into the house and down the spiral staircase (like a seashell, or a Spanish cathedral, or a fractal drawing of the universe) to the kitchen. The Jaegermeister was gone. “Do you want some coco-pops?”, he asked, “Or bran? What do you want? Who are you? Are you there? What are you that wants breakfast? Two ways of eating breakfast: the way of fiber and the way of taste? Who are you to ask for breakfast? Have you seen the glory? It was here somewhere. The glory? Near the little bowl where I keep my keys, maybe.”

Terry seemed to drift off and indeed was soon wandering about the house, inspecting the microscopic movement of bacteria or glancing out the window at the flaring sun. I asked him how his latest film To the Wonder had come about.

“I was talking to Ben Affleck and the 007 girl and I got them to run about a bit. Buffaloes in a field, birds take flight, the sun glimpsed through the sudden flash of water. Who are we? What are we? Who cares? Threw it all together and hey presto! Classic!”

And you are currently working on Knight of the Cups?

Temptation, celebrity, excess. Yes.

With Christian Bale and…

Everybody on the planet. I got everybody who I could. You hear the phrase open casting call. I mean I know, right now I know, I’m not going to use half of these people, not even a tenth. You see I write a script like a novel, a really great novel. They read it and they say yes. Then I throw the script out. Throw it the fuck out and get them to walk around beaches, deserts, forests looking confused. Some Arvo Part, a little Gorecki, who knows, a dinosaur even. Bang! Classic! Malick in the house!


There’s always got to be a river. Every single film there’s a river. Badlands, The Thin Red Line – that fucker Spielberg and his Saving Private Ryan bullshit – Days of Heaven, The New World and The Tree of Life. River, river, river. You ever see that Redford film, A River Runs Through It? That was Bobby’s homage to me. Oh, and a fire and a bird cage.

Terry slumps worn out with all his thinking and bleary eyed with the liqueur. He naps for a few minutes, and then resumes his musing:

And you know, why do we do this? Is there a God? Who is the power? The power that draws us on? What is it at the heart of nature? Where do we come from? Who are you?  

I like it. Philosophical inquiry, like Heidegger?

No, I mean who the fuck are you? Have you come to install my cable? Terry has to have his wrestling

No, I’m Chad. We spoke on the phone. 

But Terry had lost interest he had opened another bottle of Jaegermeister and was setting off flares in the back garden, screaming ‘I see the glory!” at the top of his lungs. On my way out I spoke to Pedro ,his PA, and expressed my disappointment at the interview. “Such a wasted opportunity.”, I said, “He only gives one interview in three decades…”

“What are you talking about?”, Pedro said, “He gives tonnes of interviews, but they’re all like this so no one uses them.”

At last in Studio Exec, Terry had met an outlet with absolutely no standards whatsoever.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has angrily asserted that Steven Spielberg is a disgrace to the directing profession and should have his cap taken off him and given to someone ‘who won’t lose it up his ass.’

The rant was provoked by the news which broke yesterday that Steven Spielberg has been a slave owner since the late Seventies, owning over two hundred Vietnamese slaves in a plantation in Dakota.

‘I’ve always admired Stevie,’ said Four Rooms co-director, flapping his hands in the air. ‘Always, always. Duel and 1941 oh and Always are some of the finest films I’ve ever seen. But Spielberg has been drifting to the right for years now. First of all with his Young Hitler picture Munich which I didn’t see out of protest and now the news that he actually owns slaves.’

Tarantino – who is working on his biopic of Jazz legend Django Riendhart entitled Django Unchained  – says that the slavery issue is very close to his heart. ‘I’ve always wanted to have slaves myself,’ Tarantino said. ‘Hey I’m no puritan. I understand that Spielberg wants to be able to kill people with impunity and get them to do whatever he wants. But there are limits.’

When Studio Exec challenged Tarantino about his friend Kurt Russell who is a vocal defender of slavery, the Dawn to Dusk ‘actor’ got quite irate  ‘Kurt is a great friend and an artist who I admire very much. What he does with human beings who he had bought at market with Goldie Hawn’s money is entirely his business.’

Isn’t that exactly true of Spielberg also then?

‘Yes,’ said Mr T (as he prefers to be known). ‘Yes. I suppose it is. Okay. Forget everything I just said. Let’s talk about my picture where’s the reset button on this thing.’

Django Unchained will be followed by The Hateful Eight.