5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JEFF GOLDBLUM

HOLLYWOOD – Everybody knows that Jeff Goldblum is the best actor in the world and a one man meme generator, but what do we really know about the man who still prefers to be known to his closest associates as Brundlefly?

The Studio Exec FACT Squad were so busy wondering whether they could they never once thought for a second about whether they should.

1 . Jeff Goldblum first appeared in the Charles Bronson 1974 vigilante movie Death Wish, where he was credited as ‘jiggy rapist 2’. He threw himself into the role totally and was arrested twice in New York in the run up to the film. The actor insisted that he had not ever been violent, he was cautioned for the misdemeanor of being excessively ‘jiggy’.

2 . Despite small roles in Annie Hall and Death Wish in the seventies, it wasn’t until the mid-eighties that Goldblum landed his first major role as Seth Brundle in the David Cronenberg body horror remake The Fly. Goldblum was so intent on making the film as authentic as possible that he employed his own acidic vomit and pulled off a number of fingernails to get the shot. ‘I believed the story was already fantastic and so there had to be something real in there for the audience to latch onto. I was that real,’ Goldblum told Gardener’s Weekly radio show in an interview on the original release of the movie.

3 .  The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension exists.

4. When Jeff Goldblum first met Steven Spielberg at a casting session for Jurassic Park, Goldblum wowed the director with his deft understanding of Chaos Theory, Quantum Mechanics and String Theory. It was only later that Spielberg learned that Goldblum had actually made the whole thing up on the spot and at one point was actually speaking Klingon. Spielberg kept some of Goldblum’s own dialogue in the film, so fascinated was he by the exuberance of the man.

5. As well as being an actor Jeff Goldblum also plays jazz flute.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!

GOOD NEWS: WORLD TO END BEFORE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists revealed today that humanity would in all likelihood be extinct prior to the release of Indiana Jones 5, much to the relief of everybody.

A combination of nuclear proliferation, human caused climate change and political instability is almost certain to wipe out mankind by 2018, a full year before the projected release of Indiana Jones 5 a study published in the Scientific American proves. The article says:

Climate change is having a catastrophic effect and we have observed that the Earth is tilting due to the melting of the ice caps. This tilting is just one event which has been fed into a mathematical model with other factors such as nuclear proliferation and economic instability and we can confidently predict everyone on the planet will be dead by 2018. Our calculations show that Indiana Jones 5 will be released post the apocalypse and this is genuinely cheering news.

The news was greeted with relief and in some quarters joy. Steven Spielberg was one of the people to go public with his reaction:

George has come up with a story and Lord helps me it send Indiana Jones into space. It’s a direct follow on from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We’re due to start shooting just as the water rises over our heads and the mushroom clouds bloom on the horizon.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

TOP SPIELBERG FILMS BILLY ZANE-D BY JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the new trend that is taking over Hollywood and all of Steven Spielberg’s films have now been Billy Zane-d.

To Zane a movie is to digitally insert Billy Zane into a film in order to ‘heighten dramatic tension.’ The first Zaned movie was Titanic. What many people don’t know about James Cameron’s 1997 disaster movie is that Billy Zane was never actually a regular member of the cast. The film had been shot in its entirety but test screenings showed that audiences found the boat v iceberg story less than gripping.

James Cameron takes up the story:

The unsinkable ship versus the immovable obstacle: the iceberg! We thought we had the whole kit and shebang, but it turned out that audiences needed more dramatic tension. Who knew? So we digitally inserted Billy Zane in the role of Cal and we gave him a gun. Just to make the Titanic seem a little more dangerous.

Billy Zane has been introduced into every Steven Spielberg film by James Cameron using ‘Avatar’ technology. Cameron told the Studio Exec:

Jaws will be much scarier with Zane on the boat, conspiring to steal diamonds. And imagine how creepy Duel is now that Zane is driving the truck. And Schindler’s List! You thought the Nazis were bad but here comes Zane with a small pistol and a thin mustache.

The Zaned Steven Spielberg collection will be available on Blu-Ray in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

MOVIE INDUSTRY TRUSTS FUTURE TO MAN WHO DESTROYED MUSIC INDUSTRY

HOLLYWOOD – The movie industry has called on the man who destroyed the music industry to help them ensure the future of the movie industry.

Sean Parker, the man behind Napster, Spotify and the boom in music file sharing and the collapse of the music industry, has now decided to turn his attention to the movies, with his new concept of Screening Room in which people would be able to rent a movie on the day of its cinematic release for $48. Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson and Ron Howard have already come out in support of the planned widening of distribution methods stating clearly that ‘we don’t like going to the cinema anymore’.

Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

Think about it. We go to the cinema and there are queues, it’s smelly and the seats are uncomfortable. This way for the mere price of $48 you can watch the same film on the day of release. $48! The price of a small glass of milk. Actually, I’ll need to fact check that. I haven’t bought milk since the 1970s. I don’t like it.

However, some in the industry are not so enthusiastic, including Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino who believes that films should only be shown via magic lantern shows.

I want to recapture the true beauty of when I used to go to the cinema some time at the turn of the century.

What do you think of Screening Room? Use the comment box below. Actually I don’t really care. But you know… feel free.

STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MATT DAMON

HOLLYWOOD – The Facts about Matt Damon have long been hidden from public view, but the Studio Exec knows no fear, except for fear itself and litigation and so on we go with Good Will FACT Hunting if you will, which you probably won’t.

Matt Damon FACT attack alert:

  1. Matt Damon is NOT gay. Though frankly who gives a flying fish from a soul elevating Ang Lee film? That’s right not us buddy. Nor he. Tired of having to field rumors, he finally admitted that he wasn’t gay even though he said that he had too much respect for gay pals to deny it as if it was an accusation. Hats off Mr Damon. A class act.
  2. Damon is an inveterate gambler since his time working on the film Rounders. In fact his appearance in  Oceans 11, 12 and 13 were due to him losing a series of bets with George Clooney. His appearance in Saving Private Ryan ironically was a result of Steven Spielberg losing a bet with Ted Danson.
  3. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon famously wrote the screenplay for Good Will Hunting as a calling card for themselves as actors, although (as they later admitted) Damon did most of the writing, while Affleck did the ‘coloring in’.
  4. During the audition for The Bourne Identity Doug Liman was genuinely amazed by Damon’s method, turning up entirely unaware of what role he was auditioning for and actually trying to order a pastrami sandwich. Later Damon admitted he had mistaken the audition room for a Subway outlet due to the LSD he had dropped and had no idea what Bourne was until he attended the premiere.
  5. Matt Damon’s new films include Elysium, a Science Fiction drama featuring that Jodie Foster and Suggs a biopic of the lead singer of British reggae group Madness. He is currently in negotiations to buy Norway, because ‘it’s be kinda cool to have a country’. 

For more FACTS click HERE.

INDIANA JONES CRITICIZED FOR FAILING TO KILL HITLER

BERKLEY – Indiana Jones has come under intense criticism following a biography of the famous archeologist revealed how in the late 1930s Dr. Jones failed to kill the Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Esteemed archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones has come under sustained attack today following the publication of extracts from a new biography that claims the noted academician met with Adolf Hitler and failed to take any action whatsoever. “Indiana Jones, I Presume” by Dr. Fathma Nichols is due for publication early in the new year but leaks from the book have already provided historians and the world of adventure archeology that Dr. Jones pioneered with some choice titbits of previously unknown information.

Included in the revelations are the fact that Indiana Jones met the leader of the Nazi Party and then Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler and not only failed to take any appropriate action, but also asked for the National Socialist’s autograph.

Dr. Nichols writes:

Although the meeting was inopportune – Dr. Jones was accompanied by his elderly father Dr. Henry Jones and there was a massive crowd of devoted Nazis around them – it can only be regretted that Jones did not leap into action and by doing forestall the Second World War and the Holocaust.

However, Indiana Jones supporters made it clear that the biographer’s charges were unfair:

You have to remember that at this point America was not at war with Germany and that on several occasions Dr. Jones had explicitly said ‘Nazis! I hate these guys’. During the Second World War, Jones was to work for the OSS and was never backward in a punch up with a Nazi, especially if there was scope for some propeller blade action.

However, the Nazi revelation, although the most serious, is not the only one.

Others include:

Dr. Jones persistently used unorthodox methods to remove objects from their original locations, and did not do proper surveys of the sites nor did he write complete reports. Although a successful obtainer of rare objects, the destruction that often accompanied his finds meant that proper study was frequently impossible.

Dr. Jones had a girlish fear of snakes.

During the testing of a nuclear weapon in Nevada, Jones hid in an icebox for reasons that are still unclear.

Although hired as a teacher, Dr. Jones record as an educator left a lot to be desired. He would frequently fail to correct course work in a timely fashion and his courses were often abruptly halted as he took an unexplained ‘sabbatical’. In this he was facilitated by his friend and mentor Marcus Brody.

Jones was suspected of being a racist, telling stories of Indian death cults and referring to meals which involved ‘chilled monkey brains’.

Hollywood actor Shia LaBeouf is thought to be his son, but exactly how the dates work has never been fully explained.

Indiana Jones I  Presume, by Dr. Fathma Nichols will be available from Amazon and all good bookshops from January 8, 2016.

OUTRAGE AT LACK OF TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES

NEW YORK -Following the premier of his new film Bridge of Spies, Steven Spielberg found himself at the center of a sh*t storm of controversy as it was revealed that beloved Belgian boy-detective Tintin fails to make an appearance in the film.

Steven Spielberg is an undoubtedly a great director, but does the lack of Tintin in Bridge of Spies – which premiered at the New York Film Festival this week – show that he has finally lost his touch. The New York Times asked earnestly in an editorial:

What kind of Tintin film doesn’t feature Tintin? Although as a Cold War court room drama/espionage thriller with a classical hankering for the golden age of the well made film Bridge of Spies most definitely works, fans of Hergé‘s most famous creation are in for a huge disappointment.

Indiewire said that although the previous Tintin film The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn had been something of a misfire, ‘the new film seems to have entirely misunderstood the magic of the original comic books, which has made Tintin such a beloved character across the world.’ However, some (including this reporter) had already pointed out that the trailer also failed to forefront the quiffed one, Snowy and Captain Haddock. Likewise, some have argued that Peter Jackson is now due a Tintin picture a fact that he conveniently forgot when he changed the title of The Adventures of Tintin: The Battle of the Five Armies to The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

Whatever the truth of the matter, the absence of Tintin can only hurt Tom Hanks’ chances of winning another Oscar as the Academy is notorious for punishing Tintin-less movies.

The Adventures of Tintin: Bridge of Spies is on general release.

DID OLIVER STONE KILL ABRAHAM LINCOLN?

HOLLYWOOD – A new book by maverick director Oliver Stone claims that the Platoon director was directly involved in the successful plot to assassinate the 16th President of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln.

The second most famous presidential assassination – after that of William McKinley – the murder of President Lincoln in 1865 sent shock waves through the USA, following his successful resolution of the Civil War. For years it was believed that his assassin was the actor and Southern rebel John Wilkes Booth, but a new book by Cornell Historian Anthony Guber Stoned to Death: Oliver Stone and the Death of Abraham Lincoln: including an Appendix on Pearl Harbor and the Illuminati posits the thesis that director Oliver Stone (born 99 years subsequent to the President’s demise) was the actual assassin.

The book reads:

Records show that Oliver Stone joined the army in 1967 and fought in Vietnam. What they don’t show is that after his first tour of duty he was recruited into a special covert group of the US Army specializing in Time War. As Lincoln had placed legal limits on the days (no fighting on Sundays and Wednesdays Law) on which the army could fight in 1866, severely hampering the effort to defeat Communism in South East Asia, this group decided on a radical plan to assassinate Lincoln before he signed the law. Stone was chosen because of his creativity and aim. His whole career has been something of an extended apology and covert confession of his crime. JFK in particular sees him project his guilt into a convoluted conspiracy against another president, but if you switch Kennedy for Lincoln, then you have what is essentially a mea culpa.

The author cites other evidence such as the fact that Daniel Day Lewis in preparing for the role of Lincoln in Spielberg’s film of the same name, received extensive coaching from Stone on ‘authenticity’. And an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau in which Stone stated:

Of course I’m delighted that Obama is our President but people keep saying he’s our first black president. They forget that Frederick Douglas became President after Abraham Lincoln endorsed him. Oh wait… I killed Lincoln didn’t I?

Oliver Stone was unavailable for comment.

TOP 5 MOVIES WITH PEOPLE IN THEM

HOLLYWOOD – In our relentless mission to list every single aspect of cinema and film making the Studio Exec is proud to present a list of 5 movies that have people in them.

The Studio Exec FACT Squad was sent through the archives and watched every film ever made and here are the top five films with people in them:

  1. The Crowd. You want people, you’ve got them. There are loads of people here. In fact so many that the 1928 film is actually called The Crowd. The only problem is that you can’t hear them. It isn’t because they can’t speak; it’s because this film was made in a time period when they didn’t record sound with films, but this King Vidor silent classic is well worth the watch. And it is the only film to be directed by an actual monarch.
  2. Solyent Green. ‘Solyent Green?’ you say. ‘I see Charlton Heston but where are the people?’ Well, actually Solyent Green itself is… oops almost a SPOILER. Phew, just avoided. But aside from Solyent Green being people, the whole film is based on Harry Harrison’s novel of over-population Make Room Make Room!
  3. Cleopatra. There are so many people in the Roman epic that Italy had to stop doing everything on the day it was filmed, so that everyone could work as extras on the film. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor starred as Marc Antony and Cleopatra, both of whom are also people.
  4. Lincoln. Directed by Steven Spielberg, this film starred Daniel Day Lewis as the 16th President of the United States of America. It really is a film for the people, about the people and by the people.
  5. Barry Lyndon. Considered by many to be Stanley Kubrick’s dullest film, other people argue it is one of his best. There’s a person in the actual title and other as he journeys from his home in Ireland, across Europe, his fortunes rising and falling along the way, he meets even more people, including a card sharp and his future wife! Ryan O’Neal plays the main person.

For more FACTS click HERE.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Everybody knows who Steven Spielberg is, but do we really know WHO Steven Spielberg is?

The answer is of course ‘Yes, he’s Steven Spielberg’ and here are five more FACTS that the Studio Exec FACT squad have attained:

1.      If you talk about a television program while Steven Spielberg is in the room he automatically gets an Executive Producer credit. The same is not true of a motion picture venture. For that you need to chase Steven around a room without touching the walls or the door or Steven until he falls down exhausted. Michael Bay chased Steven around the Universal lot for seven solid days before he finally agreed to Executive Produce Transformers, a decision he bitterly regrets.

2.      While filming Duel, Steven was involved in a serious accident and a small part of his cranium was removed. For this reason, he always appears in public wearing a hat. His ‘friend’ George Lucas made a cruel joke about this in Empire Strikes Back. Darth Vader is Flemish for ‘The Director of the Sugarland Express’.

3.      During the seventies Spielberg was one of the most powerful celebrity slave owners, a fact that has since caused him some embarrassment.
(CLICK HERE for more on that story). Although a well kept secret, celebrity slave owning was quite the thing and some celebrities such as Ben
Affleck continue the tradition even today, despite the controversy it causes. 
4.      He’s Amish. Although he rarely talks about religion it is understood that Peter Weirs’ “Witness” was based on the young life of Steven Spielberg. 
5.      Although many of his films have been reported to be commercially successful, none of them have actually turned a profit due to the Byzantine studio accounting system, except for The Terminal
For more FACTS click HERE.

HIDDEN GEMS: 8. JAWS

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. You’re welcome. This week Jaws.

In Jaws, a sleepy seaside community is terrorized by kids karate chopping fences. Fortunately, a shark turns up. This little known revenge of nature drama sunk without trace when it was first released in 1975, partly because of its ponderously simplistic score by classical guitarist John Williams.
Either Rob Schnieder or Roy Scheider or Rod Steiger plays Chief Brody, a water phobic New York cop new to the job of policing on an island. And yet it falls to him to defend a community not only from the shark but its own venal short-sightedness. Shark Fisherman Quint (Robert Shaw) and oceanographer Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) are the unlikely allies who join him to hunt and kill the Great White. The commercial and critical failure of the film condemned promising TV director Steven Spielberg to a lifetime of obscure historical dramas such as 1941, Amistad and Jurassic Park.
The comedy shark – nicknamed Bruce – however was the only cast member to make a real impact and went on to star in a number of sequels, including an appearance (as himself) in Finding Nemo