HOLLYWOOD – Following shocking reports of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Moses Ingram being bombarded with racist abuse, fans of the franchise insisted Star Wars fandom is not racist. We spoke to a source within the Star Wars fandom community, who for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous.
Can You Explain Why Star Wars Fandom Isn’t Racist? Because It Kind OF Seems That Way From The Outside.
I want this to be anonymous. Is my face blacked out? Oh, actually I don’t mean blacked. I mean… oh Christ! And, and not just Christ, Allah also. And the Jewish one, but that might be Christ also. He was king of the jews, wasn’t he? Is there an atheist equivalent? Dawkins, Stephen Fry or Carl Sagan? Oh shit. What was the question again?
This Is A Written Interview, Nobody Will See Your Face.
Thank goodness for that. I can’t say too much. I’m risking everything just talking to you.
Why Is That?
Why?! Some of those guys, because let’s face it, they’re gonna be guys, are fucking crazy man. As long we’re all hating the same things they hate, everything is sweet. But as soon as you differ a parsec from what they love or hate (there’s no in-between), they will hunt you down to the farthest reaches of the outer rim. And by that I mean Facebook.
To Be Honest, It Doesn’t Sound Like A Very Friendly Community.
You know, it used to be great. We’d all rank our favorite bounty hunters or talk about how to pronounce Gamorrean. But then, the prequels came out and Jar-Jar happened. That’s when things got ugly. I blame Jar-Jar. But we all eventually got over that and we had a new trilogy to look forward to. And in the trailer, they gave us that shot of John Boyega. And then Kelly Marie Tran happened.
Sounds To Me Like You Have A Problem With People Of Color And Women Who Aren’t White?
Yeah? Well, think what you want buddy. But I know we can all agree that Darth Vader is cool as fuck… and white.
You Do Know James Earl Jones Is Black, Don’t You?
Get Out Of Here You Racist Piece Of Shit.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Currently Streaming On Disney+
REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.
Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is
Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.
At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping
Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.
More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We
Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.
Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t
At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.
Watched The Phantom Menace Did We, So Have To, You Do Not. Welcome, Are You.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens news is coming thick and fast, but perhaps the most surprising this week is the revelation that Hayden Christensen has a role in the new films.
The news came when a series of stills were released by J.J. Abrams to Entertainment Weekly, several of which clearly shows Hayden Christensen apparently acting in scenes.
Veteran Star Wars watcher BanthaBotherer#22 spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
The presence of Hayden Christensen comes as a real shock. With George Lucas out of the picture, the sense was Kathleen Kennedy and J.J. Abrams wanted to put as much distance between themselves and the prequels as possible. From a plot point of view it doesn’t make sense, as we know that the new film takes e decades after the events of Return of the Jedi. Hayden Christensen’s character Anakin Skywalker is at this point long dead. So the only reasonable explanation is that this is Anakin Skywalker’s son. There is a reason that can’t make sense, but I don’t remember it now.
J.J. Abrams has offered a response to the many questions.
Mr. Hayden Christensen will not appear in The Force Awakens. He was not officially cast and there is no character for him to play. I cannot possibly say if he sneaked onto the set in costume. But if someone were to do something like that then we obviously have the technology to digitally remove him. In fact of the 116 CGI shots that we have in the movie, 103 of them are removing Hayden Christensen and Ewan MacGregor.
The Force Awakens will be released in two weeks time.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.
The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:
Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent.
All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.
Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.