GEORGE LUCAS IS HOMELESS

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars creator George Lucas has hit hard times after signing over the rights to his beloved franchise to Disney.

Lucas, who has been living in a dumpster off Sunset Boulevard for the last 6 months blames himself for his descent into poverty:

I made a billion dollars by selling the rights to Star Wars but I made some bad investments and got ripped off. This guy offered to sell me the Planet Venus and I handed him most of my fortune. Turns out he didn’t own Venus but how was I supposed to know? His You Tube video was very convincing.

Not only was Lucas bankrupt he also found himself homeless:

The Skywalker ranch was all I had left but J.J. Abrams turned up one day with a fleet of moving trucks and a security guard and threw me out on the street. Apparently it was in the small print that whoever is running the franchise gets the ranch. I wouldn’t mind but my wife is still living there. She’s quite taken by him.

Asked if he was excited about the release of the episode seven trailer tomorrow, Lucas started crying:

I bought a can of gasoline and a box of matches with the last of my money. As soon as the trailer is released I’m going to set fire to myself outside Mann’s Chinese theatre. This world has been cruel to me and I want to go to a galaxy far, far away.

The Studio Exec contacted Steven Spielberg to ask him if was aware of his friends plight and the celebrated director was shocked by Lucas’ current situation:

 I said to George he could come and live in my dumpster and the offer still stands.

DR. STRANGELOVE THE DIRECTOR’S CUT TO BE RELEASED

HOLLYWOOD – Stanley Kubrick’s Cold War masterpiece Dr. Stangelove (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) is to be re-released in a new version which will include the famous custard pie fight ending, cut from the original theatrical release.

The Kubrick Estate said that the film has been painstakingly pieced together and digitally remastered.

A spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This has been the work of several years and has taken experts from all over the world, including the participation of famous directors and fans of Stanley like Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese.

How can you be sure that this is the version Kubrick wanted the world to see?

A lot of people think of Stanley Kubrick now as the master manipulator, the man who controlled every aspect of his film’s production., The answer however is a little more prosaic. Often Stanley was in two minds about a creative decision and if he could have I believed he would have released both versions of the film. Look at The Shining which he dramatically edited when the longer version didn’t play well. So now we have the opportunity of showing the film with the custard pie scene intact, I think he would be pleased with the idea. Plus he liked making money as well.

What other changes are there?

Peter Sellers played the part of the pilot Major ‘King’ Kong until an accident meant he had to give up the extra role. However we have some footage of him doing some of the early scenes and Stanley also recorded his line reading of the whole script so we’ve put back those scenes and we’ve CGIed Peter Seller’s head onto Slim Pickens’ body for the scenes he didn’t do. So now we have Sellers as Mandrake, the President, Dr. Strangelove and Maj. Kong.

Anything else?

Yes. Kanye West has recorded a completely new soundtrack, supervised by Nicolas Refn Winding.

Dr. Strangelove (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) will be released on Blu-ray on Friday and will be in a limited theatrical release across the country.

 

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON TO STAR IN SPIELBERG’S ‘UNCLE BEN’

HOLLYWOOD – With no movie slated for release for the foreseeable future, Steven Spielberg has turned his attention back to his long term passion project Uncle Ben, based on the popular parboiled rice product.

Continue reading “SAMUEL L. JACKSON TO STAR IN SPIELBERG’S ‘UNCLE BEN’”

ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE CURES DISEASE AND BRINGS WORLD PEACE

HOLLYWOOD – Assorted celebrities and do gooders were feeling very pleased with themselves today as news came in that the Ice Bucket Challenge had succeeded in curing a number of previously incurable diseases, eliminating famine and bringing world peace to the benighted regions of the world.

Bill Gates pointed to the results that the #IceBucketChallenge have accrued as answers some critics who claimed it was yet another example of Slacktivism:

I didn’t invent Microsoft by sitting around moaning all day about not having invented Microsoft. No far from it. I had to get up and do it. Likewise people have been going on for years about how terrible cancer, leukaemia and leprosy are but it wasn’t until a bunch of rich people poured buckets of ice water over their heads that all these diseases were finally cured. The same with the Gaza strip. There was a hellish amount of violence going on then Steven Spielberg gives himself the old ice shampoo and whoosh, peace descends.

Robert Downey Jr admitted he was frankly amazed by the efficacy of the viral craze:

Initially I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun. I love having a joke and not taking things to seriously, like acting and what not. But when the incidence of child mortality plummeted and then George Clooney phoned up and told me the Sudan was sorted and all because of me and my little ice bucket.

However, some have admitted there are limits to the powers of the Ice Bucket. Hugh Jackman told the Studio Exec:

It only works if the person doused is adequately famous. Mike Myers has been drenching himself on a daily basis but alas Aids is still with us.

Ice Bucket Challenge: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.

KRULL: NEGLECTED MASTERPIECE

 HOLLYWOOD – Film makers from all over the globe have added their voices to a growing tsunami of public opinion demanding that 1983 British fantasy film Krull be elevated to the status of Best Film of All Time.

 Michael Haneke even staged a protest at the Oscars on Sunday, refusing to speak in his usual pristine Oxford accent and instead pretending to be German: ‘It went over their heads,’ he later complained.

Steven Spielberg – making his first public pronouncement after having become the President of the Jury at Cannes – reviled film programmers everywhere for neglecting a film he rates as ‘Better than Lawrence of Arabia, but not quite as good as Red Sonja.’

Dissident Chinese artist Ai Weiweiweiwie tweeted: ‘Without #Krull, Rien!’ And noted Slovakian philosopher Slavoj Zizek argued in his essay ‘The Glaive: a five pronged phallus!’ that Krull ‘shits on Vertigo FROM A HEIGHT!’

The popularity of the film however has also provoked a backlash from Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane. ‘I’m in it,’ said Neeson to express his argument against the film’s rediscovery.

The list of powerful advocates now includes Matt Damon (a self-professed Krull-ite), Ben Affleck (who thanked Krull just after Canada) and  the prestigious British Film Institute which has promised to screen it ‘some time in the next five minutes’.

STEVEN SPIELBERG’S SNAKE BITE ADVICE

 HOLLYWOOD – ‘Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?’ says Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And why indeed!? But sometimes, it is snakes and having some basic medical advice can be the difference between life and amputation or in extreme cases death.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg, director of AlwaysThe Color Purple and Munich, although you probably know me better from the Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones films, especially Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Today I want to give you some advice on what to do if you or your hiking companion is bit by a poisonous snake.
Now there are several deadly snakes in California so the number one priority here is speed. I didn’t get to make several Oscar winning films by being a slow coach, oh no. As soon as you have been bitten, or a member of your party has been bitten, you need to leap into action. My contribution to action cinema is not entirely irrelevant. Aside from the afore-mentioned Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade, I also made Tin Tin: the Secret of the Unicorn, which holds up even today. It could be argued that Jaws is in fact a rollicking action movie, but we’re not here to talk about shark bites. No, we’re here to talk about snake bites, which can be, as I said already, deadly. 

Time. Time is important. At the time, Hook and 1941 were treated quite harshly by the critics, but re-watching both those films recently, I think they hold up. Success, though, has a way of creating some quite venomous adversaries. And none more venomous perhaps, than snakes. 


So I hope this has been helpful.


For more advice by Steven Spielberg, CLICK HERE.

AN APPEAL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg, director of such great films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln, War Horse, Sugarland Express, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Hook, 1941, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Munich and Always.

You might also know me from my executive producer credits on ER, Falling Skies, the Transformers series and many other TV Shows and films. Oh, I also kind of directed Poltergeist, but shhhhh. 

But today I don’t want to talk to you as the director of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Tin Tin the Secret of the Unicorn and certainly not as the director of The Terminal … to tell you the truth I always try and forget that one. 

No. I’m here to talk to you as a normal human being. A simple man. Cast from your mind Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Duel. Not to mention the beguiling science fiction fairy tales A.I. and E.T. And let’s not get into my cameo role in The Blues Brothers, or those documentaries I made about the Second World War and President Obama. And what’s the point in dredging up the segment of The Twilight Zone movie and those episodes of Columbo I was involved with? I was a young man, a kid and no one knew me. It just isn’t relevant to the point I want to make and this very important issue which I would like to shine a light on today.

So PLEASE sign the petition and remember to give generously. Thank You.


Steven Spielberg

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight is the 86th Academy Awards and that fact is your last free one. Read the others and become cleverer.

1. Ellen Degeneres is only the second woman to present the Oscars. The first was Bob Hope.

2. The actual Oscars were designed to resemble Yul Bryner. The original statuette included an impressive erection that Yul always nursed but this was changed following complaints from Rex Harrison.

3. Anyone who wins an Oscar is entitled to droit du seigneur over anyone who failed to win the Oscar that year, regardless of category. Although this is largely considered a custom and is hardly ever enforced, David Niven became legendary for doing everyone literally everyone after his win.

4. RIPD will not win an Oscar.  

5. Steven Spielberg is the only person to ever win an Oscar for brushing his teeth. The Oscar was awarded as part of a mix up when instead of taking place at the Dolby theater, the ceremony was booked in the Colgate theater.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

STEVEN SPIELBERG HAUNTS POLTERGEIST REBOOT SET

HOLLYWOOD – Sources confirm today that a ghastly apparition that has been haunting the set of the Poltergeist reboot is none other than director Steven Spielberg.

The director of the pointless remake Gil Kenan (City of Ember, Monster House… yes really) had this to say of the macabre experience. 

It was terrifying at first, I’d be working on a scene with Sam Rockwell and all of a sudden I’d feel this … presence, a willowy phantasm of sorts. And then I’d hear it whisper ‘Ooooh, I’d use a wiiiiiide angle for this shot … BEWARE!’ and I’d turn around and I could swear I saw, like an old man with a beard hobnobbing with the director of photography, then whoosh! Gone. Eerie.
When asked if the cast or crew ever reported any supernatural happenings, Kenan continued.
Yeah, especially the kid actors, they’d do a take and if it wasn’t going well you’d see them get this faraway look as if communing with an otherworldly entity, sometimes they’d disappear and come back all playful and happy and energized and I could just tell they’d been in some kind of contact with the elusive phantom.
The director then revealed how he came to identify the paranormal entity that was plaguing his set:

I looked at my history and discovered that there were similar happenings on the set of the original movie. It was uncanny! Could this restless spirit be the same phenomena? So I set a trap! I deliberately created a bad atmosphere on set one day, totally skewed the aesthetic of the scene and used a Dutch angle for what should have been a standard coverage shot and BOOM! It was in the room.  ‘Whooo aaaaargh, can I make a suggestion? Raaaagh! Here why don’t you check out some of this pre-vis ooooooooh’ and I was like, ‘what are you astral wanderer?’ And he was like  ‘Hi, I’m Steven’.

Kenan successfully exorcised the unwanted Spielberg by repeatedly telling it that he had invited George Lucas to the set to discuss collaboration on a Young Indiana Jones TV special.

It went pale and vanished as dawn glimmered in the East and the cock crowed. I think he’s now at peace, wherever he is. Unfortunately, it turns out that if you invoke the name of Lucas 3 times, that f*cker actually turns up. 

Young Indiana Jones in the Valley of the Yeti will be released on Cartoon Network this summer.

5 FILM DIRECTORS WHO TAKE THEIR NAMES FROM GEOGRAPHICAL FEATURES

HOLLYWOOD – We know here at Studio Exec that the internet isn’t just about porn; it’s also about lists. Knowing more about films means making lists, lists, lists. We have more lists than a Hungarian pianist’s repertoire.

And so we’re proud to present our 5 directors who take their names from geographical features.

 

1. Michael Bay: He might be the most practiced air conditioning unit dodger and robot toy franchise director in the history of multi-angled explosions but did you know Michael Bay’s name actually means body of water by an isthmus of a river?

2. Steven Spielberg: You definitely don’t know that Mr. Jurassic Park has a surname which is actually German for ‘talking mountain’. Ironically, John Milius is Latin for ‘Jew in a baseball cap’. 

3. Oliver Stone: Admittedly the JFK director tends towards the geological, but Stone is proud of his geographic marker and makes a point of standing by standing stones whenever he sees a standing stone to stand by.  

4. Michael Moore: The Fahrenheit 9/11 director likes nothing more than eating a large curry and then warning everyone that there’s a wind on the moor tonight. He’s also famous for his sense of humor.  

5. Walter Hill: Inspired by the work of Benny Hill to become a film director, the young Walter Kubrick got himself down to the town hall and changed his name and the rest is history.

JASON STATHAM IS INDIANA JONES

 LONDON – Jason Statham is the new Indiana Jones.

British action star and hard man, Jason Statham is rumored to be on the brink of taking over one of the most iconic roles in cinema history – Indiana Jones – in a completely new series of films directed by George Lucas.

‘The fact of the matter is, although he was a great director, Steven dropped the ball on the last outing and so it’s time for the master to take over from the apprentice and steady the keel, so to speak,’ said the Executive Producer of Red Tails.

The new films will be set between Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark and will go back to the spirit of the original Saturday morning serials that inspired the first outings, complete with authentic misogyny, homophobia and virulent racism. Lucas commented on the Statham rumors:

Nothing has been signed or confirmed so far, but I will say Jason is the complete package. He can obviously do the action. He’s a hilarious comic actor. And once he puts those glasses on, it’s like, “Woah! Dr. Archaeologist, where did Jason go? Have you seen him?” And Jason’s like “No, George, it’s me.” Don’t get me wrong. He’s no Hayden Christensen but few can aspire to those heights.   

Indiana Jones and the Rape of Your Childhood is due to start filming in July.

JJ ABRAMS SIGNS ON FOR SCHINDLER’S LIST 2

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams‘ love for Steven Spielberg is well known – as evidenced by his Goonies like Super 8 nostalgia fest – but now he is going to take it one step further: writing and directing a sequel to the capped one’s masterpiece, Schindler’s List

We caught up with the Lost creator in his Bad Robot offices where he was prepping some films about spaceships and laser swords(?) ‘I’ve always seen Steven as my hero,’ said Abrams. ‘But I’ve always made these films which were like early Spielberg, the Spielberg of Close Encounters and ET, Raiders even. Now I want to look at the more serious side of his work.’

Don’t you think it is in bad taste to make a sequel to a film like Schindler’s List, which after all is about true events occurring in the Holocaust?

 I would think that if this was a sequel, but really it isn’t. You see what happens in Schindler’s List 2 is actually an alternative universe. Some people got on the list other people weren’t so lucky. Well in my film that’s reversed. 

But that’s horrible.

And in Steven’s version, the allies win the war and the camps are liberated, but my film will ask the question what if they didn’t and what if they weren’t.

So the Nazis…

Win, yeah. Oh and we’re going to have a lot more humor. I like to keep it light. There’s a party scene where Oscar is wining and dining the Nazis and we’re going to do it to the Beastie Boys.

Oh Christ, not ‘Sabotage’ again!

Christ. What do you take me for? No, we’re going with ‘You’ve got to Fight for your Right (to Party)’. Have some taste man. It isn’t like I’m just slavishly reproducing what has gone before.

So anything else in the pipeline?

I’m not allowed to talk about Amistad 2, so no.  

Schindler’s List 2 will be released in 2015. 

JURASSIC WORLD WILL FEATURE ‘DINOSAURS’

HOLLYWOOD – A bombshell quite metaphorically exploded over Hollywood this morning, as the world woke up to the thrilling news that the blockbuster dino-franchise Jurassic World will be released sometime in June, 2015, having at some point prior to that date been (hopefully) made and will feature dinosaurs.

The film will not be directed by Steven Spielberg, but he will get a production credit, as he does with any film or television series that someone talks about while he is in the same room.
Although a cast and director, script and storyline have not so far been decided upon two things did become clear:

  1. It will make a lot of money. 
  2. It will feature dinosaurs of some description.  

Mark Protosevich has had several meetings with Steven Spielberg to flesh out story ideas. ‘We said it would be a really good idea if it made a lot of money,’ said the writer of Poseidon. ‘We didn’t put an exact figure on it, but it was clear Steven thought lots of money would be great. John Sayles had offered a story line which didn’t explicitly have anything to do with making a lot of money and although it was an interesting idea we dropped it in the end, preferring the idea of making money.’

Spielberg also insisted according to Protosevich that dinosaurs be included in the plot. ‘I did a draft, just a treatment really, where I used Rhinos, another with librarians, pebbles, small churches, really large mice, bubble wrap, olives. Steven listened patiently for like an hour, then he leaned forward and said something like “try dinosaurs”. All of a sudden the whole thing made sense. Just like that. That’s why he’s Steven Spielberg, I guess.’

Jurassic World will be released in June 2015.

BRET EASTON ELLIS OFFERS TO SCRIPT STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – Bret Easton Ellis has offered to script the new Disney produced Star Wars project due to be directed by J.J. Abrams.

His offer was proffered via a series of tweets which has now become a traditional way for the American Psycho author to try and muscle in on a high profile project.