MORE STAR WARS CONTENT THAN GRAINS OF SAND

BREAKING NEWS – A new study from MIT has been published that confirms there is more Star Wars content available than there are grains of sand on the planet. With the release of the final episode of The Book Of Boba Fett, there is now more Star Wars content than anyone who is gainfully employed, could ever watch.

More Star Wars Content? You salivating Womp Rats.

The MIT study that has been recently published had to engage a new counting super-computer to calculate both grains of sand and available content. The machine, given the pet name Count Dooku took three weeks to calculate how much of the franchise is available. It then took a fraction of the time to calculate how many grains of sand there are on the planet.

Ass Hole Interviewers

There have also been several reports of ass hole job interviewers now asking how much Star Wars content is there rather than asking how many windows are in that sky-scraper. The question now stumps even the most die-hard fans of the franchise. Sci-fi experts are now no longer able to keep up with Star Wars releases. It is thought there may be another super-computer involved at Disney.

Rumors There Are. Algorithms Have They.

Many ex-Disney employees advise the franchise is now being written by an algorithm, rather than employing writers. The machine is codenamed Kamino, the cloning planet that features in Episode II, Attack Of The Clones. It churns out new show and movie scripts along with rehashed Star Wars content faster than any writing team ever could achieve.

Disney Denies Assembly-Line Writing

A Disney spokesperson advised, ‘This is just nonsense. We at Disney Incorporated (all rights reserved) emphatically deny these allegations of mechanized writing. Hang on, we are proud to announce Obi-Wan, a new TV series streaming on Disney+ shortly. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. We deny any mechanized or factory writing is taking place. Wait a minute… We are proud to announce Sith: The Chronicles Of Darth Maul. It’s a new show that will stream… Wait a second… we are proud to announce Ewoks Ahoy! The new TV show that will stream on Disney+.’

Star Wars Content Is Churned Out Every Day On Disney+… But You Knew That Already.

CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

RECONSIDERED – THE PHANTOM MENACE

REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.

Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is

Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.

At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping

Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.

More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We

Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.

Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t

At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.

Watched The Phantom Menace Did We, So Have To, You Do Not. Welcome, Are You.

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

RIAN JOHNSON SAYS STAR WARS CAN ‘SUCK MY COCK’

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson tells Star Wars to suck his big fat cock. 

In an exclusive interview with The Exec Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

With the announcement of his $450m deal with Netflix, The Last Jedi director, Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

Thank you for coming in to talk with us at The Exec bungalow Rian:

I could buy this shit hole if I wanted to, did you know that?

Well, congratulations are in order on your big Netflix deal:

Fuckin’ A, bubba. You’re darn tootin’ congratulations are in order. 450 fucking million clams man. That’s a whole lotta of green, baby.

We understand this is for two more Knives Out films with Daniel Craig:

Yeah, I guess. But you know what? Craig ain’t that expensive anymore. His Bond film, No Time To blah blah blah hasn’t seen the light of day. That means Knives Out is the last big thing he did. I can pretty much get him for scale at the moment. Bond is my bitch.

We understand you start shooting this summer?

Yep, that’s right. In Greece. Fucking Greece, of all places man. Everything is so cheap over there, we’ll make a killing. I made Knives Out for $45million, which is a snip. If I shoot the next one in Greece, even with distancing, I can knock this one out for $50million, tops. Ker-fucking-ching baby.

With the commitment of this deal, are you still making your Star Wars films?

No way man. They can all go suck on my fat lightsaber if they think I’m going back to that. The amount of shit I got for TLJ? Forget it Luke, it’s Chinatown. They can look up my big fat shiny moon of Endor and see if they can feel the dark side of the force.

Any casting news you can share with for Knives Out 2?

Check this out. I’m getting Mark Hamill to play the fucking killer. That’ll really piss off all those pricks at Disney and the twitter Star Wars stans. Right, that’s your lot, I’m outta here. Now where did I park my gold Lamborghini?

Umm, Rian Johnson, thank you for your time:

Whatever, douche bags. Peace out.

KNIVES OUT 2 STARTS FILMING LATER THIS SUMMER

DISNEY BUY GOD

HOLLYWOOD – Disney buy God.

Disney have acquired the rights for God, clinched in a late night deal signed in the Vatican for an undisclosed figure.

A Disney spokesperson said that the company were ‘very sensitive to how many fans of God feel. We are both proud and honored to be in a position to promote God in his next few manifestations.’

Although expected for some time, the speed of the deal still came as a surprise. Some believed that Mel Gibson‘s company Icon were also in talks to sign an exclusive contract. Show Business watcher and resident God botherer Jim Caviezel expressed the concerns of many God fans:

Disney came for Pixar and I was silent. Then Disney came for Star Wars and I didn’t speak out. They came for Indiana Jones, I held my peace. But now they have come for God… It is time that all like-minded folk stand up to the house of the mouse and say enough is enough. 

Pope Francis is understood to have been personally involved in broaching the deal and Vatican insiders say that his love of Mary Poppins ‘was not incidental to the decision making process.’ The deal gives Disney exclusive rights over the Catholic God, but the Muslim, Jewish and Protestant Gods are still up for grabs, though it is likely that the Disney acquisition will bring about a bidding war. Caviezel went on to say ‘You only have to look at what happened to the Hindus. Bollywood bought their Gods about five years ago and now they’ve been commercially exploited to death so no one believes in them any more.’

God’s next film The Resurrection will be released in 2022.  

DISNEY ANNOUNCES YODA CODA

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announces Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of.

Mousey streaming service giant, Disney announces their new film, Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of will stream on their subscription channel, Disney+.

Much Money Will You Pay

The Mickey Mouse film studio announced Star Wars fans will be able to stream the film on the Disney+ channel, for an additional fee, from Christmas Day onwards. It will then be moved into the main section of their streaming service once, ‘All your money, have we taken… heheheheh.’ A source within the company told The Exec.

Your Younglings, Nag They Will

The source continued, ‘The Mandalorian, great success has it been. Baby Yoda, many young fans has he. Nag their parents into buying this film, they will. Sick of the noise and desperate for quiet on Christmas Day, will adults be. Pay through the ass, they will.’

An Adult Craves Not These Things

‘Cashing in are we. Many adult fans of The Mandalorian there are. Collectibles, hah! Limited editions, hah! An adult craves not these things. For children are these. Toys they are called. Grow up, may these adults never. Deep are their pockets. Digital is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to streaming, streaming leads to subscriptions, subscriptions leads to suffering.

Control, Control, We Must Have Control

The announcement comes in the wake of Warner Bros declaring their entire 2021 slate will receive a digital release on HBO Max. Our inside source at Disney went on to say, ‘Warners trying to compete with us, abide we cannot. Begun these online wars have. Crush them, we will.’ Our source then closed his eyes, raised his three fingered hand-thing and floated out of the room.

Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of streams on Disney+ from 25th December, for an additional fee. Obvious, it is.

STAR WARS IS CHILDISH SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas’ 1977 space opera Star Wars is to cinema what Weetabix is to cuisine.

Star Wars! May the Fourth be with you! Get it? because it sounds a little bit like Force. May the Force be with you. May the 4th be with you. See? No? Screw you. In the Studio Exec office an argument broke out. You see there was an article claiming that Empire Strikes Back was actually a terrible Star Wars movie. We weren’t agreeing or denying it. Rather, we were all argue about who gave less of a fuck. You see Star Wars is a children’s film, but all the children who liked it now own media companies, film studios and edit newspapers. So it’s become what can only be described as a thing.

I speak as someone who queued to watch the Star Wars when it was just a Baby Yoda. And I loved it. And I saw Empire Strikes Back in a theater in old Ireland a long time ago. Before Luke Skywalker actually ended up living there. I watched every single Star Wars film in the cinema. Even the unflushed toilet that is Attack of the Clones. I tried so hard to like Phantom Menace, I had to go to hospital with a strained face. But somewhere along the way, we got lost. I mean come on. Fighting about The Last Jedi like it means something? Upset with JJ Abrams – the maker of Lost  – because he didn’t nail the landing. The. Maker. of. Lost.

Crazy stuff. We got the toys, the universe, music, the sound effects, the comic books, the movies and now the TV shows, animated and otherwise and it’s just going to go on and on. The nerds have become geeks and the geeks have taken over the world. And like grown up kids they want to have dessert for dinner and cereal for lunch. Well, tuck in assholes. And may the diabetes be with you.

The Studio Exec utterly disclaims this article.

DISNEY: LORD AND MILLER TO RETURN TO SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Phil Lord and Christopher Miller are to return to the set of Solo: a Star Wars Story and finish their version of the film.

Disney announced today that Phil Lord and Christopher Miller are to be reinstated as directors of Star Wars a Solo Story. They will complete their version of the film which will be released in July this year. The decision came shortly on the heels of the reinstatement of James Gunn as the director of Guardians of the Galaxy 3. A source close to Disney claimed there was no connection.

Everyone here thought that Solo was okay when it came out and it certainly made some money. But there were some heads being scratched as to how the movie was so dull looking. Partly this was Ron Howard but also the digital grading and the way the script had been changed. We decided it couldn’t hurt to have the boys back and see if they could put things right.

Although the filming had almost been completed when Lord and Miller were fired, Howard apparently re-filmed the bulk of the movie.

This means they won’t actually have much to film. They’ll add some new stuff to finish it. They need to have a couple of cast members back but not the whole cast.

Ron Howard issued a statement.

I’m very proud of the film I made. It was a huge thrill to be part of the Star Wars universe. Having said that, Lord and Miller are so good I can’t wait to see what they do.

Solo: the Lord Miller Cut is out July 8, 2019.

ROGUE ONE SEQUEL IS ON

Star Wars stand alone Rogue One gets a sequel. 

If you thought we’d seen the last of Jyn Erso, K2 and Cassian Andor, think again! Rogue One – the first Star Wars Story anthology film – is to get a sequel by popular demand. Felicity Jones who played the plucky rebel Jyn Erso in the original explained to The Studio Exec – in an EXCLUSIVE interview – the news. 

So Felicity, Rogue Two?

Yes, we’re so excited. No one more so than me. At the end of Rogue One, without giving anything away, we thought, that’s it. There really isn’t much we can do after that. But then Gareth Edwards came back to us with this new story and before you know it we were back on the roller-coaster ride once more. 

But you all died in Rogue One?

Spoiler!

Sorry.

It’s okay. I imagine everyone has seen it by now. Yes, that was the reason why we all thought there wouldn’t be a sequel, but then Gareth saw City Slickers 2 and was really impressed with the way that film seamlessly managed to write Jack Palance into the movie even though he was killed in the first. 

But didn’t they just use a weak twin brother plot?

Exactly. So I play Fyn Erso, Jyn’s twin sister, who gets together with Rope Andor, Cassian’s twin brother, played again by Diego Luna and with the help of K2-2, they go in search of Miles Krennic, played by Ben Mendelshon, Krennic’s twin brother.

Isn’t that too many twins?

The Skywalkers are twins, so I guess Star Wars is just a twins friendly environment

Right. 

The twist is that Miles Krennic’s twin brother is actually really cool. But I don’t want to give anything away. Suffice it to say we all team up and head off to steal the plans to the Death Star 2, thus setting up the end of Return of the Jedi.

Rogue Two will be in theatres 2022.

FANS TO REMAKE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

HOLLYWOOD – A fan campaign launched today to raise money to finance a remake of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is going to be remade if a group of fans on the internet have their way. The 1978 TV movie was a science fiction musical extravaganza made before George Lucas realized that YouTube might exist.  Large decried as a low point of the franchise’s history, a group of fans are now trying to raise funds to remake the movie for cinematic release. We spoke to Ginty Meatpants about the project:

We started with the idea that we wanted to remake The Last Jedi because that film was so … [makes vomity sounds]! But then someone said what about Attack of the Clones? and we realized that we should really start there. And then someone else said what about Return of the Jedi. We could take out the bit where Chewbacca pretends to be Tarzan and the fucking Ewoks. So we decided to do that instead. And then someone piped up about the Holiday Special and so we’re going to do that one first.

Wow!

I know. It’s going to take a lot of time and money but I think once we explain to Disney they’ll be fine. After all, we’ve got lots of time on our hands. We don’t have you know girlfriends, or friend friends. So we’ve got time.

So you think that they’ll agree?

Yeah, as long as they don’t ask that bitch Kathleen Kennedy.

But she’s the producer.

Yeah, but don’t tell her.

The Star Wars Holiday Special ReLoaded will be released in 2020.

SOLO A STAR WARS STORY – REVIEW

SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY: REVIEW – The new Star Wars movie hits theatres.

The new Star Wars movie – Solo: A Star Wars Story – is in theaters, starring Emilia Clarke, Alden Ehrenreich, Woody Harrelson and Danny Glover and we ask: is it any good?

Nope.

 

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