HOLLYWOOD – Surrealist director Alejandro Jodorowsky will direct a documentary chronically the ill-fated Edgar Wright Ant-Man film.
Famed El Topo director Alejandro Jodorowsky turns his attention to another filmmaker in a new documentary about Edgar Wright’s unfinished Ant-Man movie. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Jodorowsky had this to say:
I love cinema. But more than cinema even I love the impossible cinema of the incomplete. No film is more pure than the unmade film. This was seen already with my version of Dune. Then there was even Rob Schneider’s version, which I would have loved to have seen. Edgar’s version of Ant-Man is another of these invisible visions. A silent echo of a master imagination, which we now only hear hushed voices speak of.
Edgar Wright signed on to direct Ant-Man for Marvel and he and Joe Cornish wrote a screenplay. However, when Marvel wanted to have a rewrite Wright wrote it couldn’t be rewritten. Jodorowsky continues:
Wright had worked on Ant-Man for eight years. It was a project close to his emotional core. The vision he pursued looked to change the history of cinema as we know it. Imagine what Paul Rudd, in the hands of a master such as Wright, could have become. How he would mould him. Change him. Instead Peyton Reed came along and just made yet another Marvel film. I was sick to my stomach when I saw it. It is a missed opportunity to put beside Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon movie and Steven Spielberg remake of The Human Centipede.
AMITY – Jaws! That’s it. We’re going to need a bigger fact!
Jaws. This was NO BOATING ACCIDENT! Get your facts together for one of the best films ever to be made about a shark eating a man who delivered the atom bomb they dropped on Hiroshima. FA—–ACT, FA——-ACT, FACT FACT FACT FACT (didder-derrr!)
1. Steven Spielberg occasionally used a fake shark when he believed using a real shark would endanger the actors. If you look very carefully some experts can tell the difference by the general plastic rubbery crapness of the model shark and the real one. But you have to be an expert.
2. Quint was named Squint in the original Peter Benchley novel because he squinted so much, but Robert Shaw told Spielberg he’d like to change the name because Squint made him sound like a cock womble.
3. The Indianapolis scene was a stroke of great good fortune. Spielberg asked John Milius if he had any ideas and Milius had tons but they were all rubbish. Then Milius went for a walk across his favourite golf club and got hit by lightning. He wrote the scene out as he still smoked from the lightning strike. Everyone was amazed. He’s never done anything as good, prior or since.
4. Ben Gardner was based on a real gardener.
5. All the sequels made following the success of the original were directed by Steven Spielberg though he had his name taken off the credits in each case because they were generally as good as finding flaky dog shit on your toothbrush after you’ve brushed your teeth.
HOLLYWOOD – Today actress Elizabeth Banks accused Steven Spielberg of having a stupid chin.
Elizabeth Banks got in some trouble the other day when she claimed that Steven Spielberg had not made diverse enough movies. Specifically she referred to the fact that none of his movies featured female leads. Her pro-diversity stance was somewhat compromised by the fact she’d obviously meant white women because she’d forgotten The Color Purple, and grown white women because she’d also forgotten The BFG. Though to be fair, almost everyone else had as well.
Following an apology, Elizabeth Banks however then proceeded to launch another attack on the Jaws director saying that his chin was stupid.
I mean it might be, right? How do we know it isn’t stupid if we’ve never seen it. He’s had that beard, like forever. Why would someone wear a beard like that if he didn’t have something seriously wrong with his chin.
Social media was instantly flooded by pictures of an unbearded Spielberg but Banks was unrepentant. ‘He used to own slaves,’ she said, referring to a Studio Exec article from long ago. This article has since had its accuracy called into question: READ HERE.
She will next direct the first all-male Charlie’s Angels film.
With World War 3 just a beautiful piece of cake and a twitter rant away, Stanley Kubrick’s classic of Cold War paranoia is to get a sequel with Dr. Strangelove 2. Director Steven Spielberg had this to say:
I’ve always loved Stanley’s film but I was also dissatisfied by the ending. What? Everyone dies? That’s it. I knew when I first saw the film that it wasn’t true. Here I was after all, alive, watching the film. So I decided that something must have happened. A short circuit, or maybe everyone hid in a fridge, and the world somehow continues. My film takes that premise. We are going to see that now General Buck Turgidson, played by George C. Scott in the original – John Goodman plays him for me – has become President of the United States of America. He wants to renew mining because he doesn’t want a mine shaft gap to develop between the US and the Chinese and North Koreans. Unfortunately things go bad.
Someone goes crazy and tries to set off a bomb?
No. In our version it’s the President who is trying to set off the bomba nd everyone else who is trying to stop him. It just seemed more realistic that way.
HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg uses air quotes whenever talking about Indiana Jones 5, it was revealed today.
Jaws and Lincoln director Steven Spielberg always uses air quotes whenever discussing Indiana Jones 5. The revelation came from Spielberg’s close friend Dan Aykroyd.
It’s the weirdest thing. Whenever he talks about the next Indiana Jones film, he uses this quote gesture with his fingers. He said to me the other day that Indiana Jones would be “released” in 2019. He was “working” on the “script” and Harrison Ford was very “excited” about the “idea”.
So he might not actually want to make the film?
I asked him about it and he told me that when Peter Jackson talks to him about Tintin Jackson does the same thing. So he just picked it up as a useful habit.
What does George Lucas think?
George Lucas “thinks” we’re going to make the “Movie”.
HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump placed Indiana Jones 5 at the top of his budget yesterday.
President Trump – two words as unappealing as edible toilet – mentioned only one movie in his budget – Indiana Jones 5. In a statement the White House said:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the best Indiana Jones movie ever. The President believes it is in the national interest that the sequel, Indiana Jones 5 goes ahead. As soon as we can. Before Harrison Ford crashes his plane again. So basically before next Thursday.
Steven Spielberg welcomed the president’s proclamation as well as the funds which the budget will allocate to the movie. $50 million are to be given to the studio which makes the next Indiana Jones films, money which will be raised by selling poor children to the rich men.
Indiana Jones and the Beautiful Kremlin of Bigly will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Following his success rejuvenating one 70s blockbuster, JJ Abrams is turning his attention to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.
Hardly a day goes by without someone yelling: ‘where oh where is the Jaws prequel we’ve all wanted?’ Well, those souls can rest assured: JJ Abrams is on the case with his new film Amity. JJ popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to jaw about his new project.
We want to make Jaws but this time with an alternative timeline. What would have happened to Chief Brody (Hayden Christensen) and his family if there hadn’t been any shark. No attacks, no blood in the water. All the questions we can answer.
When I first saw the original my big question was: who are these kids karate chopping the fences? What sort of investigation would that look like?
I know. And we get to see Quint (Will Ferrell) go into an alcohol induced coma, ironically the same day he would have been eaten by the shark.
HOLLYWOOD – Arrival star Forest Whitaker is not actually a forest, it has been confirmed.
Star of such films as Bird, Ghost Dog and Species, Forest Whitaker has been around for many years. However, the actor has often been dogged with controversy, with rumors abounding that he is a small forest in New England.
Forest phoned the Studio Exec to EXCLUSIVELY respond to the accusations:
I want to call and personally quash this bullshit that is going round. I’m not, nor have I ever been, a forest. I’m sick of it. A forest is a large collection of trees. I’m a black actor. Totally different things. You don’t see articles on the internet seriously asking if Steven Spielberg is actually a talking mountain in German.
I don’t want to say.
Look, people have names. Sometimes those names are similar to other words. It doesn’t make them those things.
HOLLYWOOD – Five Facts you never knew about the new Han Solo Alden Ehrenreich.
Everybody knows Alden Ehrenreich from… is going to be the new Han Solo, but what do we really know about him. We sent the Studio Exec FACT group to collect a bounty on his head from Jabba the FACT.
One. Alden Ehrenreich invented the typewriter.
Two. Although he brushes his teeth, Alden Ehrenreich refuses to floss, calling it ‘a con.’ The American Dental Association condemned the actor’s controversial flossing comments, saying he had gone ‘full-Carrey’.
Three. The young Ehrenreich has already impressed a series of hard-hitters in Hollywood, working for the Coen Brothers, as well as Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg and someone called Francis Ford Coppola.
Four. When Alden auditioned for the role of the young Han Solo for directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller, he won their respect by turning up to the studio dressed in Lego.
Five. For his role in Hail Caesar, Alden learned Latin. Wrongly.
HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.
Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:
I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.
Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.
The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.
Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – 2016 claims another victim as esteemed monkey actor famous for Raiders of the Lost Ark dies.
The film world is in mourning today as news came in that George Applethwaite, the monkey actor most famous for his role in the Indiana Jones adventure Raiders of the Lost Ark has died.
Tributes flooded in from all over the world. Harrison Ford described Applethwaite as ‘a formative influence on my acting style and a great personal friend’ and Andy Serkis hailed the late actor as ‘a pioneer for all of us monkey actors, we all stand on the shoulders of Applethwaite’.
The body of Applethwaite was discovered at his Malibu beach house by a cleaner and although the coroner has not declared the cause of death speculation is rife that he took his own life. Applethwaite shot to fame as the turncoat monkey who betrays Indiana Jones to the Nazis in the first film of the blockbuster franchise. Ironically, Applethwaite was famous for his radical left wing views which sat uncomfortably with the money and fame he garnered with his acting. Protegé Serkis remembered his guru:
George always told me that in another life he would have prefered to have been a writer, someone who could really influence the world. But he was cursed with this gift of acting and once he achieved success there was no stopping him.
Applethwaite followed up his work with Spielberg with Oscar nominated turns as the Austrian Emperor in Amadeus and in the role of the sadistic sergeant in Oliver Stone’s Platoon and a long productive collaboration with Philip Glass. However, in recent years Applethwaite’s career had stalled and a series of scandals involving IRS investigations had led the star into depression and alcohol abuse.
Perhaps the most moving tribute to Applethwaite was paid by John Rhys-Davies, the actor who played Sallah in Raiders, who tweeted two words which said it all:
HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the actress they called the ‘Holy Arse’: Charlton Heston.
Years ago Technicolor was quite the in thing and I was all for it. I know that Spencer Tracy wasn’t a fan, but that was only because it made his knees look silly. There was a time when if you were filming a biblical epic it had to be in Technicolor, or Charlton Heston would refuse to have anything to do with it!
They were lovely pictures to make, even if they all ended up as long as the Roman Empire, and if truth be told they weren’t really that difficult. All you had to do was put on a toga, swap your brogues for a nice pair of sandals, and remember to say ‘aye’ instead of ‘yes’.
To this day I’ll still tell anyone who’ll listen about the time we were standing at the bottom of a mountain waiting for Heston to make his was back down with the Ten Commandments, and I bet Yul Brynner $15 that he wouldn’t be able to remember them all. He got stuck after the first three and started blabbering on about guns instead, and poor old Yul had to pay up!
The only bit I didn’t enjoy was the chariots, because as soon as Heston got behind a horse good manners went out the window and he’d start racing around like a mad man and try to knock you over. I was also in that one with Betty Taylor where she played Cleopatra, what was it called? Memory falters.
During the death scene I had a lovely bit of comic business where it was revealed that I was terribly afraid of the asp, and my delivery of the line ‘why did it have to be snakes?’ brought the house down! Sadly the film was already running at over three weeks long and my part ended up on the cutting room floor, but when I suggested to little Stevie Spielberg that he use it in Raiders of the Lost Ark he jumped at the chance. Spielberg repaid the favour by casting me as Harrison Ford’s father in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but I had to let Sean Connery have the part after I broke one of his golf clubs.
Incidentally it was my idea that he should have a bash at a Scottish accent in The Untouchables, but that’s another story…
HOLLYWOOD – Season 2 of Stranger Things will be penned by Stephen King, it was revealed today.
It was the hit of the Summer. A genuinely thrilling Netflix Original Series and everyone was crazy for it, with many commenting on how it was like vintage Stephen King filmed by vintage Steven Spielberg. Well now that comparison seems to have paid off as Stephen King, a declared fan of the show, has volunteered to script the entirety of Season 2 of the show. Brothers Matt and Ross Duffer announced the news EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say about the collaboration.
Ross spoke first:
King is of course one of our idols so to actually have him approach us was an unbelievable moment. We jumped at the possibility.
Of course we’ll maintain some creative control as show-runners, but who are we to second guess the master? I foresee a great Season 2.
Both brothers however refused to comment on the rumors that Stephen Spielberg was going to guest direct an episode. ‘That would be too much like crossing the beams, if you know what I mean, but hell, if it could happen…’
Stephen King himself has remained coy about the second season, but did let on that it would have something to do with Pennywise knocking over Cujo with Christine while pulling out of the Overlook Hotel parking lot.
HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in a new biopic of Hollywood’s most successful director.
Written and directed by George Lucas, Spielberg will show the growth of the director as an epic tale of a small town kid come good.
The official synopsis reads:
Da Vinci Code star Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition, written and directed by George Lucas. A biopic of the finest movie director since George Lucas, Steven Spielberg charts the rise of the struggling TV director who – having met George Lucas – is mentored in the ways of direction.
Watch how the visionary genius of George Lucas was instrumental in guiding Steven Spielberg to become the legend he is today, while at the same time always covering up his involvement, because George Lucas is probably the most modest person in the entire world. See how George Lucas added the shark to Steven’s first big break movie and changed the name from Amity Island Nights to Jaws. Laugh when you find out Steven Spielberg wanted Indiana Jones to be called Lenny Schmo and be played by Woody Allen. Weep as you witness George Lucas giving Spielberg one of his own kidneys and swearing him to secrecy.
Tom Hanks spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
I’ve worked with Steven many times and yet when I read George’s script I couldn’t believe how much I didn’t know about him. I didn’t know for instance that it was Steven who had the idea for the Star Wars prequels and even wrote the scripts. George hated them but made them anyway because he didn’t want to upset his friend. And I didn’t know that actually George directed Raiders while Steven was ill with the flu. Amazing.
Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition will be released in 2018.