XMAS CHARITY APPEAL: CURE STEPHEN BALDWINITIS

HAITI – One child in sixteen born in Haiti today will be infected with Stephen Baldwinitis.

There is no cure, there is very little understanding and victims will often find themselves ostracized from their families and social groups.

What can YOU do?

The first thing is obvious: spread the news. On social media platforms, by word of mouth, talk to your friends and work colleagues about this debilitating condition. Imagine for a moment how you would feel having to go through life looking like the guy from The Usual Suspects. Yes. Terrible isn’t it.

Pioneering researcher Dr. Stephen Farrell has worked with children in his specially equipped Baldwinitis Clinic in Port Au Prince. 

We see children as young as five with full blown Stephen Baldwinitis. First they become pale, then the second head emerges: the Baldwin head. After that it’s all over: they start spouting off about Jesus Christ and being obnoxious. The prospect they can look after themselves shrinks to practically zero.

Alec Baldwin was unavailable for comment as he was in boot camp preparing for his Year of Gayness

Having missed the plane for Haiti, Sean Penn has set off swimming for the island nation.
To find out more about Stephen Baldwinitis please visit the Foundation Facebook page 

https://www.facebook.com/stephenbaldwinitis 

and follow @sosofantastico on twitter.

THE HEMSWORTHS TO FIGHT THE BALDWINS

HOLLYWOOD – In what is being tipped as the biggest family-based Hollywood celebrity rumble since the Carradines took on the Quaids, the Hemsworth brothers and the Baldwin gang are to thrash it out down by the railway tracks at half past ten tonight (no knives).

In what is set to look like some weird generation mismatch from The Outsiders, Luke, Liam and Chris Hemswoth will take on Alec, Daniel, William and Stephen Baldwin. ‘We’re going to kick seven shades of sh*t out of those assholes,’ said the usually very polite Luke, who for some reason seemed to be upset about something. ‘Chris is bringing his hammer.’

Alec Baldwin spoke for his family:

What we are looking forward to

The Hemsworths have been riding us for months. “Move out the way old men! Hey d’ya drop ya teeth?” Well, I’m in the mood to dropkick them into next Thursday. Stephen’s given up Christianity especially so he can gouge eyes out and not feel bad. And are there going to be inappropriate and inexplicable racial epithets flying? You bet.

The match will be refereed by the Armie Hammer twins and is being televised on Netflix.


Tweet about it using the hash tag #ChrisLukeLiamHemsworthvsAlecWilliamDanielStephenBaldwinrumble2015.

BALDWIN BROTHERS TO PLAY THE MARX BROTHERS.

HOLLYWOOD- Martin Scorsese has confirmed that his next project will be a biopic of comedy legends The Marx Brothers.

I’ve been trying to get this movie off the ground for almost 20 years and the Baldwin’s were always my number one choice.”, said Scorsese.

We almost made the picture in 1992 but William Baldwin was contractually obliged to star in Sliver opposite Sharon Stone. He tried to get out of it, he even faked his own death but Joe Eszterhas found out and forced him back to the set at gunpoint. Rumour has it Joe had a revolver trained on Billy all the way through the shoot which explains a lot of things.

The movie will be based around the making of The Marx’s Brother’s A Night at the Opera and how the pressure almost tore the comedy troupe apart.

According to Scorsese, the Baldwin’s have been secretly performing at LA comedy clubs in order to hone their comedic skills:

They’ve been gigging under the name The Fabulous Fritzel Brothers and every time they’ve gone on stage they’ve brought the house down. In fact one writer for The Village Voice called it ‘The best god damn drag act I’ve ever seen.”

The Marx Brothers is due for release in 2016.

DAVID FINCHER SIGNS ON FOR GAMER GATE: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher will direct a new film based on the Gamer Gate ‘scandal’ set to star Stephen Baldwin and Rooney Mara from a screenplay by David Mamet.

The Social Network director said that the film would be ‘a kind of sequel’ to The Social Network:

In The Social Network we looked at the troubled lonely male who finds a way to power. Although he invents a social networking site, he himself is socially inept. In fact that’s basically why he does it. Roll on to the world of gaming and what you have is those same males, lonely and fearful of women and they see their world increasingly infringed on by girls and this leads to a virulent hatred and misogyny and bullying.

But what about the issue of journalistic ethics in the gaming community?

Oh that was complete nonsense from the get go. A guy had a hot girlfriend who was a programmer and they broke up and he blogged all their shit. It was low level revenge porn, without the porn. And most of it was inaccurate and has since been corrected. But what I’m interested in is the misogyny that then ensued with women being harassed and threatened with cyber bullying and actual violence. I’m casting Rooney because she is the girl who instigates The Social Network, and I got to thinking she doesn’t have much agency in that film. What if she became a hot shot game designer, and her male competitors couldn’t handle it.

Gamer Gate will be released in 2016.