STEVEN SODERBERGH PLANS CONTAGION 2: CORONAVIRUS

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Soderbergh to make sequel to celebrated disease movie Contagion.

The last few weeks Contagion director Steven Soderbergh has been very busy going from house to house telling Americans individually that he was right about a contagious disease coming from China. He phoned the Studio Exec at three o’clock Monday morning and just kept saying: ‘You see? Huh? You see?’ over and over again.

The recent news of the Coronavirus has inspired Soderbergh to make a sequel to the 2011 disaster movie, the events of which seem to mirror contemporary news. Gwyneth Paltrow watchers are on high alert to see if she shows any sign of coughing. She did once but that might have just been because of the candles that were lit close by. Potent candles. Overpowering.

Speaking of the new film Soderbergh said:

The last movie predicted everything so I’m right. Now with this movie I’m going to be right again. Call me Cassandra Soderbergh if you wish. I shan’t complain. In this new film, Matt Damon wins an Oscar for Contagion and I win all the academy awards as well, but a mysterious virus wipes out the entirety of Hollywood. And it’s just myself and Matt and everyone else is dead. And we just hand and watch movies and have a high old time. We watch Sex Lies and Videotape, which amazingly no one watches anymore. Why is that? Did I mention that Quentin Tarantino also dies. Really horribly. Liking coughing and spewing and crying his eyes out.

That sounds…

Yeah I know.

Vindictive. 

Well, I forgot the last act.

Okay what happens then?

The Studio Exec comes along and writes some stupid shit and then he dies.

Right. 

Coughing and spewing and crying…

His eyes out. 

Oh you’ve already read the script?

Contagion 2: Coronavirus will never see the light of day.

STEVEN SODERBERGH RETIRES FROM FILM MAKING FOREVER (AGAIN)

HOLLYWOOD – Lucky Logan director Steven Soderbergh has retired from film making forever again.

Speaking to the Studio Exec, Ocean’s 11 director Steven Soderbergh once more quits directing feature films for good. In an EXCLUSIVE interview, he said:

I’ve had it (again). I want to write novels, or paint or something. I hear curved stitching is very therapeutic.

What’s curved stitching?

It’s when you create lovely patterns with thread through a canvas via holes or pins or something. I don’t actually know, but it’s meant to be great.

Why have you quit again?

I don’t know. It’s just something I like doing every three years or so. I quit and give a bunch of interviews. Then I do TV. Like The Knick. Then I do movies, but for TV like Behind the Candelabra. Then I go back to doing movies. And then I quit.

Aren’t you worried people will get bored?

People like to have a break from me now and then. They think I’m great when I make Ocean’s 11, then I make Ocean’s 12 and 13. They like Solaris then I go Haywire, literally. You’ll see.  A little break from me as I quit forever, never to return, no not ever. And I’ll be back in six months with a new movie. But for now, I’ll never make another movie ever again.

Steven Soderbergh’s Curved Stitching will be released in 2018.

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SUNDANCE

UTAH – Sundance is American Independent cinema’s annual gathering, taking place in the high altitude resort of Park City and promoted by Robert Redford. But how much do we really know about this most secretive of cinematic happenings.

The Studio Exec FACT squad – under the direction of Steven Soderbergh – were dropped by helicopter to find out.

1. Although success at Sundance is a guarantee of lifelong wealth (see Steven Soderbergh), failure at Sundance can result in the payment of a terrible price. Filmmakers whose films are met with anything less than enthusiasm are ritually stripped of their clothes and forced to run through the snow in the nude, midst pelting stones and stinging mockery. 

2. The name Sundance comes from a role that Robert Redford played in the film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. However, for the first seven years of its thirty year existence the festival went by a number of names, including: ‘The Big Halsy Fest’, ‘The Sting Fest’ and the ‘The Bob Woodward Festival for the Appreciation of the Cinematic Arts.’

 3. Paul Newman also started a film festival in Berlin, Germany called ‘The Butch Cassidy Film Festival’ but he was so cool, he forgot to tell anybody about it and, after a disastrous inauguration year, it changed its name to ‘The Berlin Cassidy Film Festival’ and then ‘The Berlin Film Festival.’

4. Approximately 62% of the state of Utah are Mormons, which means for a film to be shown, there must be no scenes of coffee drinking and at least two wives per male character. 

5. The first film ever to be shown at the Sundance Film Festival was The Bad News Bears Go To Japan. The filmmakers were stripped naked and forced to run through the snow in the nude, midst pelting stones and stinging mockery.

For more FACTS click HERE.

STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 7

HOLLYWOOD – Being the Seventh installment of Not Making Films by Steven Soderbergh, we give an intimate window into the life of one of cinema’s most beguiling unemployed talents: Steven Soderbergh.

August, 2014.
I get together with Cinemax to talk about The Knick. It’s going to be ER meets the Boardwalk Empire, I tell them. They’re really pleased. They have some suggestions for casting but I tell them that I would really like Jan Michel Vincent and failing him, Clive Owen.

September, 2014.
Although I’m not making films any more and I’m really relieved to be back behind the camera making television in a cinematic way with Clive Owen among others. Jan Michel Vincent turned me down but Clive is okay. The trick to filming him is to get the hair right. As far as I’m concerned Clive Owen’s hair is the star and it just happens to have Clive Owen swinging beneath it.

October, 2014.

The television isn’t working at the moment. The color is ‘on the blink’, as Clive Owen might say. I was watching Raiders of the Lost Ark in black and white anyway and it occurred to me I should put some acid jazz under this and put it on the internet. I could give some guff like reason for it and see what everyone says. The Knick ceases to interest me. It kind of directs itself now. Raiders of the Lost Ark in black and white. Ha ha. I’ma genius.

November, 2014.

Thanksgiving with Ben and Matt. They’re such jokers those guys and boy can they drink beer. We’re always talking about how I don’t direct films anymore and I say to them, I really like the freedom I have and I’m really happy and I just leave it out there, but they just look at each other and smirk. I’m sure they’re desperate to get me back directing again. The silence whenever it comes up is eloquent.

December, 2014.

I don’t like biscuits anymore.

January, 2015.

I was watching 2001: a Space Odyssey the other day and I missed five minutes because I had to go to the toilet, and then I thought what if I edited 2001: a Space Odyssey? Do you think Kubrick would mind? Of course not, I said to myself. He’s dead. Next month, I’m doing Rocky IV with a new classical score and I’m going to do all the voices.

For more of Not Making Films: The Steven Soderbergh Diaries Click Here.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED ABOUT THE KNICK

HOLLYWOOD – Cinemax’s Steven Soderbergh-directed TV drama The Knick, stars Clive Owen as a surgeon working at the turn of the century in a New York hospital and pushing the boundaries of medicine while taking smack.

But what do we really know? We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to get its hands dirty with the blood of pre-antibiotic sepsis gunk.

1. Steven Soderbergh is still directing films. Sure they’re films shown on HBO and Cinemax but they’re films.

2. Clive Owen.

3. All alcoholics walk around with a bottle in their hand. All prostitutes are genuinely drop dead gorgeous.

4. Race riots have an aphrodisiac-like effect. When in episode 7 a police man is stabbed by a black man and killed – ever on the pulse of current events. Oh wait…  – a race riot breaks out. Following the drama of the doctors and nurses rescuing their black patients, they unwind with cast wide nookie.

5. Electronic ambient music pre-dates both jazz and rock n’ roll. Cliff Martinez based his score on music from the archives of the American Musical History institute, which gathered street music from New York in the early 1900s. French pioneer Jean Michel Jarre would rediscover this music and make it the basis for a series of albums in the 1980s.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

JAMES WOODS LOSES FORTUNE IN CERAMICS

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood actor James Woods admitted today he had lost his entire fortune in a misguided investment in ceramic action figures.

The Videodrome actor admitted he had been misled by his business associates:

They told me that the technology was very advanced and the action figures wouldn’t break. Donnie and Vincent Beacon told me the figures would be suitable for all ages as well as be worth a lot of money potentially as collectibles with time. We made Pacific Rim action figures, X-Men and the characters from all the Steven Soderbergh films, in particular Behind the Candelabra and Haywire. Unfortunately, the Beacon brothers had strung me along with a lot of false information and the figures broke extremely easily into very sharp pieces. In fact they crumbled. In some cases children were badly injured both when the figures broke like shrapnel and when subsequently some of the children ingested fragments, tempted by the fact we had perhaps unwisely flavoured them strawberry.

When asked about the extent of his financial losses, the Once Upon a Time in America star broke down in tears and moaned like an animal:

They wiped me out. Those bastards. I poured everything in. Even what I got from Salvador and I never got much from that. But still. Now I don’t have a pot to piss in. The house is gone, my cars, my collection of vintage hats. I asked them again and again, I told them Pacific Rim action figures in ceramics? Are you sure? They said yeah. Those little motherf*ckers blew up in my face. There was the money I lost and then on top of that there have been a series of law suits, all of which we have lost.

Anyone who wishes to help James Woods, if you have a room, a small job to do, gardening whatever, please contact us at studioexec1@gmail.com

NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 6

HOLLYWOOD – Being the sixth instalment of Not Making Films by Steven Soderbergh, we give an intimate window into the life of one of cinema’s most beguiling unemployed talents: Steven Soderbergh.

Continue reading “NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 6”

MAGIC MIKE 2: MAGIC MICHELLE?

HOLLYWOOD – Channing Tatum star and upcoming director has been talking up the Magic Mike sequel due for release in the Summer of 2015 and revealed an important plot point.

The 22 Jump Street star revealed the original premise to the Studio Exec exclusively yesterday:

We went quite far with the world of male stripping and it was a world I knew about and Steven was really interested in. And that worked for the first film. But I began to think early on in the process for doing the sequel, why don’t we flip it? What about a bit of a reversal? I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if it was a woman who took of her clothes for money and not a man? Yeah, you see. I just blew your mind. 

Wow.

I know, right? I mean men taking off their clothes, we’ve seen that. We know what that’s about. Men stripping for girls and women, or for other men. It’s familiar. But a woman, by which I mean a lady, taking of her clothes that’s… transgressive.

So the story? 

Mike’s sister (Rooney Mara) – who’s always been a bit judgmental of the whole stripping thing – she is a bit down on her look and she meet Michelle Rodriguez, a wild child, who introduces her to the shadowy depths of ‘female’ strip clubs. It’s going to be pretty far out.

Aren’t you worried about classification?

The last thing we want to do is anything tasteless. We know how much the culture can take and where the line is drawn. I think the whole of the Hollywood establishment would revolt and lynch us if they believed even for a second that we were showing female flesh excessively or purely for titillation. And they’d be right. After all those are our sisters, our mothers, our daughters man.

Isn’t there a risk that other, seedier directors might exploit this new idea?

There is always that risk but I would actually then rely on the moral probity of everyone in this industry to act as a kind of safe fail device, protecting the public from the objectification of women. Something that has so far never happened and I would hope will never happen, either in this film or in any films to come.

Magic Michelle will be released July 4, 2015. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.

NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 5.

HOLLYWOOD – Being the fifth instalment of Not Making Films by Steven Soderbergh, we give an intimate window into the life of one of cinema’s most beguiling talents: Steven Soderbergh.

February 26th, 2014

You know I got so confused today. I’d ordered my tux, I was looking good, I had a date, she looked great. I called the limo service. They sent round a real swank job. But when we got to the Dolby theater they told me the Oscars weren’t until the week after. Did I feel like a klutz!?

March 2nd, 2014

So I double check the date and I’m certain. I even call up Matt Damon and although he asks who I am (for a joke) he tells me ‘Yes, the Oscars is today’. Phew. Back in the tux, order my date. She looks great. I call the limo service. They come pick us up. We head for the Dolby and when we get there they won’t let me in. Turns out you have to be making films in order to get an invite. I was making so many films, I thought they handed out invites like fliers. Turns out no. My date was so disappointed. We watched the ceremony on the TV in a bar off the strip. Wonderful what they can do with film now. Gravity! Wow. Still, it’s a young man’s game. I’m not sure I have the energy to actually be going into space just to make a film.

 For more extracts from Not Making Films: the Steven Soderbergh Diaries please CLICK HERE! 

MADS MIKKELSEN AND CLINT EASTWOOD SIGN UP FOR IKEA: THE MOTION PICTURE

STOCKHOLM – Following a long drawn out pre-production period, Ikea: the Motion Picture will finally start filming in March.

The film plots the rise of the Swedish home furnishings giant with Mads Mikkelsen starring as Ingvard Kamprad, the founder who gave his initials to the company name. Clint Eastwood will play his father, a mystical figure who has a special relationship to the furniture.

‘To my father,’ Ingvard wrote in his autobiography Flatpack. ‘A chair was not just a chair, it was a person. If anyone sat on the chair my father would have a fit. Literally a fit. Foaming at the mouth and everything.’

Originally, it was a pet project of Ingmar Bergman, but having written and rewritten the script he abandoned it. ‘It would seem to be working but then I would get home and there would something missing,’ wrote Bergman in his biography The Eighth Seal and Counting.

Clint’s best friend

From Bergman it moved to famed Italian director, Sergio Leone, but Leone was offered the chance of making Once Upon a Time in America and so passed on the project. It was rumored that Kubrick had plans to take the project forward – declaring it ‘sublimely boring’ – plans which were tragically cut short by his death.

Finally Steven Soderbergh has agreed to film it because ‘I have nothing to do this Wednesday.’

Ikea: the Motion Picture will be released in 2015.

STEVEN SODERBERGH TO MAKE 1 LAST FILM A YEAR UNTIL 2025

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Soderbergh has announced that he is to definitively retire ever year until 2025, when he is hoping to resume his film making career.

His last two last films Side Effects and the Cannes bound Behind the Candelabra will serve for 2013, but there will be a new last Soderbergh film, accompanied by a plethora of interviews about how sick and tired he is of the whole film making business.

Soderbergh watcher and cheese expert Xavier Poulis commented on the latest twist in the drama:

Steven has always run ahead of the pack. He starts his career by jumping the shark and then goes on from there. I remember the first time I ever saw Haywire and I said to myself:  “Acid jazz and a bad actress, who else but Steven?”

British film director and sworn enemy Michael Winterbottom said: “Soderbergh is a hack, a washed up hack. He has to feed the press these goof ball stories only because his films are so uninteresting. And he hasn’t got any hair! He’s a baldy! A bald eagle specky four eyes and I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!”

Soderbergh responded to Winterbottom’s comments via his blog:

I have read with sadness Mr. Winterbottom’s comments, who although not a friend is a fellow professional, whom I do admire. All I have to say in response is: I know you are; what am I?

A festival of Steven Soderbergh’s final films is currently underway at the London BFI.