CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

RIDE ALONG 2 OFFICIALLY BETTER THAN THE REVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – According to Box Office figures Ride Along 2 is officially better than The Revenant and Star Wars The Force Awakens as of this week.

Looking at the first figures, it seems to be the case that Ride Along 2 is now better than either Star Wars The Force Awakens or The Revenant. The news, which had been predicted by analysts, left some movie goers perplexed but Box Office expert Joey Smole told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that we must accept the facts:

Everybody knows that Hollywood is a business. Show business, sure enough, but a business nonetheless. Ride Along 2 is estimated to have taken $38 million by Monday and that will place it above both Star Wars and The Revenant and this will mean that it is the better movie. Next week might be different but for this week it’s the best movie and no film critic with his Harvard degree can contradict that.

But money isn’t every…

Shut your mouth.

Sorry. 

Does Kevin Hart make me laugh? No. Can Ice Cube act? Not really. Was Ride Along 1 really deserving of a sequel? I wouldn’t have said so. Burt the money has spoken. And THAT is all the matters.

Does this mean there will be a Ride Along 3?

Yes.

Ride Along 3 will be released in 2018.

FAN THEORY ABOUT LORD SNOKE BREAKS THE INTERNET IN CHINA

HOLLYWOOD – A new fan theory about the mysterious identity of Lord Snoke in Star Wars The Force Awakens has broken the internet in China, state officials admitted today.

The theory, which was first aired on WeShitYouNot.com, states that the origins of Lord Snoke date all the way back to the prequel The Phantom Menace which was directed by George Lucas (the creator of the original Star Wars) in 1999.

The article argues as follows:

The Gungans are a race with incredible longevity. We already know that. We also know that having won the battle on Naboo almost single-handedly, Jar Jar Binks was largely sidelined by the Jedi and ostracized by the people he loved, including Anakin Skywalker. Having unsuccessfully moved into politics, he became increasingly involved with the machinations of Senator Palpatine who was to finally reveal himself as a Sith and proclaim himself emperor, having slaughtered the Jedi. But the cog in the machine was Jar Jar. Jar Jar had made it possible for Palpatine to defeat the Jedi. He was rewarded with a high rank in the Empire but once more was sidelined in favor of Darth Vadar, his old enemy Anakin Skywalker of course. With the defeat of the Emperor, Jar Jar managed to escape the Death Star #2, but not without being badly wounded, losing his floppy ears and his protruding eyes and his flappy mouth and having to have the whole lot replaced with a rather stupid looking CGI Andy Serkis suit. Using a voice scrambler and a projector he decided that he would create his own version of the Empire calling it the First Order and bossing it around via Skype.

Once the theory was translated into Chinese it began to make the rounds on social media helped by Weibo (the Chinese version of Twitter). Coinciding with the release of The Force Awakens in China the impact was such that entire city grids were left without power and some even said that the Chinese Premier Li Keqiang ‘shit himself’, so excited was he by the idea.

Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released in 2018.

PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL SPOILER PHOBIC STAR WARS FAN FORCE AWAKENS IS OUT

NEW YORK – An obsessive spoiler phobic Star Wars fan has been told that he can come down and watch the film now, three weeks after the films release.

Obsessive Star Wars fan Colin Hardwright was so worried about hearing spoilers, or having The Force Awakens spoiled via teaser trailers, posters or story leaks that he built himself a fifty foot high pedestal in Manhattan, New York and scaled it on February 16th, 2015.

Colin’s wife Phyllis Hardwick explained Colin’s thinking to the Studio Exec:

Colin is a die-hard Star Wars fan and has been super excited about the new film ever since it was announced. He managed to avoid the first trailer but he knew that there would be more promotional material and he also knew that people might tell him something, even innocently, about I don’t know, the casting or something. So he had been reading about early Christian mystics and he got this idea of going up a pedestal until it was all over.

So then why didn’t he come down for three weeks after the film’s release?

The only problem was we were all so used to him being up there and we were excited by the film and then I wanted to see it again with my new husband. Then there was Christmas and the whole thing in the holidays. You know how during the festive season you forget what day it is, and you’re like, is it Thursday? and I sort of did that but with Colin. I mean, I’ve got a horrible feeling I might have inadvertently committed bigamy.

So what was Colin’s reaction when he finally saw the film?

We didn’t realize it, but he was quite weak. I mean his muscles had atrophied from always being in the same position. So after he descended from the pillar we were getting him to the other side of the road, but he was quite slow and he got hit by a bus.

Oh my God. Is he okay?

He’s kind of dead.

But at least he saw the film, right?

No he died instantly. I mean bang! Weren’t you listening?

Star Wars The Force Awakens is in theaters.

 

TOP 10 FILMS OF 2015

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has put together a list of the top films of 2015, in no particular order.

2015 was an odd year for film. A bit underwhelming until December it has to be said. The blockbusters busted blocks but the most successful (until December) was the M’eh-fest of Jurassic World. Everything looked very familiar. There was an Avengers movie (I think) and a new Bond film. The two main European festivals saw the main prize picked up by average movies that won’t escape the festival circuit. Of course, December suddenly gave us a year’s worth of interesting stuff. What am I talking about? Jesus, why am I even writing this? I’m hungover and tired and it is now time I went to bed so here’s the Goddamned list:

Bone Tomahawk

Gruesome and beautiful western, both elegiac and horrific, starring Matthew Fox, Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson and Richard Jenkins. It will certainly divide audiences, if not bifurcate them. Here’s the review.

Mad Max: Fury Road

A remake that if anything exceeded its original source material. George Miller brought his post-apocalyptic car chase into the territory of the purest genre cinema. Witty, exciting, incredible. Here’s the review.

Son of Saul

Devastating portrayal of the life in the day of a Sonderkommando in Auschwitz. A film I never want to see again, but everyone should see once. Review here. 

The Revenant

Leonardo diCaprio crawls through hell to get to an Oscar. On the way he features in one of the most beautiful and stunningly immersive cinematic experiences of the year. For the review click here. 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

It wasn’t shit. Click here for the review.

Crimson Peak

Guillermo Del Toro goes full on Gothic with Tom Hiddleston, Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chastain in a Roger Corman/ Stanley Kubrick inspired visual treat. Review here.

Anomalisa 

Charlie Kaufman and Duke Johnson’s stop animation tale of angst should have won at Venice. I’ll write a review some time soon.

Sicario

Made me want to see Blade Runner 2. Or at least made me not be too scared about it. Review here. 

Call Me Lucky

There have been some great documentaries this year and Call Me Lucky by Bobcat Goldthwait was one of the best. Charting the life of comedian Barry Crimmins this was a portrait of an unsung American hero, read the review here.

So Happy New Year and all that jazz. Let’s hope 2016 brings us some movies that’ll light our collective fires.

For more Reviews, CLICK HERE.

SOME STAR WARS FOOTAGE ‘YET TO BE SEEN’

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams revealed today that some footage from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is ‘yet to be seen’ and has not been included in the numerous trailers and TV spots which have so far been released.

The new Star Wars film The Force Awakens has to be the most eagerly awaited film of 2015 and fortunately there is still some footage left to be seen in the actual film that we haven’t already seen in the many trailers, international trailers and TV spots that have been released thus far.

JJ Abrams told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have been very careful with the publicity material. We want to create a sense of anticipation but not to give too much away. The 90 minute trailer was – admittedly – pushing the envelope on the definition teaser, but at the same time I think we can all agree that no major plot points, except the death of Chewbacca and the turning of Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side of the Force, have been revealed. To be fair, fans themselves with their rabid speculation and endless forensic deconstructions of anything from the toys to the posters to the footage have contributed to a frenzy of information overload that risks spoiling the movie for everyone.

So what new footage can we expect to see?

Well, we haven’t shown the pre-credits scroll which I think everyone is going to be hyped about.

That’s so iconic.

I know. And we haven’t seen the post-credits scroll either. Which is going to be a lot longer and will include a lot of names fans won’t be familiar with. Of course you could go to IMDb and check out the full cast and crew list but this will be longer in the end and will include copyright and legal notices and a lot more detail.

Okay. Anything else?

Erm. No. That’s all that’s really new now.

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE. Image courtesy of the Pixel Faker, Facebook page here.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released on the 18th of December.

REVISED FORCE AWAKENS POSTER ALLAYS FEARS

HOLLYWOOD – A new Star Wars: The Force Awakens poster has been released to allay fears that an iconic figure from the series might be absent from the film altogether.

With the release of the first official The Force Awakens poster yesterday, the reaction was instantaneous and unanimous -as if a million voices had cried out in pain and had been silenced: where’s Jar Jar Binks? Such was the furor with even President Obama tweeting his disappointment that Disney took the unprecedented move of releasing a revised poster.

Film director J.J. Abrams issued a statement with the new poster:

We had perhaps tried to be too clever. We wanted to tease Jar Jar but then the idea came to not have him there at all and build up tension. But we got so much blow back from it, the risk was this was going to overshadow the release. There were some fans who were even talking of organizing a boycott of the film and we’re making it for the fans, so that would be the worst possible outcome.

Jar Jar, however, is not the only noticeable absence. Stills have already shown that Hayden Christensen has got a prominent role in the new film, but his absence from the poster has caused speculation that he might only appear in flashback. Likewise, lead character Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is also a notable absentee.

‘Oh he dies in like the first six minutes,’ Abrams reassured us. ‘Erm, spoiler, maybe!?’

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released December 18th, 2015.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

HARRISON FORD REVEALS SECRET BEHIND PLANE CRASH

HOLLYWOOD – Revealed for the first time, the truth behind Harrison Ford’s plane crash on a southern Californian golf course.

It was the moment when the world came together as one – Palestinians and Israelis, ISIS and Bill Maher, One Directioners and people who are not twelve-year-old girls – united in a common prayer. Harrison Ford crashed his antique World War II era ST3KR Ryan aeronautical plane on a golf course, causing the entire world to hold its breath, until we found out he was okay and then we got busy joking about it on Twitter. But only now in an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Han Solo/Indiana Jones/John Book star, can we reveal what actually happened on that fateful day.

So I was taking the old girl up for a spin and I was flying around just enjoying the view. It’s something I like to do. It’s very zen and in the moment. And as often is the case when I’m flying, I start reflecting on the injustices of the world. I have a very sensitive social conscience and it irks me that there are so many poor people in the world, even here in the USA. Perhaps especially! Amidst all this wealth, there are people sleeping rough. You see them under bridges, in the canyons. It’s shameful, truly. And then there’s the environment. We have been suffering a drought here for two years. The water is basically gone. And no one seems to care about it. In fact, we’re making it worse. That’s when I saw the golf course.

This is the Penmar golf course in Venice?

That’s right. I looked at those guys swinging their pathetic sticks and pinging those stupid dimply golf balls around on that pristine green lawn and it got me to thinking: they’re watering that grass with our water. This is Southern California. It should basically be a desert, but no. All that water pumped into the land, not for a park for children, not for a garden for all, but so leathery old plastic surgeons can pretend to play a sport that basically involves walking. All that wealth, all that land and all those resources, including water, are wasted to make some fat white guys happy as they play a moronic sport.

Wait are you saying you intentionally…?

I hate golf and I hate golfers. They’re a bunch of assholes.

You reported engine trouble.

Sure I did. And maybe that was the reason, or maybe just maybe those golfers will think twice before they step onto the fairway knowing Harrison Ford is in the air above them like a movie star drone of environmental and social justice.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released in December, 2015.

CHRIS PINE DEEPLY REGRETS

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pine deeply regrets not getting Jack Ryan’s latest iteration in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit right, but what else does Chris Pine deeply regret.

Chris Pine deeply regrets…

telling Steven Spielberg what he really thought of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

investing his savings in flatulenthousewives.com

starring in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit by the director of Thor, Kenneth Branagh

what he did to your mother’s first cousin when he was drunk on mescal last April

going to the cinema with Pee Wee Herman

that he had a surname which was low hanging fruit for film critics reaching for a pun to describe his acting skills

being in Star Trek: Into the Darkness and not Star Wars: The Force Awakens

eating the mushroom and chives omelette with a side salad when he wanted a steak and fries

meeting William Shatner, getting drunk with William Shatner, getting that tattoo with William Shatner, of William Shatner

asking Meryl Streep if a dingo had really eaten her baby

buying a gym membership that he never intends to use

taking a sneaky leak in in William Friedkin’s Jacuzzi and then realizing there was some kind of dye that was activated by urine

This Means War

This Means War

This Means War

This Means War

SEAN CONNERY CONFIRMED FOR STAR WARS VII

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have officially confirmed that Sean Connery will come out of retirement to play a prominent character in the upcoming Star Wars VII.

“I needed somebody to play a Sean Connery type character,” said director J.J. Abrams:

The problem was that Sean had officially retired so I thought the character would have to be rewritten. Fortunately his agent heard that we wanted him and he got in touch and told us he was interested.

Abrams refused to disclose exactly how much Connery was paid for the role (rumoured to be around 25 million dollars ) but he was happy to talk about working  with the actor:

He’s an old school pro. As soon as he put on the costume he slipped right into the role. He was  just a joy to work with. The very first day we met he called me Brian and began reciting lines of The Untouchables script at random. Then at a script read through he kept calling me Hitch and re-enacted a few scenes from Marnie. I couldn’t believe how much of a joker he was but his agent said that was just his way and that he’s a natural comic. I mean the guy spent the entire shoot pretending he didn’t know where he was and claimed that his agent was drugging him. Then he’d look really confused, start to cry and said all he wanted to do was to go home, watch Murder She Wrote and have a nice cup of tea. His sense of humor was refreshing because a lot of these modern actors take themselves  way too seriously. I think the day he pretend to wet himself in the middle a scene was my favourite of his practical jokes. Everyone just cracked up and he looked so sad and disorientated. You know they say George Clooney knows how to have fun on a film set but Connery is the master. 

Stars Wars VII is due for release in December, 2015.

WOODY ALLEN RULES HIMSELF OUT OF STAR WARS 7

NEW YORK – Film director and Oscars fanatic Woody Allen today ruled himself out of the running as director of Star Wars: Episode Seven.

‘I’m going to be too busy with my Batman film,’ said Allen. ‘I’m just, I mean it’s ludicrous. I … I …. I don’t believe it.’

The news came only minutes after the announcement that Zach Snyder will also not be in the mix. In fact, the number of high profile film directors who have been approached and have turned down the job, or feel the need to pre-emptively rule themselves out, grows with ever passing hour. Already J.J.J. Abrams, Guilermo del Toro, Christopher Nolan, Spike Lee, Quentin Tarantino, Sam Mendes, Kathryn Bigelow, Terrence Malick and Steven Spielberg have said they won’t be going to a galaxy far, far away. It’s beginning to look like the franchise is as popular a proposition as car-pooling with Ted Bundy.

Still on the fence are Ken Loach – although he is currently busy with Sex and the City 3: Keeping It Real – and Stanley Kubrick, who sources say is keen on the project, but who might have to decline due to the fact that the shooting schedule would clash with him being dead.

For more on Woody Allen’s Batman CLICK HERE.

For more on Ken Loach’s Sex and the City 3: Keeping It Real CLICK HERE