DANIEL DAY-LEWIS PLAYS THE DEATH STAR IN STAR WARS 9

LONDON – J.J. Abrams has confirmed that Daniel Day-Lewis will play The Death Star in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

“He was the first and only man on my list,” said Abrams: Continue reading “DANIEL DAY-LEWIS PLAYS THE DEATH STAR IN STAR WARS 9”

CHRIS PRATT TALKS INDIANA JONES

NEW YORK – Chris Pratt has finally confirmed in a soon to be published interview with WHACK magazine that he has been asked to play the lead in the Indiana Jones reboot.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Pratt:

A few years ago I was selling coupons door-to-door and now I’ve got the opportunity to play one of the most iconic characters in movie history but it’s not going to be easy; Ford might be knocking on but he’s tough and experienced. My aim is to take him out quickly before he can get in close.

Asked what he was talking about, Pratt elaborated:

Well the way the Hollywood casting system works is they make their top two choices fight to the death. I had to break Freddie Prinze Jr’s neck to get the part of Star Lord in Guardians but this one will be harder both psychically and emotionally.

Ford is said to be in peak condition after training for the upcoming Stars Wars VII and his agent said he is determined keep hold of the famous Fedora.

It’s not common knowledge but way back when they were casting the original movie Harrison had to fight Tom Selleck. It was a close bout but Tom finally succumbed to Harrison’s patented one-inch punch. Of course, back then it was a more gentlemanly affair and nobody fought to the death but Hollywood is a different, more brutal place these days. I remember watching George Clooney Vs Judd Nelson back in 1995. Horrible stuff. The image of George beating the twitching corpse of Judd with his own spinal column still haunts me to this day.

According to film historian Fitz Fullsome, the tradition began in 1941 when George Raft and Humphrey Bogart were up for the role of Rick in Casablanca.

It was the first and still most controversial casting fight in movie history. Raft had trained hard and looked unbeatable but Bogie sauntered in carrying a glass of scotch and kicked George right in the nuts and he went down like the Titanic. Years later when Bogie was asked by New York Times reporter Charles Lane about the incident he cooly lit a cigarette, took a puff and uttered the immortal line “Well Charlie, if all that stands between you and greatness is another man’s balls. You better kick his before he kicks yours.”

The Indiana Jones reboot is due in 2017.

RYAN GOSLING TO PLAY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON

HOLLYWOOD – According to Latino Review housewives’ favourite Ryan Gosling has signed up to play the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars VII.

“He wanted to play Luke Skywalker’s son but he was a little stiff in the audition,” said an anonymous insider:

J.J. Abrams offered him the role of The Death Star but he was worried about bulking up for the role. The last time he put on weight was when he was fired from The Lovely Bones for being too fat and was replaced by Mark Wahlberg. He’s still wounded by the experience and who wouldn’t be?. Imagine being replaced by Mark f*cking Wahlberg! I’m still amazed Ryan didn’t blow his own brains out.

Gosling eventually convinced Abram’s he could play the Falcon by sending the director a short film he’d made himself:

It’s quite a piece of work. Ryan is naked in a black room with plastic stars on the walls and crudely drawn planets and constellations. It looks like he has something on his back and when the camera moves in for a close up you see he’s taped miniature Star Wars figures onto himself. For the next three hours he runs around the room pretending to be an aeroplane. It’s crazy but J.J. saw something in it he liked.

The casting of Gosling is welcome news for the production which has suffered a series of disappointments lately. Bradley Cooper had to decline the part of a Landspeeder due to scheduling differences and Leonardo DiCaprio injured his groin rehearsing for his role as an AT-AT Walker.

Star Wars VII is due for release in 2015