STEVE MARTIN IS LAUREL AND HARDY

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin has revealed that he is to play Laurel and Hardy in a new version of Way Out West to be directed by Robert Zemeckis.

‘We’ll use some CGI,’ said The Man with Two Brains, ‘But this will be largely live action, with me playing both roles.’

The beloved comedy duo were a sublime comedy double team so how will Cheaper by the Dozen Martin face the challenge of playing not one part but both?

Steve Martin told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When I was acting in The Jerk I sat down and I wrote a list of comedy heroes, but I wanted to overcome and defeat. To eat up whole if you like. Phil Silvers as Sgt. Bilko, Spencer Tracy in Father of the Bride, Peter Sellers as Inspector Clousseau. I think – without wanting to appear hubristic – that I’ve managed to achieve my ambition. When anyone thinks of those characters, they don’t think of Sellers, or Silvers, or Tracy, they immediately think of Steve Martin. That’s me. Steve Martin. The King of Comedy.

 Robert Zemeckis seems a trifle embarrassed, ‘The thing about rediscovering a classic is that…’

‘We should call it Stevel and Stevey!’ shouts Steve Martin. ‘I mean after the film, no one’s going to think of those bozos any more.’

Who next?

Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? After I finish with Laurel and Hardy, first I’m going to make a film called Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein and I’ll play Abbot and Costello and Frankenstein. Then it’s on to the Marx Brothers, where I’ll play all four and the harp.

‘Way Out West is due for a Xmas release 2019.

BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

FAMILY FILMS FOR THANKSGIVING

HOLLYWOOD – First off and right off the bat, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! There I done and said it.

Now you ate the turkey? Good. You talked to your relatives? Great. You punched Uncle Dwayne in the throat and left him sitting on his ass in the yard, wheezing for breath? Check.

So perhaps it’s time you settled the whole family down around the flat screen television and put on a film for the whole family to enjoy, from little Timmy Jr to Grammy Elspeth and this is where the Studio Exec comes in to guide you to Happy Family Thanksgiving Viewing.

1. The Act of Killing: Joshua Oppenheimer’s documentary takes as its subject matter the mass murders that followed an unsuccessful coup attempt in 1965 Indonesia and eventually led to thirty years of Suharto and military dictatorship. The murderers themselves have never been brought to justice, but in a stroke of mad genius they are persuaded to re-enact their atrocities for the camera and in so doing come to recognize to some degree the dark evil they perpetrated. The kids are crying; everyone’s upset. You never knew there was such darkness in the world. No? Well, maybe…

2. Prisoners: Send the kids out to play down the street near that creepy looking RV while you watch this gripping drama, featuring Hugh Jackman and Jake BlinkingHaal. Jackman is a father who’s child goes missing during a Thanksgiving Dinner when… Wait, where are the kids? Jesus Christ, where’s the RV gone? Timmy! TIMMMMY!!

3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Now, we’re on safe ground. John Candy, that big guy always makes me laugh. And there’s Steve Martin and he came out of the womb with grey hair, crazy feet and probably playing the banjo, because he’s you know multi-talented. Fantastic. I guarantee by the end of the film you’ll be weeping, and if you want to weep a little be harder, thinking that the massive talent who made this then went out turd out Home Alone and Home Alone 2. Yeah, I know. Sniff. Get’s me every time. Why, John, why? WHY!??

4. The Human Centipede Trilogy: I know what you are going to say, surely this isn’t appropriate! But think a while. All that food, the pumpkin pie, the turkey with all the trimmings, the endless potatoes, it all has to go somewhere so why not give the family a few ideas about the digestive tract. Thanksgiving is a time for feasting but it also a time for a healthy slice of body disgust and what would be better than Tom Six’s grotesque classic.

5. The Crucible: Daniel Day Lewis and Winona Ryder have sex and we don’t get to see it. And that isn’t the only disappointment. All those cartoon versions of the Pilgrim fathers, the founders of this great nation are made cuddly with tradition and time so why not add a corrective in Arthur Miller’s wonderful play that shows what a bunch of bigoted assholes they really were. You could also watch Little Big Man or 1492 to see how the Thanksgiving we enjoy cost the indigenous peoples of this fair land … well, basically everything!

Happy Thanksgiving from all here at The Studio Exec.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IS ACTUALLY 46

NEW YORK – Following the much celebrated 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, it was revealed today that SNL like many in show business was lying about its age.

Although the official biography states that the popular Saturday evening sketch show from New York was first broadcast on October 11, 1975, the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the show had in fact been running six years prior to its official broadcast date. TV critic Harold Palstien spoke to Studio Exec:

Of course everyone remembers the 1975 show with John Belushi, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. What they don’t remember is that originally the show was produced with a different cast and Lorne Michaels was desperately trying to garner favor with an older demographic. In 1969 Saturday Night Live debuted with Trevor Howard, Gregory Peck, David Niven and Roger Moore. They were all fine comedians in their own way, but they just didn’t gel. Later Peck would make the hilarious Omen, but it was obvious he wasn’t read for the sketch show format and didn’t really understand it. Howard was drinking very hard at the time and it was affecting his performance. And David Niven had decided rashly to improvize and refused to learn any of the material.

The New York Times reviewing the show called it ‘By far the worse thing to happen to my eyes, since I was stabbed in one of them by a sharp pencil in 1954. And that at least had the positive side effect that it didn’t have to submit to the indignity of SNL.’ However, others believed that the vintage show was ‘much better than when Dana Carver or Eddie Murphy were in it’, as Mike Myers wrote

Saturday Night Live continues.

‘WE ARE FAMILY’ WILL NEVER BE USED IN A TRAILER AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin/Whoopi Goldberg family friendly comedies will never be the same again after Nile Rogers decided yesterday to permanently withdraw ‘We Are Family’ from the public sphere.

The 1979 Sister Sledge hit has been a staple of advertising and feel good comedies, but as Mr. Rogers, who penned the song with the late Bernard Edwards, said yesterday ‘I’m sick of the goddam sound of the goddam thing!’

Music historian Haverman Belt lamented the decision:

Whenever an odd ball group of people are finding hitherto unsuspected affinity with one another as they establish a small business, repair a fire engine, walk a ridiculous number of dogs or put up several tents, the musical montage will now be a poorer place.  

Steve Martin also commented, remarking that Cheaper By the Dozen 3 the long awaited sequel to the most popular pro-Choice comedy franchise in history now looks much less likely.

 

‘We were writing the script around the song,’ said the silver haired one.

Cheaper By the Dozen 3: the Vasectomy will be released in 2015.

STEVE MARTIN CONFIRMS CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 3

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news all Cheaper by the Dozen fans have been waiting for: Steve Martin has finally agreed to come on board for what promises to be very literally the concluding film in the hilarious trilogy.

The zany star was a hard man to convince according to director Shawn Levy.

Steve is an artist and as such he is dead against reprising a role only for the sake of money. His three magic words are originality, originality, originality. I needed to give him a compelling story, an intelligent and nuanced script, and moral that he could get behind. I think Cheaper By the Dozen 3 will deliver on all fronts.

Once more Martin plays Tom Baker, the wacky dad of twelve kids. Following on from what many claim to be the funniest film ever made, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, the new film sees the cast reunited with Bonnie Hunt once more in the role of Tom’s fecund wife and Hilary Duff (among others) as members of their cute brood.

“The new film is going to be dark,” Duff said. “We are catching up with the family some years down the line and things have not gone well. There have been drug overdoses, serial infidelity and several suicide attempts. And some of the older kids aren’t doing too well either.”

Cheaper By the Dozen 3 begins filming in 2017.  

STEVE MARTIN TO STAR IN FATHER OF THE GROOM

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin is set to star in the final film of the Father of the Bride trilogy but with a twist: it’s totally GAY! 

Father of the Groom will star Martin as George, whose son falls in love with a marine and wants to marry him – a man! George is disgusted but his hippy wife, played by Diane Keaton, kicks him out and George goes to stay with his friend Reggie (John Goodman) a pastor for the Westboro Baptist Church who thoroughly condones George’s reactionary stance. However, when Martin Short’s horrifically gay wedding organizer turns up at the house to persuade George to reconcile with his gay son, Reggie feels repressed urges arising and suddenly a double wedding looks to be on the cards. 

For more Steve Martin news, Click Here. 

STEVE MARTIN MAKES CHEAPER BY THE TWO FOR CHINA

BEIJING – With the aim of capturing the massive Chinese audience, Steve Martin is to remake his 2003 remake Cheaper by the Dozen explicitly for China with the new title: Cheaper by the Two.

The story follows the difficulties of Bill Mumy (Steve Martin) and his wife Linda (Bonnie Hunt) as he tries to juggle his busy work life, when he is hired to coach a Chinese baseball team, with his massive family of two riotous children, played by Jonah Hill and Eddie Murphy. Martin said spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec this evening:

We’re absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to retell this story for a different audience and – as family is a universal theme – we are confident that we will connect with the Asian cinema-going public and money. Money money money.

And you get to work with Eddie Murphy again.

Ha ha. Yes. Poor Eddie, poor, poor Eddie. Yes, we’ll obviously be CGIing him and Jonah so they look small enough to be kids. Benjamin Button them in reverse.

Are there any changes you had to make to the script to fit audience expectations? 

None at all. I wrote what I thought was the best script and we shot it and that’s the film that we’ll release. Some might look at the scene where we denounce the next door neighbour for his critical remarks against the Party as trying to win favour with the authorities but actually I feel that the comedy execution scene and the part where his wife gets the bill for the bullets is just gold.

Cheaper by the Two will be released in China in 2015.

STEVE MARTIN IS BENNY HILL

 

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin has confirmed that his new assault on the Golden Age of Comedy – following Bilko, Father of the Bride and The Pink Panther – will be a biopic of British comedy legend Benny Hill, tentatively entitled The Hill Has Eyes (for Scantily Clad Ladies).

From his secret layer deep in the Hollywood hills, the grey haired one commented:

This project is very close to my heart. When I was growing up as a young man I would always watch Phil Silvers Peter Sellers old Spencer Tracy films the Benny Hill Show. I used to love the way he cheated the Army authorities was chased by women everywhere with his unmistakeable French accent cheeky grin. I hope in a small way this film will be a tribute to work that he and Katherine Hepburn did. 

Plot details are few but Sir Ben Kingsley is already on board in the role of Jackie Wright, the little old man who Benny would often slap patronizingly on the top of his bald head during speeded up chase scenes. Sir Kingsley said that he regarded the role as the most difficult of his career:

If you look at what Wright did, it wasn’t just being slapped on the top of the head, any jobbing comic could do that, it was the artistry, the look of subtle sadness in his eyes, which said, “this is not I being slapped on the head by Benny Hill, it is humanity being slapped on the top of the head by LIFE”! I full expect to be knighted again following this performance. And hopefully the Queen will deign to pat me on the top of the head with her sword. Ha ha ha ha!  

The Hill Has Eyes (For Scantily Clad Ladies) is due to be released in 2015.

SHORT ANSWERS TO LONG QUESTIONS: STEVE MARTIN

A new series which proposes to answer long questions about any topic relating to film or television with both brevity and accuracy.

Question: Are Steve Martin‘s re-imaginings of films made by his comic heroes – such as his 1996 version of Bilko or his two films based on Spencer Tracy’s Father of the Bride or even his Peter Sellers violating Pink Panther films – in anyway positively comparable to the originals?

Answer: No.

THE THREE AMIGOS ENTER THE GAZA STRIP













JERUSALEM – The conflict between Israel and Palestine took a dramatic turn yesterday after Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander entered Gaza City.


CNN correspondent Robert Steel bore witness to The Three Amigos unexpected arrival.

“In my 25 years of reporting I have never beheld such an awesome sight” said an awe struck Steel.

” The city had been subjected to two hours of aerial bombardment by Israeli fighter jets and everyone was feeling pretty dejected. Suddenly I glanced towards the hills and through the smoke and flames I saw the silhouettes of three figures on horseback appearing from the mist. At first I thought I’d puffed too much sheesha the night before but as they came closer, I realized it was actually them!”

Steel said he was worried The Amigos would be greeted with hostility from the Palestinians but those worries were soon abated

” The people cheered and lined the streets as the Amigos rode down the main thoroughfare. They waved at the crowds and signed autographs as they made their way to their hotel. Unfortunately the hotel had been destroyed the day before so they are camping out in the basement of a Halal butchers.”

So far it has not been confirmed if the Three Amigos are on a peace keeping mission or if they intend to take up arms against the Israelis. However their friend and colleague the Invisible swordsmanis convinced that peace , is the last thing on the Amigos mind.

“Those bitches mean business!” said a refreshingly transparent swordsman.

The Amigos are currently unavailable for comment but they did release the following statement:

Wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering, we’ll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find…
The Three Amigos!