LONDON – Star of stage and screen, Nanny McPhee and PL Travers, Emma Thompson admitted today that she didn’t have a drinking problem.

‘I’ve not had a drinking problem for several years,’ said Emma. ‘I’ve been pretending all this time because I thought it was a bit of a giggle.’

Rumors that the Sense and Sensibility star might not have a drinking problem started at the Golden Globes. Mark Strong said:

She went on stage and looked woozy, utterly plastered actually, but when she came back she sat down with me and we talked and she seemed perfectly lucid. She had a couple of glasses of wine, but nothing excessive. It was then that I first realized she must be putting it on.

Stephen Fry the host of the BAFTAs was similarly unimpressed by Ms. Thompson’s imbibing. 

As someone who has himself had to deal with addiction problems I’m a pretty good judge of other peoples’ inebriation or otherwise. And I have to say off stage she was stone cold sober, the little pekinese. 

Thompson told the Studio Exec that she wouldn’t be going to a clinic to dry out and she was not a member of AA. She said she wasn’t ashamed, nor was she grateful for all the support she hadn’t received from friends and relatives alike. 

Men, Women & Children will be released in 2014.


OXFORDSHIRE – Wilde star, screenwriter and British brain box, Stephen Fry has signed on to write and star in Wikipedia: the Movie.

‘I’m very psyched (I believe one might say) or, as Proust would have it recerche something something,’ said Prof. Fry.

The plot revolves around Giuseppe Wiki and his inability to effectively plagiarise an essay:

Poor Giuseppe gets caught up in all sorts of conspiracy theories, literary scandals of authors puffing up their own work and denigrating that of rivals. Not to mention a massive tsunami of trivia that make old brainiacs like my good self quiver like the proverbial jelly during the biggest earthquake while visiting a jelly mine in jelly stone park. What!

Ridley Scott will direct and Jessica Chastain will play Disambiguation. 


Earlier today social media platforms exploded with the news that Disney has bought Lucas Film and plans to make Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015.

We caught up with George in his vault dressed in a bathing suit and swimming in gold coins.

George, how the devil are you?

I’m rich baby, rich as rich can be.

So what made you sign over the rights of your life’s work to Disney?

In a word, money. I’m going to buy a continent, maybe Asia and declare myself Emperor.

Exciting stuff. What can you tell us about the upcoming Episodes 7,8,9?

Well it’s pretty simple. Luke has a son, Luke’s wife is killed, Luke turns to the dark side, Luke becomes Vader, Luke’s son becomes a Jedi, Luke’s son Kills Vader.

Wow, that’s original.

Indeed. Then for 10, 11, 12 Luke’s son has a son, the son’s wife is killed, the son turns to the dark side, the son becomes Vader, the Son’s son becomes a Jedi, The Son’s son kills Vader. Rinse and repeat Ad Nauseam until the end of time itself.

Interesting. Who will be playing Luke’s son?

Well it’s got to be Justin Bieber. He has millions of twitter followers and if we cast him that’s like an extra 500 million in the bank.

A shrewd move..anyone else?

Yeah sure. Ricky Gervias, Stephen Fry, Lady Gaga. Basically anyone with over 2 million twitter followers we’ll throw in there.

Will the original cast be returning?

I should think so. Let’s be honest, Fisher and Hamill need the cash and Ford needs a hit. Anyway, if they turn us down we’ll just get Andy Serkis in to play them all via motion capture.

What do you say to all those people who accuse you of destroying their childhoods by ruining a once beloved franchise with endless sequels.

I say F*ck you. I’ve got more money than China what the hell do I care what a bunch of peasants think?

A good point, well made. So what else are you going to do with your enormous wealth?

I’m going to make a sequel to Howard the Duck .

Star Wars Episode 7 to be released in 2015.