PAUL RUDD TO PLAY STEVE GUTTENBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Rudd is to play Steve Guttenberg in a new biopic of the actor made famous by Cocoon, Three Men and a Baby and Police Academy.

The new Ant-Man, Paul Rudd, spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Steve Guttenberg was my inspiration growing up and I would never have thought to have challenged the role if it wasn’t for the fact that the script was out of this world and Alejandro González Iñárritu is a director I greatly admire.

Based on Iñárritu’s own script the film – provisionally entitled Guttenberg – focuses on a late moment in Steve Guttenberg’s career. Rudd explains:

This is not a classical biopic which sweeps from childhood through early struggles and success to inevitable decline. Instead we find Steve at a later part of his career. The heady days of the Eighties are over and the nineties have been dry, but Steve is preparing his directorial debut P.S. Your Cat Is Dead. Alejandro sees the film as a companion to Birdman, continuing his obsession with stars of the 80s and 90s, seeking to make artistic statements.

Did you see the original film?

Yes. It should be a lot better known. It’s really good. We want to make people realize that the guy from Short Circuit was an accomplished actor and director and not think of him as simply a possible cloned threat from China.

A what?

  There’s talk that China have 3D printed an army of Guttenbergs.

Good God!

Quite.

Guttenberg Will be released in 2023.

CHINA 3D PRINT AN ARMY OF GUTTENBERGS

The Chinese government have confirmed that they have successfully 3D printed an army of Steve Guttenbergs

 

BEIJING – The Chinese government have confirmed that they have successfully 3D printed an army of Steve Guttenbergs, but have assured the West that they are only to be used in cases of extreme defense and/or ‘to f*ck up Tibet’.

The Studio Exec previously reported how 3D printers when set to random would print a Guttenberg, but this was initially perceived to have been a glitch in the hardware. It has now become apparent that the Chinese have either taken advantage of the glitch, or had designed the 3D printers intentionally to create weapon grade Guttenbergs. 

The star of Police Academy, Three Men and a Baby, Cocoon and P.S. I Killed Your Cat is reportedly sanguine about having been cloned. He issued the following statement:

I believe that the Chinese government have taken this action only in the interests of world peace. With the power vacuum left by the collapse of American power abroad, it behooves the world’s largest economy to step in and take over the role of global policeman. If they need to do so using clones based on my image, then all I can say is the world is in safe hands.

President Obama expressed concern at the escalation, and international observers voiced worries that a new arms race is in progress, as reports reached us last night that the Russians have deployed an army of Kelsey Grammers on the Ukraine border.

What do you think? Should Steven Guttenberg be taken out as a ‘preventative measure’? Leave a brain stain in the comments box below.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STEVE GUTTENBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Who is Steve Guttenberg?

The myths and legends, the lies and calumny, the wishful thinking and nonsense that has cocooned the famous actor Steve Guttenberg need to be policed and for this, we go to the Truth Academy, where the Studio Exec will let you know how it went down and why.

One. He’s still alive.

Two. Steve is a classically trained actor, attending the prestigious Julliard school and studying under John Houseman, before going to California and appearing in Police Academy.

Three. When filming Cocoon, Steve played a trick on the director Ron Howard by giving what he described as ‘the flattest performance I could manage, just completely wooden.’ Unfortunately, Ron didn’t notice and the performance stayed in the picture.

Four. While filming Three Men and a Baby, the story of three confirmed bachelors who are lumbered with a baby who accidentally also happens to have a kilo of cocaine in her diapers, Steve and co-stars Ted Danson and Tom Selleck insisted on taking huge quantities of cocaine ‘to be true to the spirit of the film’.

Five. As well as being a talented actor, Steve is also a trained assassin. His long absence from the screen in the nineties was due to a series of jobs he undertook for a Colombian drug syndicate  ‘I had to take up the slack after Selleck backed out,’ he said of those years. ‘It was fun. I traveled and met some swell people.’

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

NORTH KOREA TEST ORLANDO BLOOM

SEOUL – Reports are coming in that North Korea have successfully tested an Orlando Bloom in the Sea of Japan.

There have been rumors for weeks; noise and what the CIA call ‘chatter’ from Pyongyang that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had developed their very own Orlando Bloom and were ready to detonate him as a show of strength to their southern neighbors as well as other powers in the region. China had been among the powers urging caution and diplomatic channels with the North Koreans and the leader Kim Jong-un had been opened in order to prevent an escalation of blandness. President Barack Obama, while visiting Britain last week, commented that:

Though many might see our position as hypocrisy – we after all have the original Orlando Bloom, and have had him for years – we must assure the North Koreans, Pakistan, Israel and any other power intent on developing their own Orlando Bloom option, that we deeply regret having our own OB and we are seeking ways of safely decommissioning him.

The detonation was detected by scientists using instruments which are usually dedicated to  warning of Tsunamis. One scientist told the Exec, ‘the instruments were off the scale and suddenly we all felt listless and bored.’ The detonation comes only months after China was accused of 3D printing an entire army of Steve Guttenbergs.

More on this story as it develops.

ALEC GUINNESS WILL NOT BE IN THE FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – It will be a disappointment to many, but today it was revealed that Alec Guinness will not return to his role as Obi Wan Kenobi in the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Alec Guinness played Obi Wan Kenobi in the very first Star Wars has been a great favorite of fans, reappearing as a ghost in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but J.J. Abrams in a video interview for Hollywood Reporter revealed that Guinness would not be in Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

Abrams explained, responding to a question from Steve Guttenberg:

I’m afraid we won’t have Obi Wan Kenobi back. Although Ewan MacGregor has been eager, persistent, some might even say borderline stalkery, we just didn’t feel the character would real fit in with our universe and our take on where we wanted to go. As for Alec Guinness, sadly Alec passed away in 2000.

However, some fan sites have reacted with disappointment and anger at the decision. ManyBothansDied.net published a scathing post that went so far as to call for a boycott and dismissed Abrams’ ‘reasons’ as bogus.

Obi Wan Kenobi as played by Alec Guinness is an essential element to the Star Wars mythos and should be included. As for Mr. Guinness being dead, sharp-eyed fans will notice that so is Kenobi in Empire and Jedi. Far from impossible to have the deceased Guinness play the role, if anything, it would be typecasting! I’m sure his ghost would be more than happy to alleviate the tedium of the afterlife with an opportunity to be part of the most successful, Science Fiction/Fantasy franchise in the history of the world.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released in December, 2015. For more on Star Wars click here.

DON JOHNSON AND STEVE GUTTENBERG CONFIRM POLICE ACADEMY: ASSIGNMENT MIAMI VICE

MIAMI – Don Johnson and Steve Guttenberg are to team up for the best mash up movie of the 80s EVER: Police Academy: Assignment Miami Vice.

Director, Alan Parker, said that the film will partly be a remake of Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach ‘but as we had Don interested we changed the script so we could bring in his character of Detective James Crockett.’
A short synopsis issued by the studio reads:

When Officer Carey Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg), now a teacher at the famous Police Academy takes his rambunctious and hilarious misfit students on a field trip to Miami, he was hoping for a week of bikini clad fun, but instead he ended up gatecrashing Detective Crockett’s (TV’s Don Johnson) toughest assignment yet. And when a bunch of Chinese  North Korean terrorists kidnap Crockett it is up to Mahoney and the gang of surprisingly old students to rescue him and foil a plot to blow up something inexpensive.

Johnson said he was delighted to be working with the director of Midnight Express on such potentially award worthy material and Gu
ttenberg said he was delighted to be working. Guttenberg expanded:


When I first heard about the project I thought oh no. Because I had turned down the original Miami Police Academy movie thinking basically I’d done four and it was time to get into some serious acting. Little did I know of the wasteland that my career was to become.   

Parker revealed also that he wanted Philip Michael Thomas to return as Tubbs, Crockett’s erstwhile partner, but the actor turned down the role citing scheduling problems with his infomercial commitments. 

Police Academy: Assignment Miami Vice will be released in 2017.

MICKEY ROURKE’S FACE FALLS OFF

MIAMI – The Wrestler and Rumble Fish actor Mickey Rourke was rushed to hospital last night after his face fell off.

The actor was at a Miami Beach restaurant I Love Sushi when fellow diners noticed his face slipping.

An eyewitness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It was the weirdest thing I ever saw. He had finished his noodle soup with green peppers and was starting on his sushi, when suddenly Steve Guttenberg, who was eating opposite him, said ‘Mickey, Mickey your eyes!’

A shocked Guttenberg spoke on the phone:

 Where his eyes were there were these lumps of skin and his nose had just gone all squishy. At first I didn’t know what was happening and then – like an avalanche of tired old flesh – it just all went schlupp and landed in his sushi platter. Mickey didn’t seem to be in any pain. He just looked at me and smiled that crooked little smile of his and then called for a towel. It was typical Mickey. Only he would choose a sushi restaurant in Miami Beach.

Rourke reportedly toweled off the sticky mixture of gore and fixing paste to reveal his shocking new face, which looks remarkably similar to how he looked in 1988. A spokesperson for Rourke commented:

There is no need for panic this happens about every twenty years to Mickey. He sheds his skin you know. Like a snake. Or xenomorph. Mickey is in no pain and is in fact delighted. He’s sure that now he will get some different roles and won’t have to demean himself with that Whiplash bullshit he had to do in Iron Man 2.

Mickey Rourke will be appearing in Diner 2: McDonald’s in 2019.

FIRST LOOK AT EDDIE REDMAYNE IN CHASTAIN

HOLLYWOOD – The first image has emerged of Oscar Winner Eddie Redmayne in the lead role of his new film Chastain, a biopic based on the life of legendary Hollywood actress Jessica Chastain.

In the picture, Eddie Redmayne has quite clearly transformed himself into the very verisimilitude of the Tree of Life and Lawless actress. We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the actor about what inspired him to take on the role:

Jessica Chastain is for all of us in the acting profession the absolute pinnacle.  It used to be Steve Guttenberg, but he hasn’t done much recently so now it’s Jessica Chastain. What people don’t know is that Jessica Chastain has been in over four hundred and sixty seven films. Don’t check that on IMDb because she often goes uncredited just blending into a crowd scenes or fetching a duellist a glass of ice water. There’s even an early appearance Jessica makes in Crimson Tide where she plays a part of the submarine. That is the commitment to the craft that I have been inspired by.

The film written by Peter Morgan and directed by Clint Eastwood follows the actress from her humble beginnings as a drama student to Hollywood and her career as the only actress to have appeared in all the films released in one calendar year, a feat she achieved in 2012.  Redmayne continues:

Of course, I’m a man and so it is a stretch for me to try and encompass Jessica both the artist and the human being. I have to get up very early and go into make up. I’m in there for at least twelve minutes. Every day. And the transformation is complete. Clint asked me if I was sure I could commit, but I just wanted him to agree to me before he saw Jupiter Ascending.

Chastain will be released in 2016.

DISNEY SECURE RIGHTS TO THE 80S

HOLLYWOOD – In a power move that would make Gordon Gecko blush, Disney secure the rights to the decade formally known as the 1980s (now to be known as The 19-Disneys).

In a Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE Disney CEO Bob Iger relates the macabre experience of negotiating with the sinister keepers of the 80s.

So Bobby boy, Bob, Mr. Iger, ahem, how does one go about purchasing the 80s? Who has the rights? 

If I had known, oh if only I had known…such is the folly of man that he must forever inquire into the world’s deep and dark secrets. The ‘Neon Decade’ has been passed from one shiny glove wearing hand to another. there were rumors that David Bowie had the rights and had them enshrined in a sarcophagus in his residence high in the Swiss Alps;  freak weather however, destroyed Bowie’s mountain and he renounced his claim of the decade shortly thereafter. Oh, if only those secrets had perished in those rocky European chasms!

How did Disney get involved?

We had agents all over the world scouting for traces of the lost ‘rights’ and eventually someone heard of a cabal called ‘The Keepers of the Dread Child’ who claimed to have the rights to the 80s in their possession and who were willing to trade for something of equally magnificent value. In my arrogance I decided to personally negotiate with these shadowy figures. Eventually, one night I found myself led blindfold down endless flights of stairs, somewhere in Iceland.

Wow! This sh*t is intense … go on.

When my blindfold was removed I found I was kneeling in front of an alter of sorts, flanked by two immense thrones. The occupiers were none other than Steve Guttenberg and Peter Gabriel. Like two titans of unimaginable antiquity they sat there regarding me with imperial indifference. I thought I was to be judged and sentenced by them, such was the magisterial air of the whole affair. Then they spoke, in unison … which was weird. Their words echoed and swirled in my mind until I was not sure whether t’was some form of telepathy, but the gist was thus; between the thrones, on the alter, under a glittering sheath lay ‘The Dread Child’; a sleeping avatar of the 1980s, preserved and peaceful, and he who hath the power to carry him up the flights of stairs was welcome to him and thus the bounty of the 80s … in addition to one final exchange of equal value … a child for a child!

Incredible! So who was the ‘Dread Child?’

Um, that weird little kid with the floppy hair from ‘The Never Ending Story’, ‘Daryl’ and ‘Cocoon’

Oh yeah, that kid, what’s his name?

Like you ever knew! Who cares? Anyway, so I had to carry the little frozen f*cker up a flight of stairs! Which I did. He’s now safely in the Disney vaults and the 80s belongs to us.

What about the final exchange? Who did they want in return and why?

May all the Gods forgive me, but they wanted the young, supple body of Tori Spelling and with that, the ownership of the 1990s which, thankfully, Disney had the rights to.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I’m confused, they wanted the ‘young’ Tori Spelling though, how does that work?

We’re Disney. We have access to … certain powers of our own, now, excuse me, I have duties to attend to. The Mouse be praised.

The 19-Disney’s will be launched this summer.

DESERT ISLAND POLICE ACADEMY: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

HOLLYWOOD – Continuing our popular series, Desert Island Police Academy in which we ask celebrities which Police Academy they’d take with them if they were stranded on a Desert Island.

This week Her, We Bought a Zoo and Under the Skin actor, Scarlett Johansson.

So Scarlett, which Police Academy movie would you take with you on your desert island?

I think it would have to be the very first. The concept is fresh, Steve Guttenberg gives the performance of his career and the whole ensemble feels genuinely at ease with each other. The comedy comes thick and fast, as in the best Airplane tradition, but the characters are also there and you genuinely learn to care about them. This is a comedy with a heart of gold.

Great. Thank you very much.

But…

What?

On this desert island what kind of facilities are there for watching discs? And are we talking Blu-Ray or DVD?

We thought we’d go old school with a VHS player and a cassette. 

So there’ll be a TV set.

Yes. 

And presumably a power supply?

Absolutely.

Powered how?

Solar panels.

Nice. Will there be other films to watch?

No. 

Just the first Police Academy?

Yes. 

Okay good.

Wow. 

What?

It’s true then. 

What’s true?

You really are using 100% of the potential of your brain. 

I had to learn to use 100% in order to be utterly convincing as Lucy in the Luc Besson film Lucy.

You’re the best. 

I know.

For more Desert Island Police Academy click here.

 

DESERT ISLAND POLICE ACADEMY: NICK NOLTE

HOLLYWOOD – Introducing a new feature in which the Studio Exec asks top Hollywood celebrities what Police Academy film they would take with them if they were stranded on a desert island.

This week’s guest is  48 Hours and Prince of Tides actor, Nick Nolte.

So Nick, which Police Academy film would you take with you onto a desert island?

Well, Exec, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about just this. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment is for me the top of the whole Academy series.

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What makes you say that?

I think with any comedy series, the first film is fresh and vibrant but at the same time there’s a mad clumsiness to the doings. It’s only with the second film that things truly settle and begin to make sense. You can see this happen with Godfather Part Two and the Ghostbusters films. For their second outing, the stars Steve Guttenberg, David Graff and Marion Ramsey have really found their rhythm. They know and fully inhabit their characters. The jokes are more mature and the move out of the academy gives the film wider social relevance.

What else do you like about the film?

Well, if there is one overwhelming argument for my Police Academy desert island choice it has to be the presence of the legendary Bobcat Goldthwaite, who appears for the first time as Zed, the leader of the street gang the Scullions. He lights up the screen, a truly original comic performer. He gives the other academy stalwarts a run for their money and provides the audience with an unforgettable comedy villain.

Police Academy Desert Island will continue next week.

NATIONAL STEVE GUTTENBERG DAY

HOLLYWOOD – The 22nd of December sees the nationwide celebration of National Steve Guttenberg Day and street parties are planned all across the US.

The Winter solstice is usually famous for inspiring John Donne poems and making everyone feel chilly, but since 1982 National Steve Guttenberg Day has shone like a beacon of hope in the National calendar, proving that even after the longest and darkest and coldest day, hope will be born anew. Celebrations are due to begin in Times Square, New York where a massive inflatable Guttenberg has been blown up by a team of volunteers. Ice sculptures of the Gutt have drawn visitors from far and wide to Fargo, North Dakota.  And later today a tiny army of microscopic Guttenbergs, who have been genetically engineered, are going to be released onto Christmas shoppers to the delight of the terrified children.

Organiser Ben Kingsley spoke to the Studio Exec:

Our aim is to raise awareness of Steve Guttenberg wherever and however we can. He was an inspiration to a whole generation of actors. You watch There Will Be Blood and ask yourself, ‘could Daniel Day Lewis have done that without Steve’s example in Three Men and a Little Lady?’ No, of course he couldn’t. Where would he have got the nerve? The technical skill.

Of course the highlight of Steve Guttenberg Day will climax with a massive firework display in San Diego, California, where Guttenberg hinself is expected to attend and where – as is traditional – he will be murdered by his own doppelgänger in a weird Golden Bough style ceremony.

For more Steve Guttenberg news CLICK HERE.

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

JIM CARREY JOINS TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams have all been cast for True Detective Season 2, the Studio Exec can confirm that Jim Carrey will be joining them in the new HBO show.

According to sources close to the production (it was show runner Nic Pizzolato but he made us promise to be discrete), Jim Carrey has approved the script and will be filming his scenes early next week.

Nic the anonymous source said:

As everyone already knows, we have decided to completely change this season. Not only are the characters going to be different, so is the story and the tone. Although it takes place in the same universe and there will be strands and possible cameos to connect the two seasons we want to do something that is so out there that people will be really knocked over. They’ll say ‘What the F*ck?’ and we’ll say ‘Oh. Yeah’.

What is the Dumb and Dumber star going to contribute?

We’d like to say madcap rubber faced comedy, but having seen Mr. Popper’s Penguins I think we’ll just be happy if there’s some rubber faced nonsense that’ll have to do.  The think I love about Jim is though there is this ostensible humor, at its root there is a Lovecraftian darkness of unspeakable horror and grief, a loathing for the world and all life and a hopelessness that makes Rust Cole seem like Steve Guttenberg. Steve Guttenberg… hmmm. Now there’s a thought.

True Detective Season 2 will be broadcast sometime in 2015.