NEW JAWS MOVIE TO BE FROM SHARK’S POINT OF VIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Following its recent 40 year anniversary, Steven Spielberg’s Jaws is to be remade with an interesting twist: telling the same story but entirely from the shark’s point of view.

I, Jaws will be directed by Alfonso Cuarón and will be an exact retelling of the original film, set in the waters surrounding Amity in the early seventies, but taken entirely from Jaws’ perspective.

The swimmers will be menaced and the Chief Brody, Matt Hooper and Quint will try to kill the shark but we will see all the action from the water. Cuarón came down to the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the project:

I’m very interested in telling familiar story from a different perspective. And once you start thinking about it, this terrifying tale of the unknown and unknowable becomes totally different if you take Jaws as our main character and try to understand his experience and his feelings and motivations. Maybe he just wanted to be friends. Maybe every time he tried to grab someone, the naked swimmer, the guy in the little boat he was just trying to say hello and then they’d start screaming and hollering and the water would turn red.

But how will it work? I mean a lot of the original film takes place away from the shark.

Exactly. We think the killing is at the center of the shark’s life but of course it isn’t. The shark has other issues. He doesn’t remember his father. He was abandoned and feels this immense loneliness. But he also has the wonderful capacity to appreciate the beauty of the ocean. The starry nights. The shooting stars. The humans, with their splashing and their dogs and their floating mattress… they are the invaders and polluters of his realm. He sees them kill an innocent shark and hang it up on the dock. But despite this our ‘monster’ is forgiving. When he hears the men singing on the Orca, he bangs on the side of the boat with his snout, in rhythm with the song. He wants to sing with the men, bond with them.

I, Jaws will be released in 2016.

GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES CITIZEN KANE 2

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today revealed that Citizen Kane 2 will be the first feature to be produced by his new project, In Space Productions.

Word has been flying around the industry for years that Lucas had been rabidly buying up film rights, with Adam Sandler’s back catalogue alone rumoured to have cost him in the region of $100 million dollars.

In Space have also signed a veritable who’s who of directors to helm their upcoming pictures with the likes of; Francis Ford Coppola, Alexander Payne, Michael Haneke and Woody Allen officially confirmed.

We spoke to George earlier today and asked him what we can expect from his new venture.

 

George, what can expect from this new venture?

Basically, In Space will remake old movies and set them in a different environment.

 

Such as?

Well, space, predominantly.

I see. So what inspired you to take this bold new direction?

I figured the Star Wars films are popular and they are set in space so it was kind of a no-brainer.

 

Interesting. I assume you have a list of films you plan to make over the coming years. Can you reveal what some of those titles are?

Sure. First up will be Citizen Kane in Space. Bruce Willis will play Kane, I’ll direct. Next up we have The Godfather in Space which is Coppola’s baby. We’re considering a CGI Marlon Brando in that but we need to get the go ahead from his estate. What else…Alexander Payne is doing the Wedding Singer in Space, Haneke Irreversible in Space and Woody is keen on remaking Annie Hall in Space.

 

Annie Hall in Space?

Yeah Woody has got this great idea. He’ll play a neurotic jewish astronaut and Diane Keaton will be his kooky robot love interest.

 

Amazing stuff. What else have you got lined up?

Well I’ve been talking to Judd Apatow about doing Dirty Dancing in Space and Hugh Jackman is working with a few writers to try and get a Seven Brides for Seven Brothers in Space off the ground. It’s early days though, and we’ve had so many people who have contacted us with ideas. It’s a matter of sifting through them and deciding what will work.

 

What about your old buddy Steven Spielberg. Will he be involved in some capacity?

I doubt it. I approached Steve and asked him if he’d be interested in making a Schindler’s List in Space but he got all offended and said it was morally wrong. Hopefully he’ll come around though as we recently received a great script for The Color Purple in Space which I ‘d love him to direct.

 

Exciting times George. Many Thanks

No problem.

 

Citizen Kane in Space’ is due for release in 2017

QUINT: WORST. SHARK. FISHERMAN. EVER!

AMITY – Steven Spielberg received a letter in 1975, following the release of the first blockbuster Jaws, from the head of the Professional Institute of Shark Hunters (PISH).

Here printed in full and EXCLUSIVE is the letter sent to Steven Spielberg by the head of PISH Ben Gardener:

Dear Mr. Spielberg,

I have just viewed your motion picture JAWS and while on a personal level I found much to recommend it – exciting and thrilling are two words I used to describe it to my wife – on a professional level as the Chairman for the Professional Institute of Shark Hunters (PISH) it pains me to inform you that I must object to the depiction of our profession in the person of the character named Bartholomew QUINT. He is possibly the worst portrait ever of a shark fisherman and so manifest are his failings that I feel I need to enumerate them for you.

1. No shark fisherman of any character would stop a town meeting and draw attention to himself by scraping his fingernails down a blackboard. This is simply not done in civilized society and shark fishermen are first and foremost gentlemen.

2. Quint’s offer to find the shark for $3000, but only to kill him for $10,000 is tantamount to blackmail and is not the way shark fishermen conduct business. We have a list of prices that are published.

3. Quint’s disrespect for the Chief of Police and Matt Hooper of the Oceanic Institute are not characteristic of the shark fishermen I know.

4. We do not indulge in ‘bawdy’ or ‘ribald’ singing. Although I will admit to a partiality to the music of Sammy Davis Jr.

5. Quint’s drinking of alcohol on the job is deplorable and his littering likewise. His obviously inebriated state at a later stage in the evening sees him make several errors in judgement.

6.  Smash one’s own radio whilst in the middle of a ferocious shark attack seems beyond all rational sense. To begin with those things are expensive and there is an off switch if you really don’t want to be disturbed. It would have been far more sensible of Quint to have actually used the radio to call for some assistance.

7. To chase the shark out to sea rather than towards the coast where it could be beached shows a foolishness that beggars belief. Even Chief Brody seems to be more aware of how to kill a shark than your $10,000 dollar hunter.

8. That is not how you tie a sheep shank.

9. Destroying the boat’s engine and causing it to explode and sink the Orca is once more suicidal stupidity that has no place in the competent shark fisherman’s locker of talents.

10. Finally one simply does not under any circumstances slide into the mouth of the shark one is trying to kill. Hand to hand combat with a machete never ends well for the shark fisherman and there’s no use spitting blood over it, it’s simply a FACT.

So Mr. Spielberg it isn’t often that our profession get any exposure in the media, but I have to say you have done us a singular disservice,

Yours Sincerely,

Ben Gardner

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.

 

GREAT WHITE SHARK ATTACKS TO MARK JAWS 40TH ANNIVERSARY

HOLLYWOOD – A school of great white sharks have been released into the oceans in a badly thought out attempt to mark the 40th anniversary of the release of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

Forty years ago today, the most ominous four bar intro in cinema history broke the surface of the collective subconscious and Jaws has been terrifying swimmers ever since. Universal have decided to mark the occasion not only with a limited release of the original film, but also by releasing several ferocious Great White sharks into the water over the weekend. These sharks have been bred in captivity and the hope is that up and down the Eastern seaboard the sharks will be expected to attack bathers at a number of surprise locations, re-enacting the terror of the film. But don’t worry, Richard Dreyfuss, John Milius and Steven Spielberg are also setting sale in a replica boat based on the Orca to shoot barrels into the sharks and hopefully kill them before the death count gets too high.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Richard Dreyfuss:

Of course, ideally we would love to have Robert Shaw and Roy Schieder here beside me, but John Milius helped rewrite one of the most iconic scenes in the film Jaws and Steven Spielberg made his name as a director, directing it. He is also I’m pleased to say, an excellent shot.

But what about the risk someone might get hurt?

That’s the beautiful thing. You see legally once we release the sharks we’re no longer legally culpable for anything they do. Best case scenario they kill a nude swimmer, a boating instructor, a little boy, a dog and perhaps Ben Gardner Jr., who we’ve persuaded to put in harm’s way, just to get into the spirit of the original, filmed all those year’s ago.

And what do you say to animal rights groups who object to what is essentially a contrived blood sport?

Oh f*ck them. I didn’t get to play Mr. Holland in Mr. Holland’s Opus by listening to every nay-sayer and whinger who fluttered across my transom. No sir! And if any of them try to stop us Milius will go Conan  on their asses. To be honest, I think the sharks are going to have a good chance. I plan to smash the radio equipment the moment I can and we’ve made the new Orca incredibly brittle. I predict by Sunday afternoon one of us is going to be spitting blood while the machete drops from their lifeless fingers! Ha ha!

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.

THE MAKING OF JURASSIC PARK

HOLLYWOOD – In our new series ‘The Making of…’ we go behind the scenes, using previously unseen letters, diaries and documents, of a major motion picture landmark of cinema. This week Jurassic Park!

The Idea

Michael Crichton was working as a doctor in a hospital when he first came up with the idea of theme park with a unique selling point open to the public, but which goes disastrously, murderously when the attractions go haywire and turn against the public. Westworld became a cult classic in 1973. In 1976 the sequel Futureworld was less successful and Crichton was pleased that he had not been involved. However, he wrote to his friend Steven Spielberg in 1981 about other ideas he had:

Dear Steven,

Following on from Westworld I’ve been tinkering with a few more ideas. What do you think? Chivalrous Land: a medieval themed park where the knights go mad and start jousting the visitors to death. Mermaid World: An underwater theme park where the mermaids go crazy and start killing the guests.  Dickensian Land: A Charles Dickens themed fun park where chimney sweeps go crazy and being attacking the guests. Or Gangster Park! Or Zombie Land. Or Dinosaur Land. Tell me what you think.

Dear Michael,

I like the last one, but change the title.

Dear Steven,

T.Rexcellent!

Filming

Hawaiian island of Kauaʻi was used for location shooting but a large Typhoon hit the island the first week of filming. The dinosaurs that Steven Spielberg insisted on using for authenticity proved difficult to control and when one of the handlers was eaten Spielberg came under criticism for editing the footage of the incident into the prologue of the film. Spielberg wrote to close friend Tom Stoppard during the filming and giving an insight into the hectic schedule.

Hi Tom,

The problem is that we have to do everything backwards. I wanted to use kids for the roles of Lex and Tim, but they cost too much money. Luckily Sam Neil knows this New Zealand guy Peter Jackson, and he’s got me a couple of Hobbits to play the kids. They take direction and with a filter and lots of make up can pass for children. The main action sequence is going to be the Brontosaurus attack. I just have to talk with the science people who have expressed concerns and then we’ll be good to go.

Hi Tom,

Turns out the Brontosaurus doesn’t exist, and if it did it’d be vegetarian, so what to do now? I suppose we’ll go with the T. Rex which I was trying to avoid. It’s such a cliché. I know, maybe I can put a Marc Bolan song over it as a ‘joke’.

Post Production

John Williams received the following note from Spielberg before he began scoring the picture.

Hi Johnny,

Here I think we really need an old fashioned matinee score. Something bombastic and awe inspiring. I don’t know I was thinking. Bom-Bah-Bom-Bah-dii-dee-diii-diidddy-deee La-la-la-di-diddy dee, Bom-Bah-Bom-Bah-dii-dee-diii-diidddy-deee La-la-ladee, diddy dee. What do you think?

For more of The Making of CLICK HERE.

 

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW – Jurassic World broke box office records on its opening weekend to become the biggest opener ever, but how does the fourth film in the Jurassic Park franchise and the latest Chris Pratt – Jessica Chastain (?) vehicle hold up? Read our in depth review.

Continue reading “JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW”

NO TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for the new Steven Spielberg film Tintin and the Bridge of Spies doesn’t feature any footage of its hero Tintin.

The Cold War spy saga stars Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance in a tense tale of espionage and fraught danger. On the plus side the CGI is a marked improvement on 2011’s Tintin and The Secret of the Unicorn, with an almost photo-realistic realization of New York and East Berlin and a Tom Hanks who has escaped the uncanny valley that The Polar Express thrust him into. And yet at the same time many Tintin fans were left scratching their heads at the absence of Georges Remi’s famous creation. However, Steven Spielberg in a late night pèhone conversation with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Tintin was being saved for later:

When I was making Jaws, the first time I was showing the rushes to people all they could say is where is the shark, where is the shark. Of course, as everyone knows that was due to the technical difficulties that we had operating the thing, but the effect on the film was enormous and taught me a lesson to this day. Always keep the audience waiting for the star. And so it with our intrepid reporter.

The Adventures of Tintin and the Bridge of Spies will be released in October.

DREAMWORKS KID CATCHES FISH

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood was ‘reeling’ today when out of the deep blue the kid in the DreamWorks logo caught a fish.

The DreamWorks boy – Billy Hunt – has been sitting in the D for nineteen years and the famously foul mouthed icon was yet to get a bite.

‘I admit I was getting well cheesed off,’ said Billy. ‘My dad had just said, almost twenty years ago, sit there for a minute boy. I just want to capture something. And that was it. Nineteen years later, I’m still here. F*ck sacks.’

A Free Billy Hunt petition has gained some support over the years, but DreamWorks founder Steven Spielberg is an enthusiastic slave owner and is unlikely to release Billy any time soon, especially now that he can feed himself. Billy continues:

It isn’t all bad. I quite like acoustic guitar picking and it beats working for a living. It’s just that sometimes the moon goes right up my ass crack. And, you know, chaffs. 

 The fish was a five pound trout and Billy ate it raw.

‘He was like Gollum,’ his proud father said, laughing so hard he dropped his cattle prod.

BEN AFFLECK OWNS SLAVES, SONY HACK REVEALS

HOLLYWOOD  -Batman star and Argo director Ben Affleck is a slave owner, hacked Sony emails leaked by Wikileaks revealed today.

Ben Affleck (42) revealed his concern about owning slaves when a PBS television show Finding Your Roots, hosted by Professor Henry Louis Gates, uncovered evidence that he was a slave owner, even though slavery had been abolished in 1865 by the thirteenth amendment of the constitution. The emails between the show’s producer and the presenter reveal that Affleck was uncomfortable with the information tarnishing his image. The email reads:

While reviewing the evidence of his ancestors, Affleck said that he didn’t see anything wrong with slave owning and he owned a few himself. As soon as he said it he clapped his hand over his mouth and went quite red. I probed as to whether this was a joke or something. He laughed uncomfortably and said that his slaves were well treated but people wouldn’t understand that the director of Argo would keep slaves and might think badly of him. ‘I’m already getting enough sh*t as it is playing Batman,’ he said.

Hollywood slave owning is nothing new. Steven Spielberg had a large slave plantation in the 1970s and a few months ago Happy Days actor and director Ron Howard was discovered to own an illegal mime farm. Although it is unlikely that Ben Affleck will face criminal charges for the slave owning, there is a chance that his chances of a Best Actor nomination for Batman will be adversely affected.

Batman V. Superman will be released in 2016.

POLTERGEIST CURSE TO BE REBOOTED

HOLLYWOOD – Along with Sam Raimi’s remake of Poltergeist soon to hit cinemas, the Evil Dead director has also promised the reboot of the Poltergeist Curse.

The original Poltergeist curse was rumored to have come about when Tobe Hooper or Steven Spielberg (nobody knows which) decided to use real skeletons in the filming of several of the more gruesome scenes in the original 1982 film. The use of real skeletons is in fact common practice as real skeletons are cheaper than realistic fake ones. Go figure. Following the filming of the original three films (the sequels arrived in 1986 and 1988) a number of cast members died early and tragic deaths, including the little girl played by Heather O’Rourke when she was just twelve years old.

The Darkman director told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We want to honor the memory of the first film and that involves not just re-imagining a great horror movie in a way that is kind of unnecessary and dull, but also re-imagining the horror that surrounded the making of the film.

How do you go about rebooting a curse?

In order to get an authentic curse we’ve filmed the whole movie on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground. We’ve broken a shit ton of mirrors during production and unleashed 78 black cats on the set. Taking a leaf out of my own book, I’ve hired a bunch of old Gypsy women to work for me and I have no intention of paying them.  And to make absolutely sure, we’ve been using real skeletons willy-nilly. Even if there’s a normal dialogue scene with nothing spooky going on, we put a skeleton under the table of just out of shot.

How do the cast feel about this?

Well, Sam Rockwell was really nervous. He’s kinda superstitious I suppose. But I pointed out that the star of the original film Richard Lawson was in a plane crash a few years after the film was released. Twenty seven people died but he survived. So the curse might work both ways.

Is that true?

Let’s just say I’m booking separate flights from Sam Rockwell from now on. Ha ha!

The Poltergeist remake will be released in 2015 and the Poltergeist curse will follow soon after.

STEVEN SPIELBERG: ALL MY MOVIES HAPPENED TO ME

MALIBU -In an EXCLUSIVE column, Steven Spielberg – director of Always and The Terminal – gives a unique insight into the workings of his brain pan and his film-making.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg and I make tight MovieFilms. You might have seen them on tapes and cinemas. What you don’t know is that all my MovieFilms are true stories and they all happened to me. No Sh*t!

For Example:

The ‘Jaws’.

This was a deeply personal autobiographical account of the time I spent working as a Chief of Police in a small seaside town in the early 70s. I changed some stuff at the suggestion of my friend George. I thought these changes seemed simply crazy! Too wild to even consider, but in retrospect it had the dual consequence of making me a shit-tonne of monies and helping to deflect from my being a suspect in the murder of some Islanders.

You see, in reality, it was a damn mystery who was killing those folks! After we found the first scantily clad teenage girl, dead and mangled on the beach, we assumed it was either a crime of passion or some kinky love-making ritual gone a bit askew (people get bored in small communities and try stuff, it happens). When the second girl turned up in a similar location with similar injuries the guys down the station got all excited and started talking about the possibility of us having an honest to heck serial killer. Thus the legend of Kinky Jack was born.

We were stumped, more bodies turned up, and not just hot teen girls in bikinis; kids, old sailors, even dogs! All dumped in or around the sea/beach type area. We questioned every saucy old seaman who ever crossed our path in those weeks but couldn’t get a grip on this damn case at all. Eventually I had to take some time.

I hooked up with a few buddies and decided to take a boat trip to clear my head. It was blissful at first; telling stories over a few whiskey shots, showing each other our bodies in the crisp moonlight…then one day…shit, it’s hard to talk about it even now. I woke up to find them both dead and mangled! One, chopped in half below the waist and the other floating in pieces in a weird little cage tied to the boat. Kinky Jack! He had struck again, but how? And why spare me?

It would sure look real funky; the chief of police turning up, covered in blood on a ghost boat claiming to have no idea who killed his shipmates. So I did what anyone would. I weighed down the remains of the bodies, chopped a hole in the side of the boat and swam home on a little yellow float. I told anyone who asked that my buddies just decided to go on a trip. Boom. Everyone bought it.

We never did find the killer and Kinky Jack seemed to have sated whatever deadly fetishes moved him so…no more bodies turned up and we all kind of left it. Bit of a relief really.

A few years later when I decided to get into Movifilms full time a pal said ‘write what you know’ so I decided to make all my MovieFilms about my own life…but, you know, I don’t want people asking any questions. Hence, Kinky Jack became a big ol’ rubber shark! How crazy does that sound? Well they bought it. You all bought it.

This was fun. I like sharing.

For more from 1941 director Steven Spielberg Click HERE!

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.
One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.
Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.
Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.
The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

GEORGE LUCAS IS HOMELESS

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars creator George Lucas has hit hard times after signing over the rights to his beloved franchise to Disney.

Lucas, who has been living in a dumpster off Sunset Boulevard for the last 6 months blames himself for his descent into poverty:

I made a billion dollars by selling the rights to Star Wars but I made some bad investments and got ripped off. This guy offered to sell me the Planet Venus and I handed him most of my fortune. Turns out he didn’t own Venus but how was I supposed to know? His You Tube video was very convincing.

Not only was Lucas bankrupt he also found himself homeless:

The Skywalker ranch was all I had left but J.J. Abrams turned up one day with a fleet of moving trucks and a security guard and threw me out on the street. Apparently it was in the small print that whoever is running the franchise gets the ranch. I wouldn’t mind but my wife is still living there. She’s quite taken by him.

Asked if he was excited about the release of the episode seven trailer tomorrow, Lucas started crying:

I bought a can of gasoline and a box of matches with the last of my money. As soon as the trailer is released I’m going to set fire to myself outside Mann’s Chinese theatre. This world has been cruel to me and I want to go to a galaxy far, far away.

The Studio Exec contacted Steven Spielberg to ask him if was aware of his friends plight and the celebrated director was shocked by Lucas’ current situation:

 I said to George he could come and live in my dumpster and the offer still stands.